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The Astrologer without ANY qualification whatsoever.
ARIES
Aries should beware today, as that toupee you ordered turns out to be absolutely infested with genetically modified turnips. Honestly, they'll have eyes and everything. They'll even try to spike your dog's food with arsenic.
TAURUS
It's your birthday, sometime next year. Join the club, bucko! It's everyone's party at some point in 2004! So stop stealing the limelight eh? Birthday hogger.
GEMINI
Chaos breaks out at the squirrel bank, when a stash of nuts are found in an old woman's handbag. Luckily, she was only delivering them to the bank. You however, are caught hastily cramming a hazelnut into your breast poket. Naughty, naughty!
CANCER
The horses arse reunion is a huge success, until somebody actually turns up in a REAL horses arse, and forgets it's only pantomime horse fancy dress.
LEO
Your cat displays signs of mutiny, drawing placards, pissing in your underwear draw, and trying to drum up support by standing on the kitchen table on two legs, screaming into a funnel.
VIRGO
You have an overwhelming urge today to eat as much mud and earth as possible in twenty minutes in a desperate attempt to beat the world record. Although you never actually found out which one you were trying to break, and sit there dissapointed and desolate with half a worm lodged in your left nostril.
LIBRA
You fancy a pie, so you stop at the local butchers, and order an onion pie. There's no such thing! Haven't you heard?
SCORPIO
It's your month, so you can expect plenty of significant events to be a'goin' on. Sadly, i haven't a bloody clue what they are. Maybe you'll be sent the wrong bill for a set of garden furniture, or dislodge a knuckle. Or a duck catches your eye whilst it tries to drag a lump of bread into it's beak. I don't know.
SAGITTARIUS
It's all r-eye-t this week, as your optician announces to you that your orb like recepticals are actually built with lazers that can burn through people's skin. Careful in those crowds!
CAPRICORN
Congratulations! Your lucky item of bodily waste this week is: TOENAIL CLIPPING
AQUARIUS
Your experience in the medical profession does not prepare you for your day's first patient: A man with a lump of molten rock hovering ominously next to his head.
PISCES
Take care at the beach, where you discover a man idly swinging a bat. Best not to ask him about his wife, eh? You and your BIG mouth!
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