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[15 Jun 2008|12:45am] |
I can always rely on Saturday night. Even though I have to work it out, and even though it's often a slog, it's the best night to end on a drink. There's nothing quite like emerging from the kitchen and sinking a few. Especially when it's been a hard week, which this one has without exception.
I haven't been myself this week. But then I don't entirely know what myself is. I've been down, seriously down, all week. It's testament to my strength that I haven't drunk more, because at times, i've felt like doing so. All in all, I have coped really quite brilliantly. Because my mind has not been a good hang out, believe me.
But i'm starting to believe in me, in my fucking power, my ability to pull myself up, to use depression as an anchor, and to hook myself into the ground and stop, just to re-assess. I've worked out that my bad days are a test, a real test. I cannot go on feeling like this all the time, but I know that all this will one day make me feel better, because i'll get through it all. One day, i'll be married, one day, i'll have children, and I will teach them all that I have learned, that life isn't easy. It's a struggle between all sorts of things. But i'll give them love, compassion, insight, and humour. I truly believe that i'll find my way out of this crap, and I believe i'll find someone to fill in the blanks.
One day.
I'm going to be okay.
Someone told me a story tonight, which inspired me. She told me that I restored her faith in love, that I made a difference. That my writings taught her to trust in love. And now, she's married, to a lovely guy called Mike.
To me, that makes an incredible difference to me. That I have actually made that kind of an impact on someone's life, for the good. Eva, you don't know how beautiful that is. Obviously, sometimes I get sad and frustrated that I don't have that happiness for myself, but that is just by the by. One day I will. But I digress. I'm incredibly proud of you and Mike, and I love you both very much. May you both have so many happy years in front of you.
Mazel tov!
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[15 Jun 2008|11:11am] |
Oh no. I hope I said the right thing there.
It's Father's Day. I have got some of the customary chocolates, and a card with garish exclamations on the front about dads. In the meantime, I get to clean the plates eaten off by other people's dads. And their various relatives and friends.
To give you some idea of my task today, downstairs and upstairs are full. There is a twelve at two. Today, is a special menu. Which means starters as well. I'll try and see you on the other side. I'm busy all day, pretty much. If anyone wants me i'll be in the sinks shitting splints.
Hopefully in a good mood later on. I certainly don't feel as bad as yesterday.
Bye then.
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[15 Jun 2008|04:49pm] |
The big one is over. I still have to work this evening, but the massive one is out of the way. Thank Christ Seventy nine of them today. Nothing is left. Not one thing.
The relief is fucking palpable.
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