Subject: People are Strange Time: 7:44 pm. Mood: listless. Music: Kelly Rowland - Stole.

How small and unneccessary things such as sex, can help a person feel better. We needed each other, not only for the physical factor, but so much more. I'm not the kind of person who will just sleep with any random guy, in the past people have looked towards me like that, it's as if... I don't know, they take your personal fetishes and blow them up into a hundred different proportions. I'm not gonna burn my bra to prove my rights... because it'd do nothing, let people believe what they want to believe. Freedom of speech is one of the only benefits the modern world has brought us. It's strange, thinking back a week... I barely knew him, he was just a crazy guitarist who liked to exchange words with Shiri about his 'Urr Force ones'. *laughs* I'm still failing to "get" that joke. It started with an agreement... a small exchange of words, "How about you, pretend to be with someone... it'd get him off your back.". There began a week-long, bizarre relationship... *blinks* I said relationship. Strange days have found us, strange days have tracked us down. Thursday night, was something unlike I've ever experienced before... it was a seance, something to maybe put a spin onto the phenomena that is life. We had everything, casette recorder, candles, newspaper cuttings. Something was there, most definately. There was something there, he was there, sitting like a lost child at the opposite side of the room. His toes curling... the look of innocense on his face; looking into his eyes was strangely like staring him straight into his soul, I could see many things... how he was missing his daughter, how he was homesick... how he was trying to control himself. You don't get that a lot from any man; I made the first move and he went on to make the last, the rest of the night we just spent there, with the cryptic chants in the background holding each other. I needed that. I needed him. I needed that moment... Strange eyes fill strange rooms; voices will signal their tired end... the hostess is grinning, her guests sleep from sinning. Friday we headed to Derby, on my wishes... *laughs* but Bri, fantastic for actually dragging yourself along, visiting the old jail was amazing, once in the condemned cell, Maddox started to stare deep into one corner of the room... thought nothing of it until the curator told us that, the place he was staring at... was the exact spot where a jailer had been seen. Call me crazy. Being aware of mortality, makes the supernatural seem even better. The tension was still there a little, if Maddox hadn't have been there... I would have gladly given my right leg to make love to him, right there. Which is scary, this whole thing is scaring the fuck out of me, I barely know him... yet I'm beginning to say 'relationship', I'm beginning to just... want to be with him, every minute of everyday. Which is why I slept on the sofa last night, I... didn't want to invade any more of his space, I'm not sure what this is... but going into anything, during or after a divorce is hard. I don't want him to think... that by sleeping seperate, I was somehow disregarding him, either. "Hear me talk of sin and you know this is it. I'll be back in Llanberis on Tuesday, if this project has the full go-ahead it'll be something special. Fuck critics... fuck Hollywood, Independant production... more hope for those who aspire to be actors. Yet last week, the need to be there seemed more coherant. Clea; is back... *nods slightly* She told me some things, explained why she left... deep down, I knew how she felt; I was going through a bizarre phase, in which drinking completed me and the thrill of being wanted made me complete. I felt a lot for her; blaming herself for not speaking up, isn't the way to go... the both of us knew how she felt, I played oblivious... I lost her. Something she said to me last night, hit a nerve. Don't you have a place to call home. I... don't think I do, acting is my life... the stage is my home. Strange days have found us; and through their strange hours, we linger alone. Why the fuck do I make more sense inside my head than down on paper? Bodies confused, memories misused; as we run from the day, to a strange night of stone. Again, Brian... thankyou.

7 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: Just for a Second... Time: 10:02 am. Mood: weird. Music: Kelly Rowland - Simply Deep.

Explain that... time, can move backwards and forwards, now to then and back again and... you can't control it? In the physical sense, it's 10am... two days after the, what could be now known as 'infamous' confrontation with Billy occured. Yesterday I just had no words inside me to describe what I was feeling. I thank god; I thank Brian... for not leaving me alone. I'd never forgive myself if within my moment of carelessness something happened to Maddox. I've never felt this way before; I've never wanted to feel as if I need someone to be with me, for comfort; moral support... even sex. I've always known life is a series of moments, just never stopped to realise the contrast of each different second... each different minute; day... week. So much can change; last week I was here, alone with Maddox praying for the right fucking television show to come on. Now, I sit on the rocking chair... in the corner of my room, watching a man I barely know; sleep soundly in my bed. Someone, I feel no love with; and I'm sure he in turn feels nothing deep for me... but the lust is stronger than ever, though I can't speak for him. It's strange how sex can take away feelings, there's nothing I'd like better than to just fucking... *laughs* gonna spare you kids on the details, there. Late last night, I had to check on Maddox... when I got back, he was just laying there... sleeping sound. Bruises covering every inch of his body... but his soul; through even sleep I could tell was as strong as ever. Maybe this is why the planet think I'm the "recluse" actress... I can't be the only one who feels these urges. If I am, then the world is full of liars. If I could change one thing about the past year... I wouldn't; wouldn't touch it for the world. ( Brians Survey Thing ) You better fill that fuck out for me, too. *winks*

42 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: Like Sands through the Hourglass. Time: 8:15 am. Mood: awake. Music: Destiny's Child - Emotions.

