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| i have a new journal |
[24 Mar 2004|09:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Finish line--Yellowcard |
] |
yes, i'm a quitter. yes i run away when i'm scared. yes i distance myself when i feel incompetent. but that's me. that's who i always was. and that's who i'll always be. let the disappointment sink in because at this point, i can't do anything to make that go away. i've disappointed enough people in my life, i think i'm sort of used to it. i'm used to feeling inadequate. and i accept it. i accpet who i am... because i don't really know any better. i dont know how to achieve goals... because i've never achieved them before. and i can't explain it in any more words than i already have.
rough night.
i think i'm going to stop writing in this. if you really want to pick my distorted brain and see what i'm up to, let me know... i just might let you in. until then...... lata skata
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| quick update |
[22 Mar 2004|08:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Like A Movie --Midtown-- |
] |
The weekend flew by. I seriously blinked my eyes, and it was over. But within that one blink, contained a whole shit load of fun. I had a really kick ass time.
..SATURDAY..
--> aaron lewis is a god
--> aaron lewis is still a god
--> gambled
--> gambled some more
--> drank
--> gambled
--> drank
--> drank
--> gambled
--> drank
--> gambled
--> went through the mcdonalds drive though in a cab, drunk.
--> ate mcdonalds in annie and billy's room, drunk
--> passed out
..SUNDAY..
--> refused to wake up
--> woke up
--> gambled
--> had the best buffet ever!!
--> tummy ache
--> nauseous
--> christian's house
--> sopranos
that was my weekend in a nutshell. yup..
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| pull me out from inside |
[20 Mar 2004|12:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 satisfied |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Colorblind- Counting Crows |
] |
wow, i forogt this feeling. the feeling of not caring. of feeling nothing but good inside. it might be artificial, it might be manufactured... but it feels enlightening. somewhat golden, like the afternoons we used to spend before you got to kewl. haha.. i'm such a loser.
today was nonsense. we had a delayed opening at work because of the weather. i'm getting rather sick of mother nature's bi-polar personality. one minute, it's freezing cold and it looks like there's a blizzard outside. The next minute, it's beauitful out... the birds are singing, the sun in shinning. Then she throws in some rain to really confuse the shit out of you. so here we are... so bamboozled over this peculiar weather pattern. BITCH, make up your damn mind... stop playing fucking games and pick either snow ... or sun? not both in one day. douche..
that felt good
I was 2.5% productive today. I did some laundry. I watched Cruel Intentions. I found myself crying at that part where ryan phillippe meets her at the top of the escalator, and counting crows is playing in the background. I was... almost sobbing.. LOL. I think period is taking over my body (sorry boys...). I've been like super sensative and super emotional this week. Thanks biatch.
Saturday I will be enjoying myself in AC. I will consume heavy amounts of alcohol on your behalf and I will rawk out with my cock out. And even perhaps, hang out with my wang out. :P Don't ask.. just in one of those moods. Let fucking enjoy it god damnit!
Does anyone know of a good video hosting site? Free would be nice. Telling me would be even nicer. I'll give you a girl scout cookie :P
I'll give you 3? I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the debauchery that could and would probably take place in the next two days. maybe i'm just psyching myself out. watch it's like extremely boring and i have all but 0% fun. eek.. that would surely suck ass. i'm going to shut up now. i think i should...
i am folded and unfolded and unfolding.
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| Morning |
[19 Mar 2004|08:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 groggy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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we're nothing without you- Juliana Theory |
] |
I don't have to go into work until 10am. Which means, I'll go in around 11-12ish.. :D I decided to stay up because if i went back to bed, i probably wouldn't get up until 2pm... so this is the safest bet. I'm eating Irish Soda Bread. OMG it's so delicious.
This weekend is going to rawk. Christian, Me, Drey, Annie and Billy are going to Atlantic City. We're going to see Aaron Lewis do a solo performance, Drink insane amounts of Alcohol and Gamble. You know, a year ago, it was so nice outside that we hung out on the beach during the day. I remember that because yesterday was Christian's Birthday and last year, me, christian and annie went to the beach during the day. And now, it's 33 degrees and snowing. bag humbug!
2 of my co-workers are going o Jamaica today. No, not jamaica queens... jamaica jamaica!! i'm jealous. i want to go on vacation! in october, i'm going to san fransisco with christian. if it turns out that he can't go because of nypd reasons... then me and annie are going to LA :) either way, awww siiit.
Ok.. this is gay, i'm outa here..
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[18 Mar 2004|11:13pm] |
There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.
There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.
There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.
And it's whispered that soon if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.
Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
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[17 Mar 2004|04:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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hurt |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Something Corporate |
] |
if you ran to the end of the earth
i would catch you and you would be safe
if you fell down the well
i would bring you a rope and take all the pain
all the pain, all the pain
that you hide from me everyday
if youre missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
because I find myself in you
if i woke up alone i won't stop till i'll find you and you are with me
cause by now, i know you better than you know yourself
and i know what you really need
what you need, or i need
but either way this is where you should be
here with me, or ill bleed so much that you wont believe
if you're missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
because I find myself in you
you better not, you better not run
you better not, you better not run
if you're missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
i will find you
i will find you
i will find you
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| the road tonight is cold with ice.. |
[16 Mar 2004|11:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Further North --Jets to Brazil-- |
] |
May the road rise up to meet you,
the wind always be at your back,
the sun shine upon your sweet face,
the rains always fall softly on your fields,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
--An Irish Prayer--
I decided to take Wednesday off. I have a speech that requires a lot of research and thought put into it. And my weekends are filled with drinking activities and sleep... there's no time for school work. So why not, take a day off :P
I talked things out with Alex. We are on the same page. Sometimes I can be harsh. When I'm in bitch mode, I advise everyone to stay away... it's dangerous. But usually, people piss me off. Wheather they mean it or not, I still get irate over it. 0 to BITCH in .02 seconds... yeah that's me.
I talked to my cousin Kim today. I miss her! I told her what's been going on with me and my mom. She understands because her dad (my mom's brother) is the same way. It was a nice comfort to talk to her about it. She says I'm her little sister.. we almost started crying to each other.. LOL..
It's ugly outside. I hate snow. Snow makes everything SUCK! I didn't go to school to take my midterm. Hmm.. risk getting in an accident? No thank you. I'd rather stay home where it's safe. Or is it...? My mom made cornbeef, cabbage and potatoes. I asked my dad if I could have some, so he saved me some. And they were OOO-so good. I was thinking... I haven't eaten a real at-home dinner with my parents in almost 6 or 7 years. I haven't because I want to avoid as many negative conversations as possible. can i get an amen?
