la la la la.......   
08:11pm 04/03/2004
 
mood: & super angry
music: Chris Cagle-Safe Side
wow...this week has been so hetic.....i havn't had time to write.....ok so now is the time to catch up! 1st off I'm really pissed off about how I pulled a major quad muscle in my left leg, which means I don't get to play softball this whole week. Well tonight we had our first scrimmage and guess who warms the damn bench? MOI! grrrrr i don't like that at all. Then to add on to all of that this one really stupid guy named BL is like saying crap about me saying how when I wore a skirt today, my legs were uncrossed....maybe if the butthole wouldn't have been looking he wouldn't have made something up. I had my legs crossed the whole entire time, I think he is just jealous b/c he can't get any from a girl.....bleh....anyways this week isn't so horrible but softball has taken up a lot of my time so far, but I love playing it.....we really need new uniforms. My love life......is good but could be better but I'm not complaining, I'm so happy right now.....it's almost impossible for me to be this happy and yet, I am very happy with how things are working out but I wish they were getting better.....they might....I don't know but I am not complaining too horribly about it...hey atleast i have someone interested in me.....gosh that makes me so happy....I don't think he has any idea how bad I like him....maybe he does......I don't know if he does or not.....I don't want to be clingy..but I can't help but want to spend every moment with him.....almost like the half an hour we get for lunch during school isn't enough for me to get my daily "high"......anyways enough about that.....I'm really tired.....so I guess I will be going to bed here soon!
 
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I had so much fun......then I suffered the concequences....   
02:18pm 29/02/2004
  It's been a long time since I've been in here.....Wow ok I have lots to tell!! Last night me, brit and ash all went to the Evanescence concert and I only have one word to describe it...AWESOME! ahhh they were really good, Default was one of the bands that opened up for them, the lead singer was super hott and they were really good and then there was a basically un heard of band called Adam's Ship, not really my type of cookie but I didn't have a problem with them, they were just getting started but they put of a good show just a little scary, but Default and Evanescence was awesome! We were 6 rows from the front in Orchastra seating, we were so close we could see Amy's(lead singer of Evanescence) contacts, they were sky blue cat eyes they were really awesome. I want cat eyes, especially like blue or green, prolly green would be better but I still like them anyways, we didn't get home until late and I kept banging my head repeatidly to the songs and my neck hurts bad but it was all worth it and my voice is shot so I can't sing tomarrow in choir but that makes me happy b.c I don't exactly like singing and I don't want to sing on a monday at that so tomarrow my day is already better just b.c I don't have to sing. Oh yeah and i have two big bruises on my right leg where I kept hitting it into the arm rests. oh well I loved it anyways and there were these 4 college goofy guys behind us and I was suprised b.c they knew every word to the songs, they didn't exactly look like the type but anyways. They kept flirtin and being stupid with other girls and I just had to laugh b.c it was just hilarious to see them work their "game" haha anyways, moving on. I made softball which makes me happy but I am also really pissed off about it....b.c we have had the same freaking uniforms for almost 8 years, c'mon that's really sad...I DEMAND NEW UNIFORMS!!! I have really worked my butt off to get where I am now with my ptiching it isn't like it's flawless but I am a lot better then I was last year, I am faster. But my freaking relase sucks and so does my snap...but oh well I will have to work on it...My love life is, just there anymore. I like tihs one guy but everything's so freaking complicated I mean I like him a lot and I don't know I have a funny feeling something bad's gonna happen. I hate those feelings b.c they are always right....bleh. Maybe I should just talk to him about it....but I'm kinda being a wuss about it but I kinda wanna ask questions to get it sorted out but I mean it isn't like I am having doubts...I like the kid a lot....I duno anymore, all I know is I will like him as long as I possibly can which is until they call me crazy for liking him too long but I don't care what they say....they know nothing! oh well that's all I have right now b.c I am really tired from last night's activaties and I'm just drained from playing softball and such....I will write in here again....soon I hope!  
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Who wouldn't wanna be me??   
10:20pm 16/02/2004
 