I'm never going to be able to be one of those people who update constantly, as much as I'd love to... there's kind of a barrier that shoots up as soon as I try to write things down; my entries usually seem a lot milder than what they were inside my head. So, where to begin, huh? The shooting tor TRII, has eventually met it's demise, which in a way I'm thankful for... I've got to fly back to London, and spend quality time with Maddox. As much as the Jet Lag had effected me. That feeling... you know the one where you're tired as fuck; but closing your eyes makes you unable to actually sleep? Then in those few small moments between sleep, a fuck load of things begin to shoot through your mind, things that are irrelavent while awake. You ever wonder if this will happen before you die, I mean; not in the physical sense... but once your mortal life has ended; you think our souls will be caught between the two final states? I don't get why or how people consider me to be fucked up if I mention death, we all know it's coming... I just happen to be aware of my mortality. I'm not afraid of it; now people can usually say that, but whether or not in your heart you truly beleive it; is another story altogether. I was speaking to Ash for a long time, yesterday morning. It was more than I've spoke to anyone since Facinelli went on vacation; last Friday. The conversation, well it was split into several different topics; her 'N Sync' dancing being irrelivent *laughs and nods* Have to agree, it was pretty 'out of sync'. She attempted to fool me, succeeded; I might add... but; that one small prank could never beat the one's I've done on her. *grins* I was reading Jonny's update, when conversing with her... and *cracks up* Did you see the shit that cunt Fred Durst is writing about me? I'm the "woman of his dreams", I don't know about anyone else who hears that... but that scares me fucking witless, all the power to him for; "thinking" about me constantly, but AH SHIT MAN. *laughs* Is it wrong to make me want to throw up inside that stupid backwards cap, proceeding to put it on his head? *slaps thigh* Damn rules. Ash was poking fun at it, too. Which made me say something, that; I won't lie... has been on my mind, for a long-ass time. My "feelings" for Jonny. Not that there are any major "heart-skip-a-beat" feelings... but last December, when we started to talk again; it made me feel as if those three years with Billy-Bob were incoherant. I felt young again... innocent, again. It's not as if I'd want us to get back together, ever; but there's something about that one first love, we all have. Every man or woman you get after them, you constantly compare to "the first". Human nature? Can't say... but whatever the shit it is, it's very true, and we all know that deep down. What matters now, is Maddox... that's all, I know that; there's no room for someone else, I thought there was... but that view was tragically skewed. I live for my child, right now... my full feelings are focused towards him. But, just to have someone there; as a friend, even. Wales, a spectacular place... unlike any other I've yet to see. If you read my entries back in November, whilst we were shooting there, you'll notice how 'at peace' I was. Surrounded by tranquility, allowing the press to shoot, not being bombarded like in any other free-lance place. *smiles* Llanberis; the place with the beach, overlooking Anglesey... a small British film company approached me, for this. A small-scale movie; with Vanessa (Redgrave)... back there. Vanessa is one of the most amazing and influencial actresses of her generation. I remember shooting "Girl, Interrupted" *laughs* She was such a joy to work with off-screen too, she was there if you needed emotional support, or to be cheered up. This is an oppertunity I shouldn't surpass, although who knows what the future will bring... From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken: The crownless again shall be king.

20 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: When the past catches up, you can do nothing to stop the feelings. Time: 5:21 am. Mood: depressed. Music: Ainslie - Keep me a Secret.

Jonny has arrived around here; it's bizarre those first few moments when you see someone from your past... the feeling of what you had both lost and gained from that certain amount of time you'd spent together. When I think back a fucking month ago. *shakes head* ...December, a whole lunar cycle forgone; tepus fugit, time flies. *cracks knuckles and lets down hair* ...and it does, we all can see that. But as short as the time apart has seemed to be; I've forgotten why we both cut all contact from each other off. There could have been something there... I mean, there's always been something there, I've never had a doubt in my mind. Even after the divorce, they say your first love leaves marks on your heart, body, mind and soul. I've been disregarding that fact. I've acted stubborn, selfish and god knows what else, to almost everyone I've loved, on both an emotional level; and a sexual level. It could be a curse, or a blessing; not sure I'll ever find out. The moment he spoke to me, today... I instantly filled myself with rage; so many feelings just flying around in my head, I couldn't control them. I had no right to just, begin to tell him not to speak to me, to "stay away". Dwelling on the past. The one thing I've lived my life, day by day gradually learning not to do it. It should be looked upon as a new start; a friendship... maybe kinship considering how well, we both know each other. Knowing each other so much, that even after a good three years of being apart... we still know what ideas are circling inside the both of our minds. My father always used to look down at me, for that; I married someone I knew... my heart was with; though the relationship was only for the both of us, noone else could share that bond we had. I know I'll never be able to have that again. Who knows if it was true "fairy tale" love; if Lust is all it was... then; that word shouldn't ever be used so loosely. Do you wanna come inside my house, Do you wanna show me things I've never seen before. I don't wanna tie you down, I just wanna tie you up. Do you wanna come inside my house? Things are different, now. I have space in my heart for Maddox, above all people... but it can be shared. Not neccesarily with Jonny; Billy... if a new love ever came around; and beleive me, I've had so much time to think about this... I do know, that the limit of love one person can have for another; or even more than one thing. I'd never thought about it, until it had clicked during the second space of time I'd been away from him. Noone knows what tomorrow may bring, on the positive side or the negative. *looks over at Maddox* ...a couple of days ago; Facinelli, not that I blame him... but; I had no appreciation of his theory. When I was younger, a admit my heart didn't matter; I had more than enough encounters with sex and violence to last any human a lifetime. I'm human. What was it you'd spoke of? "All those men...". 3 I've loved, the others were just part of growing up; and there weren't many if you compare numbers to that of a lot of, even fucking 16 year olds, now. Whatever, though... you're entitled to your own opinion... both you and Ash, I'll leave your mistakes to you, and won't attempt to be a friend... Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood, For nothing now can ever come to any good. W. H. Auden

3 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: God gave men brains bigger than dogs; so they wouldn't hump womens legs at cocktail parties. Time: 2:03 pm. Mood: curious. Music: Nicole Kidman & Ewan McGregor - Come What May.