I'm pissed because I have to go to class while everyone's drinking it up. Maybe I'll go to Lilly's with my dad for a little bit. Anyhoo.. I'm bored...I feel like being productive. I'm going to clean my room. Or at least attempt to clean my room.
=XOXO=
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| maybe i'm being selfish? |
[15 Mar 2004|11:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Ten Minutes --Get up kids-- |
] |
I have a lot of sympathy to give out today. First, most of my sympathy goes out to my dad. I don’t really want to talk about it… but he gets the big portion of my sorrow today.
Secondly, I have some sympathy for myself. Yes, for me. I thought I had friends. Friends who are there for each other in times of need. Friends who listen to each other in times of need. Friends who will let you cry on their shoulder in times of need. Well, looks like a big fucking disappointment. What the hell have I been bitching about for the past 2 months? Perhaps you were just saying “sorry to hear that… things will change” just to shut me up? Because I take friendship VERY seriously. I don’t have a family to lean on… I have my friends… and I am very sensitive when I feel like I don’t matter. It’s not a feeling that I work well with. And when the last person that I think would fail to ‘be there’ for me does… makes me feel like I’m just another insignificant person on your list.
I’m pretty much disillusioned with people these days. It’s rather sad actually. And I also don’t understand why people feel the need to lie to me. I hate dishonesty. It’s so repulsive. I know when people lie. One of my friends is a pathological liar… I know all the signs and voice tones… can’t get shit passed me. dummy’s!
i'm done being the person that everyone shits on. it ends now.
On that note.. i shall end it with a funny ass quote from the sopranos:
"I mean he's like Judas or something. Eating that last supper with Jesus..and the whole time he knows they're going to crusify him. I mean, Judas didn't go into any apostle protection program" --Rosalie Apreil--
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[11 Mar 2004|08:10pm] |
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[ edit ] dish network rawks. my mistake...
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| I've got a big fat fuckin bone to pick with you my darling |
[10 Mar 2004|11:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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.....akaline trio..... |
] |
Shaking like a dog shittin' razorblades
fuck u dish network. u suck big floppy donkey dick and u fucking know it.
waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me
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| bleh fuckers |
[08 Mar 2004|11:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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in keeping secrets of silent Earth 3 --Coheed & Cambria-- |
] |
bored. tired. goodnight.
( Survey Whore )
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| The Real Thing.. |
[07 Mar 2004|11:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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moody |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Tiger Lily --Matchbook Romance-- |
] |
hi, i'm earth... have we met?
back to reality. back to a purposely silent house. back to long days and stressful nights. back to wet eyes and aches all over. this past week has been a relaxing one. a happy one. i have never been so happy to be home before... and now... i feel like dying. just the thought of all to come is heartbreaking.
so here i am... back to square one. i think that lifetime should make a movie about me. granted, i haven't been raped or never had a eating disorder... (besides the time i took diet pills).. i have a pretty rocky life. someone could definitely make a movie about me. but would there be a happy ending?
i should really stop being all manic depressive. i had a great week... and i should enjoy that memory. not frown upon what comes next. (thanx alex) i believe that i will be okay. i believe that there is life after pain. and i also believe that people must feel pain to feel love. if it is with your significant other, or someone you really care about... pain makes you stronger. and you may not realize it or believe it at the time... but you survived it. you came out without a scratch.
easier said then done... i know. so anyhoo...
today was dandy. i met up with kim and marc and showed them the south shore. i really hope they move to long island. that would be really gnarly. we went to friday's with them and jill, drew and brian. good times. it was nice to see everyone again. kim got me my vans bag i desperately wanted. they match my rowley's... kick ass!
i came home and met up with annie and billy. tonight was THE night. the SOPRANOS. *bows head* it was way kewl. i'm just glad it's back on again. in fact, i'm going to watch it again on HBO west. aww shit.
we booked our hotel for atlantic city. that's going to rawk. i feel like i've been so busy lately. and perhaps i have... but sometimes i just need to think. just sit back and analyze everything. sometimes thinking can hurt like a bitch... but you can't be in denial forever.
christian left tonight to go back home. he spent the week with me since my parents went away. i must say, it was an awesome week. i came home for lunch and saw him before i went to bed and when i woke up. and that's partly why i am a little moody tonight. i wish we lived together. even if though i saw him 3 hours each day... that made a difference in my life. it made me happy. and i am truely happy when i am with him. (can you pass the cheese?) :D
my house is clean. at least i think it is. i probably left a ciggarette butt somewhere around here and beer bottles and mud from my shoes... but what do u expect. you tell me you're going on vacation 4 days before you actually go... i'm going to make a damn mess... and when you get back from your precious hawaii vacation... you're going to have to clean it all up! haa haa.. i'm evil and i love it. goodnight.
i'll be going through withdrawal of you for this one night week we have spent
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[07 Mar 2004|12:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 good |
] |
| [ |
music |
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highway 61 revisited - BOB DLYAN |
] |
woo hoo for tequilla and malibu rum.
no hangover and the sun is shinning. can't get any better than that.
:D
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| kyle quit the band! |
[05 Mar 2004|01:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
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bored |
] |
Last week, Kyle quit the band,
Now we're back together, uh.
Misunderstanding, didn't understand.
It doesn't matter, now we're back together again.
A-la la la la la.
Couldn't split up Kato and Nash. (that's true)
Couldn't split up Tango and Cash.
That's also true!
This is our song of exultant joy because
We only came to kick some ass.
Rock the fuckin' house and kick some ass.
What we gonna do with all the cash?
Smoke hash, and then we thrash.
We'll throw a big ol' bash y'all.
And everyone is invited to the bash.
And everyone you're all invited to the bash!
C'mon Kyle, one time c'mon!
---the end---
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| shaa! |
[03 Mar 2004|04:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Delirium Trigger - COHEED AND CAMBRIA - |
] |
when i was a kid, my family and i went to london. and my mom took me to the zoo but wouldn't let me ride the camel. even after 2 hours of crying and begging her.. she still wouldn't let me ride the camel. do you know how heartbreaking that is for a kid? when all the other kids are having fun riding this huge stinky animal... but all you get to do is sit back and watch because your mom is videotaping every kid in london get a camel ride expect you? but... she let me ride the pony. the pony was the size of my dog and nobody wanted to ride it... but guess who was allowed to ride the smallest pony on earth?? ..exactly..
parents don't think kids will remember... ooh but we do. we remember it all... how traumatizing a simple camel ride --or lack there of-- could be. damn parents. i promise you this, my children will get to ride the camels at the london zoo and they'll appreciate me for it. biiatch.
