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[13 Jun 2004|11:36pm] |
twelve months and three weeks ago i asked for help for the first time. four attempts later.. wow, what progress i have made. oh, the number of psychologists i have seen. i may as well be considered CURED!
fuck.
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[13 Jun 2004|10:58pm] |
now, a life wasted, moments from emptying myself of these latest indescretions, waiting for the heave that kills me... each time, waiting, wishing, hoping that this heart will belie my apparent physical "health" and give in... the price of lost dignity, of being found greedy, gluttonous, needy, a price much more tollerable than going on like this, living this hell of secrets and lies and hidden wrappers and grocery-store excuses and broken resolve...
---
um, sixteen years ago (1987). i'll spare the sob story because no one is interested any way. needless to say, a lot of wasted years on this self-consuming bullshit.
i get really sad to see people into this disease for two months, for a year... because if i knew than that i would be saying that i was still puking and starving and purging sixteen years later i seriously would have pulled my finger out of my throat and dragged myself off of my ass because one day is bad enough nevermind year and years and years. what the hell do i have to say for this time? nothing. absolutely nothing other than, today i just wasted another day of my life not in recovery. this isn't what i wanted to be when i grew up.
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[02 Jun 2004|08:07pm] |
The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:
Your symptoms point to Major Depressive Disorder.
Your symptoms point to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
You appear to suffer from panic disorder with agoraphobia.
You appear to be suffering from Bulimia.
Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.
You have experienced some symptoms of a brief psychotic episode, but not enough to qualify as a full-blown episode.
You have experienced symptoms of a manic episode.
Although you meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms, your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria for Bipolar disorder.
You meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms of Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, but your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria.
You experience some symptoms of Simple Phobia.
You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia.
You experience some symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
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[30 May 2004|04:42pm] |
you are a pretentious indie asshole. you piss off
everybody but other pretentious indie assholes.
you suck extremely hard and only listen to
stuff on pitchfork media. fuck you.
what type of lame scenester are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
lol riiiight
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[11 May 2004|09:18pm] |
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HI, MOM!
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[06 May 2004|04:45pm] |
I guess I'm swinging towards a high..
I was talking with H. today, and she was telling me about her mom. I've always known she was a hipster, but apparently she wears torn jeans and radiohead tshirts all the time. She's always grunged out and never dressed to play the part of "mom." I try to imagine the sorts of ideals she has attempted to instill in H. It seems apparent from the music she listens to and the lifestyle she portrays, image and self respect were always supported - but she went wrong. I sort of want to figure they neglected the subject. Her parents don't believe image is of importance, so they figured she wouldn't either.
I'm not really getting at what I'm thinking. I've never wanted kids, but if I imagine myself as a parent, I want to have obtained this.. supreme level of health. I want to be so comfortable with myself that I will be able to show the respect and appreciation I have for my body and self. The more i think about what I want to achieve, the farther I really put myself back. I'm doing nothing to work towards this health - nor do I imagine I really will in my future.
I should also say that this level of health isn't just a part of my far off future, I truly wish this would be my situation while at Smith. I'm actually pretty terrified of getting there. I'm not comfortable around others with including any scary foods, but mostly, I won't have anything/one to fall back on. It's a natural and common fear that going away will bring on terrible self-destruction.. and realizing it may help prevent it.. but I don't see myself stopping it. I don't see myself ever reaching this health, and that's a shame.
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[03 May 2004|09:03pm] |
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2 times
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[24 Jan 2004|11:38pm] |
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I am an Intellectual
Which America Hating Minority Are You?
Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons
What is going on.. I need to write Tara, so I might as well get some thoughts together here. I just finished finals.. and have no idea how I did. I do know i need to start working harder next semester though.
BECAUSE OF COLLEGE. i'm obsessed. I have an appointment with mbk in like two weeks. Ugh. Dr. M. made me a list of schools to consider - most of which I love. I've been so adamant about small schools, but I guess I am sort of considering illinois now. if i decide to study engineering, they have the number one program in the country.. i don't know at this point.
friendships have been strengthening day after day. kate and i had a little heart to heart last night. it helped.
today i went out to lunch with megan. i admit, i think what intrigued me most about her was the anorexia.. but time has passed and i realize what a great move this was for me and her. i'm the first person to seek a relationship with her indendent from her sister. we actually had a really honest talk today too
things are fine.
i'm amazed at my ability to speak
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[30 Dec 2003|02:25am] |
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what a surprise
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[25 Dec 2003|10:56pm] |
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last night was fine.
tonight wasn't.
i was overtired to begin with
ugghh
my grandma's was too much to handle.