*laughs* I'm feeling that quote more and more as the days go on. Fuck was my last entry depressing; I'd promise you this would be a cheerful update; but... I never make promises. Go with the flow... BAM. Or something. So; where to begin this? Shark Slayer has a release date. *grins* November of this year; for those of you who have no idea what I talk about in a lot of my entries... it's an animated flick; written by Michael Wilson. I'd never tried or attempted to do a voice over before, but being a closet-Disney fan *coughs, laughs a little* Well... I had to. Renée Zellweger, Will Smith... Martin Scorsese? You'd be a fucker to miss it. *winks* It seems such a long time away; but every year seems to fly by faster. Chicago; I really should see that... it's had amazing reviews; many thought the "musical" genre died out after Grease... along came Evita, then Moulin Rouge; and now that. Not to mention Catherine Zeta-Jones. *arches eyebrow, smirks* I should have taken place of Queen Latifah... *laughs* but, you can't have everything; she's a fuckin' amazing talent, so all the power to her. My eye is still fuckin' twitching... I'm sure that useless piece of information has been worn down to the ground overnight; so we'll move on; shall we? Ashley headed out to Hong Kong on Monday; which is her choice. *nods* Facinelli going along with her, also her own choice... as much as I hate to think about that sexist pig; *blows a kiss*; using her like that. I can't do anything to warn her, without the facts of me being "jealous" surfacing at least once. In the past, what; three days? I've been alleged to have tried to "hit on" his "woman" several times. *laughs* How do people get away with saying "my woman"? It's incoherant as well as damn right fucked. Facinelli and I; do get along a lot of the time... I wouldn't call the fights we have anything to do with 'ego'; pride probably has something to do with it. When we filmed Foxfire; we were inseperable, every minute that I wasn't; or he wasn't... on set? We'd be together pissing around with mind-blowing pranks and genuine insult to others for our own amusment. Then something just went crazy *clicks fingers* ...and barely a day goes by; that we see one another, we don't have some kind of argument. We played strip poker Go Fish a couple of days back. *laughs* Man was that different; I happened to win; which followed onto a follow up match last night. Apparently I'm a sore loser. *grins* I don't think I am; I just like a challenge. *crosses 'Let me win' phrase from mind* Go Fish! Is a challenge; which, by the way Evan you promised you'd play. *nods and laughs* Alright, just reminding. Speaking of Evan; and Ashley... makes me think how lucky I am to have found a lot of these people. Some; I'd like to know better, a lot I only know one-side of them. Others; I feel like I've become more than close to. *laughs* The hell, I've even took Evan in as my little brother; Ashley is like the sensible rock; that I should a lot of the time be... even when she is mackin' with Facinelli. *shudders* Sends shivers up my spine. *points* a small Queen reference, there. Katie; is just herself... still growing, but growing a little every day; it's good to see her happy finally. *licks her*. Avril; my little Av. *laughs* Fuck, I think you're wiser than me too, and I have 9 years on you. *winks*. Of course there's Noni and Britt; Eliza... Matt. Sometimes I feel the need of having a full conversation to get to know a person, and not just speak sporadic, retarded shit in a chat room day in; day out. As for that, as I am... there's times I stop and know I should step back and act my age. *stops* Holy fuck... I'm turning into my father. God help. *laughs* Whatever, you kids mean a lot just being here. I suppose I should make an effort to speak to others through IM; other than the forgone, but those conversations that end up being "So how are you?", "Fine... you?", "Alright". It's like a tunnel with no end, a bottomless pit; a never-ending... story? *holds ribs, blinks* You know I've never been naked on camera. *coughs violently* That can be the standing point of this entry; I'll end it with a little big white lie; Besides... I need to tend to my son, not to mention a drink of ice cold pepsi. *licks lips*

35 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: Stuttering Rifles Time: 2:56 am. Mood: indifferent.

I originally wrote this entry from the heart... from the gut; the feelings, the words... just all poured out; will they make any sense this time around? *shakes head, blows bubble* . Yesterday; so many things occured it's hard even now to comprehend every little detail. Whether it was putting myself into a position where I thought I was helping; letting my feelings get on top of me... or insinuating things about Facinelli, which I know isn't true. I'd say I'm a fuckup; but that's been used more than enough times in the past few days... if I say it; I'd have to kill myself. Before Avril ended the conversation last night; she'd said something about me questioning the love, they both... fuck, the whole community knows, they have for one-another. I could apologise, but that'd make it so I was "guilty" for becoming, as Katie put it so well; the "middle-man". As long as the both of us were arguing in comments, earlier; I still have yet to put my finger on how, trying to help the two of them through whatever was going on... is bad? It's been pointed out that it is... the reasoning, has never been there. Like I said, not gonna hold grudges, not gonna apologise... I stood up for Evan; who was in tears practically. Av wasn't the only one hurting... I don't know why either were upset; but they were... and leaving them, just isn't in my nature. Whatever though... people can think what they want, I'm beyond the point of caring. Telling that someone, your feelings for them... is one of the hardet things in the world; especially when you know there's no chance of it ever becoming more than a kinship. She's in love with her first love; and speaking from experience I can understand. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I could have, stood next to you... telling you how happy I was for you and Johnny. How thrilled, I was... for my best friend getting something she's wanted for such a long time. What you said to me in those comments, was more than right. I did keep pushing, and I felt the hate grow; you know I didn't mean the things I said about you... *laughs a little* you're my Noni! Peter; you don't have things against overweight people... you were right about me arguing to the point of no return, too. But; you called me a hypocrite, since when has honesty forced that title upon anyone? Look in the mirror. This is such a fuckin' emo post... as if it's Kurt Cobain's suicide letter only with actual heartache. You know those days where nothing you do or say holds any meaning or sense at all? *nods* Billy; has actually backed off with the proceedings a little. I'm yet to get the 'follow-up' call from his attourney; Maddox is... recovering. At one point they thought he may have picked up Scarlett Fever; luckily... it was a false alarm. Luckily? Thank FUCK it was... if he wasn't here; if my career wasn't here... I don't think I would. Looking on the bright side of things, there... in a manner of speaking. Maybe taking time away is a good idea... or; it could just mean the space would become further apart. For whom do the bells toll, When sentenced to die The stuttering rifles Will stifle the cry; The monstrous anger, The fear's rapid rattle, A desert inferno; Kids dying like cattle. Don't tell me we're not prepared I've seen today's marine; She’s eighteen and She's eager She can be quite mean No mockeries for them No prayers or bells The demented choirs, The wailing of shells; The boys holding candles On un-traveled roads The fear spreads like fire; As shrapnel explodes I think it's wrong... To conscript our youth against their will, When plenty of our citizenry Really like to kill What sign posts will lead To Armageddon’s fires; What bugles will call them from crowded gray shires... The women sit quiet, with death on their minds. A slow dusk descending The drawing of blinds Make the hunters all line up It's their idea of fun And let those be forgiven Who never owned a gun Was it her or me Or the wailing of the dead The laughing soldiers Cast their lots And you can cut the dread.

