"I heard from someone that you wish you could make things right between us."
I don't know what to think. I don't know what to say. I've cried myself dry, but the disappointment in your voice still rings in my ears. I wish you had a clue, a warning...something to prep you for the swift kick in the nuts that I left you with. I wish you knew how I really felt; about you and your "family." I wish you knew that I love you all more than you can imagine. I wish you knew what I was up against, when all of that came spilling out of me. I was ignorant to everything at that horrible turning point in my life. I was cut too deeply, and I pulled out the knife and stuck it in you. It had nothing to do with any of you, I just completely freaked out. There is absolutely no excuse for what was said. It had nothing to do with you, yet, you were my outlet for it all. It was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. I finally just split at the seams and I used you as an excuse to get it out of me. I wish you didn't have to see me like this, because it is not me at all.
You thought so highly of me, you trusted me, you were a good friend to me, and you thought that you knew me. That's what hurts most. Somehow, I always end up letting down the people I care about most. What you don't know is that I am just as hurt as you are. I completely let you down. I took everything that you thought you knew, and flipped it upside down. It was immature of me to deal with something of that magnitude in such a poor manner. What I said to you on the phone was coming from my heart. I meant every word that I said to you. When I get some sleep and clear my head a little, then I will sit back and take everything in. That's when I plan on writing to you. It won't be an apology letter, nor will it be an explanation, it will simply be me. All of me.
You unearthed the worst of me, but sometimes, it is the worst situations in life that bring out the best in people. Hopefully, we will both learn from this, and become that much closer in the end. If not, then all I can say to you is that I will never give up on you, I will never stop caring about you, and I will never ever treat you like that again. It makes me sick to know that I hurt you. I can't imagine what is going through your head right now, but I apologize from the bottom of my heart. You are one of the greatest friends I have, and it would kill me to know that this is goodbye. Don't let this be goodbye. Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: Dashboard Confessional