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[28 Feb 2004|02:13am] |
b r i g h t e y e s
jealous?
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| oh |
[27 Feb 2004|01:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drunk |
] |
| [ |
music |
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-NIN- |
] |
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become
my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
malibu baybreezes, chocolate martini, and blackhouse... things make sense now.
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[25 Feb 2004|11:33pm] |
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worthless: of no value, insignificant, useless.
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| And I wait until the weekend comes |
[24 Feb 2004|09:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
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A few minutes on Friday--Bright eyes |
] |
tomorrow is going to be a busy day. big shots from our corporate office are coming to visit us to basically see how they're spending their money. i hope i don't sound like a moron. i usually do. i am just one big gigantic moran!
i had the funniest conversation with annie. we're so different but yet, so much alike. we have the same morals and beliefs... and we take pleasure in making fun of people who stray away from our beliefs. and it is set in stone that no matter what, we will always be friends. 'through think and thin' i told her that she is stuck with me. and believe you me... being stuck with me is a god damn delight :D
i'm really stoked about the weekend! it needs to be friday like right now. i think friday i get paid. i hope i do! and pay day is quite spectacular. saturday is bright eyes! woowie.. that's going to be so rad. sunday i am going to the city with christian, annie and billy. i found a jamba juice in the city and we're going to do it cali style and stock up on all the jamba in nyc. we're going to spend the day in the city.. i want to go to the village. i hope we have good weather..
and sunday is also the day my parents go to hawaii for a week. aww yeah. although i'll be working and going to school... at least i won't be ignored by anyone. yeah man. i'm watching the real world. and then i'm going to watch the osbournes. i'm a busy girl.. try and keep up.
( Survey For The Bored )
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| why? because i love you.. |
[23 Feb 2004|11:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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A Plain Morning ::Dashboard:: |
] |
i have realized that during the week... i am insane. and on the weekends i am sane. christian insists that i have too much time to think. too much time? why do i feel like i have no time at all? and when is it so wrong to think? i like thinking. even if it's the most painful thoughts that could enter my mind... at least i am confronting my feelings rather than hiding them. and i'm sick of hiding them.
so it's monday. and monday's are hard. but this monday actually went smoothly. huh? did i write that correctly? uh.. yeah. so work was decent. it was still annoying but it wasn't as bad as most mondays. so that made it a lot easier.
class was harsh. i had to really fight with myself to stay awake. i have a statistics test next week. but we convinced my professor to make it an open book.. haha, sucker!! so maybe i have a chance of passing? cross those fingers... because if i don't pass.. i think i seriously need to re-evaluate my intelligence.
i came home and was talking to my dad about my W-2 forms and when he's going to our accountants office to file our taxes.. and he said "OOH, SOMETIME AFTER HAWAII" um.. what?!? i yelled at him about how he never tells me anything anymore. um yeah, they're going to hawaii on the 29th. i mean, that's kewl because par-tay time... but i would just love to be in the loop of things. and now i feel like my dad is leaving me out in the dark. not kewl.
i had a conversation --a venting session-- with christian about my mom. i spilled it all on the table. and i usually tend to stay away from that topic with him. i feel like i am boring him or i am just annoying. and the truth might be that i am annoying and boring.. but i'm his girlfriend, he has to listen to what i have to say no matter what. right? right!
i was thinking about that valentine's day card i got my mom. and i realized.. that she didn't even say thank you. i tried. i really did. i looked past my pride and decided to be nice. to be HUMAN. but i guess she didn't buy into that. she must really hate me. wow. have you ever heard about a mom hating their child? well, you just did. may this be a lesson to you all... raise your child with a lot of love. show them they are appreciated. never put them down. never tell them they are worthless. never tell them that they wish they weren't in your life. and NEVER... ever ignore them. you better take my advice and words of wisdom or you'll kid will end up like me. you'll have a kid who cries at the sound of the word 'mom' a kid who will be in pain every day of the year. a kid who will question why they exist. would u want that for your child? i know i wouldn't. and i swear on my life... i will never raise my child like that. FUCK what all that sociology bull shit says about how parents raise their kids like they were raised. FUCK THAT! i am NEVER raising my child like that. i've learned. i've experienced. and you should too.
that felt nice. almost as nice as an ice cream cone on a hot day. or wild monkey sex. i took some pictures because i am a picture whore. deal with it. ( Pictures for whores.. )
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| A LONG ENTRY ABOUT NOTHING |
[22 Feb 2004|09:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Paranoid ::Black Sabbath |
] |
i am dreading all that monday is. because all monday's are... are mini-heart attacks. just the pre-death of me. monday's are none the less the shittiest days of my life. tomorrow especially because i start classes again. BLEH:SLKEFJ!!!!!! how depressing. just thinking about it makes me want to jump fucking ship.
on a happier note... the weekend was nice. saturday i hung out with christian. we went to the mall and looked at things we can't afford to buy. that really isn't any fun but being with him made it easier. we went to friday's with drey. after that... we hit up this bar to see this band. and truthfully.. it sucked. well, the band was okay but the bar itself just sucked. there were a lot of biker dudes and just didn't feel comfy there. i miss my muls.. :/
OOH... get this.. so i come home from the bar and my parents car isn't there. and it's late... usually they are tucked in bed at that hour. so i got a little worried. yes, me worried about my parents, go fucking figure. so i woke up my cousin to ask where they were and she told me they went to vermont. WHAT THE FUCK!?!??? they couldn't fucking tell me? i took out my dog because she hasn't been out all day... and if i didn't know, then i wouldn't have done it. i just get pissed on how i'm always the last to know things. or... they just neglect to tell me. anyhoo...
so christian and i woke up and watched pretty woman. that movie is the best. i can watch it a million times and still laugh and cry at the end. cough::loser::cough. we went to ihop. that place rocks. i saw my old co-worker from mandees. that was a nice surprise. we also played some basketball. my rim is all fucked up... but still does the job. we watched like 2 hours of family guy. i have to say, that is one of my favorite tv shows. oh.. just to let you know.. 14 more days till sopranos. i saw a new comercial on hbo the other night and i seriously almost shaaat myself. it was intense. whoa.