9 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: Alfie. Time: 1:36 pm. Mood: sick. Music: Susanna Hoffs - Alfie.

I have the weirdest feeling right in the pit of my stomach, shooting the lone way up through my chest... and to my head. As if any moment I'll either collapse, or throw up... bad details, but it's the truth. Maybe I've picked up something, ah; the fuck with it... that's all unimportant. I'm on the verge of another action sequence, this afternoon... sitting in this god damn makeup room, surrounded by people talking about the most retarded of things, gossip about... how much weight Reene Zellweger has lost, or some shit. I've even heard them conversing about why I; barely speak to them. It's not because I don't want to... I'd talk with them, if I'd think doing that would relax me a little. It's not common knowledge, but I do get nervous before I head out to the cameras... once there, everything falls into place; but it's the moments like these; leading up to it... I like to be alone; jotting down my thoughts... the past days events, even just thinking about Maddox. I miss Cambodia... I do. *picks up anti-depressants, puts them back down; holding her head* ...after Facinelli just began saying things the other day; it got me thinking more than I ever have. He was so fuckin' wrong with every little statement... I just couldn't help have a small, miniscular thought about others thinking the same. If they do, fuck them. As much as I don't let others influence what I do with my life... there's always a little thought caught with everyone. I can't say I don't care what others think; because we all do in one way or another, that's what makes us human. Last night, after coming back to the hotel, there was a David Attinborogh documentary on... about life on the tree tops. That guy goes to so many amazing places, I'm lucky to have travelled, where I have... but; if my acting career, ever did end early; I'd choose to take Maddox and just... jet off to the Amazon. Maybe go dinosaur hunting in the Grand Canyon; or in the Devils Canyon. Climb the Rocky mountains, search the Jersey woodland, for a hopeful sight of the Jersey Devil... this world is full of so many amazing things... people who live their lives confined to a house, with a family and a dog; named Barney, are not living at all. Life is for taking risks... seeing sights; we only have this one chance. Someday we, or it.. will be gone. ...and with that, I'm being called back on-set; still feeling as ill as I was before, but feeling a little more releived. Hmm... this Life or Something Like It review, I found to be amusing... *raises brow* I wonder why. *grins* It's not a movie they will rate as great because there isn't nude scenes or bad words. It's just a really cute movie with some very good stars in it. We liked it well enough to buy the DVD. Believe me there are not very many out there worth buying. Monsters Ball I would't take if they gave it to me. I've since learnt to ignore ratings as one's not rated very high are usually much better as this movie is. The plot might not have been the greatest but Jolie and other stars make it seem like a possible real life plot. Again we really enjoyed this movie.

4 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: Life moves on. Time: 1:05 am. Mood: lazy. Music: Evan being all parental... amusing..

First principles. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does he do, this man you seek? First principles of life; we know our life here is limited... and yet we choose to mourn death. Noone knows whether or not it is the end, when our bodies reach their earthly climax; the Psalms say that God created our souls within his own image; "Jesus" rose again, as we will. All within Christian mythology. No preist could ever say that they know for a fact god and eternal life exsist. When the casket goes into the furnace; are we not just erasing the memory of someone, to make room for growth and others. I seek the truth; I seek reassurance, in any way. All I hear within my mind; is my own mother crying out for hers; not having the ability to cry, in order to be strong for her. My father... *shakes head* flew Maddox and I to the States for the day... we fly back to Hong Kong tomorrow. The funeral, though... a certain song was played. Amazing, inspiring... touching; I listened to the words, instead of singing, I broke down in tears. I feel fuckin' stupid for it... for crying; even though I knew she now was happy. Even if there is no "heaven". Wherever we go; she and my grandfather will be together. There were people there; I didn't know... my fathers friends, fathers relatives. I hate him so much, thata I love him. Whether that makes sense or not. The feeling of him, holding me whilst I was crying; staying by my side when everything was over... he's done so much. It's sad that it has to take a death; to bring people willingly together. I have no plans to call on you. The world's more interesting with you in it. So you take care now to extend me the same courtesy. Children are so mislead. Maddox, had no idea what was going on around him... what makes our parents decide to explain to us that; one day we won't be here? I've already constantly told Maddox; how I'll never leave him. It's just something that all parents say, some switch flicks in your mind... we're misguiding our own flesh and blood. Whether or not we're still with them in spirit... we won't always be with them in body. How will they cope with that? How... is my mother coping with that... how does anyone; cope... with... that. Then something woke you, didn't it? Was it a dream? What was it? Suffering from jetlag, insomnia and greif. That's what woke me... you know; fuck this. I hate having to go all out into thinking about myself to overcome the power of the "big white box"... it seems to get bigger with every update. It's sounding cliché... I know for certain that I'm self-involved; we all are... but along with the update box; comes the thoughts of how selfish we infact are to talk about ourslves, paragraph upon paragraph... so; I'll change the pattern of this entry, write about... *thinks* the groom-to-be; Ev. What he and Avril have, though they're young... I beleive, is true love;they beleive it's true love... it gives hope throughout the dark times. Fuck Billy, fuck Jonny... Maddox, is all I ever want or need right now. I can't say I haven't experienced love... because every ounce of, friendship or relationships I've had... every ounce of lust has been driven by love... or the possibility to find love. All the best to those two, just stick together throughout even the hardest times, I'd say marriage is an easy ride... but it's not. *coughs* You're still letting me be Usher, right? I want a speech or something, too. *winks*alright, everyone in the front row be careful. Mmhm, you be careful too, Taubenfeld.

2 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: I'm Getting Older, too. Time: 3:54 am. Mood: complacent. Music: Avril Lavigne - Two Rivers.

