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Mourning of a lunar eclipse [11 Nov 2003|12:32am] sad_sativa [ mood | creative ] [ music | The White Stripes - Jolene ] Mourning of a lunar eclipse Just stood 'neath a sky of cerrilan blue with stretched cotton clouds across the sky caught the moon bow in various hue as it passed the full moon by cool breeze to push them on their way blows my hair and caresses bare face inhale deeply the scent of stormy day that the morning dawns awaits to embrace the sound is still yet the air electric just the rustling of a thousand leaves the feel on my skin makes my heart quick amplified by the touch of sensuous breeze lunar light show with shapes above my head forjust right now I feel calm and clear the terror forgets for a moment instead there is nothing else but here pungent perfume of sweet olive and current hearing the song of trees and tempest the vision before me heaven sent to dream upon when I go to rest ice blue © 4:30 am November 9, 2003 realxty??

[07 Oct 2003|02:43pm] severity [ mood | apathetic ] It has been a while since I made a post. Busy with life, love, multiple pleasures and pain, work and school. We all know how that is. Some how September is the worst for the level of changes society goes through. Anyway, here's some continuation to the other posts I've made. ========================================================================= It was getting worse. Nothing worked anymore. Not the sex, the drugs, the pain--not a goddamned thing. Tonight it was the worst that it had ever been. Surrounded by a crush of bodies that danced to an inner rhythm created from the New Years celebration at Times Square, Chocolate held onto Marti, as the chaos that was around him screamed into his open mind; Absorbing every passing thought, echoing every relevant and irrelevant emotion. Marti held him close while she traded acid soaked squares of paper with him as they kissed. It wasn't enough. He climaxed and nearly collapsed onto the floor. Marti caught him in time, hauling him back up to his feet, dragging him out of the churning mass of bodies. He clung to her, bruised face twisted in pain, half-mast brown eyes unfocussed and staring at nothing. They stumbled toward a group of couches and she dropped him onto one of them. Chocolate laid limply on the cushions, half-hanging off of it, still staring at nothing. Marti bent over him, staring into his eyes and slapped his face. "Chocolate, Chocolate can you hear me?" She yelled into his ear over the music. She barely got a response from him, just the slightest twitch of an eyelid and minor flick of his ear. Pressing two fingers to his neck as she had seen done on television she sought a pulse and found an erratically beating of his artery. "Chocolate." She whispered, feeling totally helpless and succumbing to the beginning buzz of her own acid trip. "What's wrong with him?" Someone asked from right behind her. Marti turned around quickly, she was startled to see Wraith standing so close to her. His overly bright red hair was twisted into shoulder length dreadlocks, his mouth painted over in what reminded her of plums. His darkened eyes were trained on Chocolate. "I don't know," She told him, she had to step back away from him as the strobe lights and the acid made him shift in and out of her focus. "Withdrawal?" Wraith inquired. "No. Something more, I think." She said uncertainly, she felt slightly nauseous. Wraith looked at her sharply, accusingly, "That fucking silence he always tricks for?" Marti bit her lip and looked away from his gaze, his eyes were heavily lined against his pale skin making his green eyes more bright and feral. "He hears voices inside his head," she finally said. Wraith shook his head in disgust. "The Ball is coming down right now. The city is a madhouse." "Yeah, I know." She said sarcastically. "You think that's affecting him?" Wraith asked, his eyes softening. Marti hoped she wasn't tripping to heavily. She looked down at Chocolate's still form. "Could be. I wouldn't know." "You're his friend, aren't you?" Wraith snapped. "We use each other," she retorted sharply. " I wouldn't exactly call that shit friendship, but yeah. I suppose he's as good as a friend." Marti felt her tongue go numb under his gaze. "In a way." Wraith lit a cigarette, "Sweet. The pair of you. Just fucking sweet." Wraith bent down and picked Chocolate up into his arms and jerked his head towards a backroom. Marti followed him without a word, sucking another acid paper into her mouth. "What're you going to do?" Marti asked uncertain if it was a good idea that Chocolate be with Wraith. Wraith dropped Chocolate onto the floor near a corner without preamble, jarring some sense into the boy. Amber brown eyes blinked open slowly. "W-Wraith?" He mumbled. "Fuck! Careful!" Marti shouted as she knelt beside Chocolate. "What're you going to do?" "Fuck him till he passes out," Wraith said calmly. Marti shook her head in shock convinced she must have been tripping. She watched the redhead tossed a wad of bills onto a nearby table of other people she didn't recognize and scoop up some items she couldn't see. Wraith returned to the pair and handed