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Tuesday, April 15th, 2003
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10:49 pm - new shit
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okay I haven't been updating lately simply because I have gotten a DeadJournal. Check it out. http://www.deadjournal.com/users/suicidalxbitch.com it's rather interesting. I'm not gonna be updating this very often because I'm going to be working with my DJ. I'm sorry for those of you who actually like read my journal. I would like to stay on your friend list though suicidekitten. and you too icutmyself. check out my DJ for my life info. thank you all, and goodnight
current mood:  depressed
current music: Silence - Bisexual Tendencies (my soon to be band!)
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| Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
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7:59 pm - The Bitch Has Risen
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Okay, today life has been hell. My sister had to open her big fucking mouth and say someshit that got me in trouble. She told my mom about how my dad won an award with his company (my parents went through an extremely horrendous divorce.) My mom asked if she had talked to my dad, the kicker here is... Audrey said that she hadn't, she had talked to my step mom. WTF!!! That pissed my mom off, and she started asking questions, and audrey kept saying stuff voluntarily that eventually just dug me into a big hole. Then my mom asked if I was trying to keep it all a secret. I told her no. Since when is something a secret if I don't tell her??? WTF is with that. arg. It gets better. I told my mom that I didn't hafta tell her everytime someone calls of I do something in this house. That pissed the hell out of her. She told me that yes I do. This is HER house, and as long as I live here, I hafta tell her everything, and If I don't tell her she'll find out. BULLFUCKINGSHIT! First of all, I have come to the decision that there Is not a single thing in this goddamned world that Is mine, Just mine, everything is hers. My room isn't even my own damned room, It's just a place I get to sleep in. SHe also pulled this shit about how everything I have here is a priviledge. Sometimes I wonder how much I actually mean to her. God damnit, If she hates me so much, why does she work so hard to make people think she cares. So therefore, my whole living here is a priviledge. FUCK FUCK FUCK and say it with me FUCK!!!!!!!!!! My step mom called me on my cell phone, which my DAD got for me and my mom has no control over, yet she still tells me that I hafta tell her. And the she called my step mom a sneaky witch, which pissed the hell off of me, because me step mom is a fucking waaaaaaay better mom than my mom ever will be. And she can't stand it. And she started saying that she doesn't want me to keep things from her anymore. Since when is not telling your mom a piece of nonsignificant information that really doesn't matter, keeping something from her. It's shit. She just can't stand it that I have a good relationship with my step mom and I tell her almost everything. She hates that fact that my step mom actually knows me, my mom still thinks that my favorite color is purple. My mom knows the me that existed forever and a day ago. My mom acts like I have no damn life. I am just a mindless drone that she controls. She tries to take away my free will and my life. It's shit. ANd another thing, She told me that if I ever dared to side with my step mom again, she'd disown me. What kind of mother threatens her child like that. My step mom thinks that that is complete bullshit, and It pissed me off so much that at this very moment, my throat hurts like a bitch bcuz I'm trying to hold back the tears. It's things like this that make me wonder why I keep on living. Why don't I just go on and end it all. Life is shit. I have no freedom, no life, no nothing. I wish my life would end right now, Hell I could do it, And one of these days I will. people always tell me that I have too much to live for. I can't name one thing right now. I woner why my mom hasn't just sent me to live with my dad already, she fucking hates me so godamned much. I heard from a friend that you can divorce your parents when your 17. I wonder how my mom will feel when she recieves divorce papers from me. How shocking that will be. and Maybe one of these days, I'll run away, I'll move out, live somewhere else. who knows. The masochism has begun again, fresh open wounds again exist. This is crazy, my life is fucked.
current mood: suicidal
current music: Heretic Anthem - Slipknot
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| Tuesday, April 8th, 2003
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10:03 pm - hmm
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today was eventful, dont' feel like talking about it. Gotta go do the sleep thing, but I'm still alive (for now). laters
current mood:  sleepy
current music: none
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| Sunday, April 6th, 2003
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10:29 pm - Time for an update!
