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Monday, March 22nd, 2004
11:25 pm - I watched Television
There it was, in front of me. As the pictures unfolded I discovered a new sense of being. They tell me that dreams are in the most real sense, the only reality that we've got. I begin to wonder. Wander, I mean. It is fast becoming a grim idea, this surreal reality. Can we be but these floating sensibilities in an imperceptible web of illusory conceptions, buffetted by the whims of the ridiculous and the reasonings of sages, who for all we know, can be wise men trapped in the same snare too?
I shudder to think of these things. Maybe ignorance is bliss. But awareness of ignorance is torture. Knowing what it is you don't know, grasping the limited-ness of these senses that reveal what you would not, brings to me this growing fear of the unnatural. Aren't movies there to provide insight into the human nature? Could these monsters constructed from fiction reflect the monstrosities of its creators?
Plato might be right. After all, where would ideas come from in the first place, when these cannot exist in reality. I heard somewhere that in the end, even monsters have a reality to them. That dreams and these weird ramblings of the mind are merely a permutation of the perceived concretions that we can firmly and courageously pronounce as real indeed.
What is important is invisible. I read that from Antoine de St Exupery. Why must the vital be viciously plucked from our reach and kept from realization? Is it this that we are aware of and most ominously sense as the end of all things?
Mystery might be key to opening up the truth. But as with many realities, this reality is a paradox for the truth obliterates the mystery, so as revealing the essential makes it non-essential for it is now visible...
It captivates me however...

current mood: complacent

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Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
1:10 pm - Death to the Smooch
Great. It was good. The meeting. The groping.
Hot. It took me like a rush. The sighing. The moaning.
Cold. It left me but a while. The skin. The tongue.
Wet. It moistened my own. The breath. The whisper.
Long. It moved the living fire. The soul. The heart.
Urgent. It transformed into a monster. The eyes. The mouth.
Brazen. It pushed me down to my back. The strength. The speed.
Soft. It came to me gently. The caress. The mountain.

Gone. It got tired. The girl. The boy.
Alone. It started crying. The new. the unknown.
Dead. It left me, and it's been a while. The love. The Kiss.

current music: michael buble, kissing a fool

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Saturday, May 17th, 2003
11:56 am - Mists
Thought transcends the physical plains
Of the Firmament. Azaziel brings torches
Burning with incancdescence to match
The creatures of the Blue Divide. Come in
All manner of gargantuan ships, laden
With sick horror and fright of canine
Violets. Can thy arm strike down these jewels
from the same hand that holds them to thy heart?

Mountains crashing into the seas with tremors
Moving the earth to its final destination in the
Lonely path of a hundred light years, to its
Deathly end. Decisions made by barely conscious
Thought, control rescinded with the common wild
Flower. It exists only to die, to wither in the plains
As more tulips take root again, feeding on the carcasses
Of Ancestors in generations and legions before them.

True rhythm brings delight to the heart of the Griffin,
Found in the strings of beard feathers fluttering in a
Chain bound to the crucified criminals and ghouls.
It is but on a hill that their lives destined to burn out
In the final moment of breath taken. Sustenance
Means crying out for nails driving into flaccid arms
Worn out from earning a living in the dusty streets of
Rangoon.

Elves crawl out of their lair to taste humanity in the
Essence of knowing what it is to die, to live knowing
Death, to sleep dreaming the necropolis will soon
Be made home of the unknowing. They discover the
Workings, the cogs and wheels that drive man, his
Inner desires, are but a speck of the dust that covers
This vagrant terrestrial.

Meaning? there is none but that which is perceived.

current mood: geeky
current music: 'N sync song

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Friday, May 9th, 2003
10:25 am - Fire
Ablaze the landlubber goes. He seeks shelter in the watery home fathoms away... to protect him from this creature that bites, and nips and gobbles his flesh. It lives and soars within him, taking in the aromatic scents of fresh meat cooked alive. Solace, and contemplation he finds within the blaze. Shall he welcome his own destruction as would, or will he attempt to take his own life and keep it from the fury consummated in soot and ash?

The question of prepondering existence overwhelm to man as he staggers through the urban desert with no oasis to quench his thirst, to diminish the hunger of the demon holding him in a vise of pure energy and heat. This was no dream after all... This pain was no nightmare... This life was but a reality to behold in a snow globe, shaken so the flakes come down just right...

Remembrance of his own puny life suddenly becomes the struggle of the mind to suppress, the piracy, the murder, the heresies perpetrated by visions from the magic box and aural hallucinations from the sound maker. Who shall have memory of him? Who shall bury him and contemplate on the goodness absent from his very own wiry, fiery frame? In whom shall his own ambition grow and be fulfilled?

