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[04 Nov 2008|09:36am] |
Welcome to the day of president voting and stuff. Of course, I am English. This means I can't vote. I'd vote for that bloke in the massive top hat with the stars and stripes on though. Or Fred Astaire. I think he would be good. Seriously, guys.
I'm not especially good at politics. Or rather, I pay little attention to what is going on, who is arguing about what, and make my own mind up. I'm stubborn like that. However, let's muck about a bit. Here's what i'd be like if i'd lied on my C.V and was now on telly talking about the election battle! Can you imagine it? Me, sitting amongst all these American top tv news blokes, them all in suits and ties, me in a red Mighty Boosh t shirt, with a pint of Guiness.
"Neil Stilwell, you've been watching the candidates closely, I understand?"
"Yeah. Well, no. Frankly, it was late and I was well tired and that. I did see the debate...thing, you know where they sit there and had that fight. What concerned me slightly, was that while old Obama was talking about stuff, the other bloke..."
"McCain?"
"Yeah, the potato"
"Potato?"
"Well, look at his face. It's a mouldy potato. I'm not saying he's a vegetable, but a few more years and he will be...he's about three hundered now, ain't he? All i'm saying is that if America votes for McCain, okay, they're going to get a man who knows his chips, but he's fucking shit at being president."
"Surely you're not being partisan here Mr Stilwell, saying that you'd rather vote for Obama?"
"Yeah, he's got a cracking name. It sounds a bit bonkers and that. Plus, you can imagine him playing football with Dave and me and Dan and that. Probably. We'd have to show him how to kick a ball."
"Going back to this earlier statement, do you really think that McCain is unsuitable on account of his as you say "Looking like a mouldy potato"? You do realise the things you're saying here, don't you?"
"No mate, i've still got jet lag. Can I have another pint of Guiness? You geezers need to stop putting sulphates in this shit."
"So, the question I posed earlier..."
"Yeah, *clearing throat*. Er...McCain. Brilliant, well done. Chips, great. I loved the crinkle cut edition. I had NO idea he made chips. Must be why he's got that weird old head. He's been chopping chips off it for years. I've got an idea, right. Get the spud out, get the cyborg out....."
"Cyborg?"
"Yeah, Sarah Palin. Fixed expression, probably has got a steel plate where her vagina should be. Still would, though. Ever have that thing when you don't like a woman at all, but you sort of would have sex with them? It's an odd attraction, ain't it. I'd cock her rivets off, the shiny bitch."
"I think we're getting away from the point here...here's the fifteenth commercial break this minute"
*Sledgehammer plays, and a massive chip appears on the screen with a face, shouting:*
MCCAIN OVEN CHIPS, BACK for another successful term. WE mean FRIES, OBVIOUSLY. Twenty freakin' dollars for ten bags. It's a bargain. I mean real deal guy. BUY SOME FRICKING FRIES FROM MC CAIN!
*Back to the studio. I'm sitting down sniggering into my chest and the other blokes are starting to twig i'm not a real political geezer*
"Mr Stilwell, it says here you've studied politics for a thousand years."
"Yep, turn of the century, in 1982. I was brought and bred while King Thatcher ruled the skies. When Mordor was finally destroyed. I am Gandalf's best mate. "
"What the hell is that?"
"Nothing. Hey, make me president. Forget potato head and cyborg, even Obama. He can be my second man, which would make Biden third. Together we'd be righteous. I'll unite the country with a regime of constant arms linking and breakdancing. We could all eat Creme eggs and forget to go to work. Just forget. Easy!"
"Thanks, Mr Stillwell"
The viewers at home are stunned.
"Who the fuck is this limey asshole, man? I pay fricking twenty dollars a minute for this shit" while my face chuckles away at the whole charade.
Still, i'd go for Obama if i was there. Onwards and upwards, America.
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