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Ya know, It's times like these that I hate being a chick. Whenever this time of the month rolls around, I have sleepless nights, coldsweats, night sweats, cramps, and all the other pain in the ass factors that go right along with it. It's crazy. Oh well. This weekend was rather eventful.
FRIDAY: I rode the bus home, which I almost never do on Fridays. As soon as I got home, I fell asleep and took a much needed nap. When I woke up,... no one was home. A great way to wake up at my house. My mom called later, apparently Audrey had a Softball game (yes, Twig plays Softball) and she had some workshop thingy to go to. They didn't get back until about 100 am. I was asleep again by then, so Friday was nice.
SATURDAY: I woke up early on Saturday and left with my mom. She dropped me off at the church at about 830 am. At about 930, everyone else (Savanah and Jamie) showed up, and we headed off for Georgewest. (A little town about an hour and a half south of San Antonio. I think.) We went to a Dairy Queen and met there for Peer Ministry Training, we were the only church that showed up, because of the SAT's. oh well. After that, we stopped in Three Rivers and went to a little Salsa Festival for a little while and took some dorky pictures of us. The I went to another one of Twig's Softball games, her team is undefeated. GO RIVERDOGS!!! Then I came home and slept.
SUNDAY: I got up and my mom was sick, so she drove me to church. I got a Youth Group T-shirt today. On the front it says "UNDER CONSTRUCTION" on the back it says "Making room for Christ. St. Francis Youth" It's bright orange too!!!! then after church, I came home, did chores and now I'm onlinedoing "homework". heh! So Yea, that was my weekend, kinda eventful dont' ya think.
I've been going on the whole Veg thing for several days now, and lately, everyone I've told things that I can't do it and it's a waste of time and energy. So now it's kind of moved onto the fact that now I just want to prove to myself as well as everyone else, that I can do it, and It's not just for "kicks". I think I can do it, and I will do it. If I can go for 3 months, I'll be happy, after that, I'll see what happens. Any wayz. That's a big entry, SO I'm gonna go, Catcha on the flip flop.
Oh yea, and Much thanks to iceblink icons, she made me my anti vivisection icon!!!! whoo hoo, Thanks much, everybody, check out iceblink for some majorly creative, artistic and just all around awesome icons, you won't be dissapointed, guarenteed.
current mood:  blah
current music: just the TV news stuff (Operation Iraqi Freedom and crap.)
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6:17 pm - Laffy Taffy jokes
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What is tan and has a trunk?
-A mouse going on vacation
Why was the tomato blushing?
-it saw the salad dressing
If miss issippi brought a new jersey for miss ouri, what would della wear?
-I don't know, but I'll ask her (Alaska)
What is gray and has two trunks?
-An elephant going on vacation
Why did the Turkey cross the road?
-To get to the chicken
Why did the sun go to school?
-It wanted to be brighter
Do you know what Mary had when she went to dinner?
-Everybody knows Mary had a little lamb
Why did the ghost float across the road?
-Because he couldn't walk
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
-Thunderwear
What do you call a very religious potato?
-A medi-tater
Why did the duck cross the road?
-The chicken was on vacation
What flies and helps people?
-A helidoctor
What kind of plant do you put in a cake?
-Flower (flour)
What does my homework and a rare steak have in common?
-They are both almost done!
Why was the ocean arrested?
-Because it beat upon the shore
Okay, I know these are really gay and so... not funny, but I had a surplus of the jokes and needed a place to put them, so here we go!
