YuYu's Blurty

Subject:	Choking to death on my own angst
Time:	8:40 am.
Mood:	indescribable.
Music:	"Peace Frogs"~ The Doors.

..I'm out of school for a stomach ache, but it's mostly a mental health day that I need something desperate.

I've never been so scared. Joe's usually so kind and warm, but yesterday he wasn't. He was the person who dumped me for Cait. He was cold and sterile about what happened. I'm so bad at saying how I feel, and usually he's kind of goofy about it, but when he get's like that, his tongue is like a knife.

I've never had my heart beat that fast or hard in my eintire life. I screwed up. It's my fault. I know it, I apologized. I was so happy yesterday just to be with him in school towards the end. It's not my place to be kissing him. He's not a cheater, and I have no fucking right to be turning him into one like that.

"Your dream is not my reality" sounds more like something I'd have said a year ago than anything I could ever imagine hearing from Joe. Dreams are never reality, they are taking the past and present and picturing a better future. Dreams are irrational. If I made every decision rationaly, I wouldn't be talking about this right now.

But I know I wouldn't trade all this pain and all these tears so that I could go back and never meet him. I'm so happy that I got to know him, no matter what ends up happening, I'll be glad forever.

When I feel asleep last night, that was my only relief from those thoughts, for a brief moment when I woke up, I'd forgotten what had happened, and I was almost happy, until I remember that it wasn't a dream. I wish I was better at speaking. When I thought about it, I could have made things better by saying a few more things that weren't as dumb as "why, What do you mean and what."

Above all, I want him to be happy. I can't lie and say that I wouldn't die to have him back, but I really want him to be together with the person that he loves most. I can't see Caitlin in my postion, and I respect her in that way. She has so much self confidence, so much self respect. She wouldn't ever let herself get into this, she wouldn't let her self get stepped on like this. I didn't mean anything by the kiss in that way, I wanted to show that I was trying to have the same self confidence that I've never had to begin with, along with the fact that I want to be near him. I can't push things like that, I'm not in charge. I can't just do whatever I want anymore and act like a little child. I've got to grow up and handle this like an adult.

He questioned my hope and motives, which are the only things I have left. I mean, without hope right now, I'd be an even bigger mess than I am. I can't imagine life without hope. I don't care how stupid or irrational my ideas are, this is one of the few situations were I really believe in my emotions and thoughts. Yesterday was a big mistake, It was a something kindergarteners do. But regardless of what he says, or what he does, I just can't seem to get mad at him, or not love him. I think I really came to understand that last night. When he said we shouldn't be friends anymore, I was about to panic. I knew from the beginning that'd I do something to screw this up AGAIN. And I did. I'm so stupid.

I just hope he forgives me for this, and that he doesn't completely ignore me. I know i've said it before but I've fully come to realize how much I really love him, and how happy just spending 5 minutes talking to him makes me. I don't care if I'm 2nd best to Cait or 1000th, as long as I get to be there for him when he needs me, which isn't often or ever, and as long as I get to talk to him occasionally.

I'm going to go sleep.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	ORGANS!
Time:	4:42 pm.
Mood:	bitchy.
Music:	Fall Behind Me~ The Donnas.

Argh the most horrible day ever....well of this month?...i dunno I WISH I HAD LEGS LIKE STEFANIE :(

'GO JAIMIE GO LAURA"S GOT A HOT MUFFIN IN THE OVEN FOR YOU!"
1. Woke up late
2. I could see my breath in my room
3. I didn't have pants to wear
4. Had to wear crap torn ones
5. Realized I didn't do my homework
6. Did homework
7. Watched them make out
9. Hair a mess
10. Hmmm stomach ache?
11. Think, hey I get to see joe smile, but I say hey and he walks right by
12. Cried about 11
13. Realized I have a hole in my pants, but i guess an up is that I have pretty underwear on
14. Realize I have my period
15. Cramps
16. Changing in the gym into my track clothes
17. Getting mooned by Will's Brother ((NOT SHAWN))
18. Running Track
19. Getting yelled at by dad
20. Getting yelled at by Laura.

I'm officially one big hormonal pile of fluff. and my palms hurt from pushups. Someone please hold me

Quote of the day:

OMG I WOULD SO HAVE SEX WITH JOE RIGHT NOW IN THAT CLASS ROOM, ON THAT TABLE IN THESE GYM CLOTHES!! ~<3 ~ Kayla :3 Oh my, how humble of me.

Now that I'm getting to know her
Part of me want's to show her
Who she's really doing over
Cause she's got nothin real
Taking everything she can steal
Just like it was her last meal
How long is she gonna be around
And how long do we have to watch her dumbin' down
Cause when its cheap it fades fast
And how long does she think its gonna last

Comments: Add Your Own.