The answers racing through his mind, as the man melts sickeningly and fluidly down to the earth. he could not bring himselfto forbear the gravity with his hindpaws. Animality overtakes him, but it is overtaken by sheer will. The world passes though his eyes, and suddenly, clarity overcomes the man.

He realizes the golden solution to the innumerable acres of fields growing ripe queries to man, harbored by the greenhouse of human dignification of man's ideals. In that moment, the inferno takes his consciousness with noxious fumes and eats the brain of pure genius of the landlubber. Avast ye to your hold!

current mood: listless
current music: Male-sung Only hope

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Thursday, May 8th, 2003
9:46 pm - Days
Days pass the length of the blue sky, contemplating
on the coming end in a violence of violets
Forced down by the natural laws to obey the
Restrictions of Time laid down in the age
also long past.

Suns have come and gone, and we witness their life
and death in warped time travel, also bound by
immense distance and time itself.

Can the moon one day outshine the sun in its
Moment of utter darkness in the death of energy?
Can the earth outlive the giver of its own powers
Of regeneration?

Bring to me the answers on the gold leaf of the
Sunshine beam, and the silver of the moon.
Then, the stars shine down and all is bliss.

current mood: recumbent
current music: Abe

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Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
2:37 pm - Cell
floating, ascending and descending, rising, swerving, dipping.
the flight from intimacy has begun with the barest whisper of doubt,
the missing joy, the lacking touch destroys conventions perceived to be
forever, but reality beckons the lies return to the nether regions
of the unknown. barriers erected to stem the tide overwhelming
breached walls. to them belong nothingness. to us just blue words
consoling black hearts. again, the waves overwhelm, and there is no escape
from the encircling army of densities and light turned corrupt by
eternal night of the aurora, of the rippling metals borne to the surface by
angry solid plasma.
is this what the wait eternally done has been surpassed for? to be destroyed
in the blinding flash of heat, cold and destruction?

current mood: rushed
current music: consuelo

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Monday, May 5th, 2003
8:59 pm - Truth
When relativism takes the dawn to eternal dusk, the ant breaks out of the bee's hive to enter the world of darkness. Obscured are the time zones set by the Immortal, destroyed are the foundations of conventions set by Titans long gone, yet short-lived. Realization of universes of worlds within worlds within universes are broken in the black holes of perception. Will truth be found when reality is an unsure mold for the tabularasa's born into the world each day?

Again, the walk begins, and it seems to have no end.

current mood: complacent
current music: silence

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Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
9:20 pm - Again
darkness falls and there is no light to see the beginnings of my meandering journey toward the penultimate carbon. where is it, this atom of the perfect density as to restore life to ends of my bones and breathe forever the luscious quantification of equalities...

it cannot be found, my mind whispers its illumine comments in my unhearing ears. how can the effort of a thousand years lead to this, nothing but anguish and disappointment to feed insatiable curiosity. the drum of cardiac murmurs moves me forward, as life ends and begins again, to see this quest though to the end of it, where there is no end.

current mood: confused
current music: suporific R&B song

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Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
1:19 pm - Released
here i am, forlorn and worn from the ordeal of staying in. is it plausible to conceive any such manner of cooping up the human soul, trapped in the depths of solitude to contemplate wonders, to reach into other worlds, or just to flick on the TV and watch the latest news, and episodes. corny and silly, broken pacts taken

these are all lies. they make the devil squirm in jealousy at what man can do to himself. self-affliction has always been a tool for oppression, much less that of a half-wit teenager passing the time listening to old news about baghdad over and over again.

production and reproduction, now i know what it really is. they exist as a means to perpetuate more half-wit teenagers around the globe so that slowly, these all-pwerful tycoons and media giants can fool us into buying their products. sad, that i am a victim of instant yakisoba and canned corned beef while the "taste of travel" on the discovery channel demonstrates to me how to fillet a tiger fish while on the victoria falls.

blah blah.

current mood: apathetic
current music: ugly R&B song

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Saturday, April 26th, 2003
3:53 pm - Huh
this day unfolds as if there were nothing in the sun to hold it back from ending and beginning the real day for the night creatures to relive again. destruction of the light may wreak havoc on these beings living underground, but oh, not me. am i staying resilient to the balance of the ages, the ever rising query of time divided by existence, whither its quotient being life and the mind? supplication and pleas are not enough to grant me the wants and wishes of these dogs i try to hold a bay. cannot disease and illness take me too from this wretched end, of only blood and flesh torn apart by the jaws of uncontrollable pandemonium and deceit?

