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Friday, May 19th, 2006
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7:24 am - new
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Well, Alex and I are in our own apartment now. Michael and I seperated. At first I thought he was not going to want to see me anymore at all. Then it seemed he wanted to work it out. Then it seemed he was all angry and said he hates my new place. It has all been confusing for us both. Right now I just need some space. I don't blame him for feeling rejected. I hope he feels better soon. I worry about him being sad. I know I am very sad about it sometimes.
I've been working hard at my job. Also, moving stuff and trying to make the new place functional. I'm so tired. I'm sooooo glad it is Friday, even though today I am booked back to back. At least at the end of the day I can come home and relax and/or sleep a while.
I never realized how much crap I have until I had to move it and then our house looked so empty and my apt is so full. I will have to weed out what I don't need this summer and give it away.
I hope I can get the rest of my furniture this weekend, so I can put away clothes, books, etc.
I got my internet set up last night. The new dsl came with a dummy-disk, so it was really easy. I still think it is very expensive, but oh well. I didn't order cable tv. I am worried about the car breaking down, so hesitant to get more bills. Dean wants to sell me his car before it gets reposessed, but there is no way I can afford it.
Matt's bday is this weekend. I need to call him.
Well, have to go to work.
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| Sunday, March 26th, 2006
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7:02 pm - clear
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longing for the perfect dimensions of isolation, so sparkly, shiny, and orderly.
thank goodness I don't always get what i want. isolation is generally bad for me, though i often think to myself that if I had some it would be good for me.
longing for the simplicity of a studio to escape to on occasion. not because i don't love my family. just because it would give me time to clear my head. maybe. : )~
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| Friday, March 24th, 2006
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10:26 pm
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my heart breaks. my mind squirms. my heart is so full sometimes of the richness of the lives shared with me. the depth of what people say to me. the delusional, the depressed, angry, borderlines, manics, i love them all for making my life so much fuller than i could have imagnined. i'm grateful
it is good to be alive
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10:25 pm - into dust
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Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
A round broken in two
'til your eyes shed into dust
Like two strangers turning into dust
'til my hand shook the way i fear
I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under...your fate
It was you
breathless and tall
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust.
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10:08 pm - life
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My life is so rich and so full. Tears.
Candle-lit lady de guadelupe, sweet weed swirls in the air .
My man across the room in his robe, on the phone, so handsome & loved.
Life drips thick in my veins...thrumming with possibility. Drumming with anticipation of having all that is my due. The easy and the difficult.
My trancendant amzing, ironic, useful life.... : )
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: Mazzy Star
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10:05 pm - Wild Horses
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Childhood living, is easy to do.
The things that you wanted, I bought them for you.
Graceless lady, you know who I am.
You know I can't let you, slide through my hands.
And wild horses, couldn't drag me away.
And wild horses, couldn't drag me away.
I watched you suffer, a dull aching pain.
Now you decided, to show me the same.
No sweeping exits, or offstage lines.
Can make me feel bitter, or treat you unkind.
And wild horses, couldn't drag me away.
And wild wild horses, couldn't drag me away.
(I know, I dreamed you a sin and a lie)
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried.
Let's do some living, after we die.
And wild horses, couldn't drag me away.
And wild wild horses, couldn't drag me away.
And wild wild horses, we'll ride them someday.
And wild wild horses, we'll ride them someday.
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| Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
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10:22 pm - small and big
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So much I could say. My world is getting so expansive these days. Adventurous meeting unique individuals all over the city. Some of them are so wonderful. So many developments. Seems like I'm on fire. michael is talking about ruining his job though, and i can't believe it. he seems so unhappy now. I wish I could help him somehow. I am worried. I don't know what to do. But work is good, and I am trying to build a personal life. I am getting to know myself in a whole new way, and my clients teach me so much. I am sad about michael though. I wish we could just make this place our sanctuary for him as it is for me and that he would see the world differently. I love him. I wish our foundation would give him the stability to see through his struggles. I could also say in addition that I am afraid of change. Or not so much afraid, but not energized enough for major change. I'm in a position where I dearly need to re-energize while maintaining my activity.