ooh, so my parents came home and i started yelling at them. well at my dad because i'm still not talking to my mom. and he's like "ooh, i told u we were leaving saturday morning and u just rolled over and went back to sleep" haha... WHAT THE FUCK!? how are you going to tell me the morning you are leaving... while i'm sleeping? that is so dumb. i honestly think my parents cheated there way through school.. because they are just the dumbest living creatures on the face of the earth.
ooh.. just to let everyone know.. ozzfest this summer is going to kick major ass!! finally a line-up with fucking METAL. real old school fucking metal. JUDAS PRIEST, SLAYER, BLACK LABEL SOCIET, SLIPKNOT, HATEBREED, LAMB OF GOD!! holy canolli! that's fucking super sweet. i'm there man. AND.. my friend shawn is going to be working on the slipknot, fear factory, sworn enemy tour before ozzyfest and he said that when they're at roseland.... i got the hookup. aww sit. backstage with the metal heads once again. party time.. excellent!!
i have a headache. perhaps it's a pre-monday headache? or maybe i'm just thirsty? i think the second one. so i'm going to down some advil and watch a flick. i need to relax. i'm so tense. so a movie it is... saweet.
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| The moon hangs like the blade of an axe tonight |
[21 Feb 2004|04:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
all i'm losing is me ::saves the day:: |
] |
work SUCKS!!!! i'm really getting annoyed at all the idiots that surround me. i need a new job. i can't deal with the constant bitching and backstabbing that goes on there. it's insane. it's so not a healthy place to work at. nothing but fucking high school drama. aren't we all adults? at least i act like one.... damn children.
once i stepped foot out of there, i felt good. i had a good night. i stuffed my face with junk food. what else is new? i'm going to a bar saturday night. wooo! i haven't been to one in years. well in alcoholic time, it's years but in normal human time it's a few weeks. i'm stoked. i'm going to see my co-worker's brother's band play. it should be gnarly.
it's time for bed... 4:34am.. wtf am i doing up? i'm like half asleep typing. damn loser.
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[20 Feb 2004|12:45am] |
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don't try to fix me i'm not broken
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| so much thought when there's silence |
[19 Feb 2004|03:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
stinkfist :: TOOL :: |
] |
thinking. so much to think about. so much to hate... and so much to love. and sometimes i feel stuck in the middle of both. i know that nobody has the 'perfect' life. and i don't want the 'perfect' life. i want a happy one. not a life that is good on the weekends. and i want a mom. i want a mom who will actually speak to me. love me. appreciate me. respect me. i haven't talked to my mom in over a month. and everybody's been asking me about it. i act like i just shrug it off.. but inside, i'm hysterical crying.
on valentine's day i got her a card. i was trying to look for the card that had the least amount of writing in it. it said.. "mom, i love you. happy valentine's day" i don't know why i got it for her. perhaps, i just want to tell her that without actually saying it. because i know if i said that to her... she'd walk away from me.
i'm trying so hard to deal with this. i sometimes force myself NOT to think about it. i force happiness on myself when in reality i'm just miserable. and i'm so sick of people telling me how happy i am. how the fuck do u know? if i'm so happy, why am i crying all the time? if i'm so happy, why is there so much silence in this house?
i hate myself sometimes. i hate how selfish and depressing i can be. but i can't help that. i can't help the way i feel. my life is going no where. i just feel like a big lump of shit. lol.
whatever. i'm done bitching for the night. i need to get over this mommy complex or it's really going to kill me one day.
|
|
| you ain't kewl, unless you pee your pants |
[18 Feb 2004|03:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Touch ::bright eyes |
] |
tuesday was much better than monday. about 10 times better :) work was decent. it was busy... but time went by fast. i actually went out tonight. i decided not to be a hermit. plus, a friend was in need. so i came to her rescue. i love talking to people about life, experiences, and music. it just brings me happiness to share something with someone who can truly understand me. someone who looks past the bitch and sees the real me. someone who i am brutally honest with and they appreciate my brutal honesty. someone who i can share my deepest secrets and most painful moments with. that's what you call a friend. and i'm so lucky that i have that.
friends are so fortunate these days. sometimes i don't think i have any. but that's because i shut everyone out. and i really have to stop doing that. bad jess!! thankfully tonight, made me realize how priceless people really are. you may not really see it or think about it, but step back... take a look at the people who catch you when you fall... the people who wipe your tears and hold your hand. the people who will listen to you bitch and moan about the same things over and over. those are friends. those are my friends. and i am lucky. for if it wasn't for them, i probably wouldn't be here writing about how much i love them. they give me the strength that i never knew i had. even if i had one "true" friend in the world, i would be just as happy... because at least i know, that ONE person gives a shit about me. makes sense...
that was enlightening :D
i went to visit christian at 1am. as tired as i was, i did it. since we only get to see each other over the weekends, 30 minutes out of the week makes a difference. so to re-cap the day: work...OK. friends...RAWK. boyfriend...SPECIAL.
sweet dreams are made of these, good night :)
|
|
|
[17 Feb 2004|12:44am] |
Hey dad mom look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to the plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me
Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand
Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
This song has a strong resemblance to my life. hence why i posted it. well that is all. good night
|
|
|
[16 Feb 2004|08:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Dancing through sunday :: AFI |
] |
i called in sick at 7:30am. i don't know if i made the right choice to stay home because i was so introverted today. my parents were home and yet silence filled the air. i watched enter the dragon and found myself falling asleep for a few hours. i woke up and it was dark out. i hate when i do that. i felt really lonely, depressed and just not normal. i don't really like that feeling. i regreted not going into work. if i was at work, i think i would have felt better. oh well...
my room is still a disaster area. i think i am going to clean and watch finding nemo. maybe that will cheer me up.
later
|
|
| yep |
[16 Feb 2004|02:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
seventy times 7 ::brand new |
] |
i am not going into work tomorrow. after last week's stressful disaster... i deserve the day off. i'm really tired. i did a lot of errands/shopping today. my room is a danger zone. it's a crazy ass mess right now.
bleh.
i'm out.. later :P
|
|
|
[15 Feb 2004|02:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giggly |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
jane says ::janes addiction |
] |
2 words: FUCKING GNARLY! One day filled with laughter and love. Can't get any better than that! It was splendid! Dinner was a little weird but it was still nice. The drinks were suprub. And watching Cops was even better ;)
I took some pictures today because I'm just that kewl...
