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[04 Oct 2003|10:08pm] |
this journal kinda died...
www.greatestjournal.com/~wastingtime
you can find me there :(
i'll try to update this one more..maybe
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[13 Sep 2003|11:41am] |
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ok so next monday is my birthday and my mom insists that i do something, even though im a loser and i have no friends that would be interested in coming. well it's just going to be a cookout with family and shit. but my moms all like "are you sure you dont have any friends that would like to come?" so yeah anyways, if you want to come it's on saturday, not sure what time yet but it will be in the afternoon sometime. so if you can/want to come, leave a comment or IM me. ill get at you with the details :-D
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[24 Aug 2003|04:36pm] |
from now on this journal will be FRIENDS ONLY
friends list clean up. deleted everyone. my attempt at being able to read my friends page and actually find FRIENDS there. comment to be added [back] ;x
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| inside my head |
[17 Jun 2003|05:41pm] |
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living to: |
feeling: |
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 numb |
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living to: |
feeling: |
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st. anger |
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Get inside my head for about five minutes…
Why do I have so many questions? Why do I cry so much? Why do I feel like what I’m doing to myself is unhealthy? Why do I listen to my voicemail a million times a day when I know that there’s not going to be anything new there? Why am I disappointed when there’s not? Why do I always set myself up for disappointment? Why do I always think that things will be better than they will? Why am I upset then I’m wrong? Why do I always seem to fuck everything up? Why am I surprised when I realize that i've messed something up? Why do I have no life? Why do I wish that I did? Why do I continue hurting myself the way that I do? Why do I hate the way I feel about life? Why do I wish I had more friends? Why do I think that the people that I call friends really don’t give a shit about me? Why is it scarier to think that I’m right? Why do I not want to wake up every morning? Why do I ever think that things will ever get better? Why do I have any hope? Why do I continue to try to do good in school when I really could care less? Why does everyone think that I like being smart? Why am I smart? Why can’t I be dumb? Why does it seem like only the stupid people have fun? Why cant I just do something productive? Why am I so damn lazy? Why does my mom get mad at me for being lazy? Why don’t I care that she’s mad at me? Why am I asking so many fucking questions? Why doesn’t anyone have the answers to my questions? Why are you wasting your time reading this? Why do I think that no one would miss me if I died today? Why do I always end up hurting the people that I care about the most? Why do the people that I care about the most always end up hurting me? Why do I always end up liking someone that doesn’t even know that I exist? Why do people stab each other in the backs? Why do teenagers date? Why don’t I date? Why doesn’t anyone care? Why do I keep eyeing my safety pin? Why does it bring me so much comfort? Why do I wish I were dead? Why can’t I escape from all my pain? Why do I want to fall in love if I don’t believe in it? Why does my chest hurt? Why do I pretend to be happy? Why am I rarely happy? Why cant people tell when I’m faking? Why cant people just understand me? Why cant people just accept me for who I am? Why do I try so hard to fit in if I don’t care what other people think? Why do I not care who reads this and gives me shit about it? Why have I just completely stopped caring about everything? Why does a minute seem like days in my head? Why is music the only thing that makes me happy? Why is my cd collection the only thing that’s there for me when I need to be comforted? Why does my mom hate all my friends? Why doesn’t my mom just learn to deal with me? Why do people label others? Why don’t people understand that you can’t label me no matter how hard you try? Why do people insist on daily making me cry? Why was I looking forward to the summer since ill be even more idle than before? Why do I always want something until I have it? Why don’t I want it anymore once I get it? Why do I feel so uncomfortable when I lie? Why can’t I lie? Why do I not have a concept of time? Why do people make it past their teenage years? Why do I not see a point in living? Why do I have so many mood changes? Why am I so bad at making friends? Why am I so quiet? Why am I so loud? Why is black my favorite color when I used to hate it? Why do I love change so much? Why do I hate change so much? Why can’t I just run away? Why doesn’t anything ever go my way? Why do I always ask the same questions? Why do actually expect someone to have all the answers? Why do I actually expect someone to care? Why do I actually expect someone to read this? Why am I so mean to my sister? Why do I act like a bitch sometimes? Why can’t I find somewhere that I belong? Why doesn’t anyone like me? Why do I know that if anyone does waste their time reading this that they will not comment or comment with lies? Why don’t I trust anyone? Why have I changed so much? Why do I just wish I could be someone else? Why don’t I have any money? Why do little rich kids act so spoiled? Why do they have to rub everything in my fault? Why do I hate it every time I look in the mirror? Why is one of my biggest goals to have a song written about me? Why am I so strange? Why aren’t there more people like me? Why do I feel suicidal when I’m not? Why do I feel homicidal knowing that I could never actually kill someone? Why does it seem like suicide is the easy way out? Why do I like to take the easy way out of everything? Why am I not going to do it this time? Why am I holding on? Why do I obsess over random things? Why are the things that make me happy the same things that make me cry? Why doesn’t my mom let me do anything that I want to do? Why aren’t I happy with myself at all? Why does everyone always leave me when I need them the most? Why cant I just find one really really good friend that I cant tell everything to? Why do I hate to do all the stuff that everyone else loves to do? Why do people look at me so weird? Why do I seem to argue with everyone? Why am I putting myself out there and letting anyone read this? Why am I risking losing all my “friends?” why can’t I close my eyes and fly away? Why don’t I have an immune system? Why am I always so bored? Why am I so random? Why am I so confused about everything? Why can’t I be invisible? Why can’t I just disappear? Why can’t my life be normal? Why is there no such thing as normal? Why do I keep contradicting myself? Why do I like small words? Why do I like to walk in the rain? Why am I happiest when it’s storming? Why is my attention span so short? Why am I so impatient? Why doesn’t anyone ever call me just to talk? Why am I a disgrace to my family? Why do I not want success? Why do I want to be a failure? Why do I believe that there really is a reason why certain people meet? Why can’t I ever take anyone’s advice? Why do I always have to learn the hard way? Why am I not sorry for anything that I’m saying? Why do I always push people away? Why do I miss something that I never had? Why am I attracted to the type of guy who doesn’t give a shit about me? Why am I so lonely? Why am I wasting my time? Why? Just plain why?
Why am I finally starting to understand? …
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