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[18 Jan 2005|09:12pm] |
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are you there?
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[18 Jan 2005|09:03pm] |
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you know
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| we grow up fast. |
[18 Jan 2005|05:19pm] |
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mood |
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 quixotic |
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music |
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swiss army romance |
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you can live like there isn't any God
but you'd better be sure you're right
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| my head is spinning, dizzy. |
[18 Jan 2005|10:42am] |
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why is it that i stay up so late to do nonsense things (with a few sensical things shoved in there) and make it hard to get up for a noon o'clock class?
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| just stirring my coffee |
[18 Jan 2005|01:35am] |
i was just listening to the bartender song by dave matthews, which i think is an amazing song. it makes me think a lot though. i guess it is good because it pays tribute to the native americans and the struggle they had from the english and the early american settlers. it's an amazing way to show that it happened and it is a past event, but i guess i just have no concept of that time period or the struggles and pain.
in the end of the live version, dave talks about how we should all take responsibility for that and have a guilty feeling for what happened. i can't. i refuse. he said, "we did this to them." no we didn't. it was a group of people hundreds of years before this land was even a country that struck against that group of people. i don't know why i'm annoyed by this. i guess i just feel like the past is the past. it's historical. i'm not going to be feeling guilty about something that other people had done. it wasn't in my name, but in their own name that they did such horrible things. i feel sorry for their greed, but i don't feel guilty about it.
why do people hold such guilt (white folk) or anger (native americans)? i know that obviously most people don't, but their are people on reservations who are still angry. i don't know their circumstances, but things cannot be how they were four hundred years ago. their lives would have changed at some point, and besides, it wasn't their lives that changed, but their ancestor's lives.
in thinking about this, i think of september 11th. at this point, i get angry when americans bring this up with such continued hatred towards iraqi people. to me, this is similar. september 11th was three point four years ago. i understand the heartache, but i don't understand the hatred. and it wasn't IRAQ. it was choice people from the middle east who chose to do horrific things. the circumstances are hugely different and the pain is drastically complex in each situation, but i don't want people now, let alone three hundred years from now singing about september 11th and saying they feel guilty or hurt or angry or anything. let people just forgive and remember.
am i shallow in all this? i feel like i'm wanting to say something that i can't explain. i might be out of line, but yeah. everyone just needs to love. no more hate, no more grudges, no guilt, anger, resentment. love!
is that so hard?
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[17 Jan 2005|10:44am] |
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words seem quite superfluous today.
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| there ain't no tricks on the radio... |
[16 Jan 2005|11:56pm] |
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so yay! i feel like i'm going every direction at once.
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| there ain't no tricks on the radio... |
[16 Jan 2005|11:56pm] |
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so yay! i feel like i'm going every direction at once.
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| there ain't no tricks on the radio... |
[16 Jan 2005|11:55pm] |
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so yay! i feel like i'm going every direction at once.
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[15 Jan 2005|06:28pm] |
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this picture you see is nothing like the one i wanted painted of me.
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| we don't have much room to live. |
[15 Jan 2005|03:53pm] |
i started going through old folders on my computer and deleting things that were unimportant, i.e. com 114 speeches or 'high school stuff'. i don't know why i was holding onto it. it's so funny. i was such a different person. this was in one of my english essays freshman year.
"I have had so many opportunities to “find God,” but I really just don't want to. I think God wants us to be free thinkers. The church seems like a cult to me."
wow. i was cool people. that was from august 2002. it's so amazing the change i feel in my heart only two and a half years later. ahh. wow. life was so different then.
okay, i must go. i want to continue to be a bum! yay!
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| she's got it all figured out but she'll cry 'cause she didn't want to know |
[15 Jan 2005|09:41am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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the songs in my head |
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three hours isn't enough sleep. there's much to do and no time to do it and no passion to do what is needed to be done. my life feels like a maze right now and i kind of feel lost.
so many thoughts, so little time to tell you anything. some of my words are meant to be blurty-ized anyway.
i love (insert your name here). i hope to make you feel special and loved regardless of the day...valentine's day is over thankfully. now the rest of the normal year can begin where love is given and received freely. thanks to heaven for that!
my days are blurring together...
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| drink the water...drink it down. |
[15 Jan 2005|04:50am] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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phil collins in denny's |
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today was valentine's day. well, i guess at this point it's after valentine's day. it's now tuesday february fifteenth. days are seeming to run together recently. i think it is because of my new schedule of events. continually living my life until 5 in the morning then waking up at 9 or 10 or noon and staying up until 5 in the morning the next day. it is definitely not upsetting, but exhausting none-the-less.
valentine's day is one of my least favorite days. i guess i feel upset by it not based on whether or not i have someone, but because of the impact that it has on so many other singles or even couples for another matter. singles are either empowered or dejected by a single day. many couples are either forced together or pouring all of their love into a single day (or for some, valentine's day brings up hostility and anger instead of anything positive). february fourteenth. a day which changes the happiness of the united states simply by appearing on the calendar. if only everyone knew that every day is as much about love and happiness and beauty and the perfection of love and life. the interest in this single day seems too much. i just use it as another reason to give my closests gifts of my love...but please accept gifts of my love more days than just this one. love and appreciation aren't contained to mid-february.
love today...love always...happy day...happy life...