the dream unfolds more and more and awakenings begin to cease and the light stops coming to the rescue of miserable souls groveling in the night soil of those long dead. Napoleon may as well have conquered the Pyrenees else his mind be eaten by the Worm that has taken him history repast.

recollection brings me again to the youth long lost and forgotten, of the love and hope my pitiful and puny little cries brought into the wailing world as i emerged from the comfortable womb into a dimension of incomprehensible evil. can the unborn sense that they should not have dared leave that tomb of fluid love?

current mood: anxious
current music: a norah jones song

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Friday, April 25th, 2003
11:00 pm - Blow me down
Again, reason stands to challenge that there is something wrong with philosophy. It is too much to say that the hypotheticality of things merits discussion. Doesn't practicality and empiricism rule any reason? Isn't common sense the bane of any illogical link, any wandering discussion? Take for instance the fact the in philosophy, it is possible for motion to be impossible (in a certain context), and for it to be possible in a different context. Doesn't manipulation of your reality make you ponder on the validity of certain seemingly inherent truths about the world or your perception of it?

This day, I am faced with the unfair impossiblity of having more than one universe, because of the unfair definition that a "universe is everything". Therefore, if you take a hypothetically infinte black box, and put a whole cloned universe into it, there wouldn'st still be two universes because your reference point would change into "the cloned universe plus the original universe is the new universe", thus there will still be one universe.

These manipulations of the truth, basing it on unprovable (stubborn really) axioms are the illogical thing about philosophy. In the end, philosophy defeats itself.

current mood: content
current music: an 80s song

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Thursday, April 24th, 2003
9:45 pm - the day winds down
As could never be, the event of my summer has been postponed. Again, I am trapped in the confines of boringness and nothingness. How could one survive this, even want for this after long hours in school, doing work, studying and taking an exam... Then this hell of cold wanton (pun unintended)... too much.

I could not live like this. There has to be something to do to occupy my time... It's dreadful to find such a thing, when all the books in my shelf are read, and all the paperwork in the past. SPorts? WHo's to play with? And who's crazy enough to do such a thing in a heat that could cook you alive (else, leave you dehydrated from pouring out all your oils and juices merely standing in a corner). There should be more to this that can possibly be.

Is it that vacation was really meant for a vacation? Am I a silly work freak? what does one do for the unexpected lack of activity? Hope I can find happiness lazing around... but I can't.

current mood: restless
current music: some techno thing

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Monday, April 21st, 2003
10:25 am - At last
FREEDOM!!!

Afte being cooped up in my darn dorm, eating noodles and something microwaveable for lunch, and a chocolate-filled sandwich (CRUMPY!!) for dinner for a week, I feel liberated from that vicious cycle of Eat TV Eat TV Sleep again and again.

Anyway, it's time to prepare for this tournament in Malaysia! Aside from preparing to win, it's also preparing to go thee i the first place. So hard to canvass for prices!

Again, the mind bothers me, can we all overcome this sense of money making the world go round, making things possible? Why do we need to have these slips of paper determine the decisions that we make and curtail us of the right ot live life the way we want to live?...

current mood: contemplative
current music: Layla Kaylif song

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Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
1:57 pm - Tried
It's going to be a long "Holy Week" for me...

What's this holy celebration of Christ's life and death? Why only now do people feel the lenten spirit. Again, I think it is the ritualistic nature of all of these things that make people's morals ritualistic too, ie, being good seasonally.

This is sad for what is dubbed as a "Christian" country.

Again, have to fix the arrangements for our competition in Malaysia this May. Being so busy right now, and suddenly, all the travel agencies are closed til Monday. That's just bad bad bad.

current mood: cranky

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Monday, April 14th, 2003
4:05 pm - Ugh
Never in my life have I talked to so many strangers on the phone.

I was contacting different travel agencies for the Asians. Did about twenty, saying the same old things, being forwarded to so many offices, it's like being exposed and helpless, being dragged to so many places wondering how you would repeat your needed connecting flight at this certain time again and again, while wondering who this "April" is or "Chris" is.

The offers were just too high for the a round trip flight to and from our competition venue. All I can say is hmph.

Again, we need to watch out for the way this communication thing is going... I feel like with this system we are using, we are supposed to believe waht these people say, especially about the prices. We cannot verify by looking at their furtive eyes, or their nervous tremors whether they are lying or not... And that's why there are so many other prices that vary by as much as 100 dollars...

What's happening?

current mood: listless
current music: Some Norah Jones song

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Sunday, April 13th, 2003
1:38 pm - Again
Here, nothing to do... but to write. It seems to me that the track the world is taking today is very self-destructive. Most of the time, its a free-for-all. Invent something! Then find out that its destroyed the ozone layer. Many things are like that.

