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[06 May 2008|07:49pm] |
Five years of the Zoomeister diaries, and let's face it, life stunk out loud for me in 2006. These days I feel like i'm smoking a cigar on a French veranda, in those days I felt like a tramp being sick outside Domino Pizza.
So, things are much better. Here's a brilliant post I did though. This is from March of that year, I think.
"Something of an interesting fact. Yesterday's viewing figures for the livejournal matched what has become the average Blurty figures. Hello, if you're reading. I'm a dirty pit slag. I throw filth at buses. I see your bumhole, and I raise you a lazy eye.
I want to see one cat left after an apocalypse. Rest assured, it'll happen one day. Government war cabinets are plotting it now, pointing two fingers at Google Earth and making bang bang noises. They'll declare war on the earth, they'll wipe us all out, and all that's left will be a single domestic cat, sitting on a stool in the wasteland.
I reckon it'll be George. And he won't move. His spores will be picked up by the wind and scattered the length of the country, evolving into new Georges. George never moves, he never breeds, he doesn't do a thing. His flock will be made from floating osmosis, and he'll rise up to make the new world special.
That really is it. I tried thinking of new ways not to flirt, but they all end up involving self impalement, which i've done a million times before. Can't be bothered. Anyway, Valentine's day kind of is a joke in itself. Instead of buying your loved one flowers, buy them a bee. Bees are better than flowers, because they fly and collect honey. You could give it to them in a box. The bee could fly out and land on their face. They'd be happy, you'd be happy. You could both have sex with the bee. It could be a threesome. You could all go out hand in bee hand in hand. You and the bee.
Alternatively, sit holding hands over a table you've dumped a pig's heart on. In between kissing and drifting off into romantic reverie, you could both take turns to blow into the heart like a fucking fleshy ocarina. Play the tune of love. One of you could smash the heart with a hammer, in representation of the peril of love. Remember, love is a crazy world, you may as well reflect it. Another popular couple's pursuit is having sex on a neighbour's porch and then throwing their bins through their window, followed by turds that you have both crapped out and mixed together.
Make Valentine's special, please. You only have one muted celebration a year, to waste your money and render the best feeling in the world utterly blank and emotionless due to this Hallmark wank. Staple yourself to the bed, just to show your lover you're not going anywhere. Nail your cock to your thigh. Draw their face on your balls. Tatto a picture of a fizzing bomb to your loins, to show how explosive they're going to be when you knock boots with a loved one. Wank into a hand and give it to them, in a parcel wrapped in your own skin. Show your LOVE.
Goodnight."
This post actually makes me laugh out loud. Which is either tribute to it's greatness, or i'm just fucking arrogant. Hey, i'm feeling a little more cocky and confident these days. It's a beautiful change to the insecure dickhead I was, and I still have a weighty shit of modesty, I tell you.
Here are some Dating Don'ts to keep you being sick all day, folks.
1. Call her Miss Bum-hole all through the date. Say you've been picturing her anus all day, and what it's like to put an endoscope up it.
2. Tell her you've always wanted to paint a black hole on your penis during sex.
3. Ask her if she's up for a trip to the dog's home, because you're horny as a beagle.
5. Revealing a funnel you're concealing, stand on your chair, and hold the funnel in your mouth, pointing upwards. Pour in a litre of hot curry paste (Liquidised so that it'll go through), and swallow the lot, choking and going red eyed with the hot, spicy overload. Lean at her face for a kiss, your eyes watering, and your hand clutching your bell end through your own trousers.
6. Give her a picture you drew of your mum being sick.
7. Tell her Frasier is god, and he wants her to fuck you. Write this on your own forehead and headbutt the table.
8. Astonish her by producing two small finger puppets you made of her parents, and make them have an argument at the table, pretending she is the root cause.
9. Tell her your foreskin is filthy, and you want her to shit all over it.
10. Hold a balloon in your mouth you've blown up, and are keeping there, all through the date. If she complains about it and the fact you can't and won't talk to her, punch the balllon and shake.
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