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[23 Apr 2008|12:58am] |
I was going to write something tonight. It was going to be quite lovely, too. About Rebecca, I think. I think so. I'm not sure. However, even though I am not as plankered as I was at this time last night, i've had just enough to cause some distinct burning sensations in my stomach, therefore rendering thoughts useless. I will say though, that despite my posting apathy today, I still know what I wrote last night was something i'll never take back.
Because, I cannot. I am not the innocent I was, and I am fully in control, despite my alcoholic intake, and I take not a word, not a syllable, not a feeling and not a thought back from that post. What I would make clear is that the love I feel for the person I do not name (Not Rebecca) is a love I fail to be able to understand. However, it is not currently a romantic one. It is a real and sincere love, like I said, but it is pliant, and I don't know what it really is. I just know it's good. As for Rebecca, she has potential as a romantic love. But I won't put my emotional well being at risk with her either. I don't know her, I just find myself attracted to her. It's a case of could love, rather than do.
Like I said, difficult. What I know for sure is, I could write some naughty things about her. I might do, too. But it won't be for your eyes, you lot.
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[23 Apr 2008|03:28pm] |
No exercise today. Just work. We're going to do it tomorrow. I am quite looking forward to it, as I could end up quite nice and tight. Not that i'm particularly flabby, i'm not. I just want to look fucking ace.
Anyway, it's a dull, dismal day. I have no better thing to do now than stay in and try to keep my health, rather than drinking, again. I don't know why i'm drinking so much again. I just get bored, I suppose. I'm not unhappy, i'm not happy, I just exist. And that is what drinking is doing to me. It's no fun, but it seems a good idea at the time.
I need to be good to myself. I really was doing well, too. I could feel my brain working again, and it's like a cork in my head, now. Utterly useless. Still, such is life, and it's what gives me reason to work at it. That's what it's all about, hmm?
I was well horny yesterday. I've never been a porn type person up until recently. But I do quite like it now. Nothing nasty or anything, just natural stuff. Classical sex, if you like. It sort of reminds me that i've still got milk in my udders. Porn is good. Porn is healthy, at least that's the story i'm sticking with. Pardon the pun. If you can see it.
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[23 Apr 2008|05:41pm] |
Please help us out by going to Morphine Nation and "Digg"ing the various articles. That's the plug for today. There are some good writers on there, and they deserve support. For my own work, i've been posting some classic AO Hell you might not have seen in a while, so have a look.
http://www.morphinenation.com
The thought of exercise gives me some excitement. It's the good adrenalin, rather than the feeling of lethargy I get from drinking all the time. I like the feeling, for instance, of playing football every so often, because not only does it make my body more trim and athletic, it also transmits good chemicals to the brain, and it makes it work better. So, less drinking, and more exercising. Exercise of brain as well as body, that is. I used to be well intelligent, and I know that's still in my corpus somewhere.
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[23 Apr 2008|05:51pm] |
I love old pictures. Contrary to diary history, my first real kiss was in fact, not when I was twenty eight. It was in this exact picture.
She was a doll.
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[23 Apr 2008|07:25pm] |
Contains references to fucking vegetables.
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