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| Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
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6:53 pm - Animal Rights
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I was in the library today doing research for my persuasive speech for uh, speech of all classes. haha. I went to this site with bunches of topics for persuasive speeches, and one was animal rights, I liked that one and thought of the animal defense league website. I went there and found this article about HLS. Huntingdon Life Sciences. Some of the statistics in the articel were horrifying. There are over 70,000 different animals there, including cats, dogs, rats, mice, monkeys, guinea pigs, rabbits, and birds, all waiting to die at anytime. Every year, HLS subjects over 180,000 animals to testing. They are forced to ingest, inhale, and endure all manners of toxic chemicals. Animals are restrained and forced to consume toxic doses of pharmaceuticals, pesticdes, or industrial chemicals such as weed killers and disinfectants. There is to much for me to write here, but I encourage you to visit this site ( http://www.animaldefenseleague.com/hls.shtml ) and see for yourself the cruelty that these animals must undergo just for the hell of it.I'm seriously considering becoming a vegitarian. This helped to snap into perspective the kind of hell that animals undergo and the hand of humans. It's really sad and It pisses me off. Become an animal rights activist and stop this cruelty, after all, what did these animals ever do to us, they give us food, pets, life long friends, all an animal has ever done to me is become a life long friend of mine, yes, even rats mice and monkeys have been my friends. Please visit this site. again it is http://www.animaldefenseleague.com/hls.shtml Help out our animal friends. thanks for listening
current mood:  aggravated
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6:07 pm - Mad Scientist with Fake Info
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I just finished my biology lab project thingy. I satyed after school all week this week and twice last week just so that I'd get to finish it. And I looked at my results today when I got home, and I forgot to do the second distance for one of the parts. I don't wanna go back and do it after school tomorrow, I think I'm just gonna try to logically try to make up the rest of the crap. But I hafta get a really good grade on this thing, I need it to pass this nine weeks, or I hafta take the class again. There is no way in hell I wanna do that. What would you do??? I need drugs, life is pissing me off like hell. It has become a pain in my royal ass. aye, and I have a feeling that I am gonna end up sleeping on the way to George West on saturday (trip with youth group from church). Even though that will leave savanah unprotected for tina to bug her. Tina is this weird chick we jkow, that has decided that she will be bisexual when it is convenient. Whenever me and savanah are like fooling around, tina wants to join in, but whenever we aren't she doesn't wanna do anything, and the day she found out about em and savanah going out, she was all over me like she wanted us to do stuff, and then she said we needed to have a sleepover with her me and savanah, it drives me nuts. but oh well, I'm gonna hafta sleep though because I have gottnen no more than 4 hrs of sleep everynight this week. I have been falling asleep in clases and everything. it's crazy, and teachers are starting to get pissed off. it's crazy. This is turning out to be my main entry of the day. so yea. that is most of today's shit, but I have another main topic to talk about. so that's gonna take another entry.
current mood:  tired
current music: In Winter - Kittie
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5:39 pm - My mom is satan
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Okay, I failed three classes last nine weeks, and she knew that I was working my ass of on two of them, and the other was because of my fucking teacher that refuses to give you good grades unless you suck up to her. I refuse to go that low. SO yea, she told me she was kool with it and she understood, and now she's saying I'm grounded for them. WHAT THE FUCK! she needs to make up her fucking mind. and she stilll thinks I'm failing, when technically you start each nine weeks with a fresh hundred, so technically I'm passing all my calsses right now. arg, this fucking pisses me off. I guess I don't have much more to say about this topic, I have made my point and I am still royally pissed off. So yea. See next new entry for my next rant.
current mood: pissed off
current music: Safe [KMFDM Inc. Remix] - Kittie
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5:27 pm - umm
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I had so many things that I had wanted to rant about for today. But I've noticed that whenever I listen to music (metal of course), all my problems seem to disappear, I live on music. oh well I guess they will begin to come back to me laterz. Princess gave me this cd that he told me I wanted to listen to. It's called like mindless self indulgence, something like Frankestien girls will seem strangely sexy or sumthin. oh well. Talk to all yas laters, I just thought of some rants so I'm gonna start them in a new entry.
current mood: depressed
current music: Cocaine and Toupees - Mindless Self Indulgence
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| Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
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7:17 pm - People Hate Me
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See me in the headlights
Manipulate their simple minds
So put your hands up in Praise
I'm your god, and your my slave.
