Oh, guess what?

I picked up my student card.... and didn't die!

I don't want to start yet another entry with...
'Oh boy, I haven't written for ages! I just have nothing to say.'

But then, I just did didn't I? It's so boring. My problem I think, is that I'm comparing myself to others (Danger Will Robinson!) and in the process have decided that somehow, I'm just not worthy. Or something.

I know how ridiculous that is. I'm letting the fact that I say 'I' far too much, get in the way of my journaling. It's just a symptom of procrastination. I know I use 'I' a lot. Just look at how many times it appears in this paragraph alone! It can't stop my writing though, because it's something that I need.....

What's a journal for but to talk about the 'I' in my life anyway? I'm not a storywriter and links aren't my thing. My emotional shit doesn't get sorted unless I write it out.

Journal is repetition. If I don't journal, all those issues that pop up in my life just swim around inside my head. Like tiptoeing into a kiddie pool you just know some toddler has peed in.
But my inner child is in there! And she can't swim!

Wow! That was silly. But I'll go with it anyway.....

So I guess what I'm saying is, I'll try to forget about too many 'I's' and the whispers of 'god, here she goes again, talking about the same old crap' and just get on with what this journal was created for in the first place...

For me.

I started doing 'morning pages' again this morning. Have you read 'The Artists Way' by Julia Cameron? It's a fantastic book. I've raved about it here before. If you're a creative person, but you're blocked, it's very helpful (well, it helped me anyway).

The book is filled with exercises designed to get the creative flow going by forcing examination of worn out veiws on 'what art is' and 'who artists are.' One of those is morning pages.

Basically as soon as you open your eyes in the morning, grab your pen and paper and free flow for three pages. Don't stop, just write.

When I did this last time, I was happier than I've ever been in my life. I don't consider myself a very good writer, but that's not what it's about anyway. The process is the most important thing. Writing all my 'shit' out left my brain free to wander onto more important issues besides myself.

I'm very internally focused. I think about myself a lot when I'm by myself. More often than not, it's all negative. Well, that's not really true. I do focus on what I think my problems are though. The 'why?' behind things can keep me entertained for hours! That gets me into trouble sometimes; but that's a whole new story.

I think I kept up the pages for about six months last time. Waking up and writing page after page of;
'I dreamt this last night. Did I mention the neighbours are pissing me off lately because of blah blah? I said something really stupid yesterday and I have nothing to write about....'
really helped to widen my world view. The actual words were boring as hell, but by purging all the daily chatter going on inside my head, I had the room to think on a deeper level about the rest of the world.

"Words are a form of action, capable of influencing change" -Ingrid Bengis

I can't even seem to write e-mails at the moment... I'm dry and lifeless like the lemon seed I found under the fridge yesterday....

Each day rolls into the next without consequence. I need to hunt for inspiration. Perhaps take the camera out or something? My default is set on 'paint' but when there's nothing behind the brush, it's a signal to try something else for a while. Approach life from a new angle.

I'm starting to do that in an abstract way I suppose; thinking deeper, getting more done inside my head. But in the here and now material world, nobody’s really home.
Hello Ginger, are you there?

I guess I'll come back later then......

Sometimes even the simplest tasks seem so daunting. Like going to pick up my student card... But as I write this, I think 'Ohhh, so that's why!'
By stepping foot on campus, university becomes a reality. I can't pretend it's just something that I talk about and maybe might do one day.

I have a terribly self-destructive habit of getting sick when I study. So much pressure! From everywhere. Old high school hang-ups come flooding back in while I sit on the roof clutching my valuables, hoping someone will come looking.

I stress. I forget to eat. I know it's self-sabotage.... Which is scarier? Success, or failure? I've asked myself this question so many times, and I still can't decide....

I do know this though; failure is much, much easier.

Did I just answer my own question?

My goodness, there are a lot of pisces on my little friends list here. Five of us actually. It's funny, I'm not friends with too many pisces in my 'real' life. Maybe we're all too shy to talk to eachother. Is conversation as hard for you guys as it is for me sometimes?

Once I get to know a person, I can talk your ear off. I can be quite funny too.... but until then, I'm happy to let you carry us around. I wish for just a little extroversion... Not much; a pea sized space between fingers would be fine. Just enough to let the light in.

My entries are often half finished thoughts. This is one of them.

I'm going to see Ani DiFranco in 16 days.

You know those cans that seems like it contains peanuts, but when you open it a snake springs out?