On a personal note, back to that, back to self for a moment before I go worrying outside myself...
wow. I am learning so much. I am so fucking tired lately. I just think I need to eat healthier and work out 2x a week. Alex and I are *SO* close these days.n When I grow up I want to be more like her. I want to be so many things right now. I am all of it. And none of it. And very aware of my consciousness lately. Listening to a lot of Ram Das. Oh, and I am giving up ice cream for lent because two catholic clients taught me about lent. So even though I am not catholic I am going to try this lent thing, just as a spiritual practice. One small practice in discipline of the mind.
trapped in the bliss off humanity...deep in the muck of it. relishing more breaths. making more of them count. more aware of myself. small awakening. big blessing.
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| Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
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10:59 pm - catchin up
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catch-up email to a friend....
go ahead, you can do it. forget capitals. don't worry about tense, or punctuation. have a 'no grammar email day'!
Work is pretty good... It is really weird to finally be doing what my goal was for such a long time. I keep wanting to pinch myself...
I think it would be 100% grand if my student loan payments weren't about to kick in. I went to school so much, i bet they will be like $375 a month. Yipes!
But no, really.. work is great. People are so fascinating, and it seems like I am pretty good at working with folks. I feel lucky and honored to be a part of my client's lives.
I've been getting more into my spirituality lately too. I think because suprisingly, when you are a counselor, people ask you what you believe in a lot. I want to be able to have something decent and real to say about it, rather than something like, "Yeah, I kinda dig buddism, but never got into it as much as I wanted too." So instead, I am digging in and finding out. I'm so glad I am doing it.
However, I wish Ihad more time for art. Or reading a good book. Or organizing my music collection. I sleep a ton when not at work. My house is always in dissarray, which does cause a low thrum of anxiety at times. I think I have lost 10 pounds. I hope I can eventually lose 60 more. My kid is old enough she is very independent now, so she doesn't feel too neglected. We hang out at night and she tells me about her day. Did u know she has a girlfriend now? It is her first serious relationship. Wow. She seems happy. She thinks she is in love.
michael has been sick for almost a month. an ear infection that does not seem to want to go away. he has to go to a specialist now. I'm worried about him. he also is very unhappy a lot, and doesn't feel good. he is having trouble at work too. his boss isn't the best manager when she is stressed, it seems. I try to give him lots of attention, tea, and neckrubs. How is your man doin? How are you? When is the quarter over? How are your classes? Are you glad to be studying art again? Miss ya! Lets do coffee whenyou have some free time. : ) Maybe even make some art.
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| Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
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2:28 am
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Matthew came for xmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
His wife is pregnant. Perhaps I will be a grandma again. Matthew doesn't seem quite satisfied with his life. He both fascinates and terrifies me. I am in love with his face the way I was when he was a baby. The affinity is feelings for that baby. But it is so awkward to have those feelings for a grown 19 year old boy I barely know. I am a teenage girl in my heart, staring at the baby's arms that used to reach up for me in the dark in our apartment on Sharp street. It completely unnerves me. Despite this, I wouldn't trade seeing him for the world.
Today we saw Thea and it was relaxed and cheerful. An oasis from the hecktic world of trying to entertain for hours those we don't know well. And MoM. Oh, mom. Gotta love her. She is gettting to be a bit, how shall we say... kooky.
My shopping addiction was on a tight rein compared to the last few years. Despite that I am in the hole, but perhaps not as much as I might have been had I not been trying to be very strict with myself. Hoping some of the cash from this job and my taxes will bail the rest. I need to pay off so many things right now, and they all kind of are a priority. I think I need to write down a plan. And this time, stick to a payment plan for everything. Including paying michael some rent and paying utilities and such. (I really *DO* want to act like a grownup. REaLLy!!!!) Also, I want the stress off my back. I want to feel less out of control with my money management. Time to take charge and decide my priorities and pay some things off. Court, michael, the bank, my lawyer, the dentist. Pay up on stupid car insurance. Start saving for Alex to meet her faternal grandma in AZ, and for a new car cuz this car is going to bust a gut again any minute. It is clugging along under the hood again.