And people hate me
cuz I'm better than you
And people hate me
And that's the mother-fucking truth
And people hate me
And you can all fuck off
I'm perfect pissed off beautiful
I'm god
Sorry, that's been in my head all day
current mood:  crazy
current music: People Hate Me - Murderdolls
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| Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
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10:54 pm - Homework, one of the pains in my royal ass.
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It's almost 1100, and I've been working on homework since about 530. crazyness. I've gotten english and geometry out of the way. And now on to stufy for the Latin test tomorrow, supposta be a killer. hell, all of the latin tests are killer for me, I had a fucking 53 in that class!!!! it's horrible. specially if I wanna take latin again next year. oh well, just gotta study hard. so yea. I'm gonna be up for a while longer. I talked to hannah again today, this time online. We had a very interesting conversation about drugs. different kinds, what they do. And how for me NOT to end up killing myself in the process. Hannah is really riding my ass about that. I never thought she cared so much. Oh well, good to know someone cares. but yea, I wanna try acid. It gives you a crazy trip, but sometimes it can be good, sometimes it can be bad. But whatever you do, don't look in the mirror when your on it, it's horrifying. so yea, at least that what she warns me about. We usta be these two littel blonde girls, happy go lucky, giddy, spice girl fans. Our minds were so innocent and pure. Now we have become everything our parent's warned us about, and our minds are trashed beyond repair. There's no hope for us, or at least not for me. oh well. gonna go do more homework. WEEEE!!!!! laters
current mood:  hungry
current music: All I here is my stomach growling :)
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9:27 pm - old love dies hard (and my great depression begins again)
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For one thing, I feel really blonde right now. What I'm doing is even blonde, I'm coloring a white sheet of printer paper black with a permanent marker. It's taking forver. But I have a good reason for this. I have just now begun to feel the pain of breaking up with my ex of two months. I had his name written huge on one of my folders, and now i have the task of covering it up. I still talk to him soemtimes, and today he just kinad dropped the first hint of why he made me choose. (we broke up cuz he made me choose between him and my gf, and I chose her.) He told me that it is only possible to love one person, and no matter what you always love that person more than anyone else. To him that one person was probably me. But for me that one person is my gf. When he decided to make me choose, he probably thought I'd choose him over her, bcuz we were doing that whole I love you thing. I did love him, but not as much as her. He told me he understood, but my friend jamie told him that at school, he was acting all depressed. It's crazy, and he's extrememly suicidal and a major masochist. And that is one of the crazy things we have in common, but I don't love him. I'm surprised he hasn't killed himself, but hes probably at the cutting worse than ever. I did love him, but I only loved him for a few months (since halloween). But my gf, I fell in love with her years ago. And now I have her as my own, and I'm not gonna let that go. I feel that it's okay to have a bf and a gf at the same time without it being cheating, but some guys don't. Jeff was a great guy, and i miss him dearly, but after breaking up with him, things with my gf got better. So I can't say that I regret it, but it was hard. and right now, I just hope he doesn't end up reading this, or otherwise he's gonna be kinda upset, and it'll make things weirder between us. unfortunatley, he has my journal address. so this is kinad crazy. oh well, things will get better, I just hafta move on, If anybody has any advice for me about this, please say so. thanks much.
laters
current mood: depressed
current music: People=Shit - Slipknot
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5:37 pm - Giddy Good Day!
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Today ended up being a rather good day altogether. Princess stole my Slipknot Iowa cd, but I in return stole his Muderderdoll cd!!! whoo hoo!!! meh, i'll get slipknot back in due time, and meanwhile, until slipknot is back with me, murderdolls are mine. So yea. I stayed after school today to finish the Photosynthesis lab. It's still not done, so I need to stay after on tomorrow and thursday too. Oh well. n e hoo. I talked to my youth minister earlier today. Got some issues we had with the whole organization of the thing sorted out. And I figured out that I get to go out of town on Saturday for peer minister training. Whoo Hoo. I need to one of these days write an entry about my whole views on christianity and my issues with it. I'm still not quite shur If I'm a christian, Still trying to figure all that out, Hell I'm still trying to figure me out. But oh well, Fuck It. So yea, I found a hook up for some Vicoden today, I'm so happy, Bubbles is awesome, I'm just afraid of what he's gonna want in return. oh well, I'll figure something out, all i know is that I refuse to fuck him for drugs. hell no. Noy now, not never. oh well.
later peoples.