I'm one of those......

Now how eloquent was that? ;)

Literal
when they said he could walk on water
what it sounded like to me
is he could float like a butterfly
and sting like a bee
literal people are scary, man
literal people scare me
out there trying to rid the world
of it's poetry
while getting it wrong fundamenally
down at the church of "look,
it sez right here, see!"

Visiting a friend yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting a guy who 'doesn't really listen music much.' Imagine that! I don't think I can trust a person who doesn't like music. It just seems wrong somehow.

We were sitting around yakking (as you do) listening to some generic 'three ads, two songs, three ads' type radio station. Jeff Buckley came on and I said something along the lines of 'this guy's a genius.' The guy looked at me like 'Wow!'

"How do you know all these songs?' he asked 'I have the radio on all day, but don't really listen to it"

Man oh man..... *shakes head in astounded silence*

When I was a teenager, my two best girlfriends and I would sit up all night on the weekends watching 'rage,' a music program that's been running in Australia since the introduction of television (well, maybe not that long). I would play this little game with myself where I'd see how quickly I could guess the song playing. Sometimes it would take me all of two seconds; in which case I'd be very proud of myself! ;)

Anyway, that program introduced me to so much great music. I can still remember the first time I saw 'Lullaby' by The Cure. I was about eight I think.... They were the freakiest dudes on the planet as far as I was concerned. But in a good way. ;)

That program was ritual. Three teenage girls, sitting up all night drinking bottomless cups of Earl Grey tea, smoking cigs and watching music. Oh! And can't forget the gossip and philosophising!

What do thirteen year olds philosophise about anyway? I can't even remember. But whatever it was, I'm sure that in our (barely pubescent) minds, we were going to save the world! Or at least a small portion of it.

Music is so much a part of my life. This is such a cheesy thing to say, but it's been there for me when nothing else has. There's nothing like buying an album and finding that someone is singing your feelings better than you ever could.... or hearing a really kick-ass bass line. Or having a song move your hips in spite of yourself......The kind of music that makes you want to close your eyes even when you're driving.

So when a person asks me how do I know all these songs? I guess the answer is, because I have to.

I'm messy. Not just your normal, a few clothes on the floor messy; but M-e-ss-y, messy. It drives me crazy! I always start with the best of intentions, but somewhere along the line, all motivation to live like a normal human just vanishes.

My art space looks like Francis Bacons studio. It's so bad. And I wonder why I'm not getting any art done! Perhaps it's the fact the easle is hidden behind mounds and mounds of stretcher frames, life drawings, old art process diaries, paint tubes, irrigation pipe for hoops, last years calender, half finished paintings....... The list goes on. I'm sure you get the picture.

This. Must. Stop. So after I finish this update, have a cup of something hot and smoke a cig, I'll probably clean up a bit. No. I will clean up. A lot.... And throw away/donate all the stuff I've been saving up for a rainy day(but will never actually use).

For the purpose of redeeming myself (even a little bit) just let me say that my whole house doesn't look like that... this room is simply a junk magnet.

I'm back again. Three posts in one day? This is just getting rediculous! But way back when, I was known to show up here sometimes six times in a 24 hour period...so I guess three ain't that bad.

What am I doing here anyway? Felt the need for a pointless ramble I suppose. This friend of mine sometimes plays scrabble with herself just to get her daily quota of words in. It's said that women say on average (insert number here...can't remember what it is) words a day. She makes sure she lives up to that...and then some. ;)

"The trick is to combine your waking, rational abilities witht he infinite possibilities of your dreams. 'Cause if you can do that, you can do anything"

I just recently saw Waking Life for the first time. One of the many lines that jumped out at me was

Are you in the story?

Am I? Not really. I'm not in the story, not the way I'd like to be anyway. I've kept myself out of it due to fear and self doubt; it's not a way to live. I want to be "an explorer of the dream world." I want to live a life I can be proud of. The beginning of that is to ask myself the question every day:

Am I part of this story?

And every day I want to say "Yes!" Yes, I am a part of this story and my contribution to it is valid. It's important to stay away from the belief that I'm not.

I was talking with a friend over New Year about personal insecurity and how it effects us. And what came out of that for me was this; As an aware person it is my responsibility to feel good about myself. My insecurities radiate out to affect everyone I come in contact with.

If i'm having a bad day (and i haven't given myself the skills to effectively deal with it), everyone in my wake will feel it. If I'm feeling bad about myself, all the things I don't do because of it, will have repercussions I can't even fathom.

