|
[08 Jun 2008|12:54am] |
You know all that lovey shit I was writing in the last few weeks? All those declerations of love to an unknown person? I know who it was. I think it was all the tipsy part of me talking. In the light of clarity, and without the influence of booze, I realise how ridiculous it was.
I've had three pints tonight. I deserve it, and I am controlling it. I relented tonight because i've worked hard today, and I will allow myself some reward for a good day's work. This doesn't mean I am not cutting down, far from it. I just want to enjoy my drinking nights more by making sure they're nights when I am going to enjoy it, rather than them being a routine.
Yes. I digress. I got outta hand. I let too much of myself out there, I believed in something I shouldn't have, at great disadvantage to myself. It's not going to continue. I guess I got confused by circumstance, and I believe something that was amplified by alcohol. I don't really believe it. At least, I don't when i'm clear headed.
The fact is, I don't love anyone (Romantically I mean). I just fooled myself. And that ain't going to happen again. I'm in control. If I love anyone, i'll decide, not my subconcious. I will not be that silly, again.
The upshot is, right now, i'm living for me. I'm saving my money for me, i'm looking to my future. Selfish, perhaps, but all i've got right now is my dreams. All my work is going to making my time more interesting. If someone comes into it, and they sweep me away, then fine. But I ain't going to chance my arm upon it. I'm not that easily infactuated anymore.
Bollocks to love for now, basically. It's getting in my way, and i'm not any closer to it. They say it happens when you least expect it. So fuck it, i'm gonna do what I want for now.
|
|
|
[08 Jun 2008|04:05pm] |
For most, the weekend is something to look forward to. It means a well deserved break from work in many cases. For me, it just means more work, and harder work. And that's to add to the work I do in the week already. I barely get a break at the weekends, and it's shown today. I am spent, and I have a headache. I drank three pints last night, but that is nothing to me. I wasn't even drunk. Ridiculous.
And it's hot too.
Oh well, it's over for now. I shall stay in and watch Croatia stuff Austria in day 2 of Euro 2008. After that, it's going to be interesting between Germany and Poland. Probably. Anyway, I am going to lie the fuck down.
|
|
|
[08 Jun 2008|10:35pm] |
Three of four days now with no drinking. How bloody brilliant is that? Yeah? Yeah, I thought so. Thanks. It's Sunday night. Apart from a moment's restlessness two minutes ago I haven't even wanted to leave the house.
I feel healthier. Yet, strangely, i'm waiting for the real effects to kick in. Like my brain working again. Or feeling a little happier. I don't feel sad. I just feel blank. As blank as a mayfly's cv.
One thing's for sure, this is better than that lonely depressing walk down to the pub. It's depressing because it's routine. And routine makes life go faster. A theory talked about none other than Simon Bloody Armitage (See diary circa late 2004) states that as you grow older, life tends to seem like it is faster because you slip into a routine. In my case, that's definately true. I rarely notice entire weeks pass by. And what have I really done in that time?
I've worked, i've drank, and i've felt like there is not anything else. Hence my dissatisfaction with life.
That has got to stop. So stopping drinking so much will let me pursue other things I may want to do. I.e, dancing, acting, or whatever. Just something different than this bollocks trudge. I have to admit, I haven't really enjoyed being alive in a long time. Not a good thing to admit, but then again, it possibly is. I'm no longer content to let this continue.
That's pretty much all.
--------------------------
Dating Don'ts:
1. Don't invite her round for dinner you're going to prepare. Tell her it's a theme dinner. She'll be most impressed, thinking that theme is Italian, Mexican, or Japanese or something. When she arrives, you invite her in, take her coat, and make small talk. She asks you what the theme is, and you reply that the theme is that all the food you're going to be eating is from a tin. Tinned vegetables, tinned tomatoes. Tinned beans with pork sausages in. Tinned pineapple. All of it is cooked in the tin and unceremoniously emptied onto her plate, while she sits looking astonished and trying to mask it. Make sure some of the food sort of splatters when you do empty it out. When she makes excuses to leave, hold fingers up to your head and pretend to be a bull, and pretend you're going to rush her.
|
|