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[12 Jun 2008|12:56am] |
I had an uncomfortable meeting with a mirror. It was, if you're interested, in the men's toilets at the Bell. I'd been out, quite spontaneously for a few drinks with Alexandrer and Graham. I decided that in the event that their forays out in Minster are rare, that I would come down to see them. We were joined by a Dutch couple, who were holidaying in the area. They were good company. We shot the shit in the garden, and I got quite drunk. Well, reasonably drunk. Not too much. My stomach burns, which is quite enough. Five pints enough in fact.
When I got back into the pub itself, I went to the toilet, and decided to brace the mirror. I hate that mirror. It shows every single bad part of my skin, every blemish and every flaw. I hate it. I studied my face, and it's profile, the tiny marks, and the big marks, the holes, the pits, and the redness. For a moment, I hated my fucking face. I hated it's blight upon me, it's inability to live up to my expectations. I was appaled.
I have you see, always had a problem with my looks. Ever since I was young. When I grew up, I was a fat, generic little thing, I had no distinguishing features, just a muddy and porky little mush. When I reached my teens, I shied away from girls, I didn't think they'd like me. They teased me because of it. Once, Jodie Flood kissed me on the cheek, and I wiped her kiss away. The other boys jeered, saying I was gay. I wasn't, I was just not used to girls kissing me, and I didn't know how to handle it. I felt like an amorphous blob. I guess that continued into older age.
And that never really left. It's why I was never that good with the girls. It's why I lost my virginity when I was twenty eight. In some ways i'm glad, but in some ways, it sucks. And still, even though i'm more confident than ever, I still have my moments when I feel disgusting. I suppose it's only natural, but it's there. I don't care a fuck if that sounds unattractive or whatever, it's what it is.
Believe me, i've come a long way, i've matured and grown up. I know what makes me sexy, I just have moments when I pick out all my flaws. To balance it out, I looked back at my reflection in that mirror and I bounced back with my good points, which were..
Amongst my terrible skin, I have incredible eyes. Seriously. I have huge, expressive, intense, lovely hazel eyes. The kind of eyes that befit my personality, they redeem me. They show everything in my soul, my heart. Used properly, they are my weapons, my most attractive feature. Somebody once fell in love with me partly because of my eyes. I am aware of this, and I know why. Because they are awesome. I used this positive, and I felt instantly better. If it could happen once, why the fuck can someone not fall in love with my eyes again?
It's what keeps me going. My eyes never lose their gleam.
And then, I started thinking about my other positives. I know about my inner positives, that's not the point. They never lose their potency. But I thought about my other physical positives. I have nice facial profile, I have a young face, I have a slim and athletic body, it's lean but reasonably muscular. I have the body of a dancer, or a fly half, given some toning.
Weighed up, i'm pretty damned good. So fuck that mirror, eh? Right. Night, then!
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