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[05 Sep 2003|06:04pm] |
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mood |
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 dirty |
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music |
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Invisible - Clay Aiken |
] |
I hate me, I really do.
I've been sitting here for the past...er, 2 hours or so, listening to these cd samples on repeat. Blech on my stupid brain and thinking things it shouldn't. This isn't right. No.
I hate walking around this empty house all of the time. I should sell it and get an apartment by myself.
And where the HELL IS MY BACHELOR PARTY? :-x I mean, this could go on forever since people just like to...disappear on me.
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[27 Aug 2003|11:47pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
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music |
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You thought wrong - Kelly Clarkson |
] |
So. Since my fiancee says he's going to hide from me until we get married...what I'm wondering is...
Who's going to start my 2 month long bachelor party?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
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[24 Aug 2003|05:17pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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I. would really. like to see my fiancee.
More than maybe...oh, once every 2 weeks?
That would be a nice occurance, you think?
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[14 Aug 2003|11:28pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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Yes, because my fiancee has disappeared and Saturday is our final concert in Orlando.
So I'm camping out here. In Orlando. With the guys, spending the last days as "Otown" together.
They ask about Andy and I don't even know where he is.
Can you say I'm freaking out just a little bit?
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[10 Aug 2003|05:15am] |
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mood |
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cynical |
] |
Ever felt alone although you're surrounded by people?
Yeah. Not quite the best feeling in the world.
I'm trying my damndest to supress it, but I'm not being very successful.
How do you fix something like this?
I'm not sure if I can.
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[01 Aug 2003|11:04am] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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So...today is a nice day, somewhat. I'm just hanging out, kickin' my feet up and taking a load off.
Yeah.
He forgot.
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[28 Jul 2003|04:33am] |
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mood |
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moody |
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I don't think I could be happier than I am at the moment. And just when I think I'm about ready to take that next step, I freeze.
Remembering what happened the last time, I don't know if I could go through that again. I have no doubts that Andy cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me, but sometimes, things like that can't be helped. You fall for someone, you get scared, whatever the reason - and you run. I know this is a risk everyone takes at one time or another - the greater the risk, the greater the reward.
What is the next step? It's a big one. It's one of those where you put yourself on the line in order to achieve the bigger dream. I couldn't even tell him I was attracted to him when I worked with him before and even now, when I look at him? I get the nervous butterflies. Will he wake up and think I'm a big joke? Will he just turn over, look at me and ask himself what the hell he's doing with me?
I don't know the answers to those questions, I'm not Andy. But I do know that my feelings for him have been quite strong for years and I refuse to give him up without any sort of fight. He deserves to know how I feel, how much I love him.
I bet he doesn't know this, but after I left Australia, I wrote this song. It's included on the current album. I'm not sure if he's aware that he was the inspiration for this song.
So, here is some of it if you've never heard it before. I assumed it was pretty obvious.
( Craving )
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[27 Jul 2003|12:54am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
] |
I didn't think life could get any worse until that call.
I was in the studio in my basement and I got a call that Andy had been admitted to the hospital. This wasn't something minimal either, this was serious.
It scared me. We had just found our way back to each other and then it seemed he was about to be taken away again. WE didn't deserve it and even more importantly, HE didn't deserve it. He's got all of this life in front of him. Fortuneately, he came out of his coma and I was there when his sight returned. I vowed to stay by his side no matter what. All of this made me realize that Andy is someone I refuse to live without.
So, one of these days, I have a surprise for him. I only hope he will enjoy it :)
Guess who's birthday is on Friday? *does a dance*
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[12 Jul 2003|05:15am] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
] |
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music |
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All I want is you - U2 |
] |
Where oh where should I begin?
Things have the weirdest ways of turning around on you when you least expect it.
I suppose it's very apparent that some things will never change no matter what happens. Years can pass and things can feel like they never progressed, never moved on. And when you relive your past, it takes you over and you can't control it, you can't supress it.
My breath has been taken away. It's harder to breathe and the air is so exceedingly suffocating to the point where I choke just to gulp down the air I can. The dizziness covers my eyes and I begin to walk blind.
Please, hold me up. I'm falling down a steep incline and I can't stand. I refuse to.
Man, I'm just....I'm getting too serious. I really am. My brain is saying "stop!". I'm scared. I always have been. Paranoia is the worst of my features. Someone that beautiful? That great? Why wouldn't their eye be out for anyone else but me?
Maybe this time, I got lucky. Maybe this one is real.
That doesn't frighten me any less.