( Me being Kewl )
|
|
| the clouds parted for me today |
[14 Feb 2004|05:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Luckiest :: Ben Folds |
] |
today was awesome. i guess my "theory" on life is pretty much bull shit. work was so gnarly. it was relaxed and just care free. i loved it. good vibes. happy camper.
after work i picked up christian from the train station. we did some errands. i swear to god, target is like a bad omen for my wallet. i spend so much money in there, i might as well give them my paycheck. i got myself a feather bed... and woo hoo, it makes my bed 10x more comfy. :D
we got some taco bell and i must say i'm beginning to see an addiction to the mexican pizza. lol. simply amazing. we went to blockbuster and got pirates of the caribbean. we've never seen it and johnny depp and orlando bloom... wowzers. sadly enough, we fell asleep halfway through the movie. but luckily i have it until next saturday. to reiterate myself... i'm stoked about my vacation from class. i have many plans for myself. nothing but sleep and being a bum. brings a big smile to my face :D <-- see.
i saw an episode of OZ that seriously made me cry. i love that show!!
i saw the line-up for surf and skate. oh it's on like donkey kong! i'm so there. well, i am exhausted so this is it.
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
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|
|
[13 Feb 2004|12:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bleed Black :: AFI |
] |
another layout change. sorry conor... but the boredom has set in. in my last entry i wrote: after every good day, a bad one follows. and today work was good. lol. what the fuck?? seriously... ups and downs.. hmm.. sort of like my emotions these days huh? well, work was calm. i was super busy, but at least there was good vibes through the air. but... tomorrow is friday and if you follow my theme of life, then tomorrow is a bad day. friday's are always hectic.. nothing new.
blehslk;fjksd
i had an astonomy test. HAHA.. that was a joke. but the joke is on me. i cheated and i know i still failed. DOUCHE! but i had some awesome conversations with andrew. that dude is nutty. actually, everyone was asking each other for answers right in front of my professor.. but the funny thing was... nobody knew anything. so we couldn't even help each other out. DOUCHE!
i got out of school early so i came home. i was starving but my "mother" was in the kitchen so i chose not to appear there. i'd rather not see her, then be in silence around her. we haven't said one word to each other in a month. not one word. no eye contact. just silence. and like i've always asked.. "what's better, painful words? or no words at all?" and to me, they both sort of equal out. well, the silence is nice because she's not throwing pain at me, but yet, silence hurts. and painful words... are painful. so... i'm left in the dark i guess.
annie was talking about how much her mom means to her.. and how she couldn't live without her. and how much she misses her. and i almost started bawling. it's even painful to hear how happy my friends can be. i just can't win... :/
tomorrow's friday the 13th. why am i filled with useless information? i am just one big ball of useless space. well it's past my bedtime.
cheers!
|
|
|
[11 Feb 2004|10:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
full |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Poison Girl ::HIM:: |
] |
after every good day... a bad one follows.
and today... bad. work was once again hectic and tiresome. i think i am going to look for another place to work.. because things could possibly get very stressful.. and i didn't sign up for this. i can't handle stress 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. so i'm putting my resume on monster and hot jobs.com and hopefully things will brighten up for me. they better... or else!
i had to make a speech in my public speaking class about an object that represents me. so i spoke about my guitar. i had to bring it in too. i was so nervous. i don't know why? the funny thing is, i can talk to the whole class about anything but when it comes to standing in front of a room of people, i lose it. lol. why am i so weird? but they liked my speech. they even asked me to play, but there wasn't any time for my rockstarness to come out. lol.. yeah right.
i just stuffed my face. and my tummy hurts. i feel like it's going to explode. ouch.
i talked to someone who i really missed today. it was nice. as my friend annie always says.. "you should always try to salvage a friendship. for they are so rare and beautiful." and i totally agree.. but some friendships aren't worth it to me. is that wrong of me to say? i've been through so many "friends" in my time, that i don't really trust anybody. Why should i? people who are very trusting... often get hurt. and i'm tired of being hurt. hurt by friends, boyfriends and parents.. i'm fucking done with that shit. i guard myself so well now. and granted, there are some things that you can't prevent from happening. but at least i am prepared.
i am so stoked that this weekend is near by. i need a break. just a break from my everyday routine. and next week... no classes. that is gnarly. yes, i said gnarly. well... i'm going to lie down and hopefully my fat ass won't break my bed. so farewell children..
[ XOXO ]
|
|
|
[10 Feb 2004|11:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hollywood and Vine ::Matchbook Romance |
] |
tuesday's gone with the wind. my baby's gone with the wind.
--a little lynard skynard for you---
Today wasn't half bad. A lot better than yesterday's tragedies. Yesterday was one big stress ball that exploded right in my face. Today was more calm and composed. Work… well I dealt with work. Things could have easily been horrifying but I found ways to go around it. And with events that are taking place at work, I am going to be taking on a bigger workload. So I guess I better get used to it.
School was the usual… I seriously hate my astronomy class. My teacher is such a douche. He doesn’t want to be there, so he makes our lives miserable. He barely teaches and when he does, it’s for like 5 minutes. It’s really a joke. But in the end… you still have to pass. So it’s a little stressful trying to teach myself what my professor should be teaching. God damn DOUCHE BAG!
I saw Christian tonight. Wooo! Wasn’t for too long but that’s okie. I have my public speaking class tomorrow. I like that class but it sucks balls that it’s 3 hours long. I have to lug my guitar to class for my speech. I think I’m going to bring my acoustic. It has more meaning to me. yeah man. So.. that’s basically it for Tuesday. I am calling it another early night. I need my sleepy.
[ xoxo ]
|
|
| monday morning and time to get out of bed work sucks this is the part that i dread |
[09 Feb 2004|10:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Monday Morning ::Student Rick:: |
] |
Today was pure shit. I barely slept and I was late to work. Work was horrible. I can’t stand that place anymore. I don’t get paid enough to do 3 jobs. Not only was I overwhelmed with work today, everything went wrong. Every file I touched was bad luck. It was ridiculous. I didn’t even go to class tonight. I was so stressed out. So exhausted. So mentally drained. There was no way in hell I was sitting in a 3 hour statistics class after the day I had. Fuck that!
So the cranky/irritableness continues…
I did however get some of my laundry done. Finally. I knew that if I went to class tonight, my laundry would just sit there… and I would have to go to work naked. Who wants to see that mess? I sure don’t.