"He's always with me, like a bad habit..." It's strange how, whatever happens; certain people or thoughts can stick with you until yourlife on earth has ended. No matter what's been said, no matter what events have taken place. Even if we do break up for ever, I'll still have had that one friendship in my life, that has changed my way of thinking; as much as to change myself. The things he said earlier, hurt me more than any bullet or knife could. So do the current allegations; but I can't do anything that'll influence the inevitable other than telling god's honest truth, and yeah... I said god. *shakes head* Men always have to be fucking right. Which moves me onto another thing... Billy-Bob, I see you all shuddering when you hear that jack-ass hick name. *laughs a little and shakes her head again* His attourney "Backlund" calls me whilst I was on set, Saturday night. You know how people tend to make a general conversation before having to break to you some bad news? Well, we talked about the weather for a good ten minutes, I say we; he talked about the weather, and I sat making a daisy chain with the speakerphone on. *grins* Apparently; Billy wants 60% of what I make on "The Cradle of Life"; which is pretty fucked up if you ask anyone. I signed both Tomb Raider contracts, without being in his prescence... I earned myself the roles, so what is it that makes him think he deserves the money? *looks over at the coffee stained magazine with him on, laughs* ...cheaters never prosper; and fuckers will never learn. Would you ever say, "Stop! If you loved me you'd stop!" ...he said those words to me; when I was going through an amazingly rough time, I stopped... I loved him; he threw it back in my face. I just don't fucking get it, men; women; all relationships can influence your world so much, that when they end; it can almost destroy you. Live life to the full. No regrets. I beleive those philosophies... but there are moments when I just stop in my tracks and think of all the things, that could have been... if; I didn't marry Jonny... if I'd been with Jenny; if I'd never have worked with Billy... If I'd never have met Peter. What would have happened, if I'd have looked differently; if I'd have looked like Melvin, when I met Peter... would we have ever had a friendship to control? So many questions, no answers for any of it. I know that. I can never just continue on without thinking about it even the slightest amount. Set-up's... I never really go along with; but, the guy seems more than genuine, the funny thing was; watching him tremble before getting the "I like you" out of his system, guys struggle with that more than us, women... I was the one who ended up asking him to take me out to dinner. *laughs* He was pretty happy about that, and so it's settled; he's coming to the TRII premiere... following that, instead of a 'celeb bash' with a nice dinner, apparently. Dinner for three; everywhere I go; Maddox goes. *grins* Would they give you a medal? Would you have it professionally framed and hang it on your wall to remind you of your courage and incorruptibility? All you would need for that is a mirror." I've made a mockery of a lot of things over the past lifetime. This... takes the sugar coating from the cake. Things change. I just can't seem to let go.

2 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: AIM sucks balls in hell... Time: 12:05 am. Mood: crappy. Music: TLC - Unpretty.

*raises eyebrow* Something like that, but since; it's not signing me on and Maddox is sleeping like a log... I guess I should take time to update, this. I should avoid the neglecting of the journal for many reasons... writing things down; it just helps get anything and everything out. Sometimes, it holds more meaning to those who glance over it. In reality, you could say a word; and it would be interpreted as maybe something that you didn't mean. Conversation is; a lot of the time; referred to as a key to fix things... a way out. Things have changed, since then. Before I forget... I know most of you, I've acted like a "proud mother" around and showed the latest photographs of Maddox and I, there's never enough room to show them, though. *grins* ( Maddox ) I used to tend to think; I'd never have children, that I'd grow old alone... but, now I realise being a mother is as much as any woman could ask for. *throws the latest edition of vogue* Like the fuck knows what he's talking about. *laughs and shakes head* So, he poses with two women... for jealousy?? Noone knows what goes on inside Thorntons fucked up mind, other than himself. *flips him off* It's not gonna work, pal. I tried explaining to some guy, who asked me why I didn't like Shirley, earlier... about how; as nice a person can be; they're never gonna be liked by everyone. Sure, she claims to be "herself" and "different"; but when you look at it... it's all one huge pile of bullshit. I've seen her try to "fit in"; that's not independant; Shirley, doll... you wanna be liked; don't front. "Hi!". Think about it... who knows if we'd get on well, or what; I just truly like to work for myself; if someone doesn't like me; they don't like me, nothing I can do about it, move on. As I understand she said something about Avril; I wasn't being "cliquey" or anything, although most were... but Shirley tried to move on with that as if the fuck didn't happen; when it did. Original; Archaic. The source from which something arises; an originator; a first. My last entry, was a downer. Since that night; I've spent so many minutes thinking over everything he said to me; why couldn't I give up instead of defending myself even on things, I was guilty of? Sure, it comes within my nature... as much as I can act; un-touched by these arguments, they hurt my heart... yeah I have one. *laughs* Throughout every disagreement, we have had; I beleive... at least, that we've came through as stronger people; just as you do with life. Life in itself is built with learning from mistakes; love and friendship are built the exact same way, as much as I hate the fights; I doubt we'd ever be as close as now... if there had been none... learn something new every day, huh? I wrote a little something. For Him; you know who you are. I could have never dreamt of finding someone in this bizarre world; that could laugh at my retardedness... tell me straight when I'm pissing them off, and most of all care for others as much as themselves. I'd have never thought it possible. I thought I had friends; I thought I'd had good friends before you... but that is so untrue, it makes me want to, I dunno... go back and throw a brick at myself? Fate, I beleive in... and the two of us, in my opinion are down to fate. Accept this instead of an apology for all those times I put you down, unknowningly... I never meant to hurt you. *looks up, looks back down* I think that's enough of me being sympathetic; may ruin my "image". *laughs* Damn, I won't start on image. I caught "The Exorcist" trilogy on television, when I couldn't sleep on Wednesday night. *rolls eyes* How intelligent... Anywho; Yes, that movie... is so; AMAZING. Completely amazing... from the concept of the novel, to the adaptation of the screenplay, and inner messages; It all comes together; letting no boundaries get in the way of it. My mother called me, earlier... crying. Don't you find, hearing your parent cry... makes your heart skip a beat, and automatically worry? I couldn't imagine what it'd be like to lose her; as she lost hers. When talking, all she could tell me was about how, she kept "seeing" my gran... seeing her slipping away; every minute, of every day, since it occured. It made me; begin to fill up with tears, thinking about her... thinking about my mother, my rock, losing her "rock". My grandmother never smiled; but they'd found an old photograph of her smiling, whilst looking to my brother, James. I can't imagine how; thrilled he'd feel about that, if he knew. I was always my grandfathers "second daughter"... he, in turn was always my grandmothers "second son". I should call him... *sighs, hums along to the music a little more*... my mother made me pass Maddox the phone, a little after she'd cheered up... I've no clue what she said to him; but he smiled. Something else popped; inside my head... I realised; I'm Maddox's mother... I have responsibilities those before me have had, to me. I ramble... way too much. Not like anyone reads, anyway.

