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[30 Apr 2008|02:35am] |
Tonight, I found myself ensconsed in conversation with French Andy. Andy is the bloke whose ceiling I put my foot through, during that party a few months ago. We had a great chat tonight, about romance, about the grief, and tragedy of romance.
And I think I found out a lot of things about me. About my confusion. And I think the confusion is because...I don't know exactly what I feel about person A and person B. It is all decided by circumstance, by time, and by what is. We talked about that.
I think what I learned, is that I am still in transcendence. I am proud, I am grown up, and I am ready for she, whoever she is. I am just a little pulled back, because I am uneasy about things i've been through. I am still not at rest. I can not appreciate, for instance, the excitement of people like Rebecca, if I can not let go of the past. It's not like I can't let go, it's that there are still issues I find it hard to resolve.
Would this really make a difference? Perhaps. Still, my soul glows when I think about what love can be like, and has been. I think I just want the future to match up to it.
Gah. I don't know. I'm not unhappy, far from it. It was a fucking ace chat. I like Andy, he's a great guy. He might be fifty, but he's sharp as a tack and understands completely. Puts things into perspective. What I need to do, is find that final riptide between my romantic past, and my romantic future. Rebecca, or someone else. I cannot approach her, before I can move on from the past.
By the past, I do not do that past disservice. That past which I speak of is the reason I even have this thought, this feeling, this problem. I like this problem. If I didn't have this problem, I would have probably done it with any girl by now. Now, though, I am careful, and I am patient. I just want so much to find her. Whoever she is.
My past is not mentioned by name, because it's precious to me. It's why I am. I owe those times my life. They are the reason I don't fall in love easily. But the blessings of they are fraught, because it's not always easy to move on, and make that step into a new relationship. Because i'm always looking for the perfect.
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[30 Apr 2008|02:43am] |
What I must stress about the preceding post, is that in no way do I feel great emotion about it, I feel like I am honest, and in honesty, I can have no regrets. I am not so easily moved to tears, to nostalgia, to anything that I feel I can't write about these feelings. Far from it. I'm not influence by alcohol, or by adrenalin, or by anything else. I am writing purely, without inhibition.
Two and a half years ago, I would have cried, and I would have screamed, in indelicate paragraphs, and I would have desperately clung to dreams, as they dried, and faded, and fried on the haze of summer. Now, i'm with a clarity I can't even articulate. And I do feel this way. Some things happened, that made me re-evaluate my feelings, and I approach them with a remarkable emotional stability.
And i'm fairly convinced that I rock because of it. Thanks, actually btw. I've analysed the problem. I have to appreciate myself in the past, to move on to the future. I need to do that, by find out why I was so awesome in the past, and to use that, to harness it, to move on and become so incredible, that one day, when she, whoever she is comes into my life, that she'll not be able to resist me.
I think i'm on the way. Same time, tomorrow. Yes?
Goodnight.
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[30 Apr 2008|11:26am] |
Oh, I remember something I was talking to Andy about last night. I had to look it up, and it's this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego
If I can find out what all this means, maybe I can begin to understand some of the things I feel about stuff.
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[30 Apr 2008|03:32pm] |
Alright, look. It's simple, shitters. Tonight is the second leg, and it's Chelsea V Liverpool (1-1 on aggregate). It looks like it's level, but in effect Chelsea have the upper hand and are more likely to go into the final, because they're at their home ground, and they have an away goal. The away own goal, scored hilariously by John Arne Riise, means that Chelsea would go through if the score is 0-0. However, if Liverpool score, it's all change again.
So, nothing to lose, everything to gain. Once again, give the team your best, people. Please? I'll kiss you all on the mouth.
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[30 Apr 2008|05:27pm] |
On Friday I shall be purchasing a router. Recommendations please, if you have one, and a good one. These things have a reputation nearly without exception of being unstable, and requiring rebooting often. So, if you've got a good one, let me know what make it is.
Connections are gold at the moment. I can't get on for more than five minutes. I just had a completely unlikely prediction flash into my head: Chelsea 1-2 Liverpool. Far more likely than the scoreline i'd thought of two minutes earlier, Chelsea 0 - 2 Liverpool. This won't happen, of course. All odds are on Chelsea to get through.
Still, Fernando Torres and Sox-Gerrard are playing. Boot it in with your paw, son.
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