zach wasn't supposed to be there
but he was
too many memories
i was alone
sitting in the corner of the couch
trying to stay calm
trying to be normal
i suppose i failed miserably
being in the same room
sharing the same stories
is too much
escaping for a little while might have given him
the chance to forget
or continue denying
but that will only happen for him
am i being unfair?
i came home to my mom
in a fucking rage.
i would like to check out of life
right now
there's too much to handle
and others to join
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[25 Dec 2003|12:52am] |
kate: ok, how does this sound: a bunch of reindeer landing on top of a k-mart
me: give them some carrots to eat
kate: nah
kate: you can't feed them
kate: they represent hard-working retail employees
me: lol
kate: struggling to bring the bounty of gifts to the wealthy
--
kate: thank you for RUINING MY CHRISTMAS
me: boo hoo
kate: this was a jewspiracy, wasn't it?
--
kate: oh my god...i don't have any of the albums on this pitchfork list
kate: and i thought i was so cool!
kate: i'm obsolete
kate: emily
kate: i need to re-evaluate my life
kate: perhaps i will join stephanie caron
kate: make me cool
kate: and i'll return your other cds which i'm holding for coolness ransom
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[17 Dec 2003|10:26pm] |
So I was doing some thinking.. and I can't handle all this shit right now. I go to school and head out with my friends with stuff on my mind and constantly stressed out. If I'm going to be a friend, I want to be there to listen and respond and all that.. but I can't deal with it anymore. I can't listen to anymore fights or confidence complexes or whatever the fuck people are going through. I feel like it's just another reminder of what a shitty life i'm leading or how inadequate i am.
the only way to deal with this is to suck it up and drown or seclude.
my vote goes for seclude
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[13 Dec 2003|01:02pm] |
I wrote an entry a few days ago, but it didn't save. oh well
M. was hospitalized.. i had to gather the facts myself, but i'm sure of it. i don't really know what to think. I know her mom refused to get her any help before.. whatever. it's not my place to ask ma. or lem. what happened, so all i can do is wonder
the act was this morning. i'm sure i did terribly. whatever. i can take it 5 or so more times..
last night i went to stunts with ma. afterwards we were talking about college and stuff. she knows
that's it for now. i dont have much to say. i'm off to find a pair of pants to wear to the christmas party
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| sage francis |
[12 Nov 2003|04:40pm] |
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music |
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rockets - cat power |
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I didn't tell anyone about what I seen or heard that day, mums the word still.
I'm scared to plant ideas into your head while your rebellious side is fertile.
Hurdles are getting knocked down...I'm running a losing race.
Your legs aren't the only ones marked up. How many dreams have you chased?
If I could have said this to your face maybe you wouldn't have to write like I do,
Except I use paper instead of my body now; it's something you might want to try too
From haikus to horror stories, it's something in our blood that we share,
Something in our blood that appears on the surface of our skin when we bring it there.
My facial expression said I didn't care.
Hate and aggression must've made an impression on the little kid who stared,
Sitting on stairs when I would bother to bring my skates...
My feeble attempt at being a strong, big brother...doing father figure 8's.
Ripping my cape on the ground that it dragged on.
Tripping on fate and hearing the sounds of a sad song.
Listen, it's great sharing time now that dad's gone,
But what's with the choice of words? Or the body parts that you decided to tag them on?
I'm a bagabond who moved to modern day Babylon and then back again
With minimal contact and you know I can't ask your mom what's happening.
You've got such beautiful gifts. What are you doing ruining the packaging?
How ironic...come to think...I probably put this ink on my back for him.
I want you to laugh and sing more,
But you dropped anchor in a place where dreams go to die and you're keeping your ass indoors.
I'm asking for you to stick it out...and see things through.
You're asking for me to zip my mouth and keep it just between me and you.
If I could have been there from the beginning...if I could be there right now...
if I could promise to be there when you need me, would it raise an eyebrow?
How would your body be different if I still dropped by for visits?
Is it my place to put a smile on your face?
Could I erase your body language telling you its all been said before?
Or change the words you wrote, exchanging your scars for my metaphors?
I'd add them to my collection while smiling.
Next time you want to paint with razor blades and need a canvas use my skin.
You're hiding your sins well, but I see the hell that your limbs speak.
Tongue in cheek. Lying awake in bed while other kids sleep.
The strength of evil begins to keep your grins weak.
No matter the length of the needle, marking up one's body is so much more than skin deep.
Feel the pin prick. The grim reep what they sew and you're trained to say that you're fine.
Your thresh hold for pain is greater than mine.
So I'm waiting in the lines that you give me...patiently,
While you get cut in the lines that THEY make YOU wait in...in ways that they can't see.
If there's a vacancy as far as room in your life goes,
say it to me. Don't do it with a knife under your clothes.