Marti two syringes. "Here. Cheap shit, but it's better than nothing. Besides I don't know what other shit he's got going through his system. Shoot him up." Wraith toed the edges of Chocolate's inner thigh. Marti scowled at him and pulled Chocolate closer to her. Wraith stood away placing one hand on his leather clad waist and continued sucking on his cigarette. "Why?" She asked, but she was pulling Chocolate's sleeves away, not finding any luck with the veins in his arm. "He wants silence? I figure unconsciousness is going to be the best place for him. I'm simply not in the presence of mind to beat his ass there." Wraith told her as he knelt beside her and began to undo Chocolate's pants. "How considerate of you," Marti told him in a harsh voice as Wraith searched for a vein. "Don't think I'm doing this for free," Wraith growled as he pulled Chocolate's pants off his thin legs for better access, "The kid'll owe me." "He'll work it off." Marti assured him as Wraith nodded to himself satisfied with the position, "He's good at that." "Yes, I know." Wraith mumbled as he emptied the first needle into a skinny inner thigh. Marti couldn't ignored the soft moan that Chocolate made as Wraith emptied the second needle into the prone boy's quivering thigh, she threaded her fingers through his hair and held onto the thick locks tightly. 'Chocolate, you're such a fucked up kid,' she thought, irrationally hoping that he had heard her. 'What am I going to do with you?' ===============================****==================================== "Find him," the voice on the phone ordered in a hard tone. "Of course," the receiver calmly replied. "All the leads end here. We'll find him and you'll have your Telepath." "Leave no witnesses." "I know the rules," the young man told his boss before the line cut off. Folding his mobile phone, he pocketed it and looked out the tinted glass window at the cold winter day, his almost brutally neutral behind thin glasses. /I know the rules./ ================================****=================================== He was cold. But then, he was always cold. Two years of living on the street would do that to a person. He rubbed gloveless hands over bare arms as he headed back to the small rattrap, roach infested, shithole of an apartment he shared with Marti. He was taller than he had been when he was thirteen, long legs clad in black leather and a matching mesh shirt that did nothing to keep him warm. He chewed absently on his last remaining unlit cigarette, sharp brown eyes tracking over the street. 'What a fucking cheap time to be a trick,' Chocolate thought to himself as he crossed the street, booted feet crunching into dirty slush. It had stopped snowing last night but it didn't matter. Times were lean during the winter and that meant the voices inside his head would return. Over the past two years he had found some middle ground with the voices in his head. If he doped himself up enough, they would leave him alone. If he missed a hit, they would make his life a living hell. Not like it wasn't already a hellish life, but he could do without those chaotic thoughts messing with his mind. Spitting out the cigarette, he scratched at the puckered line near his left wrist. It ran from his palm halfway up his forearm. A reminder of the insanity that the voices brought. Conviction for him not to miss a hit. "Should have let me die, Marti." He muttered as he pushed open the rickety door to the run down apartment building. Moving around the bodies on the stairs, he sidestepped the drunken hands and leering faces. 'Always the same damn ending,' he thought viciously as he made it to the third floor without being accosted too much. Things never changed. Pulling out his key from his pocket he shoved it into the lock and pushed open the graffitied door. The hall light was off, as usual, and the dark upholstery fabric that served as curtains were pulled. Neither of them were daylight lovers. Day meant reality. Day meant life. They wanted neither. "Chocolate, that you?" A tired voice asked from the bedroom. "Who the fuck else were you expecting?" He shouted back. The response came back mumbled and he ignored it, opening the tiny fridge and looking at the empty shelves. After a moment he shut the door and silently willed the grumbling in his stomach to die away. Wandering into their shared bedroom, he eyed Marti who was buried under the single quilt on their bed. She opened one kohl-smudged eye to look at him. "You trick enough for some food?" She asked. He snorted and threw the small wad of bills on the nightstand. "Hardly. Half that's going to a shot. The rest is for rent," he told her as he pulled off his shirt and threw it onto the floor. "Junkie, " she muttered as he toed off his boots and slid out of his pants. His tail uncurled and he stretched it out lazily. "No more a junkie than you, cunt." he retorted quietly as he crawled under the covers beside her. She moved over toward him, burrowing her face into the crook of his velvet neck. "I'm cold, Chocolate," she whispered. He wrapped an arm and his tail around her and closed his eyes. "Yeah, Me too." Together they fell asleep as the sun rose. realxty??