mood: & joyous
music: George Strait- I'm carrying your love with me(dad's music)
That is a question I wanna know.....who wouldn't wanna be me? haha there are prolly a few but there's their perogative, oh well I can't please everyone. All I know is I LOVE MY LIFE.....haha wow it's gotten so much better in the last month, but everything happened for a reason and I'm glad it all happened vthe way it did. Wow I am like a bizillon times happier, not one person can bring me down, not even if they tried. My grades in school are picking up, and I'm focus, that really makes me happy and also I'm just happier, I have no clue why! but wow how I love to be me....everyday the sun rises, I'm like 6 times happier, life can't get much better, wellll, i take that back it could get better. But i'm not complaining anymore. I have friends who actually care now, and they arn't backstabbing, two faced or anything. I'm suprised at my luck. I don't care if I only have 2 friends. It's better then 30 ok ones that talk shit. I know these two won't b.c they are honest and I hate it when people make up stuff that isn't true and you know it. But still you ask the person that it was said about and they are like, "yeah like we talk to her" and you knew you were right all along. The other person is seriously either jealous of my luck or just idiotic. Whichever they choose. Isn't it amazing how some people think they can read minds, wow they are Ms. Cleo now. That's super hott. I think people need to butt outta my life, and try to keep their own straight. And just b.c their friends are invovled doesn't mean it concerns them at all. For gosh sakes, we are half grown adults, if a conflict is brwing between two people, it doesn't need to have one more nosy person added and if it did.....I would ask for one!!! But nnoooooo they have to stick their nose where it doesn't belong and they are just digging a deeper hole for themselves. And I love how peole think they know me better then I know myself. I've lived with my self for what almost 15 years, and they've known me all of 6 months. Wow they know me so much better then me....thos numbers really out weigh eachother. 6 MONTHS....WOOO BUDDY we have a record going on. I have so much on my brain, half of it doesn't even freaking belong. but oh well it will all vanish in a few days. I would like to say to all of those people who talk crap and who act like they know me better, when your opinions start affecting my life, whether i die or whether i live or whether I date or don't I will look you up, until then keep them to yourselves and save it for someone who cares, b.c you won't find anyone here.....mmmk? do we have that clear? I hope we do b.c this petty girl fighting crap, where we talk about eachother behind our backs is getting old, you can call me whatever you want, as long as it makes you feel better go ahead but you seriously need to take a look in the mirror and reanalyze who you want to be b.c right now you are turning out to be someone who cries b.c they are all alone living in exile b.c everyone ended up hating them.......well well with that said. it's almost time for bed.....G'NITE ALL
 
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Happy Valentine's Day........   
12:53pm 14/02/2004
 
mood: hopeful
music: AFI-Silver and Cold & Keith Urban-You'll Think of Me
Well this is the what 3rd year in a row alone on Valentine's Day.....oh how i love to be alone, just kidding. Wow things have certinally changed in the past few weeks, they went from horrible, so so, been better, good, great, and the ultimate greatness....that's where it is today. I swear my life is like a bad soap opera, like the ones they can't put on TV b.c everyone would be like what a freaking retard!! or something like that. Well I don't really care. I got two things for Valentine's Day. I got a very very large Hershey's Chocolate Kiss and a really good CD, with some pretty awesome bands. Like AFI, and The Starting Line, Boxcar Racer, and then it also has Jessica Simpson, Keith Urban(which i love) and Dave Matthew's Band, they are really great. I've gotten two CD's in the past week with all my favorite songs, I will wuved! Well today I'm going with a friend to spend the night at their grandparent's house then tomarrow we are leaving for a play.....I can't wait. It's going to be great just spending time with Britain but it will also be great to see a play. I can't wait..tee hee.... I'm bored.....I have to say my hair looks absolutly amazing today....for anyone who has seen my hair...........it looks really pretty today, I'm proud of it. Anyways, I'm super bored, I will be until I go to britain's....bleh....I don't like Valentine's Day unless I have someone to be with.....and I don't so that makes this day bad..but in general my life is super great at the moment. Although I don't like fate or anything like that..but I have to deal with the cards dealt even though I will end up with the sucky hand, I can play off of them and make things work, I always have and always will....so anyways with that said It's time for me to go.....I know you will miss me dearly but I will return soon!! ok bye bye everyone.....HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY everyone
 