I’ve been listening to TOOL and A Perfect Circle like crazy. Maynard is a genius. His words are so powerful and raw. I love it. I love him. APC is having a show out in Jersey. I want to go. But my funds are low these days. Sucks for me I guess…
I am tired. I am going to lie down and just sink into my bed.
i’m sitting here trying to find myself and i feel like i’m heading nowhere It’s only monday. sunny monday and nothing’s going my way forgotten tragedy it only rains on me but i’m still breathing will this day ever end it’s only monday times are changing
--i cant get this song out of my head ::sigh:: --
|
|
| loser |
[09 Feb 2004|12:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Beatles |
] |
it's offically monday. i'm not very happy on monday's. it's 3 minutes into the day, and i am already feeling melancholy. although my weekend was pretty gnarly, i am in this weird ass mood. so much complication... why? why are my moods nothing but ups and downs? i am beginning to think i am bi-polar. or is it that i am happy at certain times of the day... and at the end of the night, i am just lonely and vulnerable? another mind boggling thing to ponder on...
quickly moving along..
saturday was quite eventful. i went to the campus bookstore to buy the last of my textbooks. i fucking hate school. i really do. it's just a bunch of stress in my life. stress that could be easily avoided if i didn't have to go. BUT the reality is... i just have to do it. i'm obviously not getting any younger... and i have to grow the fuck up. maybe i should stop complaining?
i'm really irritable right now. but irritable at myself really. i get so angry with myself. but you know what.... that's fucking life. and my ass has to deal with it.
god i'm such a loser. now, i'm laughing at myself. jesus..
so back to saturday being eventful..... i went to best buy and (haha) there was this dude playing with the karioke machines.. and he turned up the microphone really loud so like the whole store could hear him. and he's saying shit like "i would like to thank my penis for always being there for me. thanks man... all those nights jacking off.. you really came through. and i would like to thank my balls for being so big. without you, i wouldn't know what to think of myself.." and i couldn't help but laugh hysterically at his immature ass. i dunno.. i'm easily amused, what can you say?
i met up with christian. we did some errands and went to kellenburg to see heather. being there just brought back memories of high school. well... the good ones. the days... when all i thought about was boys and alcohol. well... things didn't change THAT much.. but anyhoo... so it was heather's 18th bday.. HAPPY BDAY MY BRIGHT EYES CHICK <333. we went out to diner. and i must say, i stuffed myself silly. i thought my jeans were going to burst. but yet, i still ate cake? i'm a fat fat bastard. i need to be inrolled in fat camp. seriously.
christian slept over saturday night. but totally by accident. we're just dumb asses and fell asleep like 4 times. we woke each other up, but fell right back asleep. i woke up around 11. we sat around, watched some tv. we went to the diner and stuffed our faces again. you see about the fat camp thing? i really need to get lipo. that'll slove it.
we did some more errands and he went home. i had a great time with him. i honestly think that seeing each other only on weekends makes our relationship stronger. absence makes the heart grow fonder.
i watched the grammy's with annie. it sucked. besides the beatles tribute and evanescence winning.. it blowed. but i had a great time with annie. "jess, you're so fucking mean. but in a funny way."
i just got really tired. perhaps the reality of MONDAY kicked in again... wow, i wrote a long entry. whatever.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.
And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
|
|
| Friday |
[07 Feb 2004|12:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
somebody to love ::janis joplin |
] |
friday was way kewl. work was actually fun. my boss didn't come in so there was less tension there. i laughed the whole day. nothing but giggles came out of my department. it was great. good people. good conversations. good times :)
i came home and played my electric. i missed that sound. i went out with annie. we got some yummy coldstone. mmm... that place rawks. we picked up jeff and had a merry old time.
things have been okay. lonely.. confusing.. but somehow it all pieces itself together.
well i have massive errands to do today. so this is goodbye :P
|
|
| i'm super, thanks for asking! |
[05 Feb 2004|11:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pleased |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
your mom |
] |
i can play "call of the ktulu" by metallica. holy shit... i fucking own.
if you have never heard this song... fucking download that shit
right now! do it! and then realize... how fucking good i am.
\\this is the end//
|
|
|
[05 Feb 2004|12:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
center of the world ::bright eyes |
] |
you know you played good guitar when your fingers bleed.
i barely did any work today. i was so tired and out of it. i felt like a robot. i had my public speaking class. i missed the first class because i didn't feel like driving in the snow, but i have to write a speech about an object that represents me. so i am going to talk about my guitars. that made me happy just thinking about what i am going to say. the class isn't half bad. towards the end, i was starting to fall asleep. not because it was boring, but because it's 9 o'clock and i'm just exhausted.
i came home and relaxed. watched some newlyweds and carmen & dave. nothing like good old mtv. i decided that i was going to learn something new tonight. so i picked up my acoustic and taught myself the intro to "fade to black" by metallica. actually first i taught myself "call of the ktulu" but that was way to intricate for me, so i ended up with "fade to black" which is so gnarly. my fingers are in pain. but a good pain. i love playing. i swear, it's like my therapy. i sit with it for an hour and i'm cured. i just wish i was better at it.
so, i've been thinking a lot these past few days. and i've come to some realizations about myself. some are good, some not so good. i have thought about what i have to do to be happy. granted, i have a lot in my life to make me happy but most days, i don't feel it. and i realized that it's hard to be happy when there's one thing that always brings you down. so i've been thinking of ways to overcome this breach i my life. i haven't come up with anythihng yet, but i'm working on it.
and i know there will be days to come where i am miserable and vulnerable but, that's apart of life. you can't expericnce happiness until you felt pain first, otherwise.. how would you know what happiness is? indeed jess.
|
|
| bi-polar |
[03 Feb 2004|11:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
|
] |
Have you ever heard a song and suddenly your eyes are filled with tears? Not tears of happiness… but tears of pain? tears of regret? tears of loneliness?
And now you’re in a shitty mood. A depressed mental state that was caused by a measly little song. The ash tray is getting filled up and I don’t know when the tears will stop but I’ll tell you one thing, it hurts like a bitch. It hurts to be here. at home. When there’s so much silence and hate in the air. When you get treated like you’re the scum of the earth.
I’ve been trying to so hard not to reflect on what’s been going on with my mother. And as the days go by, a little piece of me disappears. My best friend’s mom went away for 3 weeks and she’s in tears, wishing she never left. And here I am, in tears, wishing my mom would say 3 words to me. wishing my mom would acknowledge me.
