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The Early November x I want to hear you sad |
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I don't want anyone to read this and to think, "oh my god, she's so sad" 'cause I'm really not. I just have a lot of thoughts in my head that need to get the hell out, so I guess I'm just going to go through with this entry.
I went to school today, walked down the halls and I looked at all the teachers. I see them, and I know they are authority and this is their job. But I think about them and their life outside of school. The home they've built for themselves and their children. I thought about how I give them a hard time every day with my comments and all, and it's funny. I just wonder if they like their jobs, or us. I wonder if any of them feel a connection with a certain student, like students pick a favorite teacher. I don't know that was one thought. Then I looked at the students, I looked at all of them. I looked around the halls and I see people holding hands and kissing, and I wonder if they think they'll be with that person for a long time. I wonder if they think it will last, and if they truly believe that. I wonder about the couples that don't kiss, and I wonder if they just don't want to or if they are having problems. I wonder about the students that have no friends. I wonder if they slit their wrists. I wonder if they have a good home life, or if they don't. I wonder if they believe in God, or how they could when they have no friends that truly care for them. And I complain a lot about my life, my dad, these 4 walls, this roof, my schooling, but I've got it good. I don't have parents that hold me down and burn me, I'm not starving, I'm alive. I'm breathing, and I should be completely content, because I've got it better than most. I just don't know what to think sometime. I think about therapy and how I want that back. I think about someone hearing all the thoughts in my head for real this time and I wonder if they'd think, "She's crazy." I just keep flashing back through my life.. Parties with a lot of people that I don't know, making out with strangers, "Hey, take these" and just popping pills. And I think about the people who do that now, and how they're my friends. I think about how I still do that now, and how that's me. And if I want it to be. I think about my closest friends and how I affect their life. I wonder if I'm good for Sarah or bad for her. I know I used to be good, but used to be is past tense. A tense that is so past that it seems like years ago. I wonder if my old friends that I used to talk to but got too good for miss me. And I wonder how their life is. I wonder about my mom and if she's happy with my dad, happy with never seeing him- and how they work on that. Different work scheduals and all. I wonder if anyone will read all of this, and if they think I'm back to being "depressed" after reading this. It's funny, people could call me any name in the book, but if they call me "Depressed," I'd freak out. I just want to know what everything is and who everyone is. I want a line, I want to meet everyone in the world. Start out with "Hello, my name is.." and state their biggest problem.
Hello, my name is Christine and I'm my worst problem.
And I wonder how that makes other people feel, if they sat and thought about it. Not thought about that line above, but really thought about their biggest problem. I wonder if they'd even care. I told Sarah I didn't want to care about anything anymore, and she said not to think like that. I guess sometimes I really do feel like that. I thought about today at first lunch and how Nicci came to see me. And I thought about how she came to see me yesterday too, and how she was late to class doing that. I thought about how much that meant for her to just come up to give me a hug. I thought about how I did that for Sarah, went to see her during 3rd lunch and how now I don't. I do it for Nicci instead. And I thought about my new handshake and how it's a high five only you lace the hands.. Sort of like holding hands in the air. And how no one's hand really fits with mine except this one guys that I like still.. I just don't know if I want to date him, or anyone. I see all these relationships falling apart and people falling apart and I don't think I'm that strong. And it seems like I can't really keep friendships for more than a year, like Meghan and myself. And I don't know how that effects her, or how I fit into her life. And Corey and I. And I wonder how I effect his life, or if I even do. I thought about how everytime I see him and he asks me "where's George?" I thought about how he was all I ever needed in anyone. How he was everyone, we were everything. How much I shared with him, but I never shared it all. He still doesn't know everything about me. No one does. Except Nicci and Chelsea. And Chelsea and I don't talk, and wow.. I wonder about seniors this year and how they're almost off to college. I wonder how they will do. I thought about Chelsea and George and how close they used to be and how Chelsea said she and him really don't talk much (even though they are brother and sister). And I thought about why that would happen since it's her senior year and she's off to CNU next year. And I guess.. maybe I'm not supposed to know any of this.
I haven't written this long in a long time. I think it was the cold medicine.
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