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Wow........   
05:53pm 06/02/2004
 
mood: sick
music: Keith Urban- You'll Think of Me
haha well these paszt few days have been greater then before. Except for last night.....but oh well that's life. I'm so much better then I've ever been. But now that I'm better I can't focus in school as much as I used to. It's scary b.c my 5th grade teacher said she wanted to get me tested for ADD b.c I couldn't pay attention....well I can't pay attention in class now, especially in Science. That class is the greatest but Ms. Mcdowell has snowflakes on her ceiling and I stare at them constantly. I think I do have ADD...I hope not though b.c I have enough problems just me not being able to pay attention would be one more to add on to that list. Last night was really stupid and weird. The guy I liked was pissed off at me b.c my dad doesn't like him, well my dad doesn't like a whole buncha guys, for the simple fact THEY ARE GUYS. Anyways he got offended and said things he shouldn't have and well I'm not really feeling the friendship thing anymore. I was perfectly fine with it before and nothing really bothered me but last night he took it too far and I just don't know how long it will take for me to get back into the friend groove. A friend of mine said that was the worst, and that I don't deserve to be treated like that. I agree but I still don't understand why my head is still wanting to be my friend when my heart is like forget him, he's not worth anything for what he did to you. And I want to go with the heart part but my head is stuck in the same spot like a NEVER ENDING RECORD. But other then all this drama and stuff my life can't get any better. My birthday is soon it's in 3 months and 9 days. Then I turn 15, maybe a little more freedom will come from this birthday but if not, I hope I just get some simple things for my birthday. Valentine's Day is coming up, oh well I don't really care, but I don't want anyone to buy me anything. I will be happy on V-Day if I get nothing.....ugh I have a cough and stuff from running outside for softball open gym. That wasn't good. I am getting sicker, like a cough and a really bad headache...I bet if I took medicine, it would go away, but I don't like medicine, but eventually I will wear down and take it...ugh I hate that stuff it's NASTY!! well that's about all for me to write in here.....not too much~
 
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Growing up is so hard.............   
10:25pm 03/02/2004
 
mood: sore
music: None
I hate growing up..........blah!!! Oh well, I'm having rough times, but I'm quite happy with my life. Things are in order now, and I'm just so happy, there isn't too much to write about in here.......I wish there was but tonight wasn't too busy, I was out all day b.c of ice and snow, and I sat on by butt all day....That about it.......well sorry this journal sucks so terribly but oh well maybe tomarrow will be more eventful......
 
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Life is Great.....   
04:40pm 02/02/2004
 