Because the anguish of hidden skin...is letting my ghosts be shown.
Plus the language its written in hits especially close to home.
I'm most alone when I'm out of touch with the people who feel this type of pain.
You might just aim for a day that its raining...to strike a vein to take my name in.
Changing your uniform and altering your mind set.
Has your pointer finger decided if it was a fault of his or mine yet?...I bet.
I know the dialect. It's nowhere I haven't been before
With skin that's sore. Battle scars that rise from our inner war
Are decorative medals of honor that our father decided to pass through inheritance
And it is repetitive when the kids head in the direction of evidence...proving the pain and hurt is relative.
All this pain and hurt is relative.
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[09 Nov 2003|10:15pm] |
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I haven't been writing anywhere.. not in my journal, not here, not on eye.. this past week was hell too
my mom called me on bulimia last week. she told me i need to stop playing this innocent card and she's heard me and whatever.. For the record, she didn't actually hear me, because I wasn't actually purging.
for a few days after, i was insanely depressed. mary helped me a bit.
as I wrote tara, my biggest issue was this: she obviously thinks i'm purging multiple times a day, everyday. I have asked for help FIVE times now.. so she's basically showing me she truly doesn't care AT ALL. "my daughter's puking a ton, she asked for help, but she should just stop herself. i mean, she's had like four deep years to stop, but maybe if i ridicule her, she'll really stop.. but i don't really give a shit if she dies or anything. puking five times a day, oh well"
aside from that, i'm so proud of (most) of my grades.. well, really only one. i got a B+ in ap chem.. i thought i was going to get a c.. but I RULE! :-D
i had all these plans to accomplish all this school work this weekend, but i haven't touched much. i have tuesday off, but i was hoping to just go shoot pictures for a few hours and relax. oh well. i'll have a history test to study for as well as an english paper to write. i wanted to drive out to the forest preserve by banner, but i'll just settle with ryerson, hopefully.
i should get going.. go waste more time talking
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[31 Oct 2003|11:16pm] |
so some stuff is pretty fucked up.
mary has been getting more and more depressed as the weeks pass. molly is fucking with her EVERY SINGLE WEEK. she calls her on things she did last year, knowing that they'll upset mary, and just rubs them in till no end..
i found out on homecoming, chip had his hand on her and she was uncomfortable. she had every right to be uncomfortable and to ask to leave, but she dealt with the situation in a shitty manner. if she wanted to leave, she should have told us what happened, been responsible, and we would have left.. instead she just screwed the night over and made it even shittier
i've always known she does drugs. she pop tons of pills and smokes quite often.. this morning she smoked with her friend while possibly criticizing mary while mary was in the back seat.. and alex told me she cuts. apparently if i were to look at her forearms, i would be able to see the cuts. seeing as though i'm pretty well informed on the matter, i have a lot to say on the way she goes about it. i understand that her life is hard and she's unhappy and whatever, but cutting somewhere like on your forearm is like showing the world you have a problem and you need help..
i don't know. the more i learn about molly, the more pissed off i get..
i'm really worried about mary
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[17 Oct 2003|10:08pm] |
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five months..
can anyone tell me who gives a fuck about me.. cuz it sure as hell seems like no one
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[17 Oct 2003|12:29am] |
I don't know what's going on.. For some reason, I am SO unbelievably tired. It might be sleep deprivation, caffeine withdrawl, or depression.. I seriously come home, sleep for a few hours, try to work on homework (yet can't stay focused so give up), and then go back to sleep.. only to wake up absolutely exhausted and waste my day away trying to learn. If I don't shape up soon, I'll start on some meds
umm.. tomorrow is pep rally. i'd rather go to appleseed cast, but mary doesn't want to miss her pasta party. saturday morning is the parade.. then we're going down to see a cheap play in the city. i have cousins in from new york.. so i'm going to beg mary and the girls to stop by my uncle's on our night out.. his studio is gorgeous, he'll have food and wine.. and i'll feel bad not going.
sunday i work. afterwards, i should come home to study.. and then it's time for hte strokes show. it better be good.
monday i have a chem quiz, a history essay due, and a spanish quiz i'm supposed to make up tomorrow.. ugh. tuesday i have the qualifier for national merit..
so much stress
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[13 Oct 2003|10:06am] |
My mom and I had another fight last night.. I realized I never will get help from her
The Strokes show got moved! We were going on homecoming night, which worked really well.. instead we're going sunday night.. whatever. I'm going to look around to see what's going on Saturday night. Maybe there'll be something at the bottom lounge or something.. I hope
Howie SUCKED. He played with his band for all but 2 songs I believe.. It will take some getting used to, but I just really hate the band. What a sell out
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