I want to clear away some emotional baggage/bills too. I need to get a regular exercise/activity routine. Also I need to get to the other side of some of these feelings about the kids and the past, and how they all fit in my life now. Right now it is just stressing me out inside. I feel like there is such a gap and I don't know how to bring the pieces together. I thought that when I met them. When I got to see them all the time, that I would feel healed. But what I am discovering, sometimes to my dismay, is it is actually the beginning of the healing process. A journey I didn't know I would have to take. I had thought all that endless waiting in exhile had been my only dues for my sins. I was mistaken.
Oh, the things I would change in my life....if I were a magician for a day. My children by my side. My self respect and dignity in my pocket, bravely moving forward with the confidence that all would be well.
My heart is sad. But I'm strangely alright with what I perceive as suffering. Something tells me I will feel better on the other side of it.
In other news, michael, the kids, mom...all 'round for xmastime. Even Kara tomorrow. All of them ALL of them. Wow! I hope she brings Cyler. There was much joy to be had. michael and I got along marvelously. Despite the fact I was a dunce and misplaced (a nice word for LOST) one of his credit cards. Ugh! I was mortified.
I'm glad to be finally tired, but worry that the walk down two flights of stairs will waken my slowly beating heart. Maybe I will lie up here or in the living room and watch bad tv. In here is likely more comfortable.
current music: Madonna ~ Fever
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2:22 am - big
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~.~.big sparkly warm fuzzy hugs.~.~
current mood: pensive
current music: Bootylicious ~ Missy Elliot & Destiny's Child
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| Monday, December 19th, 2005
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9:34 am - yay!
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I want to do something xmassy for my clients next sat. Think I will bring my boom box with xmas tunes and bake some treats for everyone.
I was reading Audre Lourde this morning. Something I haven't done in years. So long I have forgotten her words, except in a vague way...a feeling of warmth when I had read them years ago. While reading, and alternately thinking about my new workplace environment and how that experience is, I had a eureka, or a ephifanny or an inspiration, or whatever you want to call it.
I want to open a residential home for gay and lesbian mentally ill within five years. I am so excited!
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| Sunday, December 18th, 2005
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10:16 pm - inspiration
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i love myself today.
today was a good day. i was myself and i feel stronger.
glorious me. after all these years. here i am, still.
joy...
audre lourde, smoking jackets, bongs, plays, dinner, cockatiels, scrabble, naps, daughters, sons, warmth and food. inspiration for the horizon.
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| Thursday, December 15th, 2005
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11:28 am - lately....
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I miss Thea every day.
In other news, I've been up early mornings lately and quite productive. A busy little bee around the house, running kids around, and working on baby books. Oh, and reading. Getting on with michael and Lauren rather well, but Alex has been stressed lately. Snappy. But not cuz of me. This Friday is last day and they all have vacation. Getting lost in the house a lot, but I keep note of the clock and try to have balance. Been taking a bit better care of myself. Eating better. A bit less, and try to make even subtle choice changes toward healthier foods. Need to add in exercise for more balance though. Next week. Meds are well. Hmm.... what else. Mom is doing good and we get on really well. It is enjoyable for us both to spend some time. Michelle is nice and we are going to do more art. She was telling me how Rebeckah had been in the hospital a few times and cutting and miserable. The dear. I do hope she gets better. I feel sad for her, but have decided not to return in her life. I would likely get the old treatment from her. Or worse now that she is more ill. The poor thing though. I always thought cuz she was so brazen that she would make it farther than down. : ( I want to see Matt. I am terrified to see Matt. And so it goes. I need to call him. I procrastinate. But soon I will have to call, or I won't get to see him for holiday. I was hoping he might call me, I guess. : (
In other news, the house is looking up and the fireplace is ablaze now. Soon I have to figure out presents and wrapping and feast food, and invitations, and and and... but it will get people together and I know I will enjoy that. The business ends up being worth it.