mood: happy
music: The Used-On My Own
haha well, today things were so much better then they have been in two weeks. I felt so much better. Except for my killer headache, that wasn't too peachy. I had to suffer all day with something like a migrane and then I finally got home and I found the problem....I need to eat. I had completely forgotten breakfast this morning and I have 3rd lunch and that leaves me with an hour and a half left of school, so I save my paretns money and I just don't eat and I eat at home. Food here at home is always better, and another thing is soda.....yummie I love soda like no one else can love soda. I'm really tired now, I'm not up for open gym but hey I wanna make the team so, I'm going to go anyways. It's only lifting today, I need to get some muscle on my pitching arm. I can't wait for warm weather. Cold, snowy stuff doesn't do anything for me except make me sleep in later and make me miss school, but I'm not complaining on the missing school, I just don't like sleeping until 2 in the afternoon when you go to bed at a decent hour. I am finally caught back up with homework, see Friday I didn't know the schedule so that threw me off like really bad, and today I got everything straightened out, and I understand everything I'm doing in Math, that's the only class I have problems in. Oh that and French II.....I definitly don't like that class at all......it's too hard and the only good thing is I only have one more year of it and then I'm done!! WOO HOO.......ugh it's hard to believe I will be a sophmore in four months, kinda scary actually, oh well I'm tired of being a freshie....it sucks. Well my time will come soon enough when I am a senior!! That will be the day.....the great year...haha anyways. I went to bed last night at around 11:30 and I didn't fall asleep until 3 AM!!!! I was so drained. I got 3 hours of sleep. That's pitiful.... I think I am an insomniac....maybe that or I just take awhile to get to sleep...oh well I know I will be tired tonight...school drains me like crazy. Along with open gym. Well things were pretty great today, I had everything done and turned in for school and then at lunch, it just went by great, I had to write a paragraph about a topic, the topic was "Tell about a time when you heard or told a lie" well that really narrows down the subjects.....not really. I mean I've told some lies but they are only little white ones, like the ones you feed to your teacher or something. I don't believe I've ever lied about something humongous.....like me having cancer or anything. haha well I don't have cancer so that would be pretty stupid to tell everyone that I have cancer....they might start to suspect something after I don't lose my hair. Well now it's time for softball open gym. talk to everyone later or when I get back....byes

OH YEA.............HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BRITAIN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BRITAIN, HAPPY BRITHDAY DEAR BRIT, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.........love you lots babe!!!!
 
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Life's Already Better.............   
11:10pm 01/02/2004
 
mood: relaxed
music: The Starting Line- Best of Me
Well this was quite an eventful night, woo hoo Patriots won, makes me happy. I stayed up until 3 in the morning and I couldn't get to sleep it was akward. And after I finally drifted off into my dreams where everything was perfect and I wake up at 1 in the afternoon. I swear all I do is sleep my life away. Oh well, atleast if I sleep most of it I only have to deal with a few more hours before I slip into sleep once again. Anyways, tomarrow school starts, ugh I hate school. Nothing good ever comes from it. Blah. I'm feling much better about the whole situation of last night, I feel refreshed and something I don't know is sparking inside of me, something that's making me feel better. It's weird. But anyways, school really sucks, all I do is sit through tons of boring classes, getting homework I don't want and spending time around people that I don't like. I'm not usually so anti-social but at the moment I am now. I am like a big ball of mixed emotions anymore. I just need to listen to my music to take all my things away, and just to help me through like it always has. Or I might write some poems, I do that a lot now. It's weird, but I'm not complaining. I still have homework to do now. Just read a stupid book and take a quiz tomarrow but I still wanna get my homework done for Tuesday so I have some free time on my hands just to sit on here and rot away.I love the starting line. I especially love the song Best of Me, makes me happy for the sole reason that they lyrics are super good and the beats and music is even better. Just the guitar parts are the best!! I heard this really old country song, it's by Martina McBride, "Independance Day" makes me cry and really appriciate a lot of things and how wrong domestic violence is. That's what makes me mad, people beating on other people, especially men beating on women. They are just stupid and I hate them for that. Oh yeah and drinking, that is so stupid, nothing good will come from it, you throw up everywhere and make a mess, ugh it's sickening. That's why I'm not drinking, b.c for one it's stupid and number two nothing good will come from it. I used to want to but a friend finally showed me why it wasn't worth it. It's smoking, all that does is kill you, or give you cancer. Kinda like dipping or chewing tobacco, that's oftly nasty, such a turn off for me. Blah. Anyways the subject could go on forever but instead I'm going to leave it at that. I need to attempt to get my homework done, I only have one more page of math and some World History. Well good night all.....I hope monday brings something brighter for me......
 
