Friday, April 11th - 2003
Day 3 - Socializing through Soccer.
Dear diary, this is another day in the life; life is like a book. As much as I wanted to break into thorough monologue just there, I stopped myself. For the facts of, (a) Thinking about the past by any means, is a bad thing when you're trying to influence the future; (b) I really need food, which doesn't tie into that - but being I couldn't think of a statement for "B"; that will have to do for the period of the next three days. Fuck me, I'm becoming such a procrastinator, instead of talking too much, I sit with the notebook in front of me, an entire clean, white page; and I have no clue what to write, or how to write it. Third person, first person... a Wildebeests view point? Hm, the third isn't exactly an option, but come on people the humor should stay. People? What fucking people, I'll come home with three fucking other personalities, quite the trait. I suppose I should start with writing current events, and then go backwards in the day... I just got off the phone with Ryan not too long ago, something I never thought could happen, came up in the conversation - it appears Reese is expecting another of his children; I hadn't a clue what to say... what I happy? Sad... Mad? Nothing. There were just no culminated feelings at all, in one sense... I'm extremely happy for both he and Reese; but then there's the other part of me, the human; jealous and manipulating part that can't help thinking what would happen if he was so happy, things got boiling between the two again. I mean, yeah... it'd break my heart, it'd scar my soul; but seeing him happy is all I could ever wish for. There's something about a father with his child, like Billy; even if we don't see eye-to-eye, I'll still admit that he's an amazing father; when with his other children... something sparks, and I see the genuine love - as with all... Strange, when you feel so much; you can't think about what it is you're supposed to be feeling within a situation, of any kinds. If I'm crazy, then shoot me for having a heart. One month. I'm not one for material things, but I hope he'll appreciate the gift I have, even if we're close to foreclosure in the relationship.
Moving along, onto "happier" topics, I promise. Today, of all days... was one I know I'll never experience anything quite like it, again. After waking up to a brand new "alarm-call" Kingsley created; I rolled out of my tent, looking like a fucking zombie - y'know the one's from that Michael Jackson video? No lie, God's honest truth, I could barely walk, I practically limped with squinting eyes for the first half of breakfast, that immense feeling when you're as tired as a fucking dog, then the sunlight hits your eyes, imagine that... and times it by three-hundred. I'll never live it down, I swear... NOT ONLY, did that happen, but 'turns out, that the bushes I was changing in were filled with poisonous plants, hence my entire right arm covered in red blotches, rashes... and Christ only knows what else. I'll admit, I've never been a one hundred percent "out-door" person, but this is just taking the decorations from the cake of my now-shattered ego. Damn nature. DAMN YOU... Mmhm, crazy. Thought so. Breakfast, wasn't too bad; the actual food, anyway... nothing like fresh Bat-crap to wake a girl up in the morning, barring what it was, it did actually taste pretty, damn delicious. No McDonalds, but it'll do. Shortly after breakfast, I'd say it was about eleven, twelve; in the mid-morning. We set off back through the jungle, luckily we'd relinquished our bearings and got to the camp in a mere ten minutes. ( Attachment ) Just like yesterday the children swarmed towards us, but there was no sign of the little girl, my mind had aptly named 'Daisy'. ( I assure you all, that was no 'Girl, Interrupted' reference, but - the flower? Daisy? Mmh, Alright. ) As much attention as I was paying to every other child as we entered the boundaries; I couldn't help looking for her; those beautiful brown eyes that reminded me so ineptly of my own sons, perhaps I was searching for someone to link to Maddy; a physical presence to make my heart stop yearning for his safety, now... now I was yearning for hers. I must have asked Dem', a hundred times where she was - with no answer. Suddenly, there was the smallest tap on the inner-arch of my back... turning around I saw her, my Daisy; holding another out-stretched arm containing an entire flower chain. "Seems you have a little friend, Ang," I did, I do; she'll always be with me right here. We went into the deep afternoon, playing soccer. 'Girls against boys'; with me on the boys team... I've never kicked a soccer ball in near-gone twelve years, so I was obviously "picked last". That little guy, between me and Dem', see him fucking tackling me? He took me to the ground, on more than one occasion. Such the travesty. I've prided myself a lot on being "not too mature", but having put myself through this rendition of PAIN-filled "football"; I realize where and when it was I lost my childhood ability at finding fun in the smallest of things. Not demanding. Just happy.
Now I sit, alone, in a soggy tent... eating lima beans, shivering my prickled-ass off; and I've never felt more fulfilled from something so small, nor has my spine felt anymore broken, but that... will ease in time. I love you, Doodoo. Always will. Come hell, or high-water. I wish I had the words to say that...
Saturday, April 12th - 2003
Day 4 - Very Moving... "VERY MOVING", he says.
8am - Ah, Christ on crutches... I've been scratching all fucking morning, not only; has the rash spread to my back, but only onto my thighs, too. Rob, claiming to be trained in 'first-aid' and paramedics took a look at it early this morning "Mosquito bites". "Nettle Stings". I swear it's more than adolescent sex-craved men who beg for my body, even the fucking plants and insects are in on it. Man, you have no idea how much this hurts right now. I'd change, but they're de-bugging my tent... Oh yeah, really worth it now with only a couple of days left. Imbeciles. I decided to go all out and do things a little different today, note down things while they happen, just incase the Alzheimer’s comes sooner than expected. T-hah...
11am - Guess who took a wrong turn? We're at a river now, when I say river, I mean a small brook, all the same; I'm undoubtedly glad we came this way, the scenery gives me a lot to think and ponder about, until the guys find the compass. The sound of the water, the escaped sun hitting it and bouncing back up to illuminate the bright green wilderness. If only my Jamie could see this... there's even a waterfall.
1pm - "Pin the tail on the Angelina". See, another great thing about being the outsider lady, with bug-rashes... is you get to be "it". No matter what game the children decide they want to play. ( Attatchment ) I can't say it's not entertaining... because, personally I find being knocked into the dirt and piled on quite comfortable. Giving I didn't have any 'exciting' games to show them in return, I taught them 'Red Rover'. It was about time, the "Boys" team won, the game lasted a few hours; time after time, I got caught - fuck beans; talk about me being strong as 'Lara' - - if and when they schedule a 'TRIII'; I'll be sure to give them the creative input to come here looking for an arch villain. The looks on their small little faces when saying 'Red Rover' is enough to give any mother lack of oxygen through, pinching their cheeks and eating them up. ( Metaphorically speaking, don't need to go "Suddenly, Last Summer" on them. ) By three, I realized that the boys and I had had quite enough of the ladies' shenanigans - so we 'let' them win. I never lose, I just 'give away' victory. Yup, Ang - - you keep tellin' yourself that, this little one. Will be the death of me, she got me to sing for them all. Fuck. Just... it wasn't the best rendition of a Faith Hill song ever known to man; I'll tell ya that. Alas, the heat is getting to me. I'm itching like a pig on heat. Cue snort? ...and Jolie needs to go whoop some as for her boys.
10pm - One day left, and as much want to see my family again is there... I just know I'll miss this place, I'll miss these people. I'll miss this world, the next time I come back here... It'd refurbish my belief in a supernatural force, if everyone of these beautiful kids were making more out of themselves... or at least having the chance to. I know, this entry has lacked... but so are my poor little bones. If I don't break into his arms, come Monday. Mmhm, yes... mixes in the glorious smell of mud and water stained cargo gear into his cologne. On purpose. You know, sleep doesn't sound good about now. Diving, on the other hand...
I dreamed a dream...