| horoscopic |
[18 Nov 2008|03:32am] |
Lately, I feel like I'm analyzing my life under a horoscopic lens. Seriously. My daily horoscopes have been eerily accurate. Maybe I'll take captive a horoscope writer from a newspaper and make him/her tell me my horoscopes a day early, so I can prepare.
What my recent horoscopes failed to predict was a nearing catastrophe. My computer died. According to the IT guy I took it to, "Your hard drive blew up". Oh great, because now I totally understand. I am a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, ditzy-looking, sorority-fashionista. I'm smart, but if someone tells me my hard drive "blew up", my eyes glaze over and my mind paints a picture of a complicated, green holographic computer chip with tiny Hiroshima atom bomb mushroom clouds erupting with a little "PFFT" sound. I'm certain that's not what happened on the inside of my laptop yesterday morning. When I asked for an elaboration, the guy said, "a file or directory on your hard drive exploded". Mental picture reinforced.
So, I stayed home tonight. I hate school. I hate my roommate. I hate being alone. I want to disclose his name here. I want the whole world to know I miss him, that he means everything to me, that I've found purpose in life in him. I want him to know that. However, I want him to know that only if its going to be reciprocated. The night of our breakup will haunt me forever. The night I professed my development of sincere attachment to a person for their simple being. And in return was shunned and distanced.
He called me tonight. We talked for two hours, about nothing. Like when we first started talking back in 2006. Almost three years ago. He called me tonight while I was on the phone with the new guy that I went to Chinatown with. So, I called back. He asked me how my day was, and my heart began to race, I love that question for so many reasons.
First, it raises the question why he cares to know what my mundane daily events were. Second, it leads to him telling me every little detail of his daily life. From which side of the bed he woke up on, to what he ordered for lunch, to the name of the aggravating neighbor he rode in the elevator with, to the tv show he watched last night before falling asleep on his couch. He tells me everything. He tells me future plans, ideas, frustrations, problems, trivial facts, personal details like the silly, embarrassing song he sings in his head when life becomes ironic and vengeful. Sometimes, I just listen to the sound of his voice and its enough to erase all the problems attacking me from all sides with freshly sharpened swords eager to draw blood and drain me of all tolerance. He is my muse and my escape. He does more for me than he could know or guess. I don't know what it is about him, I can't explain it. He even brings me back to religion and renews my faith in God. Only God could orchestrate such chemistry. Unexplainable even by those who are subject to it. He's not the most attractive, and he's not the most charming, but I love him. And I say love because I don't know what else to call it. There is not a thing about him that I don't like, and explaining this almost brings me to tears because its like seeing the largest, softest, most adorable teddy bear you've ever seen propped under the delicately lit tree on Christmas morning but not being able to touch it. Not because it is in a sealed box, but because there is some force within you, around you, and between you and the bear that will only allow you to admire it from a distance and imagine how perfect embracing it will be. That force is a work of God, not God himself. There is an unseen force of nature at work between us, and I dare not challenge it. I must trust that these text messages, emails, phone conversations, and irregular meetings are deliberate and purposeful allowances by the force. And above all, I must trust that whatever happens under the governance of the force is a direct and fateful choice by my Creator. I always say, "all things for a reason" and I firmly believe that if I allow the force to control my intimate life, God will provide what is best, and I can only hope that it is him because so far I've found peace, happiness, truth, wisdom, and love in him.
I told him my computer problem. He gave me the responses I subconsciously wanted. Laughter, light sarcasm, personal anecdote. The conversation flowed marvelously between us, both sharing humorous recent encounters with people and life's backhand. We're both insightful, I'm sure derivations of personality traits from casual conversation were made on both behalves. He told me about the urinating on the couch issue (which was hysterical yet strange and unfortunate all at once), office/family drama, his uncle's BioDome idea for the head seek in Dubai, his promotion and raise, his best friend and how I should meet him, his other friend that he lived with in Switzerland and their weird relationship of petty competition and belittling, his sister's acting classes and photo shoot with teen vogue, his mother's new job, possibility of moving in with his grandmother and the perks and disadvantages, his invitation to graduation and two weddings afterward, his upcoming travels to Dubai, Holland, France, and Switzerland. I told him about the roommate, her dawning all my clothes before I could wear them, her illegal pet, the random night partners she has over and two of my bitch episodes, the forwarded text message drama and the Starbucks conversation that followed, and other things I can remember. He was surprised that I haven't reached my breaking point with the roommate; he's convinced its going to happen soon and its going to be ugly... and epic.
He tried to tell me the reason he called, but he, "goes off on so many tangents with me". He said that tonight he got back to his apartment, after an exhausting weekend and day at work, ready to sleep. He passed out on his sofa early, only to be awakened to the sound of a bike horn; honking repeatedly, over and over and over, 15 stories below his opened window. He said he rolled onto his back and stared at his ceiling thinking "why, why?". He said, immediately, as if instinctly, he became angry. He said waking up to a noise like that triggers a learned hatred because of the intrusive routine he was subjected to at the academy when we dated. He explained that they used to be woken by irritating noises, similar to bike horns, and while he obeyed he always woke up tired and angry. So, in his half awake, half asleep state tonight after being aroused by the bike horn he called me because, "I just needed to tell someone about it, and I wanted to tell you".
Adorable.
One day, I'm going to publish a book. Under an alias. The book is going to be a compilation of my emotional struggle and psychological battle that have persisted over the past few years. What's the intrigue in that, you ask? I'll tell you. I am a firm believer in Darwinism. I believe personal strength, whether it be with brain or brawn, is the most essential aspect in living. You can not live for another before you live for self. I am looking for love to satisfy myself. While it is a selfish act, it is also selfless because love requires sacrafice of self for another. In my quest for love, I have been thwarted by my own self. My emotions have jumped the gun and have lead me down the wrong path before. I have learned to keep them at bay, but they are my own forces that can work against my perseverance. I have developed coping mechanisms. I have learned to psychoanalyze my own thoughts and actions so that I am self-sufficient in the realm of emotional healing. I have learned to justify certain things in a rush job to construct an emotional barrier to harsh reality, ensuring mental stability and distance from the unnecessary stresses that life delivers. Because of this quest, I am aware of myself, how I think, what I want, who I am, and why. It has been a road to self-discovery that I have been sprinting down for a long time now. I feel ahead of my peers because of this. I know who I am, and in turn what I want to do with my life because I know what I am looking for. It is a process every individual needs to go through in order to be a strong human. Self-sufficiency is imperative, self-awareness is imperative. Self-understanding is a prerequisite to effectively understanding any field of study or aspect of life. However, the meaning of life is impossible to understand because it requires understanding why the force governing our every movement and thought acts as it does. Mastery of this is mastery of the universe, and that is equating self with God and a creation can never usurp the creator.
|
|
sleepy
hungry