I must say, I’ve been really strong through out the years. As much as I have my moments of insanity, I haven’t completely lost it. I have built up many walls around me and just tried to deal with myself. And the longer this continues, I learn something new about myself. Which is good in spite of the situation… but the pain will always be there. Lingering around me. And even if things do get better, the pain will still remain. In the back of my head and in the back of my heart.
I hate when I get like this. Perhaps this is a reality check. But I think everyone is entitled to their feelings. Everyone is allowed to break down every once and while. And perhaps it’s my turn?
Well, I don’t have any answers. Because if I did, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
Moving on…
Work went by fast. School was hard. I am not really grasping my astronomy class. Christian took is last semester, so I’m going to ask him for help. Tomorrow I have my public speaking class. That should be fun. And hopefully tomorrow, my head won’t hurt as much.
If you made it this far, thanks…
the song of the hour...
Excess Baggage:
Well I know the words, but I can't really speak them
To you
And I hide all the pain that I've gained with my wisdom
From you
And I'm eaten alive by what I hold inside
All the things that I live with I can't easily hide
And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for
But you
It's not easy to hide
All this damage inside
I'll carry you with me
Until I'm not alive
When you look at my face, does it seem just as ugly?
To you?
I can't seem to erase all the scars I have lived with
From you
I'm so sick of this place
This taste in my mouth
Cause of you I can't figure what I'm all about
And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for
But you
It's not easy to hide
All this damage inside
I'll carry you with me
Til I'm not alive
|
|
| once i saw him on a beach of weathered sand |
[02 Feb 2004|11:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
yellow ledbetter ::Pearl Jam |
] |
hello monday.
work... eh. school... double eh. i had a red bull before class. it was delightful. and i managed to stay awake the whole 3 hours i was in class. thanks for those wings, red bull!!
i came home and started on some homework. i decided not to finish it tonight. too much statistics for one day. my brain is at capacity. no more..
i've been really irritable lately. things/people get me so tense. could it just be that they are unbearable? or is it my intolerance? perhaps a bit of both..
it's not even 12 and i'm completely exhausted. i am going to watch some more tv and then it's lights out for jessEka =P
Oh yeah can you see them?
Out on the porch
Ah, but they don't wave
I see them
Round the front way, yeah
And i know and i know
I don't wanna stay
make me cry
I see
I don't know there's something else
I wanna drum it all away
An i said
I said i i don't know where there's a box or the bag
[ XOXO ]
|
|
| Smiling from ear to ear.. |
[02 Feb 2004|01:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Feelin this ::BLiNK 182 |
] |
I woke up from a call from my boss. They’re having a huge company party in NJ Monday night. I am expected to be there, but I have class and I can’t really miss that. And Monday’s are filled with 3 hour statistics classes. Who wouldn’t want to miss out on that? Not I. :/
So I hung out with Drey. She’s the sunshine in my life. I love talking to her and laughing about how our lives are just pure complication. I love how we’re so fixated on becoming rockstars. it’s quite amusing. But who knows what the future has in store for us.
So… superbowl. We went to Lilly Flannigans. There was quite a few of us. I tried to watch the game but I only knew what was going on if there was a touch down. I didn’t really watch it. I conversated and drank my delightful killans. I love drinking. Especially with a group of people. Good ass times. Jen and Ed came… Jen got me a kick ass smores maker! I can’t wait to use it!! Annie and Billy came for a little bit. It was nice to see them. Natalie came. That was so awesome. I haven’t seen her since she threw her kegger on Halloween. She makes me laugh so hard.
After the bar, Me, Christian, George and Natalie went to the diner. We talked about big dogs and all the funny ass shit we used to do… and all the work we didn’t do. Aaah, the best job of my life. Now I work for Corporate America and deal with vindictive co-workers and money hungry clients. Booo…
Overall, I had a good weekend. I got a lot of things done. I spent time with Christian. And partied it up. Can’t get any better than that.
|
|
| I am myself, like you somehow |
[01 Feb 2004|02:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Release ::Pearl Jam |
] |
today was filled with errands. i woke up, got ready and did errands with christian. we got everything done, it was pretty crazy. i made christian bring me to guitar center... it had to be done. i played a 12 string and fell in love instantly. i've always wanted one... and one day... it shall be mine. just like in wayne's world when wayne goes to visit the guitar every week. that is i. i stayed away from the martin's because that would just hurt to much. i cannot afford a martin, therefore i shouldn't tease myself. i was in the acoustic room and heard some dude play "call of the ktutu" by metallica. omg, my heart dropped to the floor. it was stimulating. lol. i love hearing people play.. guy or girl. it's the most amazing experience one could have.
so i've been thinking about an old friend lately. about a year ago, i hooked her up with one of my friends and they both befriended me. they basically acted as if nobody existed but them. and granted, when you're in love, you are often blinded by your surroundings, but my theory is... you should never forget about your friends. and she forgot about me. and that hurt. and i swore to myself that i wouldn't call her. i did nothing wrong. so i waited for her apology. i waited for her call. only there wasn't one. and almost a year later, the reality of our friendship is kicking in. and i miss her. she used to make me laugh so hard. she used to comfort me when nobody else would. and i'm questioning if i should be the bigger person and just call her? but i was reminded by many friends that it's really fucked up that she hasn't realized that we're not friends. mind boggling...
i got the Mike V's Greatest Hits DVD. It's hysterical. Mike V's a nut. But i want him. lol. I was looking at zero boards today. christian asked me which one i wanted, and i said all of them! i got a zero sticker for my car. wooo, i'm special now.
superbowl sunday is here. i'm not really into football. i don't really understand it. and i've had dudes explain it to me every superbowl and i am still dumb founded by the whole thing. but the parites kick ass! i'm going to a bar. i invited my dad. he's so awesome to hang out with. especially at a bar. and when the boys are watching their precious little football game, i'll be getting drunk :) woo hoo for killians! i am going to try and sleep all i can tomorrow. sunday shall be my day of instensive rest. and i will need the rest for all the damn drinking that is in store for me. um...... lush? damn right!
i'm exhausted. busy day...
I'll ride the wave where it takes me
I'll hold the pain...Release me...
