Because I'm a money-grabbing workaholic I didn't end up going out for drinks the other night. Ooo, the sticky little fingers of capitalism!

Really it has more to do with my inability to say "no, I'm busy."
Must work on this with diligence. I'm much better than I used to be. Not working 55 hr weeks anymore is an excellent start.

Seriously though, all work and no play makes Ginger a very dull girl (as they say). I feel dull already most of the time so I don't need to be adding to that by never seeing my friends or doing anything relaxing for myself.

I fall into obession really easily. Well, perhaps obession is too strong a word. But just as an example, when I was younger and learning to cook, I discovered that I was an excellent omlette maker. So I ate them every meal for about three weeks!

Last year, my flatmate taught me to knit, and I found myself sitting up until sunrise making scarves.

So I do it with work too. Say yes to every shift because I love my job (potential for burn out very high). I must learn pace, and the gentle art of saying "no" without feeling like I have to have some huge excuse, like someone died and I have to go to their funeral.

In other news, it's my birthday on Sunday. Hooray for me! I am not, and I repeat not, going to have a stupid little Couch Crisis like I usually do on my birthday.
A Couch Crisis goes something like this: "oh my god! I'm twenty-whatever and I don't even own a couch!" Followed by wondering if I should also be married, have a house/shares/2.5 children by now. It's dumb. Brain space should be used for good instead of evil!
Good like "hey! I've been on this planet for twenty-eight years; I've got some great friends, I'm reasonably happy and I can eat nachos whenever I like. Aren't I lucky?"

Little bit hung over today. I think there's something wrong with my brain... Not in a real sense of wrong; in a drama-queen everything-is-10-million-times-worse-than-it-actually-is sense of wrong.

I greeted one of my friends at seven in the morning on saturday with "So, how was your weekend?" He just looked at me funny and reminded me what day it was.

And today, until about ten minutes ago, I was convinced it was Sunday.

I think I need a transplant.

Hmmm... So, so tired today. Been working overnights not getting much sleep, then coming home and instead of sleeping like a sensible person, I listen to music and drink coffee.

Trying to kid myself that I have a life outside of work hours.

Date:	Friday 17th February (06) 20:32
Subject:	I'm the coolest!!!
Mood:	cheerful

It's Friday night and what am I doing?
Sitting in front of the computer, watching the winter olympics with the air conditioner on and drinking vodka.

By myself.

I'm so damn cool I hardly need climate control!

It really bugs me that the communities link doesn't work any more. It's sloppy.... But I'm not going to fix it cause I'm lazy.

Story of my life really... I remember having an epiphany walking past a vase of dead flowers. 'All my relationships are like this' I thought.

My boyfriend of the time used to buy me flowers whenever I'd confront him about anything. "Hey! I'm feeling neglected at the moment; can we spend some time together?" He'd change the subject and sure enough, whithin a couple days, I'd get flowers.
Fool that I am (or maybe artist that I am...yes. I like that much better) I'd go "oooo....so pretty!" and forget all about feeling lonely.

A vase of fresh flowers on the table is a beautiful thing; vibrant, alive. Blah, blah. All those descriptives. Then after awhile, the heads start to drop. Petals fall off. You have to clear up the mess left on the table. They turn from beauty to dried-up shrivel. The flowers really should be thrown out cause they're starting to smell like skanky swamp water, but the thing is, they used to be so lovely!
It's not until there's no trace of flower left at all that you accept their death and throw them out and return the vase to the cupboard.

I seem to hang on to my relationships hoping that I'll wake up one morning and walk out to a vase of beautiful flowers again.

Never happens.

Anyway... I don't know where I thought I was going with this, so like that old boyfriend, I'll change the subject.

I have a new job. well, new as in October of last year new. I'm a youth worker now, which is great. I really love it! I work with teenagers from disadvantaged backgrounds. I was going to have a little rant about it, but I might save that for a different day.
For now, it's enough to say that I'm doing something worthwhile and I like it. Hooray!