4 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: New Year 'Revolutions' Time: 4:40 am. Mood: aggravated.

Just why do you have tattoos, Angelina? A question I could tell that fuck was just burning to ask for so damn long; I had to reply honestly; without using any of the "forbidden" language. So; I simply revisited it as "Why are you wearing polkadot socks!?". He laughed... and I was serious? *shakes head* Some people just can never get a real grip on life or reality... everything that happens in their small little world, counts as "the right thing". Maybe somewhere in their narrow little minds, the simple act of love will be put across as a bad thing, it can ruin a persons whole beleif system, and whilst on track can ruin someone's life, but... after all of that, every one of us craves for it, am I right? Don't you love those who judge? Whether it be Hypocritical, a bad excuse for a friend or something else. I can see the things I do or say may prove to be just a little offensive, but not intentionally. I say what I think, and never think before I speak. Just today; I was aptly called a hypocrite by a very close friend of mine. At least; the supposed friendship is there, which I like more than anything; besides Maddox. Just sometimes, the weight pummels down, and I tend to see myself feeling guilty for things I have done, to retaliate claims that certain person has put against me, in the first place. That isn't how I've lived nor, wanted to live my life; fuck knows why or how I'm beginning, now. This conversation, argument whichever you'd like to call it, has been going on for the past hour, if not longer. Everything he says is in contradiction; and yet I; am the dishonest hypocrite. He can call me selfish, when I call him dishonest and jealous, he turns the words right back around at me. I brought up, shit that never crosses my mind, things like looks having the ability to matter, which if everyone is truly honest with themselves, they'd agree to. I really can't say a lot more on this subject, because every line I write, another statement comes towards myself. Wow, and now I'm a critically acclaimed Racist. Fuckin' sociopath... Whatever the hell any peoples suggestions to what I am, are. What matters is your own self-worth, right? i don't have "issues" with fat people. fuck me? fuck yourself, or one of your other friends. you've insulted people just as much as me, for them being fat or because they were pricks. and i KNOW who got it going, i remember seeing it in my old journal, ang could have given a shit, and you openly said you were jealous of naty once. so if you want to CHANGE your mind on that, like EVERYTHING, please do. i'm used to it. at least i say what i mean, and mean what i say. always have" " ...sure you do, and THAT ladies and gentlemen is why you are dishonest. You're the one pretending to be a saint in all of this. I went along with you with the "fat" thing, maybe I thought your ways were cool, I began to question them a long time ago, that first time I left Yahoo chat because of that one comment to that lady I'll NEVER forget. 'Fatties" as you so aptly put it; are normal people." Onto, more random Jolie thoughts; The past couple of months, I've travelled, from Wales to Kenya; to England, to Hong Kong; rubbing the entire 'fame' feeling into my face. Yet it still feels as though, to world is coming more to terms with this life; rather than us changing to fit societies wants and needs. No Golden Globe nomination? *shrugs* I have time with Maddox to look forward to, Tabloids can kiss my ass; and lastly... July 25th, is the official United States premiere release date for 'The Cradle of Life'. You all, are desperate to go see it. Don't deny. Aight, I'm out like Billy-Bob in a game of pin the tail on the jack-ass.

2 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: I figured I was mature. Time: 1:48 pm. Mood: aggravated. Music: Stevie Nicks - Landslide.

I proved, last night... that I'm further from that, than my 60th birthday. What the fuck was I thinking; I have Maddox. What would an attempt to end everything, accomplish? Nothing, that's what. *throws a CD case* the FUCK. I don't deserve do have him for a child, he's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and because I let the past get in the way of the present; I almost changed the future. I could lie, say I'm over worked; but I'm not. I've recovered from the Jet Lag; I have a small bruise on my rib, I mean so what!? That all means shit... it's what's inside your head that influences your actions. The shoot, is going well... as well as it can. So far there's been no "hitches" what-so-ever, I have no right or authority to complain, I'm not the only one involved in this movie, I realise; and have always known that. The judgement... that's passed, just doesn't bode well with me. Instead of rushing; I should have thought about it all, much sooner. I did something wrong, jeapordised the longest running friendship, I've ever had; for what... my work? I... don't know, I had no right not to acknowledge him anymore, but he also had no right of telling me, I thought about nothing but myself. Maybe he's right, but that'd be the pot calling the kettle, black. There's not one person who doesn't put themselves first at least once. Look at the facts, he complained of my not being there. Note the word "complained". It wasn't satisfactory to him. A simple contradiction of terms. *shakes head* I most definately should have thought about it, more. I pity Evan for having to constantly tell me pills are bad; that they're not the way out. I knew that, I still know that... but, *holds head* I just... find it hard, a lot of the time; to control what I'm doing. *looks down at the bandage on her waist, laughs a little* I guess this at least gets me a day to spend with Maddox, huh. I can never make my feelings up to him. If he knew, he'd be dissappointed in me, too. I'm not gonna keep anything from him. Ever.

8 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: Keep me out of your dreams. Time: 3:17 pm. Mood: annoyed. Music: Mavin Gaye + Tami Tarelle - Ain't No Mountain High Enough.