PS - MURDERDOLLS ARE MINE!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
current mood:  happy
current music: People Hate Me - Murderdolls
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| Monday, March 31st, 2003
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8:52 pm - today is not a smart day
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haha, it was hilarious, i was talking to my gf about some stuff, and she told me she loved me cuz she wanted me to talk to this guy for her about some vicoden. I totally didn't catch it. I feel so damn blonde now it's hilarious. So yea, thought i'd just offer a quick update on my embarassment.
peace and chicken grease
current mood:  ditzy
current music: family portrait - pink
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6:09 pm - ego volo dormire
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translation: I want to sleep.
So n e wayz, hey peoples. I fell asleep in Latin today, and that isn't exactly the best class to fall asleep in, my teacher even pulled me aside after class and asked me if I was okay. Kinda scary, but my teacher is cool, I just told him I had alot going on lately. Goog part of the day today was when I got my Latin quiz back, I got a 95 on it. WHOO HOO!!! Record high!!! so yea. I am so fucking tired right now. I have like 3 bottles of soda on my desk and this huge bag of assorted candy to try to get my on a sugar high so I can stay awake long enough to finish my homework. Audrey is pissing me off. She keeps fucking wearing my clothes and stuff, be it a shirt or socks, I have awesome socks and I love them, and it's not the all around fact that she's wearing them that pisses me off, It's that she didn't ask, if she had asked first, I would've been cool with it. And then I tell my mom and she reverses the blame and says that If I had finished the laundry then none of this would have happened, which we both know is bullshit. I got my homework done yesterday, all of it, I can't remember the last time that happened. oh well. I've also noticed how my sister seems to be able to get away with everything. Whether it's something as minor as leaving clothes on the counter to stealing money from me. And even though I would get bitched at for leaving things around the house, audrey gets away with it and I end up having to pick it up or get bitched at. It's crazy. And my mom keeps acting like I owe her something, bcuz she does stuff like the dishes for me when I'm doing my homework. now I could stay up about 30 mins later everynight and do the dishes, or I could finish my homework and go to sleep and minimize the sleep deprivation. In case you haven't noticed, this is my bitchy entry. There is much more disfunctional family crap to bitch about, but it gets kinda boring after a while, so I'll save that for next time. Other than that, things have been going good, School is fine, I went to the Therapist today, she says I'm doing good. I'm really happy cuz tATu was in a magazine I saw there, People magazine. I was so excited, I wanted to take it with me. but Oh well. Things are going good with savanah, though her life is kinda fucked at the moment, and I wish I could just go over to her house and rescue her from the madness and mayhem. She's a tuff cookie, she'll pull through, and I'm going to help as much as I can. This is one hell of an entry, so I'm gonna go now. catcha later
current mood: bitchy
current music: Suicide, A Better Way - Choking Victim
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| Sunday, March 30th, 2003
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10:30 pm - conclusion of today and the weekend
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okay, i talked to my friend hannah today for about 45 mins to an hour. She Lives in Alaska and I've known her since like 3rd grade. Scary. so yea. She has recently gotten into the whole Ska thing, and 70s and 80s rock. Me, I'm beginning my metal madness thing again, I took a break from it for a bit with some more punkerish shtuff. So yea, she graciously told me that she doesn't like Korn, not like korn, I think she's a wee bit on the crazy side. but oh well, i be fine, my heart will heal. So yea. Tomorrow is school again, this weekend was okay. It seems to me that there is some mysterious force that drags me out of bed every damn sunday morning to go to church. It even goes far enough as to push me out the door and into the car. Oh wait, I know what that is, my mom. erg. SO yea, that's about all I have to say, I'm feeling kinda talkative today, but everything i have to say is just nonsense ramblings. and no body is interested in that, now are they. so yea, peace and chicken grease my fellow journal writer peoples, catcha on the flip flop.
