| [ |
mood |
| |
gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
... |
] |
I've come to the conclusion that I don't know. And since that's going to confuse you all, unfortunately, I'll elaborate on it. I try to help everyone, even if they didn't ask, or at least put the offer on the table. No one ever really takes up that offer, but it's there. *Lets out a sigh, staring at the screen* So maybe I worry about other people too much. Or maybe I'm tired. Maybe I'm coming down with a cold. I don't know. When people ask me for an answer, or advice, I give them what I think is right, and make suggestions. It's funny that the only person I don't have an answer for is myself. It's everything and anything lately, the whole kit'n kaboodle, and it's making it hard. I try to smile. Try to act like a total fool because, yeah, I don't know how to deal with people when they're emo. I don't know how to deal with them when they're depressed. Call me sheltered, a baby, whatever you want, but somewhere in my life I got comfortable ignoring it. Life's short, right? So I don't let it bother me. I smile, laugh it off. But lately... it's been harder to do that. And I don't know why. And nothing scares me more than not knowing. Especially since that means I have no valid reason to be acting like this. I have no reason to be typing this, and therefore you shouldn't all have to read this drivel and pity me. I don't want pity. Maybe sometimes I want to punch a pillow, or vent, or cry, or curl up into a ball in the corner, or be so un-Mandy-like you'll wonder who I am, but doesn't everyone? *Closes her eyes, calming herself before she opens them to type again* I don't know. So who am I? Am I always like this or is it just because for some reason I'm upset? What in God's holy name is that reason, then?! I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I hate those words to death and yet they're the only answer I'm getting, and the only answer I'm going to get. I want everyone else to smile for once. To act like a complete fool. Be happy so I can see that you learned just a tiny bit from me, and I can get out of this stage of sudden depression. Or, you don't even have to do that! Tell me I've made you laugh, at least once in your lifetime, give me a reason to be here, to wake up in the morning, to go to sleep at night, to make it through the day.
Or don't. Don't listen to me, it's the depression talking. I don't want you guys to see me and go, "Aw, Mandy, poor baby..." I'm not a pity case. I don't want you all to think I am.
I'll get over this. I'll make it through.
Amanda Leigh.
|