It goes to show how, just when you think you have; for once; everything in your life figured... it turns around and bites you back, straight and hard in the ass. I was longing for this next week alone with Maddox; I was praying... that in some ways, it could never end. Nothing thrills me more than being with him... you just can never have too much of a good thing, whether it's "Gods great plan" or something the complete opposite. I'm not an athiest, there is something there... but a lot of the time, the feeling can be contradicted; the best way to look at it is to have an open mind, I guess. *holds head, looks up* So, what is all this about? I just know you're dying for me to answer that question; well... Lloyd, called me; around an hour ago. I didn't answer it, I had the machine on; and as soon as I heard his voice; I knew something was gonna come up... racing to the phone, I picked it up, asked him how he was and all that shitload waste of time. "Angie, *inserts nervous laugh from the fat fuck*; there's been a change of plan... we... start shooting in HK on Monday... HAVEFUNBYE". *shakes head* I didn't even get a chance to argue about it, or even mantion a word. He must know me too well by now. *grins* I suppose the quicker I get it all done, the more time I'll have with Maddox before the Audio for "Sharkslayer" is needed. FACINELLI! *laughs* Facinelli called me a couple of days ago; and we were just talking about old times; about a lotta shit; and then in comes this voice... a private line; this weird fuck interrupted and started to talk, about... god, so, in effergy we had a little fun, and played "Chattenugan preachers"; he was convinced we were work of Satan, himself... but it was funny all the same. I was talking to Ash for an amazing length of time this morning. I told her my infamous 'Cake' joke, and she cracked up; only to respond with some duck joke, Ash, I love you... but get some new material, hon. She talks psycho at 3am; I looked as sane as Roger Moore next to her, then. She is a really genuine person; and even running on no sleep and tons of caffeine, she can hold up a great session of thought. Maddox, I'm sure will adore her. Christina; I love Christina. *nods and looks at her* mmhm; she's so wise and mature for her age; it's refreshing to talk to her for so long, about the smallest or largest of things; love, press, Bratty commercial kids. *laughs* The conversation on the journalists got me thinking about; the whole Angie/Brother "relationship". Sure, to James and I, it was funny... then. I was a wreck at 17; a decade ago, I couldn't handle even looking at myself; let alone be rideculed for something as small as giving my own brother a kiss. I live to think what nourishes me, also destroys me; love for instance... but; it can also work in the opposite way... what hurts you, can influence you to become a stronger person; to fulfill your being here.

2 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: "Love in a moshpit". Time: 9:53 am. Mood: blank. Music: Christina Aguilera - Cruz.

...I'm sure that's a song; either that or I just completely imagined it. Whichever way, it sounds fucked. I'm beginning to think I need a new layout; I like this one... but, I dunno... something about it that doesn't seem so clear; and it looks so fuckin' emo. *laughs*. Anywho, what's goin' on in the life of Angelina? A question on more than a few journalist lips. I'd like to lure myself into thinking smartass replies; but speaking straight from the truth... put it this way; there's more things goin' on in George Bush's bedroom... *raises brow and nods* my point exactly. My mom is travelling back to the States at the weekend; James has some project he has to put himself into; so for the next week, I get to spend my full time with Maddox. I should lock myself away; that, or... take him some place special. There's a lot of desolate places around... James, discovered some old World War bunker around a mile from here; stepping into it... he said; it was like the history coming back to haunt; the cries of anger, the childrens playful laughter. I'm not 'crazy' for wanting to have experienced that; I'd hate to see a war, but to be part of something already past, is an inspiring feeling. *looks to diary* Hong Kong, January 26th; twenty days... and I'll be concealed into the Croft "routine", again. Hopefully; this will be the last part of the shooting; and I swear... if those fucks make me wear a bikini again; I will seriously take Floid; and do something that Jan will regret makin' me wear one for... *looks up, coughs, looks back over towards Maddox* ; I hope he knows I don't leave him for such a long time, meaningfully. Eery waking moment is cornered towards him; After the last experience with the nurse... then the second with Clea, the question of trust comes to mind. I couldn't just hand Maddox to another stranger and wait for fate, to take place, Clea... I trusted Clea; with my heart, I trusted her so much it hurt, and somehow... FUCK knows why, she betrayed that; I won't hold grudges, her reason may have been unavoidable, Something will have to be fixed before these two weeks are out. I need to know the carelessness, won't ever occur, again. I need to know; that my son will be safe. *shrugs, shakes head* Any ideas? Until next time; - Angie

1 Good Deed That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: *yawns* Time: 10:01 am. Mood: annoyed. Music: David Sneddon - Stop living the Lie.

My entries are appearing to be more sporadic, but social skills, alarmingly are improving a little. Who knows where I'll be in a year... *laughs* cue memorabilia music. So; Mike and I, have had a small disagreement, in words; I let my 'ego' and attempts at humor get ahead of me, in insulting him... I should and could've just left fate take it's place after his 'psych-off' at me; but... I've never been the type of person to just let something go, maybe I should be... but why should I change for anyone, if I like the way I am? Confuses me royally. I've been spending a lot of time with Maddox and my mother over the past week; I used to hate family, but now... I'm beginning to realise that sometime in life, the only thing you need is your family. Jurassic Park 3 was on TV yesterday... *laughs a little* ..the moment I saw Laura, I laughed, call me crazy; I just couldn't beleive how stupid I was to have "loved" him; how stupid we both were to fall for that prick of a man. Why didn't I guess he'd do the same thing as he did to her, to me? He's been calling me asnd my press-officers, non-stop, apparently and inappropriatly stating that he wants 'me back'. I don't know... I mean, I do; still love him; but you can't just forget the intentions of the person who broke your heart, the strongest person couldn't have coped with that. You know what one of the messages he left me was? "Angie, please... Maddox needs a father...". No, he doesn't "need" a father; as long as a child has love; they can accomplish anything; which adds to me wanting to help the Kosovos even more so, than I try to already. People can't just "get over" a war; just like noone can "get over" a broken heart; everything in life links one way or another; the way to accomplish it, I have yet to figure, whether or not I will is another question in the story of my life... but one, I'm willing to find the answer to.

204 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: What. the. fuck. Time: 9:17 am. Mood: bitchy. Music: Malachi Cush - Vincent.