Coming back to this place like an old friend. I'm sitting in a different chair at my parents place again, just visiting this time, in a different State mind you, but still. things feel familiar....

I notice it's Claud's birthday. Happy Birthday! And just incase I miss it, Happy birthday to Steve too!

I'm not going to make any promises of regular updates this time. I supose age and experience breed realism? I don't know. I'm feel a bit cynical these days.

If you were to talk to me this time last year, I would have said "Everythings awesome! I'm getting married! Can you believe it?!!!"

Now I'm just blowing rasberries at the world in general. I hate that shit is never as it seems. And it makes me mad that promises aren't what they used to be.... I have to learn and accept that I control nothing in my life and never have.

Sounds a bit sad-sackish doesn't it? I'm not really though. I like stuff. I like things. I like some things better than I like some stuff. Generally, the world is a good place to be. Just don't talk to me about men pretending to feminists who believe in equality and think they can empathise with period pain, and we'll get along just fine....

As you can probably guess I'm feeling bitter. But I haven't had a ciggarette in two days so I think I'm aloud. Sorry none the less.

List of reasons to enjoy life:
I like people
the sun rises wether I'm up to enjoy it or not
red wine
rainbows
hooping
Terry Pratchett novels
ciggarettes
cigarettes
cigarettes
I don't smoke ciggarettes
Buffy
colours and paint brushes
hugs
music

That's all for now I think. I'll hit the update button and go check out my friends page; read a few things, consider witty, intellegent replies, not post them (due to shyness) and go to bed. :)

That update thing I was talking about? Well, this is the beginning of it.

Now that we have that established, maybe I can write something worth reading. Maybe. Thank you all who welcomed me back... It's nice to feel loved. Stay tuned for many sentences ending in....
(I do that a lot don't I?)

As I said before, I was having trouble thinking about where to start. So much has changed in my life! Some Fabulous, some good and some not so much. That's o.k though. If there was nothing but good, we'd forget it was good at all don't you think?

I wrote a long time ago (I've been reviewing my Blurty life; I really can't spell!) about yin and yang and how if you're balanced and consolidated, there'd be no reason to exist. Life is all about the questions you ask. Does that make sense? It sounded really good the last time I wrote it anyway. ;)

I was considering leaving Blurtonia forever since I haven't updated in about a million years; actually, I think it's more like 15 weeks, but I'm not really counting...

Anyway, then there's the question of what to write and where to begin since my life's changed so much since I last wrote. And I just found myself feeling a little overwhelmed.

Just breaking the silence is a good start I supose.

I feel like I've been busy, busy, busy... But I don't think I have been really. Uni stuff and what have you. Oh, and of course that love thing...

I've spent more time on the phone in the last month than I have in my entire life! I'm sure my bill is going to be absoloutely rediculous, but I'm not worrying about that right now. Besides, whatever it is, it's (he's, actually) worth it.

But because of that, my plan now is to move to Newcastle. Maybe as soon as within the month! I'm really excited about it! Not only will I get to actually see my partners face when I speak to him (which is reason enough on its own) but Newcastle is just a really cool place. Apparently, more artists per capita live there than anywhere else in Australia. So if you know me at all, it's easy to see why I'd dig it.

This means switching universities though. I'm kind of sad about that. I'm just beginning to really enjoy myself there. I was pretty resistant to the whole thing at first. But I embraced the change and am now discovering all sorts of wierd things about my practice.

For one thing, I've found that I enjoy mixing paint a whole lot more than actually applying it to things. Mixing is a joy; painting is work!

I've been making things out of crap I find laying around lately. Door mats, fly swats, spoons... It's all a lot of fun, but I don't know if I'd call it art. Whatever it is, it's all good (in a wankish post-modernist way).

Isn't post-modernism wanky? I think so anyway. By definition, it doesn't exist. Modern is now, post is after. So unless you come from the future... It just doesn't make any kind of sense.

But then, is time linear?

It's too late in my day to be philosophising. I think I might come back to that one later... But, if anyone out there can explain post-modernism to me in a way that I'll understand it, I'd apprieciate it.

I gotta go sleep.

