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[15 Dec 2006|12:29am] |
my sister is thinking about not coming home for christmas from college.
It's because of me. My depression/whatever has been out of control lately.
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[15 Dec 2006|01:55am] |
(1:50:46 AM): did u miss me
broadwaybabe1348 (1:50:53 AM): mmhmm
(1:51:07 AM): well i missed u too
i still love you. if my mom didn't forbid me to see you, i'd be with you now.
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| 2 SEKRETS |
[15 Dec 2006|02:36am] |
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music |
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Anything But Ordinary ; Avril Lavigne |
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( 2 SECRETS. )
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[15 Dec 2006|08:41am] |
no photo
it happend the other night
i was sexually asaulted, AGAIN
this is the third time in two years
and i really dont want to go to court for this one (i went for the last two)
court takes up your entire life and is emotionaly draining
im so done with it
i dont even want to tell my parents this time because i know they'll want to take it to court
i thought i was tough and could fight off someone easily, but i wasnt as strong as these guys
i hate men so much right now
so much
i dont even trust to be alone with them right now
SECRET: im afraid im a magnet for rape and that ill continuely get taken advantage of the rest of my life
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[15 Dec 2006|02:00pm] |
i don't believe in prayers
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[15 Dec 2006|03:26pm] |
I've never been more excited to see anyone in my life. You make me feel so sexy.
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[15 Dec 2006|04:07pm] |
i don't blame everyone for leaving me.
i brought it on myself.
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[15 Dec 2006|04:08pm] |
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music |
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bayside-devotion and desire. |
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P.S. yeah brian, this is for you
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[15 Dec 2006|04:18pm] |
i wish you thought more of me. I'm sorry I always mess up and I have no self control and I cry too much. I'm sorry I'm not exactly motivated about theatre anymore because I miss my old theatre company. You don't understand. Stop making me feel so guilty.
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[15 Dec 2006|04:20pm] |
i lost touch with the only group of friends i ever felt i've belonged with.
they called me tonight insisting that i hang out with them.
i haven't been this excited for something in so long.
i feel like this will start bringing me back where i want to be.
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[15 Dec 2006|04:28pm] |
I've fallen back in love with him, and i'm so angry because i knew this was going to happen. that night was too perfect to be true. this started in 8th grade. that's like, two years of this crap. I need him out of my life for good, but i know i can never have that. Life got so complicated when we starting going out. and when we broke up, i was glad the drama was over and done with. But, you know, of course it wasn't. we hooked up. several times. and i still liked him, but he didn't like me. So that was more hurt. Then I hated him for a while, and when we worked on shows I would stay away from him and cling to other guys so I wouldnt be able to think of him. But unfortunately, I did. A whole lot. And then when I went to see him in the show in the summer, I watched him on stage and just fell for him again. We went out that night, and the night after. He stayed close to me the whole time. And then I didn't see him for a while. We talked online, and it was like, a joke. He would tell me he missed me, and then talk about the girls he liked. So naturally, I got upset and stopped talking to him. Then we were supposed to hang out, but i met ryan. wonderful, amazing, ryan who was the most perfect boy i ever met and all i wanted (want) was to be with him forever. And he liked me too, except for the annoying distance factor, so he found another girl with my same name. Then attention focused away from ryan and back to him...I thought i was over him completely, and then we went out after the show, and he was so sweet and adorable..he had his arms around me the whole night. he kissed me. There was no saving me from falling for him again. But I rationalized "this time its different" "he really likes me"
Well I was wrong.
The other night he ims me. and we were talking and he asked if i liked someone and i was like come on, you know that let's not kid ourselves. and basically he said.
"How on and off have we been kait??"
"Some relationships just weren't meant to be"
"You'll find a relationship soon enough"
So he never said "Kaitlin it isn't going to work out" he just worked it into the conversation, as to let me down "gently" otherwise known as crushing my heart into a bajillion tiny pieces. And you know, Rob and Katie and Mike and Mer and everyone always tells me to leave the situation alone, because all that ever happens is he changes his mind and i'm left hurt. I tried to talk to him about that too, and he signed off after i tried to initiate the conversation.
Either something is really wrong with me, or he really is the biggest douchebag on the face of the universe. I don't know, but I'm really sick of being played around with. I loved him. Like L-O-V-E loved him. Deeply. Truly. And he has to make it a billion times harder to deal with by being really really indecisive and playing around with me.
Thanks. I'm glad I wasted my time. Ok, so it's written: I'm done with you. that's it. You don't deserve me if you're going to treat me like shit.
secret: That couldn't be less true. I still love you.
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[15 Dec 2006|05:55pm] |
i think i've trained my mind so much that i'll never love anyone again,
and even if i did,
i wouldn't know it.
no matter how good that person is to me.
such a lovely mess i have made of myself.
:[
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[15 Dec 2006|05:59pm] |
my bestfriend shot himself last night.
He rang me and told me he was sorry but he couldnt handle it anymore.
He had a perfect life. he was popular, he was in a pretty famous band, he had amazing friends and a wonderful family and girlfriend who loved him to the max.
secret: im the only other person apart from him who knows why he did it.
R.I.P Callum♥
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[15 Dec 2006|06:19pm] |
I'm giving a surprise party for my best friend tonight!
Secret: I hope she cries of happiness,!
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[15 Dec 2006|06:37pm] |
because my heart is in ohio....
ohh how i miss that boy so much. but hes coming home in 7 days..
i cant wait..
but im soo scared that he'll come home and decide he doesnt love me the way he used to...
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[15 Dec 2006|07:50pm] |
We had a "heart to heart" last night I guess you could say.
And I realized that I wouldn't want to date him, our friendship is so much more.
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| secret #4. |
[15 Dec 2006|09:40pm] |
i do not even know you...
(and i miss you already.)
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[15 Dec 2006|09:49pm] |
This is me, and it a horrible attitude to have.
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[15 Dec 2006|09:56pm] |
hum hum....
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Damn, I usually HATE haircuts.
Secret:... I dig the nerdy look better, but that's not what I told him, cause he hates it... *blush* teehee. ;)
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| LJ Secret |
[15 Dec 2006|10:15pm] |
that is me, down to the GPA and school year.
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[15 Dec 2006|10:45pm] |
I don't think he's that attractive. But...
He just said "rolling"...
And he rolled his r's whilst he said it....
And I thought it was kinda sexy.
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[15 Dec 2006|11:01pm] |
=o(
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[15 Dec 2006|11:18pm] |
As of tonight....
I no longer have one of these.
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