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[05 Dec 2006|12:21am] |
My life spirals ever more into a mediocre sludge. It isn't a bad one, it's what i'm used to but it's something that's forver perpetuated by streams of disappointments, bad trains and converstational cul-de-sacs.
I often wonder why it is that i'm given such luck. Quite often when i'm faced with a little sliver of light, it's just punched in the face with such breathtaking tedious reality I hardly know where the fun is going to come from. I want love, dammit. I want the sparks, I want the magic, I want the one person destined for me to come crashing into my world without warning. Well, it didn't happen tonight, which I expected, but still it makes you just sit back and yawn into the night.
Trains were awful this evening. Late running caused me to get on the wrong train, and I left the return portion of my ticket on it in my rush to not getting stuck at Sandwich. It meant I would have to buy another one. Another three pounds seventy. Great. The lashing rain was beautiful as it sped past the lights, but for once it meant misery as I stood alone and quite dented by the whole thing. The right train got, I got to Canterbury and trotted to the school. I shared a good giggle or three with charming young Miss D, who asked my opinion on which one of her pieces she should read.
Good or evil, she asked. I veered towards evil, because I am that. Evil. I'm a good and pure person, but in fiction and prose, I find dark things much more fun. Dark cloaks, dark eyes, dark feelings...it's just better in all ways. I told her she would serve herself better by trusting to instinct.
We all learned some things about dactyl again, and read out our things. Mine was quite well recieved by ol' John, who mentioned that the angel was "quite sexual"
Naturally. I'm a naughty lad. Even considering my paucity of experience in such areas (Bar one colossal and rewarding relationship) I am good at it, and I mix themes of religion and sexuality well, in my opinion. I was pleased because he got it.
Off we went, up the grizzly streets to a small pub with a hideous square, bright plan. No history, no authenticity. Quite incongrous we felt amongst us being such a mish mash of ages and people. A few men played darts, and of all things, a sweet counter sat behind the bar. Guiness was three pound. Tonight was not good for my coffers. I talked a lot to young D, she's a sweet and characterable lass, and I like her tremendously. She's giggly, but not annoying. Charming girl.
The sticker is, I discerned through talking that she has a fiance. Mark that one up to another miss, then. Maybe she does like me, my hair, my style, whatever. But she's taken. That's all I needed to know. Of course, i'll stay the way I am with her. I like her very much and I want to get to know her, but all thoughts of flirting are off. I wasn't too unhappy, because I never expect anything to happen anyway. But the true shit on my evening came when I got to the station. John kindly gave me a lift to it, and we had a good chat about stuff. He's a nice, gentle chap and has some good anecdotes. He dropped me off and it was then I discovered that the train was going to be typically late.
Not much has changed with SET. I did get back in time for a drink. In fact, I had three, because I got Chastened.
And that is an experience. Chasten is a nice fellow. He's got many things to say and by god, he makes them last. It's not the subject matter that is a difficulty, it's the way he elongates everything beyond any reason at all. He went on. And on. On and on and on. I laughed at his jokes and secretly wondered when I would just be left to sit and drink what remained of my drink. As he talked, I tipped the last of my finished pints into the new one and hoped he'd finish.
When he finally did, I breathed a sigh of relief. I'd smoked a whole pouch. I was done, I wanted to just go home and watch Blackadder, or anything, anything at all.
A fairly shit night. I have yet again discovered that I pretty much remain a confirmed bachelor. Nothing suggest anything different. Oh well. I do have my mind, my heart and my ability to tolerate....quite a but actually. And my consolation is, that I remain me.. I don't have to change and perhaps it doesn't make things happen as quickly as i'd like, but i'm happy with me and i'm not prepared to change that.
And while i'm not loved up, i'm noticed. Yeah, by girls who like my hair that are taken, but at least they notice. I should be happy about it, really. What I lack in terms of confidence and get up and go, forthrightedness and machoism, I make up for in being (In some ways) having a cute smile, an endearing sense of humour, and modesty. I'd be quite a catch if only I could be less nice.
But I did make two girls laugh loudly tonight. Bonus. Laughing ladies look good.
That said, I am quite, bothersomely impatient.
Night.
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