yea fuckin pissed but thats okay... its all good... [18 Sep 2003|09:31pm] strawberydelite mood: fuck off music: marilyn manson- suicide snowman lies cries and someone dies... every fckin day evert fuckin hour every fuckin minute lies, cries and someone dies.... fuck you fucj them fuck me no one cares lies cries and someone dies... I hate this shit I hate this world I hate the people in it lies cries and someone dies... lies are told cries are heard and somoone dies guess who... [3] _this is realxty??

to a man I love [16 Sep 2003|10:13pm] sad_sativa [ mood | sad ] could I be your shooting star burning bright imprints into your heart colourful, blazing - across a burnt horizon do I manifest starlight seem to be free am I all that you wished me to be or will my essence fade, luminescence gone- appearances can be deceiving your wish and memory dim as I do a glimpse of my aura lingering until another star falls to remind you. [2] _this is realxty??

[16 Sep 2003|08:24am] severity [ music | Chevelle, Send the pain below ] It has been a while since I have made an entry. I have had some time to revisit the prologue, here are some excerpts. ============================== "Don't smoke in the house," his mother snapped as she came through the front door, dressed in her Sunday finery. Sebastian arched a thick brown brow over a bruised eye. "Make me put it out," he challenged as he took an impudent drag, staring defiantly into her amber eyes. His tail, which he usually wore wrapped around his waist, unfurled and began to sway menacingly. The tip flickered in unconscious agitation. She glared at him and dropped her purse onto the floor. "Your father will take out of our hide when he gets back." "I just bet he will," Sebastian retorted. "He definitely won't take it out of yours." Perhaps he should have kept his mouth shut but he never had been one to listen to anyone, not even his own self. His mother stalked over toward him much quicker than he had anticipated, the sound of the slamming front door echoed loudly in time as her raised hand, nails retracted slapped him hard across the face. The force knocked him onto one knee. 'Disgusting little whore...' Not his thoughts. His mother's. He slanted his eyes up to meet hers. She still had a few inches of height on him with each half year the differences decreasing. "Calling the kettle black are we, mother?" She took a step back, amber eyes widening in fear, her own ears now folded back in contrition, barely hidden within her own dark brown hair. "If I'm a whore, so are you, just much worse." "Devil spawn," she hissed. "No wonder why he goes to your bed." Sebastian laughed bitterly as he picked the ragged stick of nicotine out of his mouth, his own immature claws extending against his will. He fumbled and dropped it on the floor. He stepped onto it, extinguishing the lit end under a sneaker clad foot. Casually he watched it burn a hole into the carpet. "Must be missing something in yours," he said, his words filled with the acid contempt he felt for them both, but especially her. He got to his feet and shoved past her. He could feel his nape hairs raised and his head hairs expanding more. "You can have the bastard back. I certainly never wanted him." She glared at him, his back to her, "I should have left you on the street the moment you were born." "Love you too," he told her. He turned toward her, for one moment she was able to meet his gaze. His smile mocked her. She turned away. Nothing would be the same between them, it was her moment for her epiphany and he knew she wasn't even worth hating. With a soft laugh Sebastian headed up to his room, slamming the door shut. ================== *** ================ Sebastian turned his stereo on and popped in a bass heavy rock CD, setting the volume as loud as he could stand it. The volume made his ears hurt and the window glass shake in its frame, he didn't care. Throwing himself onto the bed he flung an arm over his eyes and tried to ignore the headache that was pounding out a counter rhythm to the music. Another fucking migraine, hopefully he wouldn't develop nausea. For a time all that existed was the music that chased away the voices in his head. He'd lost track of the time but that did not matter anymore. Suddenly, a weight pressed down on his bed and he moved his arm, staring dispassionately at the drunk figure of his father sitting beside him. "What do you want?" He hissed, even though he knew very well what the man wanted. Sebastian doubted his father could hear him anyway. He never did. Silently, he reached for the boy, green eyes blood shot and glazed over from too much liquor. Yes, he may be drunk, but he knew exactly what he was doing. Sebastian attempted to move away as a fist slammed into his gut much faster than he could dodge. The impact drove the