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[09 May 2008|05:43pm] |
AOL's Dating Guide has the feel of a hunting guide about it. Disgusting, obnoxious seven steps to a woman's hole for dickheads. Utter, utter dickheads. If that's what it takes I think i'd prefer to be single. Here's my take on it.
So, without further ADO, here's the Dating Guide from Arsehole On Line, with what i'd do written underneath AOL's step.
1.
Shit AOL Step 1:
1. Spot your prey
You've homed in on a gorgeous girl at the bar. You want to get close but she's surrounded by a group of mates, so how can you tell if she's single? Use the time waiting at the bar to chat to the guys in her group. Start a conversation, make them laugh. Your aim at this stage is to be open and friendly and get the men of the group on side. If she's out with an all-female group, you need to change tactic. This is where a mate can help. While you have isolated your prey he can distract her friends to give you more time with your quarry. While you are flirting, he can be finding out more about your girl from her friends and can talk you up.
What i'd do:
Right you've seen a girl you like. Look terrified, and search for an easy way out. If no way out is present, drop to the floor and crawl along it until you bump into people's feet, at which point they start kicking you. Get up and sit at the bar, clutching your head in terror, turning around to throw glances at her, during which you open your mouth like in that old painting, in a transfixed, silent, anguished scream. Headbutt the bar. After banging your head five times, rest your head and roll it from side to side, shouting "NO! NO! NO!".
AOL Stupid Fucking Step 2:
2. Me, interested in you?
Very attractive women get guys coming on to them all night. Frankly, it's boring for them. It sounds strange but the way to get a good-looking girl's attention is to ignore her - blatantly. When you next pass the group, stop and chat to the guys with her. (If she's with a group of girls, this is where your mate starts a conversation with one of the girls). Whether she's with a mixed group or all girls, you must NOT look her way. In fact, deliberately turn your back or partially block her while you chat to the group instead. If she likes the look of you, she'll be intrigued to know what you and her mates are laughing about - and even more intrigued why you haven't gone up to her - after all, she is the prettiest girl in the room
What i'd do:
Shit in a hand, and offer it to her mates. Be sick in a fag box, and sit on it. Paint a pitcture of a cow's cunt on your forehead, and dance around her group, kicking your legs out and swinging arms dangerously in all directions. Turn your back on her, bare your arse to her, and shit on the floor. Fall over, in your own excrement, and cry loudly. Lick the floor. Repeat.
AOL SHIT FUCKING STEP THREE:
3. Let her do the running
Wait for her to physically move into the group or until she joins the conversation to give her any attention. Once she does, this is the time to use eye contact to full effect. Look directly into her eyes and hold the contact for a few seconds too long. Smile as you do so with your mouth closed. A smiling, closed mouth is more mysterious than a wide, toothy grin. Save this for when you wake up next to her in the morning.
What i'd do:
Tie a dead mouse to your fists, and punch yourself repeatedly, in her presence. Hurl salt into your eyes, and howl like a dying child in her direction, forcing your fist into a pint glass and knocking it about. Undo your flies, and ram a fist into your groin.
AOL Step 4:
4. Moving in
Clubs and noisy bars make great flirting territory - you have to get close to hear her. Use this to your advantage to help isolate her from the group. Make conversation and feel free to give her a compliment - but not on the way she looks. Instead tell her how funny she is, or how you admire some aspect of her character. And no more than one compliment. The aim is to keep her guessing as to whether you fancy her or not.
What i'd do:
Let off a fire alarm, so that everyone runs out screaming. Find her in the car park, and offer her a soiled hankerchief with your face and hers drawn on it. Make the faces "Kiss" by scruching up the hankerchief. Look at her for a full ten minutes, without blinking. Drop to the floor and grab her leg, shouting and screaming as she pulls you along the floor. Dress in a nappy and sit in a skip, bellowing
AOL Step 5.
5. Check her signals
Watch to see if she touches herself while talking to you (eg stroking her neck, playing with her hair or earrings). She doesn't have to be talking with you to make her intention known. If she's touching things while talking to someone else but looking at you, you know you're halfway to bed.
What i'd do:
If she's let you get this far, she's clearly not all that bright. If she looks well scared, well done! If she's calling the police, it means you've got her attention. If it takes more than six cops to restrain you, it will impress her. Shout at her as you're led away "I'll BE BACK FOR YOU, YA SEXY SHITTER!"
AOL Step 6:
6. Lull her into a sense of security
Now's the time to move away from the bar and find a quieter spot to talk - a comfy sofa if you're lucky. Place a hand gently on her mid back (not too low or you'll appear sleazy). Guide her to where you want to go. If she's not happy, she'll quickly move away from your hand. If this happens, back off from physical contact and resume chatting. If she lets it stay there, you can move on to the next stage.
What i'd do.
Don't touch her, women are terrifying. They might want you to touch their naughty hole or their fun bumps. Just sit in the chair, back straight, face forward, lunging at her with a stick if she tries anything.
AOL Step 7:
7. In for the kill
Now's the time to get closer. Touch her lightly on the arm or knee as you talk to emphasise your point or whenever she laughs. Fix her with that sexy melting look you do so well and if all is well lean in for the kiss. Go soft and slow - but show her enough passion to say you mean business. Always let the lady decide when it's time to go home. When it is, play the gentleman and offer to see her back safely. Take it easy and don't put too much pressure on her to get invited inside. With any luck you'll be enjoying a 'cup of coffee' and stroking the cat in no time.
What i'd do:
Follow her home on all fours like a dog. Shit on her lawn, knock one out on her carpet. If she tries to get you into bed, Spin around the bedroom, crashing into all her things, and leap through the window. Roll down the street. Go home, and never, ever go back
Don't worry, I don't actually think of women like this. I am a robot, and so I regard both genders with equal contempt. Now FUCK OFF.
Ha ha. See you later, then.
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