Nelson Mandela said something along the lines of 'you do no one favors by hiding in the shadows of your own light.' I never truly 'Got' that until our conversation. I was stuck in humility....or something. Australian culture is one where tall poppies get mowed down. You don't talk yourself up. A good person doesn't sing their own praises; generally. That's both an endearing, and irksome, quality

We take the piss out of each other as a sign of praise. It's quirky. It's also ludicrous. Why do we put eachother down to feel good about ourselves? I'm not blaming Australian culture for my insecurities by any means, just making an observation I suppose.

But I'm getting off track here. I was talking about personal experience... When feeling low, if someone makes a negative comment about the clothes I'm wearing, it becomes a personal attack rather than what it is; an expression of taste. Then I carry it around with me for the rest of the day throwing it around like chicken feed.... That's a fairly superficial example but I hope you get what I mean.

If I feel insignificant, that may stop me from trying new things. Or joining in on conversations and expressing opinions. And what good is that? Some of the best pieces of advice I've received in my life have come from those who didn't even know they gave it. Just because they were brave enough to let their light shine.

I've always felt kind of embarrassed to feel good about myself, and that is just so...well, odd. I'm not doing anyone favors by hiding. I could contribute to this community by honoring and using the gifts I've been given, and not be embarrassed about them while doing so.

I know these things. It makes a lot of sense. Practicing it though is the hard part. But the key to that sentence lies partially in the first word; Practice. And that's my lesson.

I got an e-mail from Brad Pitt today. Aparently, he's selling Viagra now.

I went to the dentist again today. So that's twice in one month, which is twice more than I've been in about ten years! No wonder he ripped teeth from my skull and filled another one. I hate pain...... I hate that noise a tooth makes as it's being loosened from gums. Like a plate being droped on the floor in slow motion.....
And now the left side of my face is considerably more widespread than my right.
Causing me pain and taking all my money. Great.

So I was going to go down to Newcastle for my friends 25th B'day. I can't now though due to lack of funds. I must get a steady job. Yesterday. I'm still clowning/face painting occasionally but it's just not enough. I don't know what I want to do. I guess it doesn't really matter too much. A job is a job right? Of course it is.

I'm so excited about this year! Perhaps it's the Kazoomoo* influence but, I just feel something in the air (or where ever it is that things like that turn up).

I'm feeling a little on hold though. I'm sure I've discussed this before, but I haven't really lived 'where I'm at' since being in Brisbane (damn! I used to pride myself on adaptability). But I think it's high time I moved here in my head as well as body, then things will flow quite nicely I'm sure.

I know, I've been doing things here: Like the face-painting, and clowning, and art, and hooping, and going out. But I've also been holding in my mind the fact that all my friends are "down there" (where I used to live) and I think that attitude has been holding me back from reaching my full potential here. In fact I know it has.

I'm not letting go of those old friendships.... I'm just going to intergrate them into my 'new' life here.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Yes, I know......That's a Gish-ism right there (Hello!) but it just fits in so well with my story right now so I thought I'd borrow it.

But in my mind they did, and that song has been stuck on repeat since I got here. It's time to find beauty in the present. Time for a new soundtrack...

Sometimes my fantasy land is so rich that there's no room left for reality.

I've been wanting to say something about my experience of New Year. Nothing I say seems right. I'm just not that talented. The whole trip is just beyond articulation. Short, non-descript version is I went on a five day camping trip to meet up with an old dear friend and made two beautiful new ones.
Hooray for everything! may be a perfect fit for how I feel about it!

*If Kazoomoo were a god/dess it would be of Resounding Laughter... but it's not, it's just a cow with a kazoo stuck in its throat. Started as a silly new years eve story, it has since mushroomed into an affirmation of friendship and optimism.
Make any sense? Didn't think so. I guess you had to be there....

Synchronicity is a damn good thing....

Am I a part of this community or aren't I? I can't seem to make up my mind. I've found myself sitting in this update page, staring at the blinking vertical line then leaving again, having said nothing.

What am i hiding from? Am I hiding at all? Maybe i just have nothing to say.......

I should say something though, I'm feeling muddled. I feel like I'm neglecting people; neglecting myself.

I've been thinking about my teeth more than a person should. I should just pick up the phone and make the dreaded dentist appointment. All I can think of though is the story my friend told me about the time she went to the dentist and he made her smell the crap he scrapped off her teeth........