We feel that there is something in all that man did, but in the end, its a very unwise, unthought-of thing. We still haven't anwered the basic questions about life, just found out more questions to ask about it. What's happening is that more information is available... but less analysis and understanding is given.

Tak for example genetic testing. We can go into that field if we want. In the end, a government may authorize or even mandate it, and engineering. WHat implications are to be taken into consideration? Does it all depend on who's elected at that point in time? Where is society going to...

I don't know... and that runs a shiver down my spine

current mood: scared
current music: Rivermaya song

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Saturday, April 12th, 2003
2:44 pm - The WAR?
The conflict in Iraq seems to be over. Already, the US is seeing itself still playing a big role in the managing of a post-"war" Iraq. What is still wrong in this conflict is that it is all one-sided.

For one, the war itself is unilateral. The so-called coalition was formed with bargaining from the United States and their convincing offers (trade etcetera). This is not tru winning over but seems to me as extortion (like blackmailing Third World countries for trade) and mere hypocrisy. No, I'm not one of Saddam's minions. It's just that the backing of "52" unidentified countries is not in a sense ideologically real. There was still the intrusion of sovereignty. The major protocol for war was not followed (Iraq still did agree to a war for the settlement of this conflict. This is part of the protocol, that BOTH SIDES SHOULD AGREE THAT WAR IS THE ONLY OPTION). This makes the war truly one-sided.

Second, the US still claims not to be a policing force, and did not prevent the looting of many hospitals of precious medical supplies, or of the central bank. Doesn't going into the city, bombing it and invading it make you responsible for making sure everything's fine, not blaming an absent (or dead) police force? THeir excuses make everything sound so silly.

Third, the United States and its "coalition" have vested interest, unhidden and undenied, in the economy of Iraq. Even one of the coalition countries, the Philippines, is already asking the United States to find some way of finding employment in Iraq for 100,000 domestic workers and other jobseekers. Oil is also up for grabs. The UN will still find itself in a deadlock on this in the years to come.

Most important, the United States has not found the reason for their going inside Iraq, that is, weapons of mass destruction. After claiming to the UN to have evidence for that (except, they couldn't release it because of "intelligence reasons" for possible invasion), they are now offering rewards for information regarding WMD. So stupid, their intelligence seems to be. They can't show us what or where the stimulus for the whole operation is, their previous claim of pre-emptive action, of protecting the world. Seems the inspectors were right after all.

Again, there is still the issue fo North Korea. The ridculous claims and arguments made by the senile premier are not the issue here. THe question is: What will be done with North Korea? Why doesn't the US take the same reasons (WMD) in invading North Korea? Isn't the threat already known, unlike Iraq, or is it really because again of Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD, the most fitting acronym I have ever found)? But these questions are muddling up the central one, which is "does anyone have the right to declare war, in spite of an international body formed to mediate, and despite evidence to the contrary"?.

The answer to those questions will still weigh heavily on other people's minds as the real nuclear powers in the world, wield their own over small, budding nuclear powers... and maybe, on the ones without the power to defend themselves.

current mood: grumpy

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2:42 pm - Great
Just great, I'm all alone in apartment with nothing to do. It's getting boring and I want to do something. Contrary to what other people think, doing nothing is not what a vacation is about. It's supposed to involve still doing something, but something that's leisurely.

Taking up Spanish might be an option...

THe asians are on... but I wish that some more people would join, for fear of getting it canceled...

current mood: cranky

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Friday, April 11th, 2003
4:51 pm - Bring home
Cheated. Just plain cheated. That's how I feel about this contest our group entered. Lost on technicalities, in spite of winning by a far (a VERY FAR) margin. If the world weren't so bad this time... Something's gonna take the thrashing I want to give out... But acceptance is all I can do. It's the right thing, right?

WE are all alone in this tournament venture. It's so sad that an oppurtunity for international competition is spoiled by the realities that envelop this world. Bring in the clowns. Send in the ravens. Where have all the debaters gone? Just to friendlies everyone. How will they ever learn? How will they ever learn...

current mood: pissed off
current music: Ashanti song

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4:47 pm - Bring home
Cheated. Just plain cheated. That's how I feel about this contest our group entered. Lost on technicalities, in spite of winning by a far (a VERY FAR) margin. If the world weren't so bad this time... Something's gonna take the thrashing I want to give out... But acceptance is all I can do. It's the right thing, right?

WE are all alone in this tournament venture. It's so sad that an oppurtunity for international competition is spoiled by the realities that envelop this world. Bring in the clowns. Send in the ravens. Where have all the debaters gone? Just to friendlies everyone. How will they ever learn? How will they ever learn...

current mood: pissed off
current music: Ashanti song

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