air out of his lungs. With a choked gasp Sebastian curled around the pain, rolling onto his side. He didn't know how long he remained immobilized by his pain or when he became aware of a heavy body pressing down on top of his own, blunt fingers forcing his chin up. Always, he was required to face him. Instinctively he let his body become limp, a body manipulated as if by knotted strings. Lying there on his bed, glassy brown eyes, wide...vision tunneling at the view of a white ceiling. Sebastian let the pain drag him into oblivion as it always did, his father's mind all the while whispering obscenities into his own. ================== *** ================ Marti poured him another shot of vodka. His fifth. Maybe his sixth? He didn't know anymore. He had lost count after they had finished the Tequila bottle and were now making in roads on the vodka. Marti was sitting across from him at the bar counter. He was standing. "Sunday fucked you again, didn't he?" She asked as causually as her slurred speech would allow. Chocolate rolled his eyes. She could be a real bitch. "That obvious?" He knew his voice didn't project any bravado as much as he tried, he was still a little self conscious. Marti smirked and waved at him nonchalantly, "You're not sitting down are you?" "I don't want to," He muttered into his drink, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. "Figured you wouldn't." They were at the club again, like always. This day she was dessed in a red matte leather dress and overly bright red lipstick, blonde hair falling over one shoulder. Chocolate wore a pair of beige skater pants and an oversized long sleeved tee shirt, it bore the symbol of the Transformer Deceptacon on the back. His brown hair uncombed and falling over his bruised eyes. Marti set down her shot glass and rested her elbow on the bar's counter. She sighed. "You look tired," She said softly. "Mind your own damned business," He growled, the last thing he wanted from her was her to be openly sympathetic. She shrugged. "If you want me to." Chocolate stared moodily down at his drink. With a grimace he downed the bitter liquid and wiped his lips on his sleeve. "Anyone here for you tonight?" He asked. "None with any good shit. No one you'd want to trade for. Trust me on that," Marti told him. "Why? You hearing voices again?" He gave her a bitter smile. "I always hear voices, Marti. They never go away." She nodded and put a cigarette to her lips and lit it. Offering him one out of her case. He took it and lit it off of hers. "My poor crazy, milk chocolate head. What will I do with you?" She mused and chuckled. "Watch me die, just like you watch everyone else dying," he retorted. She nodded slowly, blue eyes empty. "Mind if I join you on that journey to hell?" "There's room for us all, to hell," he told her with a wide, empty smile. Marti threw back her head and laughed wildly. "I just bet you can, Chocolate. I just bet you can." He reached into his pocket and fingered the last bills there. With a sigh he drew it out and stared down at it. He shrugged. "Not enough for anything, much less for the silence, " he whispered, more to himself than to her. Marti took a deep drag on her cigarette and blew out the smoke, crushing it out on the countertop, "You that desperate?" He clenched his hand into a fist accidentally triggering his nails to unsheathe, he nicked himself, cursing he pocketed the bloodied money. "For the silence," he told her through clenched teeth. "But you already know that." Marti nodded and slid off the stool. She looked at him as if seeing him for the first time. "You willing to take my jobs tonight?" She moved closer to him fingering his hair and taking out her make up searching for a concealer to hide the bruises over his cheeks and under his eyes. He eyed her, "For what?" "Two lines. Almost as good as a shot." Marti selected a shade and began rubbing her small finger into the mixture. Chocolate pondered this offer for a moment, but they both knew what the answer would be. He moved his face closer to her awaiting finger and allowed her to apply the concealer. "Deal," he said. "Then come on. I'll take you to your first customer." Marti stated after finishing the application. "Why tonight?" He asked her as she led him into the main part of the club. "That time of the month." She lied. "Oh. Right." He chided, letting her know he knew the truth. But she would protect his pride even as she knew he wouldn't admit to appreciating it. "Give me three-fourths of the cut and I'll make sure you get your lines." Marti promised. "No, problem." Chocolate nodded, "I know the drill." She smiled mockingly at him, she ruffled his head hair, "I just bet you do." He ignored her and shoved her forward. "Move," he snapped. Like he had said, he'd do anything for the silence. realxty??