I'm going to university next year. I'm petrified! This should be an exciting time right? it will be, but the debt is frighting. The newness is frightening. The prospect of winning/losing is frightening.
At least my father loves me now. I say that with just the slightest amount of sarcasm. But my feelings on his reaction to my acceptance make me wonder who I'm doing this for. Is it really for me, or is this a last ditch attempt to gain his approval?

I struggle with that constantly. At 25, I think that’s an issue I should have resolved by now. But I haven’t and, oh well….. It’s something I’ve talked about here before. And I’ll continue to talk about it forever probably. At least it’s not as urgent as it used to be; I accept myself more than I probably ever have, and I did that all on my own.

I think that’s all I can manage for now….. I may come back later today. But regardless of wether I do or not, I’m going to make a concerted effort to be around on a more regular basis. I think I need this space…

Somehow, my life got amazing! Something shifted within me and suddenly…….ta daa! Beautiful life! Now how did that happen I wonder?

So many amazing things are and are about to happen for me, I don’t even know where to begin. Hmmm, let’s see…….

Face Painting

So the four of us remained three, and we’ve been busy promoting ourselves and getting things like business cards and posters printed up. We’re doing markets every weekend and have been contracted out a function and done a birthday party already. I think that’s great considering this is only our fourth week and none of us are concentrating on the business full time.

In the future, we’d like to concentrate entirely on functions and parties, but for now, markets are good marketing for us! Even though I love painting, I can see four am starts getting old pretty fast. Plus functions mean hourly rates, which means better pay.

Canvas Painting

My first group exhibition opening was held on Friday night. It showcased the work of over twenty women (and one man) spanning a three-year period. The pieces were a product of art therapy sessions, held through out this time. Art therapy is however, not about product, it’s about process.
Each piece was the result of a meditation and about twenty minutes of mark making. I really had to hang up my artistic pride and be brave about letting strangers see my work. I’m so glad I did! It was great seeing everyone’s work hanging in one space together. For me, it was a time to let my inner child shine! And of course, she wore pink!

The college exhibition is coming up in the next month too. There is all manner of red tape and power trip cards being pulled surrounding this so I don’t really feel like talking about it at the moment. It pisses me off and this is a positive post, so I’ll save my rant about that for next time.

Side note:
So if I’m to be an artist, I should expect exhibitions to be a big part of my life. A solo show requires some sort of unity in the pieces to make any sense. This has kind of bothered me in the past; what can I paint that I wont get sick of?
One of the things I’m working on at the moment is an assemblage /interactive performance piece involving hoops…. So there’s my answer I thought! Hoops! I could paint and play with hoops all day for fifty years and not get bored!

Performance

One of the women I go to college with is a really amazing and passionate artist. Her background is in theatre and film and she’s kind of ‘taken this year off’ to get back into painting. Anyway, she’s written a play and she’s invited me to take part in it! You’ve got no idea how excited I am about this! And nervous…….
It’s a fairly confrontational piece about sexuality, violence and madness……
It will be very challenging. I’m really looking forward to it. Plus capioera is incorporated into the performance somehow, so we start that next week! I’m super excited about that! Especially since Catean talked it up so much……. The fact that it’s a male dominated activity can only be a plus for a single girl such as myself! ;)

So that concludes the recent adventures of my life. It’s an amazing progression from a few months ago and I chose to believe it can only get better from here! 8)

I'm still here. I'm just being very, very quite.

Preciousness do not suit me well......
Precious little princess needs a reality check! ;)

Had a meeting with mother nature, decided to co-ordinate outfits; grey skys and wet socks.
Normally nice, but the studio smelt like a bus full of wet dogs and I couldn't get any work done. So I ate chocolate and smoked cigarettes all day instead. Yes, it seems that I've taken up that habit again. What's going on there? Not too sure but I think I'll put it back down again once the skys clear.

Date:	Monday 6th October (03) 22:13
Subject:	Everything is going great and I feel poopy
Mood:	blah
Music:	rain on the roof top

We did our first market on the weekend . It went really well. We actually made a profit! I really wasn't expecting that to be honest; but considering that businesses are supossed to be profitable, that can only be considered a good thing!

The get out of bed at 4am thing is going to take a bit of getting used to though!

We've already lost a partner......Then there were three; one girl just stopped showing up. So she's obviously not interested; oh well, more money for us that way!