| 7:07a |
Getting Hitched
I dreamt last night, very realistically, that I got married to Baret. He asked, I accepted - thinking it would be cool and that I'd like to experience "being married" to someone. But then I flipped out and the closer it got, the more I panicked.
I remember picking out the wedding dress, I remember getting ready for it all with my Mom and sister and secretly just dying inside. I wanted to call it all off, but it seemed it was too late for that. I kept hoping my Mom would notice, or just know in that way that she does, that I didn't want this but she never said anything, and neither did I. I kept hoping *someone*, anyone, would look at me and ask, "Do you really want to do this?" and I would be able to scream, "No! No, not at all." But no one did - everyone being so caught up in the "wedding".
All I could think the entire time was "what will I tell Jeremy?" and "how will Jeremy take this?". He was all I could think about and the reason I did not want to go through with this wedding. I kept asking myself how I could've put myself in this mess. I didn't want to be a wife - not to Baret, though I love him. I was literally sick as we drove to the hall where the wedding was to be held (it wasn't a church).
All of his family and my family was there - smiling and happy. He was there, nervous and smiling - I think he was happy but afraid. I don't think anyone has ever experienced such extreme cold feet as I! We did it - I remember standing up there next to him and wanting to drop dead or sink into the floor. It wasn't right; I wasn't supposed to be marrying Baret and I knew it. But to stop it at that point would've hurt him so and I just couldn't do that.
I don't remember much of a reception, but I remember us leaving. Going home and everything was different. We'd lived together for years but now that we were "man" and "wife", it all just felt different. He was a bit shy around me and I was just mute. We went out to eat, or on our honeymoon, I'm not sure which. I remember us being in a restuarnt and our waiter learning that we were newlyweds and him having the whole restaurant toast to us. Baret looked happy and proud, I just smiled weakly - trying to enjoy myself, knowing I had done this and had to make the best out of it. But I was so sad; so very sad.
Current Mood: crushed |