| The travels of Final Fantasy VI |
[24 Nov 2003|10:56am] |
Er, we've just entered Kefka's Domain. Atma's dead, and i've killed something else too. A big fucker with rapier arms. A bit like a bear but more scissor shaped.
THE JOB CENTRE:
PA: This is your new job. You start tomorrow
Bernie: Marble inspector?
PA: That's right. It's your job to recognise marbles, and tag them as such. Now fuck off.
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[24 Nov 2003|03:43pm] |
Macbeth is finished. I hope. 838 fucking words, actually 238 more than required.
Tomorrow i have my first meeting with a registered N.H.S counsellor, i have no idea what this will end up revealing. It's possibly not a good sign that she took a phonecall on her mobile phone during a session with my sister.
Hey, that's the N.H.S for you.
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[24 Nov 2003|03:46pm] |
I'm beginning to wonder what to tell you. I spent last night doing much the same thing i have been for months; drinking in the Bell and coming to no new conclusions about anything.
Everything apart from my English course is circling... like a spinning top that doesn't slow down. To punctuate this i am making my jaunt to the New Inn, sometimes i'll see a Playhouse bod or two, at least it's different. I may see Zoe, i may not. I still have a fuckload to talk to her about.
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| Final Fantasy VI Travels |
[24 Nov 2003|04:51pm] |
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Yep, bloody statues mate. Can't defeat even one of 'em.
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| The Job Centre |
[24 Nov 2003|04:55pm] |
PA: I think we should have a big sack of shit and rotting meat suspended over the client's chair.
Manager: What? For what reason?
PA: No reason. We could make the rope really frayed.
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| This Week's hot date |
[24 Nov 2003|04:57pm] |
From the matchmaker who doesn't give a fuck:
Name: Biffer Benny
Age: Sun dried
Job: Making giant teeth from the glands of beavers
Hobbies: Painting snails, smashing vases, breaking bars, killing jokes, threading spiders, fighting planets, throwing stones at funeral processions, bending rulers, pies, eyes, lies, and sighs. And daffodill collecting.
Am looking for: Paraplegic Venus De Milo look-a-like.
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| The Pied Piper fucks up |
[24 Nov 2003|05:08pm] |
Piper: I have come to remove your rat infestation...by playing a simple tune.
Bloke: Who are you?
Piper: I am the pied piper. With my soothing melodies i can lead rats to their deaths.
Bloke: Go on then.
Piper: Ok.
Bloke: That's a kazoo. And it's making no difference. The rats are still everywhere. Plus, i don't think a kazoo version of "Voodoo Chile" is particularly soothing..
Piper: OH FUCK OFF THEN.
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| The Angry Scotsman |
[24 Nov 2003|05:16pm] |
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Yesterday i came face to face with Charlie. It was on the way to work. I rounded the corner of Bens, and suddenly, there he was. We exchanged glances, and his look was one of unsurpressed hate. Possibly because i dared to talk to his wife. He doesn't like me, clearly. Or maybe he looks at everyone like that.
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| Memories. |
[24 Nov 2003|05:18pm] |
I wandered through the fields in my best clothes, getting my foot stuck in the clammy mud. Wrenching a foot free, the shoe came off and stayed there, whilst i stood on one foot trying to keep balanced and removing my shoe.
Balance left me, the foot had to come down, causing a sickening splooching into the mud as my sock came up to the ankle in fucking mud and SHIT. When i got home i looked like i'd been rolling down with a fucking mudslide.
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| The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes |
[24 Nov 2003|05:25pm] |
INT: Street
Holmes: Here we are in the street. Children, adults, and lepers on every corner
Watson: Holmes, what are you talking about? And why are we investigating a competition entry?
Holmes: BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE WON! I bet that bloody Moriarty won my crisps. WE SHOULD INVESTIGATE HIM!
Watson: Moriarty is dead, Holmes.
Holmes: DEAD. Of course he is...which makes him all the more dangerous, you see?
Watson: No.
Holmes: FUCKING GET ME A PAPER, Watson.
Watson: I don't know why i bother.
Kid: Oi, mister! Want to buy some crisps?
Holmes: Wha....where did you get this! SPEAK BOY!
Kid: A man was handing them old, whilst laughing and jumping in the air. He was shouting "Crisps for everyone!" and smashing himself in the eyes!
Holmes: GRRR!
Watson: Holmes! Look at this!
Holmes: "Sherlock Holmes caught with penis in vase of flowers.." bloody tabloids...
Watson: No! This one!
Holmes: "Crisps go missing"....hmmm...a coincidence? Or a tedious plot twist? Robin...eer....i mean Watson...to the Sherlock mobile!
Watson: We don't have anything like that. We have to take a horse and cart.
Holmes: I hate horses...they shake their heads abruptly at me.
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| The best things to do with a sparrow |
[24 Nov 2003|05:32pm] |
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No. 121: Scream through your fucking window at it, whilst poking a cuddly toy in the eye.
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| The Couple |
[24 Nov 2003|05:47pm] |
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"Yes...we had so much in common....found out we both loved stapling our faces to manhole covers...so we decided to get married"
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| The Divorcees |
[24 Nov 2003|05:54pm] |
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"One day he came home, and had a daschund sticking out of one eye. Said it was trying to escape from his brain. I just had to leave after that."
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