Sisters (poem of multiple explanation) [14 Sep 2003|08:05pm] sad_sativa [ mood | awake ] [ music | typing of the keyboard in the dark ] The pills don't hold them back much longer, Conflicting voices getting stronger, Thoughts racing, Mind and views changing, Still here, yet so younger; Fear and anger melt to love, Lust and vunerability turning of, Protective, Paranoid, Floating void, Rising to the light above, Only a viewer of my sisters action, My thoughts only a minor distarction, Almost a relief, Among such stress and grief, Memories that haunt seem to blacken. © Dec. 1994 [2] _this is realxty??

to friends on my list this is a repost [10 Sep 2003|02:53am] sad_sativa [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Taia snoring at my feet ] I am off to have surgery in about 5 hours. It's just a one day surgery - yet the last time I had a cyst removed, andything that could happen did. Yet still I am optimistc & great faith in my doctor. I better go get some sleep, I have to be there for 8 am (ugh!) Agin, please cross fingers, toes,hair, ect; and I'll ty to udate tomorrow; until then, ice blue [4] _this is realxty??

[09 Sep 2003|04:51pm] periish_ [ mood | pessimistic ] [ music | Going Under - Evanescence ] Hello, okay if you're just joining this community or you have been a member of this community..I'm asking for more participation and for people to post and join these communities... GOT_BEQ Remembrance_ Remembrance contests won't start up until I can generate more of a response from people on here, so just wait until I announce the start of it, but I do want people to join and become familiar with what it's about...and please pimp this community out...it's so awesome when you post and actually feel like people are looking and watching and wanting to read what you write. ;/ [1] _this is realxty??

I uploaded some pics, I hope you enjoy [06 Sep 2003|07:38am] sad_sativa [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | birds outside ] http://briefcase.yahoo.com/lazulus_eyes realxty??

okay hi [05 Sep 2003|10:33am] _blxwinq_ [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | Eternal - Evanescence ] This is Cyn. For some reason-my periish account won't work. Anyway....I'm trying to get more participation on this journal...if people would just join...I'm advertising and everything, but I don't see anyone joining. I want to build this place up, get it into something that everyone knows, so that we can get some awesome feedback going for people who actually post. Great job to those who do, this is an awesome place for creativity. I see that members haven't posted in got_beq and no one has shown interest in remembrance so I'm not going to shut the community down, cause its my baby -sad face- buttttt its really annoying to me and I'm sure to others, when you post something and you don't get to hear any feedback on it, or don't see that it effects anyone in any sort of way...it's just disappointing...so i'll be looking forward to some more activity by all who joined this community. I want to see some comments...and I want to see some information so that we can know the authors...get into your mindddddd ;x -smile- just kidding, no puppetmasters here...mk well I'll be talking to you all l8r. <3 cyn [1] _this is realxty??

20 Sweet Roses [03 Sep 2003|10:52pm] strawberydelite 20 Sweet Roses... I started with none... I ended with 35... I started with 35... I ended with 55... 20 sweet editions to my painting... 20 sweet roses painted against my pale canvas... to make 55 sweet roses against my pale canvas... 1 silver bullet... 55 silver slides... make 55 sweet roses... against my pale canvas... thoughts of hate... thoughts of love... thoughts of every fucked up thing... thoughts of every thing great... make 55 sweet roses... with more to come... where the old ones fade... then new ones ones shine... [5] _this is realxty??

this is not finished yet, I think... [29 Aug 2003|09:17pm] sad_sativa [ music | delerium - silence ] I am single again, not sure what to do with myself; as I still live in the 2 bedroom with my ex. Feels soooo strange, too weird - but this poem is one of many reasons what brought out the demise in our 'relationship'. Engrossed in the machine Wish I could turn off Need burns within me Becoming disconnected If only you could see See you content Engrossed in the machine How can I compare Contact of flesh does not hold your intrest long Becoming detached Flesh heals so easily Thoughts muddled for now If I stay numb long enough Maybe I can please you Wounds inside burn so deep I only wish that I could sleep Slow or stop what's in my mind Fearing the fates of others my kind The true insanity is surrendering my will To those who seem so eager to fill Just to have me feel more empty than before I feel foolish to have expected more. © ice blue [4] _this is realxty??

