Saturday, January 17th, 2004
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1:52 pm - la la la
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been so long. i'm almost afraid to post anymore because i know who reads this and i'm always afraid i'll say the wrong thing. oh well. i have nothing to say now either. imagine that.
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Thursday, December 25th, 2003
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11:14 am - no merry xmas to you!
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i refuse to 'merry christmas' beacuse it always ends up negatively. yes, i'm updating and i'm waiting to get presents. i like presents. presents are good. does this make me materialistic? it's ok if i does, i can accept it. so...yeah. i've got nothing to say really. all my other friends with blurties don't update so why should i? why do i post my life on the net anyway?
current mood: need a smoke
current music: (the tv's on)
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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
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4:31 pm - ramble
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this entry is being written as i hi-jack my grandparentals computer. i really have nothing important to say or write. i just got bored. boredom leads to ramblings and ramblings equal "oh shit, did i really write that??", so i'll try to keep this rambnle short.
i'm short. i know some guys who are short. don't think dirty thoughts, i was talking about their height. from top to bottom. you know, height (the stuff i don't have). god this is lame. i quit. i'll never write again!!
current mood:  amused
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Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
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2:09 pm - beauty
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been awhile and maybe things are changing for the better. this being sick of being sick thing has started to work. with the exception of yesterday- i did ok. it's been a month since i last cut myself. that's a big fucking deal for me and no one seems to realize.
beauty and lack of seems to cloud my thoughts more so than usual. it's just that i'm not made of sillicone or plastic. i don't wear cake on my eyelids or foudation all the way down my neck. i'm not 5'10 with sleek arms, i'm 5 feet with my happy pudge and orange flavored lip gloss. how is it that someone can find beauty in the false female? i just realized i don't even know how to spell "silicone"- is that how you spell it? erk.
i realized today that i don't really have friends. i have maybe 2 or 3 people that i actually talk to on a weekly basis. it's odd to suddenly realize i'm all alone. i should stop writing before i force myself to be down again.
other news- i'm officially out of school. i'm a highschool drop out or seomthign liek it. i start collgege in the spring. it's weird, i just decided i didn't want to go to school anymore so now i don't. i have to test out with my GED (does that sound like i'm stupid cause i worry about that). oh well. i'm done typing. i wanna go smoke out my brains now.
current mood:  bored
current music: "china girl"--david bowie
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Thursday, November 27th, 2003
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1:50 pm - crap.
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happy turkey day.
i made a revelation. my blurty sucks. i suck. i come off as an attention whore and for that i want to die a bit. so i'll just shut up and not talk anymore since im drving myself and everyone madder than they are.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: (the washing machine)
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Wednesday, November 26th, 2003
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10:04 am - drop out
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i feel like a beauty school dropout. i'm not in school and for once in my life i feel like i need to be productive. i need to work for a cause and so far that's not happening. oh well. ill write more later.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: "my united states of whatever"
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, November 22nd, 2003
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12:04 pm - look mommy, i'm a whore!
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11:50 am - i finally updated
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god, it's ben too damn long. i'm feeling better lately than i have in years. i don'twant to think that it's the drugs making me feel this way but i can't even care abut that anymore. risperdol at 2 mgs a day seems to do the trick. no one told me that an average dose is 1/2 mg. i feel like a huge fat man than needs more meds than the average person due to body size. anyway, enough of that shit. i'm out of the hopital and am now going to partial programming during the day. i just realized that no one really gives a shit if i just got out of the psych ward except for myself. i feel free even if i was less than a week. maybe third time will be a charm and i'll goback again sometime.
in other radom news:
i went shopping and found a shirt marked down from $40 to $4. super eh? i should get a prize for that.i also made a vow not to cut my hair until it's past my shoulders. let's see how long i can keep this up.
3rd final random news: anything herbal rocks my sox off. after visitng old tyme herbs and getting a 'scar bar' remedy that fades scars, i feel obsessed. (they're fading more now than theyhave in years. eep!
i'm gonna go spoil myself by looking a things i want for christmas and make a list. oh, 'i'm a loser baby so why don't ya kill me.'
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Saturday, November 1st, 2003
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2:59 am - fat cops
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the first of the month. it's the beginning! wootaloo. well i hate cops because they like to take away my weed on halloween night and then tell me my license will be suspended and i'll have a hefty fine. stupid fat donut mongers ( *sad face* hey, i'm a stupid fat donut monger minus the stupid part).
i miss hannah and im scared to call her. why am i such a loser? i miss lance and he has my weed and he seems to not like me much these days. i'm gonna stop complaining now and write something else.
soooo....um, it's the first of the month. a whole new month. um, yeah. i'm a horrible person for making promises i can't keep.