Alright, the wrestlers... I can deal with... the new actors, singers, rockstars... I can deal with; but what the fuck possesses someone to have a journal for a duck. Honestly. Those of you who know me, should know I'm barely ever "emo"; emotional or other things of the sort; I have no idea what's with me today, but I'm not safe to be around. I solemnly apologise to Ali, Eliza, Ashley and Shannon for going all psycho on that kid in the chat room, and then follow it up with a mope around as if my life was meaningless. We all have moments like them... they're often avoidable. *t akes a deep breath* Maddox, I think is coming down with a flu, or something... I barely got any sleep last night from having to wake up and make sure he's fine. Hazards of being a mother, don't get me wrong, I'd hurt myself if I let anything happen to him, again. He's sleeping now; as sound as a mouse... a little hazy breathing but, nothing a good hug can't fix. I'm glad I have a little time to spend with him, and only him until I have promotionals and the such, to do. There's nothing like having five, just five minutes alone with him... simply watching Television or something. Writing that little, calmed me a little... I think it's too late to apologise through AIM, seeing as everyone has left... and I have my emotional away message up. *laughs* What can ya do, eh?

2 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Subject: Schmells like Fish. Time: 5:56 pm. Mood: accomplished.

Holy shit, I haven't updated this thing in such a long-ass time. I'd lie and say I've been bsy, but I've been literally slacking off these past few weeks. After finishing the shooting in Kenya, for TRII, we spent Christmas here in London; my mother and James flew over, my father; as usual... was working of some shit like that; I don't hold a grudge against him any longer, infact... I never truly have done. He could have been there for us when we were younger; but the pope could have also chosen sex over selibacy... everything happens for a reason, but if you want something you have to haul-ass and make that happen for yourself. By all means, he can act... he has the talent; but is a much better father. Anyway, moving on... I told you about the new decor, right? *nods and takes a drink* Well; on Christmas Eve, my mom was for some... fucked up reason wrapping up Maddox's Christmas presents, she must have wasted so much buying the gift wrap and tags; he's not even two years old yet; I say give him the presents, let him play... at his age, is when Christmas means something... when St. Nicholas is still a part of life and not of parental fantasy. Christmas Day, was pretty average... Sharon Osboune broadcasted an alternate Christmas speech at 3pm; on a neighbouring channel to the Queens; we watched the Osbourne one, of course... she speaks so truthful; the Queen just sits there reading a pre-written auto-cue... what's the use of being a ruler of a country... when you don't even have the ability of speaking freely. It's more than fuckin' retarded... down with world rulers, we need none of this... NOONE needs any of this, especially those poor Iranians, not all of them are Laden-henchmen. A lot... hell, MOST of them are ordinary people like you and I. I think Bush has one too many pretzels caught in his brain-flow. Honestly. I caught a little of 'A Wonderful Life' on the 26th; my mother was in tears; Maddox was on the floor playing with his new stuffed toys... I looked over to the computer area, in the corner of the room where Jamie was typing up some stage directions... it reminded me so much of home; of the old times... before then; I hadn't let people in on the fact that, Johnny and I were, seeing each other sporadically; but... things just let be... *shakes her head and pours some more orange juice* In other news, Lloyd and Jan received some news from Australia; they've set a release date for the premiere of 'The Cradle of Life'; middle of September 2003; it's a long time to wait; but with my upcoming projects; this year, I'm guessing will fly by faster than last... I just know, that it'll be a much happier one.

11 Good Deeds That Started Another Chain That I Wasn't Ready For.

Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

;__We all wonder how Things__;
This is the diary of Angelina Jolie. A lot of things in here, some people may and/or could find offensive, and frankly... I don't give a damn. Why do we have freedom of speech if everything has to be cornered off into a PG-13 rating. There's not a lot of things, I can tell people in this little biography, that they haven't already heard, from somewhere... screw the stereotypes, screw the fact I'm an actress... I just got extremely lucky with having the job I love... and quite frankly? I wouldn't change it for the world. So, yes... these are entries in my life... or something like it.

;__Come to Be__;
full name: Angelina Jolie
D.O.B.: 06/10/1975
height: 5'7"
hair color: Dark Brown
eye color: Blue/Green/Grey
residence: London, UK | Cambodia | Los Angeles, CA
birthplace: Los Angeles, CA
nationality: American
occupation: Actress
filmography: Cyborg 2. Hackers. Gia. Without Evidence. Mojave Moon. True Women. George Wallace. Hells Kitchen. Playing by Heart. Gone in 60 Seconds. Playing God. Pushing Tin. Girl, Interrupted. Foxfire. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Life or Something Like It. Original Sin. Beyond Borders. Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life. [Eee! It's Christmas and I have more of those!!! :-D]
hobbies: Charities. Donating Money. Acting. Looking after Maddox. Drawing. Writing.
likes: Fame Academy. Real Talent. Acting. Music. Fleetwood Mac. Queen. Aerosmith. Kiss. The Clash [:(]. Guitars. Acoustics. Yoga. Martial Arts. True Friendship. Having Fun. Adventures.
dislikes: Fake people. Stereotypes. Christmas.
description: Loud. Outspoken. Smart. Talented. True. Innovative. Original.
friends: Winona. Evan. Brittany. Matt. Eliza. Ashley. Sarah. Christina. Mandy. Shannon. Johnny. Kendal. Ali. Joel. Katie. Avril. Facinelli. Asia. Deryck. Britney. Chris.
email me: here
im me: click here

;_A Chain of Events_;
Listening to: Avril Lavigne
Eating: Toblerone
Drinking: OJ
Wearing: Grey tanktop, black tracksuit bottoms.
Hearing: Maddox sleeping
Chatting w/: Noni
Thinking: about tomorrow
Wanting: world peace?
Desktop: Silent Hill 2
PLUG: all about ghosts

;_A leads to B_;

chrissy_aggy: Hah, I'm sorry. I have a crashing hangover and it makes me lose any subtlety I had
evan_: did you know that if you say beer can with an english accent you get bacon in jamaican
incubus_mike: ::looks at you and laughs:: you're getting all sentimental and shit on me. this is bizzarre.
w_ryder: ANGELINA JOLIE, I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. HEAR. ANYTHING. MORE. ABOUT. YOUR. ZIPPLE, and specially DON'T want to see you licking it.
_maj :: SEXY SEXY SEXY ANGELINA THE PINK MOOSE