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Wednesday, March 12th, 2003

Subject:I've seen better days..
Time:10:22 pm.
Mood:sad.
I'm tired of feeling usless.. Nothing in this life makes sense.. Nothing seems to change. Some people just are not meant to be loved.. and I am one of those people. I'm one of those people who are good enough when u need them.. I'm one of those people who are easy to leave behind or to forget about.. I'm tired of being ignored.. I'm tired of myself.. I want to just get away.. I hate being so depressed and feeling as lost as I do.. I hate having no money.. I hate feeling so hostile.. I hate feeling alone. I hate crying. I hate pretending. I wish I could just start with a clean slate... I wish I didn't love Ryan.. I with it didn't hurt that he's ignored me for a week.. and for why? I have no clue.. His mom said he's back with Emily again.. and maybe that's why? --No need for me right now. Figures. I don't want to look at him. He's still a jerk.. and apparetly always will be. I thought he grew up.. But it seems he hasent. I hope he doesn't talk to me for a long time now.. I just see dark grey when I think of him.. and Jeremy. Wants to go out tomorrow night. I said no. For one.. I just do not feel like hang out.. and 2, especially not with him. I'm over him.. He's just someone who wants to hang when it best suits him.. and when we hang all I hear about is how much better his new bestfriend (which I don't care, cuz there wasn't a friendship to be proud of there) Erica is at things than me.. which I don't care. It's not the same with him.. and I think I see the end of the road approching with him. The drugs are too much.. no longer fun.. It's time to put all that beind me.. My mom wants me to give Tim another try. He just seems to bother me when he wants something.. if yah know what I mean.. and I'm sorry but I'm not a booty call and he never appreciated me to begin with.. I'm too good for that.. Yeah, he's a very handsome guy.. but his personality ruins it for him. I don't think he's capable of caring for others.. It's all talk with him.. and yes I fell for it! Plus he was rather dreamy.. and his truck I found oddly a turn on... LoL but I'm not gonna let beauty blind me.. fortunately I look past the looks of people.. I'm mostly attracted to how genuine a guy is.. and just how I click with him and stuff.. the Vibe has ta be right.. Mostly, I'm just disipointed in Ryan.. I didn't do anything at all.. to piss him off.. I mean I hung out with Jeremy last Thursday.. but he wouldn't care about that... Ry asked me like 3 times during the week to go with him and Tyler Saturday night (last Saturday) to bowling.. and I was cool with it and stuff..and sooo Satuday came.. and he was on line.. but ignored me.. and I didn't think much of it.. and then Saturday night came.. and he never called me or anything.. left me high and dry.. and I went by the bowling alley just to see if he went.. and his car was there.. so I figured Emily went.. and that's why I was kinda dropped from the plans.. and he still hasen't talked to me... I went and saw his mom at work.. and she was like "Hunny, I hate when he does that to yah.. I gave him hell.. I don't want him doing that to anyone.. especially you.." And then I saw her today and asked if he was seeing Emily again.. and she said yeah.. and bingo.. that explains a lot of it.. I think right now.. I'm not gonna go out nearly as much... maybe once a week.. and work a lot.. and get money saved up.. and get my own place.. and figured out what I want to do with myself.. I wanna get away from the shit that goes on here.. My sister.. My dad.. my mom.. I wanna try to cure my wounds that my sister constently reopens doucing with salt.. She makes fun of me for working where I work.. for still living at home.. for having a few pimples.. for my car.. for being fat or how she states it "pleasently plump" My dad considers me white trash.. he sees me as an oxygen robber.. only time he talks to me is when he has something to bitch at me about.. and I try to avoid him... and not talk to him.. I don't wanna be around that stuff.. I wanna try to feel good about myself.. I wanna loose the 15 lbs I have just recently gained.. due to being depressed and addicted to food.. I'm such a weak person.. I wish I could be pretty.. and skinny.. I wish I could just feel good about myself.. My mom says I'll never be skinny.. No one has ever believed in me... Sometimes I wonder if it'd kill me faster if I ate uncontrolably.. or if I didn't eat at all.. No body cares any way. I saw the sun set today.. it was an amazing bright orange.. I found it so pretty.. I wish there was more beauty in my life.. All I see if a dark grey.. My tears are constent... yet hidden. Every evening ends the same way.. me alone in the basement trying to just make it through another day... And then I dread tomorrow.. I have no trust.. No reason to trust.. I'm constently let down.. Thrown away. I hope this life ends up worth living... hopefully I won't end up disipointed.
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