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[07 Jul 2003|11:33pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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Have you ever felt like you're no longer alive? Like you're just going through the motions because that's what you're supposed to do?
That's how I feel.
I would like to get out of this funk, I really would....
....but I don't know how.
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[07 Jul 2003|11:33pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
] |
Have you ever felt like you're no longer alive? Like you're just going through the motions because that's what you're supposed to do?
That's how I feel.
I would like to get out of this funk, I really would....
....but I don't know how.
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[21 Jun 2003|01:44am] |
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mood |
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discontent |
] |
I really hate being like this.
I always have to make things more complicated than they really are. Someone kick some sense into me. Please.
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[09 Jun 2003|12:40am] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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How bad is it to want to throw something against the wall? How awful is it to enjoy the sound of the glass shattering to the floor and wanting to do it again and again?
I really hate it when people can't look beyond themselves to see a bigger picture. It's like I just want to get away but I don't know how because there's always something there.
How do I talk about this, how do I break free of it?
I really don't know if I can.
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[07 Jun 2003|03:15am] |
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mood |
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 dorky |
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music |
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Calling all angels - Train |
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Tobey is good with the fast replies if he's talking to 8 people!
Horses, Zebras and The Ring couldn't have been any more interesting man.
That's all and now...I'm out.
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[02 Jun 2003|08:47am] |
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music |
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Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band |
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God, I don't even know where to begin or if I even should. Everything going on around me is such a blur. It's like this incredibly fast Kamikoze that won't stop. There's the ups, there's the downs and there's the little stuck in betweens.
I stayed with Dan for awhile because I know both he and I needed each other. I know that he's had it rough, alone with the kids, but hopefully he knows that he can call me if he needs to. My house is a few streets down and I can be there in thirty seconds, no problem. Okay, well give or take a minute or two.
I don't know where else to begin with this other mystery of mine. Actually, it's not really a mystery, but I find myself baffled as to how it came about. The thing is, I don't want to figure it out because this is something that just.....is. I don't want to dissect it, I don't want to press myself so deep into finding out what it is because then I won't enjoy it.
I think through life we all make these...connections. Some a little stronger than others, some more gradual and some immediate. This would definitely be that strong, immediate one and not for the reasons that most would think. This friendship, this bond that we have has turned into something different than I was certainly looking for. It's almost as if I'm afraid to say anymore because I don't want to do this an injustice but at the same time, I'm almost bursting at the seams to put this to words. So, I'll just leave these as I crawl into bed...
...I'm the king of the castle
You're the dirty rascle
Crash into me
Oh see you crash into me baby,
'Cause I am swimming in your seas
And in your ocean
And I feel your waves come and crash into me
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[25 May 2003|03:53am] |
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mood |
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mellow |
] |
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music |
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Colorblind - Counting Crows |
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Well....I really don't know where to begin. And for once, starting in the middle just might be the best place.
First of all, I have to thank Dan. He's been letting me crash at his place for a while and we've been a lot of help to each other. I've been helping him watch the little ones and we've been kinda....talking about things. I've been trying endlessly to cheer him up with my lame jokes, but sometimes I think he's only laughing to appease me. I can tell he's hurting, that he's trying to be strong for the family and I really truly wish that I could do something. All I can do is show him the same kind of friendship he's shown me. Whatever you need man, I'm here for you, I promise.
I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for the new friends I've made in the past week, God you all are amazing. I think I will definitely elaborate more tomorrow when I'm far more awake and can do the rest of my week justice....just know that I'm not forgetting about you *smiles*
So, someone has kept me in deep conversation all night and after long, hard deliberation on certain topics, I'm exhausted - in all best ways possible, of course. Stimulating conversation comes along once every few weeks or so, so I am eagerly awaiting the next one.
So, now that I've brought Spanky back to Orlando and I could tell he really missed the beach. I let him out today and the dog ran straight into the ocean! He loves the water and I guess I realized how much I missed it too.
So anyway, I guess I'm out. Tomorrow is a new day, fresh with no mistakes in it and I can't wait.
~Ash~
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[18 May 2003|08:26pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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Giving up is hard. It's like he disappeared. I look down at this ring on my finger and I know in my heart that he's not coming back, at least not to me. And this...pride in me wants to throw the ring in the ocean and forget him. But I can't and I won't. If anything, he's helped me grow and become stronger. Everything in life happens for a reason and now that things are this way, I'm only assuming we've served our purpose for one another. What I was to him, I'll never know. I sit here and countlessly twist this ring around my finger wondering what I did, why I find it so hard for someone to love me. I gave up everything for him and he gave up everything for...I don't know. I sit here knowing that wherever he might be, that he's happy he's not with me. My heart twists and contorts to try not to fall apart but it doesn't help. He left me. He walked out on our dreams. And now there's nothing I can say or do that will bring him back to me the way that he was, that will even bring him back to me. Because I'm just not enough to make him want to stay. Sometimes, love just isn't enough, considering he even loved me in the first place.