If there's any spelling mistakes up there, just put it down to... bad spelling I supose. (and laziness)

'Night!

I've been struck by love, or at least something similar. I think it's too early to tell, but I'm certainly leaning.

I didn't talk about it much here because I didn't want to give myself away (or something), but remember how I went camping on new years? Well, my friend from high school invited one of his friends along, and since we met we've been exchanging e-mails on a fairly regular basis. I thought I sensed a kind of 'thing' happening between us, but I wasn't too sure.

So I've just spent the last week down in Newcastle visiting him to find out. That kind of 'thing' I felt really was A Thing. I don't know if it's The Thing...... I'm not even sure if I really believe that The Thing exists (although I hope it does.) Anyway, the point I'm getting at is, this guy is amazing. And fabulous. And........

There's a little problem though. Newcastle is about 9 hours drive away! I've done the long distance relationship thing before, so I understand that it's really hard work. Considering that we're both students (which as most know generally equals poor) and he doesn't drive, it makes it a little harder. At least we get holidays at the same time, so that's a plus. And he's definitely worth it. Did I mention he's amazing?

Anyway, I'll talk more about this later... It's dinner time.

I hate the way that artists always refer to everything as a 'space'. Used sparingly, the term is fine...... but when it's applied to hallways and bathrooms it gets a little old.

"This is my bathroom space; I use it to create!"

We have cubicles at uni. We're aloud to do anything we want with them. So, to have a little joke with myself, I've painted "a space" on one of the walls. No one else gets it of course, even if they did, I doubt they'd think it was funny. But that's not the point.

I'm already making digs and I've been there for less than two weeks. Art jargon annoys me, and my art helps me to get over it.


I'm feeling stupid today. Inarticulate. I'm sure it will pass. I'm just not feeling comfortable in my surroundings (yet); all my words are getting stuck somewhere between my brain and my mouth. Right now, if I were compile a 'Dictionary of Gingers Vocabulary' I think it would be about ten small pages long. O.K. Make that eight.

My life is a surrealist painting....
Either that, or Duchamps 'Bride Stripped Bare'.... All the better for having been broken

University seems to be running relatively smoothy. I think it'll take a few weeks before I'm truely settled in, but I kind of expected that.

I'm so used to being spoon fed my education. Either that, or doing it totally on my own. It's the in between stuff I'm not too sure of. I like the social aspect of formalised teaching but really, I'd rather be self directed. Pity I can't give myself a degree.

I think I just hate having to leave the house before 7am.

I've chosen a multi-media class that I'm feeling really inspired by. My tutor seems to be a funky sort of guy, so that really helps I guess. Plus there's thousands of dollars worth of equipment in that particular room, so the air-con is kick ass! In this climate, that's got to be worth a few points for sure!

I'm updating for the sake of it, which is bad. It means I ramble. My neighbour had a wine tasting night........ three 'paragraphs' have taken me what feels like a million years!

I should go.

On the first day, I drove to uni (which I wont do anymore cause parking sucks some major something) about a half an hour early. I knew I'd need to sit in my car for about twenty minutes, talking myself into it........

I rolled a cigg, took a few deep (smoke-filled) breaths before gathering up my stuff and getting out of the car. It was at this point that I turned, and ever so elegantly, slammed my thumb in the door as hard as I could!

Rivers (complete with rapids and whirlpools) of blood cascaded from under my nail, while I stood trying not to faint!

I'm generally not a very practical person, but for some reason I just happened to have some band-aids in the car. (Thank-you universe!) Lucky; I'm almost positive I would have died of blood loss otherwise. So I quickly wrapped my pulverized digit and limped off to class.....

Welcome to university!

I've been trying to write about uni since Tuesday. It's turned out to be harder than giving birth. Yeah, I've never actually done that, but I imagine it's kinda tricky......

It's not the actual going that's bothering me. I can't figure out if any of it is really bothering me at all. It's just a little surreal I suppose.