Unfinished [29 Aug 2003|08:14pm] sad_sativa [ mood | horny ] [ music | Sumo Jo - Vocalise & Corso and the girl ] ~Unfinished~ Your gaze so hungry, burning alive luminary, consuming all senses, Savoring, smoldering - excited you writhe help me lose this conciousness; To slice you - bathe in your liquid magic blind my eyes so I can feel my way, Wasted to love so twisted it's tragic wicked by nature, so sweet the pain; Humiliated, bruised, I'll beg for more such a co-dependent obsessive fool, Feverish, trembling to my core you're so kind to be so cruel; Seduced, beaten - bound by lust pain runs deeper with every thrust Sweating passion - biting, thrashing in this exquisite sanity I trust; Blissful rapture, how can this be a sin? oh bend my will until I break, blazing, shivering - such delicious confusion for this all gods I shall forsake... © sad_sativa realxty??

[29 Aug 2003|09:27am] periish_ [ mood | working ] [ music | Doves - Firesuite ] Deviants He has no certain look, no mumble to his book, and he talks as if he knows, that all his hatred shows, he has no responsibility, compliance, or stability, and everyone is so unaware, of why he doesn't really care, although he always explains why, its really hard for anyone to deny, that he has no sense of fashion, no love, no peace, no passion, the goblin of the night, survives within his plight, and though if he ever saw, the reason there was law, he would purposefully delight, in refuting anything right, correction be mistaken, and order be forsaken, for what he speaks as truth, is simply reviewed as uncouth, let his arguments be interrupted, another person be corrupted, by a sense of animosity, for all that is curiosity, drawn in by his terms, the challenger who learns, that nothing is to be to blame, when every word insane, to everyone else but his own mind, he is the epitome of humankind, deviant, transient, fleeting concubine, but can his own name, you identify? Philosophies by Cyn Works of art are never thought, they are believed and transferred as light to paper, the only brushes being the lashes of the creator's eye If my hands be the way to your salvation, then I will cut them off and give them to you, and in this way, you will find the way yourself. Everything believed true is not necessarily true, and being as we are creatures of curiosity, we believe this as complete truth. If every word I speak untrue, every argument fallacious, then am I lying or telling you the truth as I speak now? People sit here and complain that they have nothing to do in there lives, that their daily events are so boring that they must deliberate them to us. In all reality, anything can be boring once one has lost the ability to find substance in their world of tedious fascism. Why does the ocean always breath as such that it is being pushed and pulled, and if so, then are we not waves, and the tidals are what bring us over the barriers? Sweet surrender, I have found you in the night, sweet surrender, I have found you in the day, sweet surrender, I have found you in the morning, sweet surrender, I have found you all my life, sweet surrender has acosted me for I am without. dont steal my thoughts, they are all I have sometimes. [if you want to quote me -presses hand against chest, tear- just give me some credit] Aww, silence....... by Cyn realxty??

hola [29 Aug 2003|08:57am] periish_ [ mood | pleased ] [ music | Phantom Planet - California ] this is Cyn, your moderator speaking. I just realized that I'm gonna want some rules from now on about pictures, images, and just a couple of other things. I'm really loving the communication between the members and how its all working out, it's so awesome to see it build like this -tear- hehe From now on I want all pix, artwork that is of considerable size to be placed behind lj cut tags . This is just to remove lag as well as not create too many disturbances on friends view. I would like to apologize for not being as active as I should be with commenting and posting. I promise that will all change. My little community...is all...grown up....haha...anyways...I'm also going to be adding some new communities to this....For instance, a meet and greet type of site, where members of the site can post their aims and we can get to knowing the people behind their poetry type of thing. I also am thinking of a little competition site where members of beq can post their poetry to be rated and then we will start having like a top 3 writer, just a little incentive to get people to be more active and just to you know have a friendly little wager sometimes...let me know how you guys feel about that or any other problems. Alrighty, creative thinkers...... -=|cyn|=- realxty??

Just a poem [29 Aug 2003|03:17am] sad_sativa [ mood | crushed ] [ music | humming sound of my pc ] (March) 3/14 Set apart I fall to pieces In a different light I cast a glow So unique yet so alone Mistakes like cracks in the path before me Puddles of misery shine my reflection Is it worth the pain endured Nothing familiar Split ends to be cut away Avoiding the knife I twist delicately only to shove myself back inside Know cure emotional cancer holy to the core my affliction makes me weak I fall to pieces set apart © sad_sativa [2] _this is realxty??