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Wait a minute................it can get worse   
02:36am 01/02/2004
 
mood: infuriated
music: Silver and Cold- AFI
Whoa.......my life just got about 50 million times worse then it ever could have been. Ok I'm going to give the full fledge story up close and personal about this convo. Even though I shouldn't I am..Oh well they will get over it. Ok it all started this evening after softball and everything. I get home get on here. I talked to the guy who I liked for awhile actually until 1:07 this morning. Then when he gets ready to leave I tell him I need to talk to one of my used to be best friends, and right then, one of her stupid ass bitches im's me and says "your a fucking bitch" and I am like ugh, who's this? b.c at this point I didn't really care who it was, nor was I ready to cuss them out. So they blocked me for some stupid reason, then me and my used to be friend start talking and it's stupid and petty as I don't know what and it's just annoying me to no end. When I was about to say screw you, she's like I know i'm not being a very good friend(I wonder when she thought that one up) and I think that it's best if we arn't friends now b.c it's not what I want. That is so freaking lame, my dog could come up with better things then that and she can't even talk! Anyways, I listened on, and she said I was greedy. I'm not going to lie about it b.c I know I am greedy but you never get anywhere by giving your whole life to someone else except you feel good about yourself all the time. Well anyways, the conversation continued on. And it's getting pretty bad and she was like don't let what is going on between us now ruin what you and coleman have. And I was like no it won't. I am friends with coleman that's cool and all, and I am moving on and it's not affecting me that much. Well that I left out parts b.c I have a river of jealousy running through my veins like the Mississippi, it's wide and long and deep. But I will get over it after awhile just because that's life and nothing ever goes the way I want it to. But I don't have a lot of control over what I want to happen and so forth. I'm not expecting to, but gosh, someone give me some leeway here. All I want is just to have things so right for once. I'm striving for a better life. I'm working on my faults. But Rome wasn't built in a day!! I swear my friends are dropping like flies if I lose anymore, I won't be able to stand it. I'm really getting worse but since me and my used to be friend stopped being friends it seems like I'm feeling better. Maybe that was my problem all along, she was holding me back. Oh well I don't care I wish them both luck, in the relationship and everything else. I will soon find another hero, haha only in books but hey I can wish can't I? I will find someone to fill this huge hole, someday, maybe not right now but I'm going to stop looking focus on my friends, family and school and I will be alright. Maybe he will just stumble into me in the lunch line, I don't know but it will be a great day when I find him.....oh how the angels will sing when that day comes. Or when I meet a new friend...haha that's always good too. Well well, it's really late and I'm totally drained and unentergized and just feeling over all crappy, so I am going to go to bed, sleep on everything and tomarrow will be so much better. No one is holding me back now, no way no how, nu uh!!! Well g'nite all.....love everyone especially my two favorites!!
 
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Things are looking up........   
10:27pm 31/01/2004
 
mood: accomplished
music: The Starting Line- Best of Me
Well today things went better, I think in my opinion. Things coudl be better but I'm not complaining. I'm still living and I still have friends! I have the two bestest friends in the whole world. They are so completely awesome. Britain I love you so much......thanks for being here. Anyways, I woke up at ten minutes to noon, which was great. I just hung out until I had to go to town, then I came back home and go on the internet, nothing too exciting there. But I went to softball and things started good then they went down hill. I almost got pounded in the head with a softball from one of our best pitchers, thank gosh she stopped her motions before she let go. And then my hitting got worser then at the end it got better. And I pitched and my balls always are going high, my release point is off and i'm hooking my arm to the right. Bah. Anyways, I finally got home, and my back started hurting and then my head hurts. Well my day wasn't completely great but atleast I got through th day without feeling sad, depressed, unloved or unwanted. And I didn't even think about a guy, until just now when I thought about what to write. I think I am moving on from my past heartbreak pretty well. Although I don't wanna but I gotta b.c well that's life and that's how things go. And if he turned out to like me again I couldn't allow it to happen b.c that means I am second best and I don't really believe in second chances on this kinda stuff. I figure he had his chance, he risked it. I did what I thought was right and if he can't trust me over one thing then I'm not attempting to change his mind. I might be jealous as hell but I will get over that. It will be over soon enough. My luck isn't getting any better though. This guy I know just about messed up my cousin but he refrained but I wish he would have only because my cousin pushes me and shit, and that gets annoying so I wanted to have someone to get the job done. If no1 gets it done then I guess I will have to step up to the plate and I will have to show him to respect girls, especially his cousin. My dad's wanted to mess him up before just becuase he back talked.....but no one ever follows through dammit.. Ah oh well his times coming. Just like everyone else's, something is giong to happen to someone one day. Well with that over, I am feeling much better since I said all of that. And I'm so greatful for friends b.c not a lot of people have great friends like mine. All I can say these will never leave me, and if I only have 3 friends I'm good. I only need Britain, Ashley and God..they will never leave me....I love them all so much well I think this is enough for someone to read..so bye bye all
 