For years now, I've been fighting against the whole 'university experience.' My parents had decided before I was even born, that I was destined for university life and a career of greatness (or at least a career). That's why I'm an only child. That's why I was never aloud to have a job during high school. I needed to concentrate on study.

But then I foiled their plans in a big way by dropping out of high school early to gain what I affectionately like to call 'Life Experience.' In retrospect, it wasn't the best decision I could have made. But it was my decision, and that's what mattered at the time. I still don't regret that. I've learned a lot since then, and as a result, developed coping skills that I never would have otherwise.

I was a freak in high school; especially towards the end there. Emotionally, I was a mess. Friends would say hello and I'd burst into tears. I was such a perfectionist and I was failing. That was my worst nightmare. So I dropped out instead of getting help. I made the mistake of believing that if I asked for help I'd be admitting weakness and that it would kill me!

I've gotten much better at asking for help and 'fessing up' to the fact that I don't know everything before I learn it. So my life experience has been worth it in that respect. I think that if I had continued onto university straight out of high school, I would have failed. What an expensive mistake that would have been!

So anyway, my point was, there's a whole lot of background info bubbling away under my feelings about university. All that aside, living in the Here and Now, I'm excited about it. I know it will change my life. The Ginger of 2006 will look back on the Ginger that I am now, affectionately shaking her head and rejoicing in how far she's come.

I love it when people read to eachother.....

THIS IS THE MOST UNIQUE SURVEY YOU WILL EVER TAKE.

Never mind the hair color, favourite movie, most embarrassing moment questions; here are some real different ones. Highlight everything, copy and paste, change the answers, and forward this to as many people as you can. And remember to send it back to the one who sent it to you!

( Forty-three Questions )

I hate the smell of band-aids.

I've got new icons and am in the middle of a colour change.....

The icons are details from work done by Jeff Soto. He's got some great stuff, go check him out.

Uni starts tomorrow.

Here's the deal. Open up your media player and grab all the songs you have on your computer. Randomise it. Write down the first 20, no matter how embarrassing they are.
Stolen from about 35% of the blogging population! Special mention goes to asparagus and
anorthernsoul

1. Sister Awake (remix) – The Tea Party
2. Zia – The Bees
3. Don’t Push – Sublime
4. Bouncing Around the Room – Phish
5. Dry the Rain – The Beta Band
6. Caberet – Doch
7. This Town – The Bees
8. Pushit – Tool
9. You’ve got her in Your Pocket – The White Stripes
10. Spring – John Butler Trio
11. Lover, You Should Have Come Over – Jeff Buckley
12. Crush – Smashing Pumpkins
13. ‘Tis of Thee – Ani Difranco
14. Luna y Sol – Manu Chao
15. Cleaning out my Closet – Eminem
16. You Turn the Screws – Cake
17. Influx – DJ Shaddow
18. Soulshine – Michael Franti and Spearhead
19. Am I High – N*E*R*D (ft. Malice)
20. Mentira – Manu Chao

Considering some of the crud I've got floating around on my computer, this turned out quite nicely really.....

About a year or so ago, I decided that I wasn't having children. Ever. I worked with kids with special needs from the age of eighteen to twenty-one, the last year of that in the two/three year old room at a childcare center.

Spending five days a week in a room with thirty small children all clamouring to get their needs met, wears you down after a while.

"Miss Giiiiiingerrrrrrrrr, He just hiiit meeeeeee"

"Miss Ginger, I need to go to tha toiiiiilet"

"I can't tie my shooooes"

Condense and layer, make them one and that was my life. Somehow, my name had stretched into seven sylables!

I love kids though, really I do. I used to be the kind of person who was useless if there was a kid in the room. All I wanted to do was play.

I turned from that, into 'yeah sure, your kid's cute but can you get it off me now?' I liked to watch them play in the park from my car window (as I'm driving; not parked behind the bushes!)or shopping with their mothers at the supermarket, but beyond that...Nothin'.

Sad really. But that all changed today. I saw a new born baby that made me cry he was so adorable. I didn't even know his parents! I'll have to process this a bit more I think.........

Oh, guess what?

I picked up my student card.... and didn't die!