I don't know if pics are allowed... [26 Aug 2003|10:35pm] sad_sativa [ mood | curious ] [ music | La Femme Nikita - Everything but the girl 'No Difference' ] If not, I sincerely apologize ahead of time! I just wished to put a face with the words I guess, not to mention show the very cool painting behind/above me in the second pic. Unfortunately I just found out it was painted over {heavy sigh} yet at least I have this pic & some great memories. Oh, after the pics I added a poem to boot, as this is a post for creative minds ;}) Let me know what ya'll think, yes? The World Within You Sitting here beside you for what seems the millionth time, gazing into your eyes. I see behind your shield and lose myself in your mysterious soul. Confusion runs rampant and colours swirl endlessly as if a silent whirlpool resides here. I feel the painful dampness of so many uncried tears, and the chill of your insecurities. Rejection hides away there along with bright flashes of agony that blur my vision. The suffering that pierces your heart and lives within makes itself known here, hanging in the air like heavy fog. Yes I do feel the pain of your yesterdays. Yet further, beyond this, lies a fiery spirit full of pride. I wrap myself in its warmth, gathering strength from the safety here. Oh how I wish you could see all the mystical beauty that reigns within you! Touching the very essence of you in such ways is magical; in ways I've never known. Even the music inside you radiates... I see sides of you unborn, so delicate and innocent to the world around. You often lower your eyes from mine, possibly from shame or fear. You don't have to cover your world within, I sense your vunerability. But if you close your eyes to hide from me you'll only open them to me awaiting patiently for you. © sad_sativa [4] _this is realxty??

Sincerity [22 Aug 2003|10:18pm] severity [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | Marylin Manson, Mobscene ] Sincerity The boy whore named Sincerity I cut his life expectancy at twenty-three His former mistress Grimson "It's okay, the price for his golden rings are wrapped in his darkened voice" Nodding, I accepted Sincerity At one time when he was human extremely shy, evasive...such a human being, "You sense yourself as the world as oppose to the sense of yourself in the world," I said. I watched Sincerity, gestures of his body serving now as a guide post to that paradise lost. The boy would never invade never acknowledge compliment never make it obvious that he was sharing Our bodies talking more to ourselves than words to each other, allowing the other to listen in as he reflected me as only I could reach myself. He has reached a mature femininity of a highly regarded courtesan. Sincerity, even with you, first in a hearst When you don't even know my name I have conceived you in a wish of revelation Your soul masticated in me Your mouth with words gone silent You are strapped down, heavy tied up and bound By my own hands I have dressed you so Skin just as pale, whiter... Flesh as soft, smoother... With hair and desires not golden The Black silk of night Lips purple of violent pleasure You are such a different prize Kohled and perfumed Even as the valet with steel tight grips bear you up To hold you down at command Weilding the lash and cruel word Without the intension to mislead you Never considering how long you'd stay.... Play... It remains... My taking your blood and mind Is the way I thank your body For being mine. Not surprising that I would exact such demands from Sincerity. Grimson prepared him well. --S.S (2003) Severity [5] _this is realxty??

[22 Aug 2003|10:01pm] severity [ mood | bitchy ] Borderline Nothing has to change No dilemmas to overstimulate you I don't want you any other way I just want you the way you are --borderline It shows me how much you love me Even to relax and take the liars, the cheats... doesn't mean a thing to me I don't mind to take your moments into pleasure 'to be myself or not to be myself?' That is the question While turning piss into wine forced to face my own stability To be able to fuck a short memory I am going to see you up in hell To die and become you For as much as I fear loving you I fear myself much more. ---S.S (2003) [7] _this is realxty??

Afterglow [22 Aug 2003|07:17pm] sad_sativa [ mood | artistic ] [ music | Vast - Touched ] ~Afterglow~ candlelight and mirrors steamy whispers clumsy bodies trembling, beautiful consumed by your touch, your eyes... spinning, burning shining in the glow - dark reflections dripping on my neck, my back... rippling, melting overwhelming fire - white light faraway cries falling into cool breezes content to dream in my lover's arms... sad_sativa © May 18, 2003 [1] _this is realxty??

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