So this is how it feels to be alone. Something I swore I'd never have to feel and now I live it. And when I wake up without my ring tomorrow, I'll have to tell myself that it's over. I have to remind myself that it wasn't necessarily my choice and that makes it even harder because someone who promised to live by faith, love and understanding turned on his words. My heart will hurt and putting it back together...well, I don't even want to think of how long that will take, if it ever even happens at all.
*closes my eyes, feeling the tears come freely, the words falling out in a low, choked whisper* It's over.
( ...this is all... )
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[16 May 2003|04:05am] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
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music |
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How's it gonna be - Third Eye Blind |
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Have you ever realized that you are no longer what you want to be, but yet you are an image of what everyone else thinks you should be?
I looked in the mirror yesterday and realized that I lost a sense of who I was before all of this came into play, before the fame. I've met some amazing individuals through my experience, but if I could do it again - and take some people back with me - I would. Because this....isn't cutting anymore. I just have this incessant need to return to where I came from, to be with family, something to keep me grounded from the highs and lows of the rich and famous. Even though I'm rich and not even nearly famous anymore.
I thought about running away to gather my thoughts, going back to LA. I thought about going to Nova Scotia and getting lost in the scenery. I thought about going a lot of places to get away and start over. Then I realized running away from your problems isn't the answer. Then I realized I couldn't face my problems because they ran away on me. So saving what's left would take....more than I think he has and definitely more than he wants to give. And what upsets me more than anything is that I gave up everything to be with him. I gave up my house in LA, I gave up the comforts of home in Orlando, I hurt a great guy. But I suppose the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward - if you reach that point. And something faltered somewhere. The risk was all there with no rewards.
I found myself quickly calling an old friend and apologizing senselessly. She told me it was alright and then I asked her a favor - to watch Spanky for me. I told her I'd pay her, she said she didn't need the money that she'd do it for free. So thank you for that.
I then met up with another old friend. Well, not necessarily 'old' seeing as if we haven't been friends since diapers or anything. But old as in we haven't talked in ages. They invited me to their home and I gladly accepted. And when I saw this person, and the flood of memories came rushing back though my mind, I didn't feel so lost anymore. Everything was so natural and almost....flawless in their presence. I didn't have to pretend, I was me and to them, that was more than okay, more than enough. Feeling normal again made me realize that someone who makes you feel like you're never right, that you're never worth it isn't what I want and for the past two months, it's been a feeling running rampant in my mind. Like I said before, he doesn't want to fix it. I've given him the chances time after time. And like I told myself - after tonight, things will never be the same.
( ...took the wrong road... )
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[14 May 2003|04:02am] |
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mood |
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indifferent |
] |
I don't know what to say or to do anymore. I just sit here and stare at all of our things and they just don't seem like ours anymore. I look at the tv and think "I bought that" and I look at the dining set and I think "Kevin bought that". It's no longer ours. I look at the ring on my finger and I don't think "when are we getting married?" I think....when am I going to come home to an empty apartment? More so than now? When will he have taken all of his things and run off for good?
I think that time is coming more sooner than later because I'm starting to think that maybe I should just stop prolonging the inevitable and leave first. He's made no attempts at all to try to talk to me about this. NONE. After so long, people start believing they are unworthy of other's time, which I completely feel when I think about Kevin. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear he's seeing someone else. Not like I'd be completely surprised at this point.
So, it looks like I might be getting my own place sometime soon. I might even go back to LA to stay with some family for a while, maybe stay in my own place there. Take Spanks (the dog) with me.
Why do I even bother? I heard this song on the radio yesterday. Thought it was appropriate. It's a nice, lovely little ditty. It'll get no reaction. Like always.
( ...too nice for you... )
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[11 May 2003|07:21pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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You know, at least Anson is trying to reach out to Dan. I get nothing.
Well, I get nothing from anyone, period. Not like I necessarily deserve anything....just being absolutely miserable all by yourself blows.
You know, it's strange when you're the world to someone and like....when it really comes down to something serious, they show their true colors. I'm just glad I found this out now before we actually went through with a wedding. I'm at the point now where I'm just numb from all of this.
Who cares? He doesn't. Why would someone else? See my point?
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