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Why me?   
12:17am 31/01/2004
 
mood: confused
music: The Starting Line-The Night Life
Why does this always happen to me? I don't understand.....I wish fro once in my life that everything would be the way I want it, or something would go my way. I know I sound really selfish but I can't help it, I never get anything that I am truely interested in. Like I get the short end of the stick. I don't care how many guys say I am hott, good looking or anything I still wish I had everything like they say I do....I may not be totally rich but I also am not dirt poor. I don't want money, I just want happiness for once. To be satisfied in my life to be happy with the way things panned out or something. I just want something to go right. I've had plenty of blessings and I'm thankful for that but it seems like God never hears the ones I want the most, like they get pushed aside. I don't know if I'm trying to hard or what but I seriously wish it would change, just for a day. I mean in the past four months I've lost friends like crazy and only a few have managed to stick it out, they are my true friends and I love them to death for everything they do for me. I lost a girl who has been my "best" friend for almost two years, we got into a petty fight over something that I didn't even know we were fighting over, this is too stressful on me, I can't handle much more of this heartbreak or pain or whatever it is. I finally let it go and I have chosen not to speak to her just for the simple fact a best friend isn't there to hold your damn hand and make all your decisions for you, they are there for support and to help you through the desicions you made. I don't understand what is so hard for some people to grasp, including myself. The only thing going right in my life at the moment is sports, and that is because I worked my butt off for it.. I hope that goes good. Everyone is telling me to be patient, okay people, I don't know what the meaning of that word is!!! It's so hard for me to wait around for something good to happen to me, I want it to happen now!!! I know I worry too much about guys, and I'm trying to stop and I'm making an honest effort at trying to be friends with every guy I meet. They are all like attracted to me and I don't want to be rude or anything but I can't handle much more. I wish I was ugly or fat for a day so I could see what it's like. Like with my friend, I put her feelings all out there attempting to save them and when the tables turn she doesn't even bat an eyelid like oh I have what I wanted now, perfect guy woo hoo run off and leave your friend!!!! Yeah my mom told me about this kinda stuff when I was little but I had no idea it was going to be so rough for me. Thank gosh I have Ashley and Britain, I have no clue what I would do without them. I remember we stayed up until 5:30 in the morning watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and just talking. That impacted me so much I don't think they realize. I've became a completely different person since I met them, and everytime I leave thier house or after a long talk my day seems to brighten like they know what do to and I turn to them for advice. They are some of the truest friends in the world. I have no clue where or what I would be without their help. And what's worse is my grades are good but they are never good enough for me and this is really random but I have so many feelings bottled up inside I would like to scream. I was hoping tonight would have been better, seeing as I wanted Ash and Brit to come over and spend the night, that would have made it all so much better because I could be staying up late and watching Scooby Doo or something with them. They always make my life about 110% better. I am rambling on but I have no clue what to do with my life at this moment. They say high school is supposed to be enjoyable and a great experiance and so far all it is turning out to be is horrific, abusive and depressing I guess I will become immune to it one way or another. Well it's kinda late so I am going to sleep on everything I just said until tomarrow....G'nite all
 
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