current mood:  dorky
current music: prison song - system of a down
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3:07 pm - All about me
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Okies, I have just realized that I never did the whole all about me shpeal. So I'm gonna do it now!!! okay, ummmmm... I have blonde short hair, almost short enough to spike!!! (hopefully hair will be black within the next 2 or 3 months. also hair needs to be shortened.) umm, hazel eyes, no bf, yes gf, umm... I am female, I uh hate school. I'm not over 18!!! (damn journal requirements.) ummm, I dunno what else to put. If you have any questions, leave a comment and I'll get back to ya, or send me an email, littlegoth999@msn.com or littlegoth999@yahoo.com. Take your pick, they both work. thank you and buh bye.
current mood: bored
current music: My Plague - Slipknot
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2:36 pm - Why the hell does everything piss me off today???
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Okay, today is wierd. One of those days where every single damn thing in your house pisses you off. Nothing is in the right place, everything is in the way. What The Fuck!!!! Oh well, I will get over it. HAHA, guess what peoples, I hafta write an entire Literary Analysis of Homer's Odyssey. Fun Fun righteo then. Whatever, I'm putting it off for as long as possible. I went to breakfast at Taco Cabana today with some friends, and I swear gabriel put something in my hair, cuz it's so fucking tangled it's pissing me off. I need to go to the store and get mroe gel and hairspray. oh well. I'm feeling talkative today. crazyness. My mom was bitching at me about my dad again, does she find some odd enjoyment in pissing me off about my dad, she's the one who made the court force me to see him, and now that we're kool again, she tries to make me not see him. She's fucking with my head, it's not a good idea to fuck with a crazy persons head. Specially not a blonde crazy person. n e wayz. I hafta go do more laundry. So bye.
current mood: pissed off
current music: Everything Ends - Slipknot
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| Saturday, March 29th, 2003
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9:53 pm - Total Numbness
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Have you ever gotten the felling that you're stoned, but your not. You know, like numb and mellow. Not that I'm complaining. It's just that now is a wierd time, I should be hyper as hell. I've eaten an entire box of gobstoppers, but I got none of the hyperness that supposta be included. Maybe the damn box is defective. Oh well, I like this feeling, No actual emotions (cept for maybe love.). It's like I don't really give a fuck about anything right now. I'm even seeing pretty swirling colors. hehe. anywayz. rock on peoples, and do yourself a favor, get stoned, the feeling is awesome!!!
current mood: numb
current music: no music, just the buzzing in my head
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9:31 pm - Life Sux Ass. (but it can be extremely hilarious at times!)
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Okay,
today was so funny, (after it was depressing.) Audrey (my sister), was playing with a ketchup packet from McDonalds in the kitchen, it busted in her hands and ended up on the floor, cieling, walls, cabnets, etc. It was even in the living room and on the carpet. I had never though that one ketchup packet to do so much damage. I'm not gonna bother you with the depressing crap though. I was talking to my gf earlier, and tomorrow she gets to go out and do a buncha crap with friends (shrooms and stuff.) I am so fucking jealous. I WANNA GO!!! At least she gets to do that stuff, It is so fucking hard for me to get to, my mom stands in the goddamned way. She is Satan, I swear!!!! Oh well. I might be leaving here soon for a Dead Journal hopefully. Deadjournals Rock my Bedspread. (as do many other things.) So yea. That's the main part of my day, except that I got to freeze my ass off at a baseball game, hell it was worth it, Audrey's team won. WHOO HOO!!!! Go Riverdogs!!!
oh well,
Catcha on the Flip Flop
current mood:  horny
current music: Rock is Dead - Marylin Manson
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