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fake plastic trees - radiohead |
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i'm surprised with myself. i just looked at the clock, realized it was 2 am and i was bored, and decided to go to sleep. i'm not tired lol.. wtf? i can't sleep. i'm legitly bored. not in a "surf the internet" or "stalk people's facebooks" sort of way. in an antsy sort of way. i turned off the music and the lights.. even the fishtank light. and curled up next to joey.
then i asked myself "what the fuck is wrong with me?", and got back up. I'M NOT TIRED.
wtf am i going to sleep for? so i can wake up in time to get an egg sandwich by myself? fuck that. if i miss breakfast at the deli, i'll go to a supermarket and buy some fucking eggs. i need to buy frosting anyway.
i kept thinking about writing since i got home, but i haven't written anything since that crazy night.. and idk.. i feel like it needs an explanation. i just dont feel like giving it anymore. maybe i'll give one someday.
i'm making a drink. not cause i really need one.. i just want to feel tired before the sun comes up. it's not like i'm doing anything stimulating. i got my period this morning,. so i'm not really feeling like excercising or masturbating.. or fucking for that matter.
i've had my head so far up my ass lately, that i didn't even realize i was getting my period. me, of all people. and on an extremely obvious month.
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First, it was the emotions. Off the wall. I thought it was just me.
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Then, there was the smell. it's a distinct smell when i'm getting my period.. but basically every time my pussy was exposed yesterday, it was for sex. So my thoughts were like "uh wow.. i need a shower.. lets hope he doesnt smell it too bad".
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Then, there was the cramp. I can do pain. I just don't give a fuck most of the time. I get hurt all the time. Cuts, scrapes, bruises, occasional sprains.. i get the fuck over it. I don't get sick.. if i do, i get the fuck over it. Practically the only thing i've experienced with the potential to physically break me down.. is THAT cramp. It means "your period will be here by tomorrow". The only remedy for me, is advil liqui-gels or laying still with a blanket. idk why i didn't recognize it.
I didn't get drunk sunday, or monday, or today. i'm not "proud of myself" or anything, just stating the facts. well.. i'm almost positive i didn't drink anything sunday.
Somehow, i forgot about Pandora Radio. It's not good for every day, but i can think of days that it would have been appreciated.
Neen just got hired at my store. I'm nervous. Not only am i a total spaz, and i'll be her boss.. but last time we worked together, it was a major turning point in my life. I know once doesn't make a trend lol.. i'm just wondering what is going to come of this.
I've been getting skinnier. Which is pretty exciting, because i'm bloated. (bloating - another reason i should have known about my period.. though the trying to lose weight gives me some slack). I just have to stop scopping frosting straight from the container into my mouth and shovelling down chips. its one thing to keep up your metabolism, it's another to skip meals, and replace it with a stomacheful of sugar and salt.
i'm pouring another drink. the only reason i'm mentioning this, is because i already turned off the lights. i don't want to wake joey by turning them back on, so i'm going near the bathroom light so i can see the lines in the cup. part of doing this, is saving my entry, and x-ing out of blurty, incase he wakes up in the process. :-)
back again :-)
My dad:
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He might be broke, he might never stop smoking crack, and he might be drunk all the time. He might insult people with pre-existing eating disorders, not have a problem with beating women, and he may sometimes even get a little weire around my friends, sometimes me.
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Nut god, does he try hard to be there when i need him.
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and honestly, i KNOW deep down that all i have to say is "dad, you don't have a choice. i need help". and he will find a way. i know it. He never promised that he'd always be there. All he ever promised was that he'd try his best. Yet, I KNOW that if he knows i'm serious, i know he'll work it out. My mom, on the other hand.. promised her life that she would be there for me.. no matter what. She vowed up and down that "even if i was a murderer", she was still my mother, and she would be there for me. As great of a mother (and daughter) as she has been, and deserves a break, i still feel like she should keep her promise. And it makes me sad that if my dad wasn't my dad, it'd be best if he wasn't a part of my life. yet, he's the only person i know that i can really rely on.
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i called him today.. cause i was stressing about how i was going to get another pack of cigarettes to get me through the week. he said he might be able to drop a pack off at my job. he said he'd call me at work later.
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he came, and gave me 2 packs of cigarettes and $30. all i asked for was a pack of cigarettes or some money towards one lol.
i have to pee
I almost wish i was in Virginia, as mush as i am almost glad that i'm not.
(quick recap)
JULY or AUGUST 2005 (right before junior year) I THINK:
Ryan Flynn (from elementary school) and i met up randomly while he was out from VA, we had a 4 day encounter, thought i was in love. spent 2 weeks with him in Fredricksburg, VA. made great friends out there, made plans to move there, came home, and never talked to ryan again, but still talked to his friends.
around SEPTEMBER:
made friends with john vitti. talked a lot about ryan. they were always kinda friends.
around the time that i moved in here with joey, john moved down to Virginia to live with Ryan. There are rumors of him doing heroin and shit, but that's not what i want to write about.
Ryan had a girlfriend down there, for a while. As long as John lived there. She died about two months ago. From what i heard, she got drunk and wrapped her car around a tree. I never met her, but for some reason, i thought of her today. And i looked at her facebook. Ryan was the last person to comment. Apparently, after you die, people write shit on your wall like crazy. Like ur gonna read it. Lol.. i wonder if anyone friend requests the dead. Sorry.. disrespectful. But, yeah.. ryan's thing said that he slept in his bed for the first time since she's been gone, but it felt okay, because he felt like she was there with him. It broke my heart. i don't know how people move on. if i was ryan, and i wasn't already doing heroin, i'd probably start.
I like myself. Really, i do. I don't care how i deal with my life in private. I don't care if i'm throwing up, cutting myself, drinking myself into oblivion. I'm a cool ass bitch.
And i am making a vow, right now. Aside from my father (if i start it.. AND HE FIGHTS FAIR.. i know its still fucked up.. but i can't write off my dad), if another man ever hits me, he is gone. i used to be able to write people off if they gave me a reason to.
THIS IS THE NEW AUTUMN. she's a hell of a lot like the old autumn. and she's fucking serious. and she's nobody's bitch.
lets just hope that joey keeps his anger under control, or he may just get castrated.
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drained
crappy
contemplative