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Saturday, September 27th, 2003
11:57 pm
I'm drunk and therefore will be honest. I feel so split at the moment. I love Ellen to bits, but I'm also fond of Drew. It's also complicated now because Anna is going away and Ellen feels like I'm the only one around and doesn't like that fact. In fact Anna going away is why I'm so drunk. Tonight was our last night out till Christmas when she's back (though I'll probably go to Bristol one weekend, so it might not be). I realised I love her to bits and don't want her to go. In fact I want it all back like it was. With Pete and Georgie. OK, so only three of our group are going, but they're important. Me, Ellen and Anna were the Three Witches. Pete held our big group together. Georgie was cool and I quite fancied her. I want it all to stay the same forever.

I'm a bit miserable right now. May be something to do with second reading of Phoenix, but I'm just not happy. Not at all. Gah. I'm just pissed, I think.

current mood: drunk

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Friday, September 26th, 2003
11:35 pm
Random paranoia #978... OK, so I've always been paranoid about Ellen hating me. That's not changing, of course. I still don't think she likes me, which is fair enough given her new thing about finding new friends. Which, I suppose is also fair enough as everyone's going away. I hadn't really absorbed the information that Pete was going until Monday, when he called Ellen. I almost cried. Me and Ell are kind of getting on better, but at the same time really not. It's weird and I don't really like it.

And now I'm getting Drew-paranoia, which means, I suppose, that I care. I don't know. I think I do. But I'm confused. I wish I could talk properly to Ellen, but she doesn't agree with the idea. Gah.

current mood: awake

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Friday, September 19th, 2003
12:22 am
I want Ellen to be happy. I want her to believe me when I say it will get better. But she won't. It distresses me. God, and my parents are being fucking arseholes at the moment too. Ellen is much lovelier than them. I love her far more. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. They make me feel that way anyway.

I also want Ellen to be happy about me and Drew. Drew does make me happy. He be lovely. Ellen be lovely. Everyone be lovely. I love them all.

current mood: weird

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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
12:22 am
So anyway I'm mildly freaked out at the moment. Drew told me he loved me. It was mainly down to his mishearing me telling him he was lovely (which he is). I told him never to mention the "l" word again. I don't know why it freaks me out so much, but I don't like the idea. Not yet anyway. I'm very fond of the guy, and probably will sleep with him soon (basically, as soon as we get somewhere which isn't a public place...) but I don't want him to love me. I've seen what love can do. Plus, I must be a big whore because I like the whole tacky edge to our relationship. Another thing is, Ellen would be so unhappy about it. There's so much I can't tell her. Like the thing on the train. And the things we've done in parks. Boy are my nipples sore...

Ack. Like I think I said before, I probably will love Drew soon. But not just yet. Hell, we've only been together for a little while. That's a telltale sign, I don't even know how long. Is that good or bad? Hell hell hell this is weird. This never happens to me. I am Zoe, maiden aunt. Not Zoe, wanton sex minx. Yet for some reason Drew seems to find me irresistable, making one person in the world actually fancy me. I probably should fall for him, as he's all I'll ever get. Argh.

current mood: pensive

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Sunday, September 14th, 2003
6:36 pm
Bored.

current mood: bored

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Thursday, September 11th, 2003
12:39 am
Here's yet another Ellen-related rant. Anyway, what I'd like to say is that I'm distraught as our friendship is dying. She hates me now. And it's all over the trivial matter of Drew. I have to say I'm very fond of Drew and at the moment he brings me up from when Ellen brings me down. In arguments between us, I often say I'd never see Ellen again, but that's not true. I love her. I really do. She means the world to me. But I can't just give up what's going on with Drew because I'm too much of a wuss to hurt him and more importantly he makes me happy. He makes me feel like I'm a good person, which is more than I can say for Ellen. I really don't understand what her problem is. Actually I do. She's depressed, properly, clinically. But won't see anyone about it. And I'm really worried. Charlie seems better now he's on the Prozac again, but Ellen is worrying me. Perhaps I should get him to talk to her, as he's been there and knows what it's like.

On a different note, it's Sept 11th once again, and I still don't really feel anything. Fuck it all.

current mood: rejected

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Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
7:06 pm
Me and Ellen had another big row over Drew. I know this is mean of me, as she is depressed, but I have to say that she shouldn't be whining as it was worse when she was with Chris. Man, that's old news though.

My parents are pissing me right off at the moment. "GETAJOBGETAJOBGETAJOB". Oh yes, I'm also a fat tramp, apparently. Charming.

current mood: angry

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Friday, September 5th, 2003
7:05 pm
Don't know what was wrong with me last night. I shouldn't drink.

current mood: contemplative

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12:43 am
To Ellen,
You're probably right when you say I'm not honest with you. I don't think I am. So I will let you into my head. You probably won't like what I really am, though you also don't like who I pretend to be.

I can understand fully why you don't want to speak to me. I felt exactly this way last year, though I behaved far worse. You are a stronger, better person than me for not doing what I did.

I know you don't believe me when I say this, but you are the most important person in the world to me. Without you I am nothing. I'm a pathetic little girl really, and I need you. The only person I really need. You're so wonderful. I can't imagine life without you as I don't think I could live without you. Sometimes I have horrible thoughts but I never act on them because you'd hate me more than you already do.

If you want I can leave your life. I would probably fall apart but I feel like I'm going to soon anyway.