Well, off for a snack and a shower. I've to learn to fire drill today. How silly, huh? : )~
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| Thursday, December 8th, 2005
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3:48 pm
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Gail called this morning. She told me two things.
Allen OD'd in August on painkillers.
Kara had her baby c-section. Cyler Aidin.
I'm a step-grandma. whew!
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8:40 am - Imagine........
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Today, 25 years ago John Lennon was murdered in front of his New York apartment. John Lennon, a peace activist, posed such a threat to the greed of the US government, that Nixon once tried to deport him. Here's to John, and his auspicious wishes... : )
Imagine ~ By John Lennon
Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...
Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
current music: Lennon ~ Imagine
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| Monday, December 5th, 2005
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4:13 pm - irony...
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irony about the big fuss about money between michael and i last weekend.
i got a part time job today. working in a 15 bed mental health group home.
someone i worked with from mental health apparently works there too. all i had
to do was phone interview with the owner. i was going to also have to meet with
the house manager, but i guess that old co-worker from mental health put in a
good word for me. i start wed and fri for training. but for now i am stuck with
the weekend shifts 7-3. i might get more hours on-call if someone gets sick or
something, on occasion.
it is very low key. make meals, help with daily activities, be available for
dispensing meds, and for anyone who wants to talk. nice. i hope i like it. i'm
going to leave my expectations alone and just experience it at face value. no
getting myself worked up like the last job.
i know michael won't like the weekend hours but he can't have it both ways. it
is a job, and something i would be good at and i am taking the offer. what a
relief. now i dont have to feel like such a loser. i had that transcription
thing but lately there just have not been any files, so no money coming in.
i'm tired...after i go run an errand for mom, i am coming home to nap. but, i
am really happy at the idea of the job opportunity. YaY!
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| Friday, December 2nd, 2005
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10:50 pm
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I am an oak, strong, broad, wide...with my roots deeply planted
I am a dandelion, subject to the wills of the wind's whimsy
I am
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10:50 pm
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I am an oak, strong, broad, wide...with my roots deeply planted
I am a dandelion, subject to the wills of the wind's whimsy
I am
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9:16 pm - joining you
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Dear darlin,
Your mom, my friend
Left a message on my machine
She was frantic
Saying you were talking crazy.
That you wanted to do away with yourself.
Guess she thought I would be the perfect resort
Because we’ve had this inexplicable connection since our youth
And yes, they’re in shock
They are panicked
You and your chronic
Them and their drama
You this embarassment
Us in the middle of this delusion.
If we were our bodies,
If we were our futures,
If we were our defenses,
I’d be joining you.
If we were our culture,
If we were our leaders,
If we were our denials,
I’d be joining you.
I remember vividly a day years ago,
We were camping.
You knew more than you thought you should know.
You said ’i don’t want ever to be brainwashed’
And you were mindboggling, you were intense.
You were uncomfortable in your own skin.
You were thirsty,
But mostly you were beautiful.
If we were our nametags,
If we were our rejections,
If we were our outcomes,
I’d be joining you.
If we were our indignities,
If we were our successes,
If we were our emotions,
I’d be joining you.
You and i, we’re like four year olds.
We want to know why, and how come about everything.
We want to reveal ourselves at will, and speak our minds.
And never talk small talk and be intuitive,
And question mightily, and find God my tortured beacon.
We need to find like-minded companions.
If we were their condemnations,
If we were their projections,
If we were our paranoias, I’d be joining you.
If we were our incomes,
If we were our obsessions,
If we were our afflictions, I’d be joining you.
We need a reflection,
We need a really good memory.
Feel free to call me a little more often.
~Alanis
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9:13 pm
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Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
~Sara McG
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