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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
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12:01 pm - another little night at the ER
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well well well. i'm alive.
split a box of cough and cold's with nathan and ended up in the hospital. i was just trying to trip, not kill myself. maggie called david and he called 911 because i was crying and shaking and didn't know what was going on. apparently o ne of those pills will fuck you up and i had 8. 8 isn't a lot but it's enough to make you unable to tell if your standing or laying down. i'm on 24 hour watch b/c of my meds. i didn't think it would affect my regular meds when i did it- that's why i don't drink. oh well. now i'm all bruised up (both hands and arms) from drawing blood and getting an i.v. there's also sticky stuff that's impossible to get off from those damn EKG pads.
the mental health associate told me "don't do drugs- just smoke a little pot". he was the coolest black man i've ever met.
i'm a bit grounded and i have to pay my emergency room bill, ambulence ride, and any other costs from the evening.
what fun.
moral of the story: smoke weed if you wanna get high.
and if lancelot is reading this journal: i'm so sorry, i'm ok and i hope you're doing better as well.
current mood:  drained
current music: rev 22:20 -- puscifer
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Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
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12:08 pm - ramble ramble jello spoon
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i havn't posted in a while and maybe too much has happened for me to even bother posting. i'm living off of sugar free jell-o (only 10 calories per cup!) and water. occasionally i'll eat 'a apple' (not to be confused with 'aN apple') for a little cariety too.
PSATs were today. i slept in til 9 and missed the beginning of them. i just love getting 2 hours of sleep a night.
hopefully i'll actually finish my test when i take the actual SATs.
downer note: i cut again. i hadn't at all since i dated nathan and i thought maybe there was some correlation in that but i dunno. i feel so guilty for being around lance with nathan but i'm sick of hiding. i'm also sick of hurting everyone. i talked to hannah finally and she isn't pissed at me but her blurty kinda sounds otherwise. i'd be pissed at me if i were her. for chrissakes, why do people love me? it's so frustrating and yet i know i couldn't be without it. i should find something better to complain about.
something better to complain about: highschool. if you got to get high at school, i'd go more. i want out of school. it's so repititious and sickly.
this spoon tastes really good. it's all flavorfull like a lollipop.
--today's stats--
current weight:116 lbs.
highest weight:140 lbs.
lowest weight: 115 lbs.
goal weight: 75 lbs.
why i give a damn: because i'm pathetic
alISON is poISON. wootaloo!
"are you my concience? hey concience, am i dead?" -finding nemo
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Sunday, October 12th, 2003
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2:09 am
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ok so i'm gonna stop with the quizzes if i can. i don't think anyone really cares about them anyway. i'm back from canada (yay for theater) and now sit patiently at my computer at 2 am as if someone's gonna sign on and save my life.
yeah, and if i get another love letter, i'm gonna carve "love bites" on my forehead. i can't take this guilt anymore. i feel like i'm eating rocks.
current mood:  cranky
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Sunday, October 5th, 2003
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12:45 pm - hell.
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hmm, found something interesting online...
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
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12:26 pm - you can dance if you want to...
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took another quiz:
My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?
yeah, so i hate school dances and i think heather and i are gonna start a broken hearts club (not quite like the movie for those of you on my rainbow sites). ended the night by getting a little too high and putting on a light show with my incense stick out in the woods. i remember freaking out too- i got so scared when everyone got in the car because i suddenly went into blair witch mode. i swear that shit had to be laced because i was seeing cats running all over the place and i never trip like that and i don't hallucinate that much.
i still am w/o license- doctor, therapist, and mom teamed up and took it away. now i think i'm worse off than i was before. well damn.
current mood: bored
current music: "fool on the hill" by the beatles (in my head)
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Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
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10:09 am - just got home
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i've need better sense of time.
i al doomed to never know what the time is for the the rest of time. hmm, yessuh-um.
my mom is threatening me with the thought of wearing a watch.
i won't do it.
i think i have found my new love.
mmmm tazoberry. i wonder if you could mix up a little lithium in a tazo and even taste it...don't think so. it'd be the ultimate happy drink.
why do i think such things?
heather made me a crack monkey. i have nice friends. i made pants for the monkey (he was looking kinda loose and such) and we all sang for it during class. then we got kicked out. silly teachers need to get priorities straight.
i wish it was pirate day again. i like high cheek bones. i'm going to make a high cheek bone club. you're not allowed because you're ugly. ha.
wow, i think i'm still tazoed on tazoberry (yes, yesterday was a bad day so i hit the coffe shop. you know how it is.)
i should go to school. i just realized i'm skipping. bad girl *hits hand* ouch. damnit.