I am a selfish bitch. I never think of how you're feeling or how anyone else is. I have hurt you so much and I hate myself for that. I don't deserve your friendship. I don't deserve anything. I hate myself. But I don't think you will believe any of that because you don't believe what I say. Which is understandable as I lie to you a lot. Because I lie to myself a lot. Tonight you have persuaded me to actually think and I don't like what I'm seeing. I really hate who I am but I don't know if I can change. I'm a bitch full of twisted thoughts and I don't like to look at my motivations for doing anything because I am selfish.

If we can make up after what I've done, I promise I will try to listen to you more and be more intuitive. Because that is something I lack. When you say you're fine, I generally believe it, even though it may not be true.

Something I realised the other day is also bothering me. Once upon a time, I had the ability to calm you down. Now I always run to Pete and tell him you need him. I'm jealous of that. I want to be as important to you as you are to me. You're the only person who I would ever turn to and without that I think I would go crazy.

I love you so much.

Even if you don't believe a word I say (I understand fully), I'm glad I told you this. Welcome to me.

My love forever, Zoe.

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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
6:07 pm
Today I accompanied Ellen to the STD clinic. She doesn't have HIV. Yay.

She was a bit of a miserable bint though. I'm sure it will get better soon.

Pete's leaving. That's depressing. He was the only one who could handle her. I wish I'd been able to, but Ellen never responds to me in the same way that she does to him.

current mood: blah

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Sunday, August 31st, 2003
11:45 pm
Well it's been very... ah... weird. Me and Drew ended up getting more luv. I think I wouldn't mind going out with him, but then I'm not sure. Gah. I'm confused. I need a job, too. Sigh.

current mood: confused

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Saturday, August 30th, 2003
6:34 pm
All sorted with Ellen (I think). That girl really does keep me on my toes. And my lappytop's all healed up from its nastypoo virus. Argh. I am totally sober. Need booze. Neeeeeeed it.

current mood: hyper

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Friday, August 29th, 2003
2:41 pm
Last night I met an online friend, Drew. We got on remarkably well, as 'twere. I am such a slut when I'm drunk.

In other news, I've decided to go over all angsty and say I hate my mother. She is really pissing me off right now and deserves a slap.

Oh well. ZoZo got luv last night, so all is not lost.

current mood: giddy

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Thursday, August 28th, 2003
1:52 am
I don't know how much more of Ellen I can take. She is a fucking nightmare. Always ordering me around and manipulating things to go her own way. And yet when I try telling her to fuck off, I always give up. I can't. I adore her, even though she treats me like shit.

I feel awful arguing again. Sometimes I just want it all to go away. I can't live without her, so the only way out is death, but she'd be pissed off at me for dying. I give up. I can't not care, but I don't want to.

current mood: confused

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Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
6:26 pm
Haven't written much lately due to being smelly in a field in Reading. For a full rundown, visit my website. As you can see, the address is over there.

Anna was getting right on my Bristols for the duration. I don't know why, but she was annoying me. On the plus side, she didn't fuck Loz. That's very plus. I think I'd go mental if she got laid before me. In fact, Dini was the only one of our number who got kinky tent love. Billy, too, I suppose, as he was involved in one incident with Dini.

Me and Ellen, of course, didn't really get on, but it could have been a lot worse. I was too stoned to be a complete and utter bitch, so I was just demi-bitch for most of the time.

Ah well, I'm back now, and I'm sure you can all hear from me sometime soon. When everything goes tits up.

current mood: bouncy

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Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
4:39 pm
Another bad day. I am never in the best of moods anymore. I think I drink too much and am too dependent on people who have grown to loathe who I now am. I want it all to end. I can't bear this any more. I don't want to be me. But I will keep on being this bitch who I hate, driving everyone away, and it will go on forever.

current mood: confused

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Friday, August 15th, 2003
12:41 am
A level results:

Psychology: B
History: B
French: C
English Lit: B

Go me.

I had a shitty night while celebrating. Not sure why.

current mood: drunk

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Thursday, August 14th, 2003
12:35 am
*Four Weddings style outburst*

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK

FUCKADOODLEDOO

My A Level results are coming out tomorrow.

No, scratch that. Today.

I have failed. Oh God, I've failed. I know it. I am so incredibly petrified. Sob.

current mood: scared

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Friday, August 8th, 2003
12:08 pm
What a fucking weird week it's been. Twice I burst into fits of drunken tears for no real reason. Once it was vaguely caused by Ellen ignoring me and the other time because I thought she might be annoyed at me for telling her to get out of bed with Loz. And then surreal incident #1 of the week occurred. After chatting for a while (bear in mind we were all totally pissed and had been drinking 80 proof Stoli) suddenly I joined them on the bed and we had a repeat performance of The Incident. Only this time holding a conversation while... well...

Sunday was a nightmare day. I was so hungover and sleepy and Just Not In The Mood to dance round in a school uniform. Monday-Wednesday were pretty mediocre, though on Wednesday I realised that Pete really is quite fond of me.

And then Thursday. To avoid gory details I shall just give the pairings. Ellen and (cringe) Jos. Me and Charlie. In a park. I'm still all grassy.

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, August 2nd, 2003
11:57 am
I got very drunk last night. More details of what I have done in previous alcohol related silly things later. I'm at Pete's at the moment.

current mood: dirty

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