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| counting to 100 |
[15 Jan 2005|01:41am] |
sometimes you can be sitting amongst people wanting to be alone and then once they leave be sitting alone wanting to be amongst people. why is that? sometimes silence drives me nuts, yet sometimes i can't stand the noise of anything.
is it too far fetched for me to just enjoy every moment? the negative influences around me say that i will never know happiness without also knowing the moments of sadness, anger, and depression. i sit in wonderment about this a lot, knowing that God has said that there will be a time for sadness, but shouldn't we also feel positive in these moments of distress simply because of grace and love?
obviously, my questions yield not answers, but more questions and perhaps i will never know the answers to any of this. i just get caught up. i am told that there will be unhappy days of my life, but i don't understand why that is.
i am currently quite positive. i just question why this feeling can't last for all my life instead of having the chance of disappearance tomorrow or the next. life is too short to be bitter.
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| clarification: |
[14 Jan 2005|08:34pm] |
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when i said, "i hate men" i meant, "i am currently angry about my obsession with men." there was a little confusion about this. i hope this will help!
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| comfortable about the world... |
[14 Jan 2005|09:06am] |
things are good. happy valentine's day. i know valentine's day is lame, but i like it none-the-less.
love you all. till then...
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| i don't know what is going on. |
[14 Jan 2005|12:25am] |
i feel like i'm running around in circles. everything seems to click into place and then click out of place almost instantly. i love it but don't know which direction is correct. it's so exciting. ya'll think i'm crazy, but it's one of those times in my life where things make perfect sense because they may no sense whatsoever.
do you ever wonder if you really are making an impact on someone? i wish i could tell. some times i feel like i'm talking to myself around this person and i can't quite tell if they care at all if i had my lips moving. i don't know.
also. i hate men. i am in this sudden stage where i don't feel like i want anybody, but then i get random guys who mess with my minds. those of you who have broken my heart or disappointed me in the past, leave me alone. i just don't understand. i have a friend who continually disappoints me. i never look at him as anything of a date or the object of my affection like i used to, but yet he still continues to act interested and wanting to do thing. i just doing understand why he is so insistent on disappointing me. i don't know. but other guys...ahhh...i am so easily distracted by them and i don't even know what about some of them is so intriguing. i'm currently very intrigued by one in particular. there is nothing about him that is remotely common to myself, yet, ahh, i can't stop. i need to, but this is like my biggest struggle. i say "this is my biggest struggle" about a lot of things, but i mean it about this. i should be patient.
i am not doing well in my calculus class. i feel like an old fart who knows nothing because i haven't seen a math problem in two years. blah.
i need to finish homework and such.
movie night tomorrow?
till then...
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| i am a big loser. |
[13 Jan 2005|05:52pm] |
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Katie
2. Kate
3. Kathryn (very exciting, i know)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. ziletak
2. princesskt02
3. whoabus
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. i'm easily amused
2. i get along with most people
3. i'm smarter than i look
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. i procrastinate
2. i don't read the Bible enough
3. i spend too much money
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. english
2. dutch
3. belgian
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. being alone for the rest of my life
2. being mauled by rabid coyotes
3. losing faith
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. tooth brush and tooth paste
2. music
3. friends/family
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. glasses
2. passion 05 bracelet
3. warm pants because it's snowing out and i had to walk home in the cold
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1. david crowder band
2. gavin degraw
3. rufus wainwright
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment):
1. rufus wainwright "the art teacher"
2. remy zero "fair"
3. counting crows "anna begins"
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. learn the guitar
2. be super on time to everything
3. not crying in sappy movies
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. faith
2. love
3. happiness
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. i threw up when scuba diving and was attacked by fish.
2. i had my picture taken with the naked cowboy in ny.
3. i was in a plane crash when i was 14 on the way to florida.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. teeth
2. height (i'm tall, i can't help it)
3. wardrobe
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. fart in front of boys
2. kill an animal
3. be straight up mean
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. listen to music/concerts
2. be crafty
3. read (i'm a big nerd all of the sudden)
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. get my homework done in a hurry
2. eat
3. game night!
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. pharmacist
2. therapist
3. shoe designer
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. cairo
2. italia
3. london
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. get married and have kids
2. pay back my parents for all they've done
3. be in a workout video
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL/BOY:
1. i want to be taken care of
2. i cry at sappy movies
3. i like boys?!
THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. adam duritz
2. billy crudup
3. topher grace
i know you're all excited i did that! :)
i'll write more about my life later.
goodnight. good evening really...
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[13 Jan 2005|11:04am] |
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i bought shakespeare's 'as you like it' last summer because i thought i needed to become more literated with a vast sense of knowledge. yesterday, i used it to help betsy hold her door in place as she put it back on the hinges. yes!
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[12 Jan 2005|01:54pm] |
letting my life fall into place, but allowing it to take its time because i know that everything i need (and some things that i just want) will come to me in due time; and the reasons for the past, present, and future will be revealed to me when i am ready to understand. of course none of this will happen simultaneously, and there will be moments of frustration and anxiousness, but when it is all said and done, and i am looking back on my life i will smile, knowing how perfectly harmonized the chaos really was.
(credit is given to lacey mac, although i don't know if these are her words or she stole them from someone else).
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