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Sunday, September 14th, 2003
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12:03 pm - catch her before it's too late!
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i took out the link from my aim profile. not sure what that sudden urge was.
i also visited hergy. he was still bouncing. i swear be never stops. it's so weird.
my left boob still hurts form surgery. i get the suchers out on the 17th. i don't know what day it is, so i don't know how soon that will be. i could look up and find out, hold on...*intermission*...hey, that's 3 days! yay!...yeah, i keep thinking my nipples are gonna fall off.
typical teenagers go around like, "oh i hope so and so likes me, i don't wanna fail that test, stupid mom!" and i'm over here like "my stepdad needs to clean his pipe out after he gets high because it's smelling up the house, holy shit! my nipple is falling off!!, why are my pubes blue? am i an alien?".
i guess thinking that my self existance being a bit strange doesn't really count for much.
other people thinking that i'm strange is either typical or rare (they usually think i'm autisitic or a columbine shooter or something). but uh, what else is there besides typical or rare? well done?
i kinda like caterpillars. they're cute.
current mood:  mellow
current music: "labcoat girl" --freezepop
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Saturday, September 13th, 2003
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1:04 am - where for art thou hergy?
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i miss hergy...
if you don't know who hergy is then you are not a true blurty follower and will have to scroll through my entries to find the bouncing disco blob. he is my pet blob. i miss him. his name is hergy. he dances.
current music: the hergy song
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12:51 am - ramblings and regrets?
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i'm not sure what i'm doing.
i linked my blurty in my aim profile not sure what would come of it but far and few have caught on yet that's still few.
but do i want this seen? it's not a fucking guestbook. it's shitty pseudo 'art' i've had going since i died. do i give a shit? no. i never really care when it comes to this stuff. first comes the attention whore accusations. then comes the sympathy. then comes the fights.
no one reads this shit anyway.
people only read what they want. or if their name is involved.
i can do names.
i must be a wannabe computer geek cause i'll never know enough about computers as lance. that's okay though because lance is in love with me and everyone knows this. yay lance! lancelot is my hippie little knight that isn't a really a hippie at all. i'm thinking he secretly has a thing for indie rock music and won't admit it. he's a lesbian too. seriously. most guys say that but he really is only attracted to lesbians. it's a sad tale and leaves him lonely. if you were a man that loved a woman who only loved women, you'd probably be a computer geek too. that's why he's started going for bi chicks. i wanna hook him up with a real fat man.
current mood:  weird
current music: "next whiskey bar"-- the doors
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Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
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9:16 am - "the myth of sanity" vs."you're not crazy"
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lance came up last night. we spent an hour driving around looking for the goodamn meijers so i could get a cd and i swear the store had to of moved.
rather amusing though when we were on this little road and we needed to get back onto a main road to find it and i said "we need to get on a big road!" and then low and behold we found one and the street name was "bigger road". i thought i was gonna scream. it was like one of those creepy sci-fi movies where the monster comes out from behind the building and then your best friend turns into a spider while your crying on their shoulder. something like that.
so i didn't get the cd but i learned a little more about my city. i guess. i dunno- i was little out of it. i think.
but that might of all been my dream.
except i know lance came up. he took me to denny's. that much is true. wow, i'll just stop now before hurt myself trying to make sense of all this. i'm not even on any drugs this time and i can't even figure shit out.
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Monday, September 8th, 2003
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1:12 pm - someone else butchered me up this time!
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well i managed to crawl out of my room and into the basement to make a post. hurrah.
i'm seeping blood and puss out of all the crevacies of my breasts and the stitches feel like they're going to fall out anytime i move my arms which makes it difficult to read. so now i have a smaller chest and i can actually sit upright. crazy eh? i went from a 36F to a 34C. but it's a cute perky C. what the hell do i care? i just wanted my back to stop hurting. insurance covered it anyways.
so i'm out of school for a week *slight grimmace*
as for the social life- everyone suddenly is or wants to visit me while i'm 'bed ridden' from surgury. this is a new adjustment for me and i don't know how i'm doing with it really except that my room smells like flowers and my cat likes to eat daisies.
i dunno, i need another vicadin before this one starts wearing off.
current mood: sore/doped up
current music: (none/the washing mashine)
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