[ XOXO ]
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| you write such pretty words |
[30 Jan 2004|11:28pm] |
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amused |
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music |
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Lover I don't have to love ::bright eyes |
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i've been super busy. work and school have taken over my body. work has been crazy and stressful. school is just... school. you know the deal. i'm so happy the weekend is here. i picked up christian around 5, he had to come back to my office because i had to finish sending something out. we did some errands and went to fridays. i had some malibu baybreeze's and i must say, that hit the spot.
things are going okay. i can't really complain right now. who knows what tomorrow holds?
well i'm in an acoustic mood... so i must play. later..
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| but things can't be perfect... |
[29 Jan 2004|01:16am] |
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mood |
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gloomy |
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music |
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Kind of Perfect ::Armor for sleep |
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it's been a long boring day. i woke up a little after 8 and immediately called my job to see if we were still open. and sure enough, we were. i had to be there by 10:30 but i chose not to go in until 12. i was one of the four people who showed up. it was horrific. it's really hard multi-tasking when you really should be doing just one thing. but, i guess that's life. and my life is nothing but complication.
i got out around 4. i felt so uncomfortable going home. because i hate home. i was in my melancholy mood and i just wanted nothing but peace and relaxation. so, i decided not to go to class. first of all.. how the fuck are they going to cancel day classes but keep evening classes on? dumb fockers. i met up with christian at target. i only saw him for about 30 minutes. but that's okay.. 30 minutes is better than no minutes.
i came home and was melancholy again. i saw my mom but i acted as if she wasn't in my presence. because she does exactly that to me almost everyday. my dad gave me money because i'm a broke bitch and i got some food. i watched hours of tv and it felt good. i decided to clean my room around midnight. and i must say, it looks pretty spiffy. well, not fantastic or anything, but a vast improvement.
tomorrow at work, i am preparing for a visit from our corporate office. they're going to be sitting down with each and every one of us, one on one, to talk about what we do all day. so basically, i can't sound like a moron. i really want to tell them to fuck off because i always get stuck doing 202384 things. i have accomplished a lot since i first started working there and i better get some fucking recognition. perhaps a raise? haha.. riiight.
ciggarette then bed. NiTE..
sometimes you just have to let some things go...
[ XOXO ]
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[27 Jan 2004|11:26pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
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music |
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Death of a season :: afi |
] |
And there was never any place for
someone like me to be totally happy.
i'm running out of clock and that ain't
a shock. some things never do change
never do change.. [ soco ]
i am in pain. the kind of pain for which there is no cure. i never knew the feeling of complete happiness. i will always remain empty. empty to the point where there is nothing left for me to do... but wait. but will i wait? i don't know. my life is a puzzle with lost pieces and broken parts. and i am so confused as to how i am supposed to live my life. things never make sense to me. my vision is blurry from all the crying i've done today. is this the way my life is going to be for the rest of my life? i have a little heart with a lot of love to give. and the one person i want to give it to, stomps on it and throws it in the gargabe.
there's snow on the ground. and i'm wishing for no work tomorrow. but things never go my way. i am ending this with a quote from a dear friend.. "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.." thanx annie, i only hope it does make me stronger because i feel like i am getting weaker by the hour. i love you.
all of you.
[ xoxo ]
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| Screaming disbelief with no faith in site |
[26 Jan 2004|11:29pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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music |
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take her to the music store ::fata |
] |
greetings.
work has tedious. there's a whole lot of drama slowly unfolding... and all i can do is sit back and watch the distruction of our precious company. after work, i had my frist day of class. 3 hours of statistics. shoot me please. it was exhausting. i don't know how i survived those 3 hours of torture.
we're supossed to get this huge snow storm. uck. enough said..
i am way to drained to update. perhaps tomorrow.
you break my heart into a thousand pieces and you say it's because i deserve better?
[ xoxo ]
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| While I waited I was wasting away |
[26 Jan 2004|12:32am] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
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music |
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the great disappointment ::afi |
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i am sad. i start class tomorrow. my days will consist of 9-5 work. 5-9 school. and somehow fit the gym into my daily schedule. this semester is going to be busy. hard. and very lonely. i am in one of those depressed states. i just want to jump off a bridge.
today i did some more errands with christian. i hated it when he had to leave my house tonight. it was almost heartbreaking. i guess i'll live. but it just sucks. life itself sucks. this empty house sucks. silence sucks. lonliness sucks. i suck.
anyhoo, moving on.
i lit candles in my room and shut off the lights. my room doesn't look half as messy. niice.
i took some random pictures today. there's quite a few so please let them load. some are in black and white and sepia.
( LOOK AT ME )
Oh, how I smiled then, waiting so patiently
I'd make a wish... and bleed
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[25 Jan 2004|01:29pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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music |
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i miss you ::blink 182 |
] |
hello sunday.
i am a bit annoyed. people just bother me. my friends bother me. i am a bitter old lady. i hate when people copy me. is it so hard to find your own shit? be unique. be your own person. don't be jessica. ugh.
moving on.
so this weekend has been pretty good, despite my cranky moods. yesterday i spent the day with christian, doing errands. we went to heather's basketball game. did some more errands. we watched american psycho. what a weird movie. it was nice spending time with him. i am trying to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming semester. it's going to be a busy one. a hard one. a lonely one. but this is where my motivation comes in to play. i have to stop being lazy. bad jess. bad.
well, christian is on his way here.. YAY! gotta get ready.
farewell.
[ XOXO ]
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| said something, but i've said it enough |
[25 Jan 2004|12:23am] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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Blue and Yellow ::the used |
] |
Asked by:  jackass_mc
1.What has been your life-long dream?why? to be in the music business.. because i love music with every ounce
of my body and being surrounded by music would just be priceless..
2.Do you believe in reincarnation? no. i believe that we die. end of story.
3.If you could switch lives with one person for a week(famous or not)who would it be and why?(This one goes to everyone).
i would switch lives with my mom. because i want her to feel what pain is.
4.Do you have an idol?If so who? my idol is aaron lewis. he's the reason why i have a guitar in my hand.
5.If you had to live off or one food for the rest of your life what would it be? ziti pizza :)
The Rules
1 - Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2 - I will respond with five questions.
3 - You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4 - You'll include this explanation.
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| will you believe in me tonight? |
[24 Jan 2004|02:36am] |
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mood |
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mellow |
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music |
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Morning Star ::a f i |
] |
another long work day. i got out 1/2 an hour earlier..
which was relieving. i picked up christian at the train station.
we ate and watched 2 hours of oz. that show rocks. almost as
good as sopranos... *almost. watched the ending of teen wolf.
called it a night. and that was basically my day in a nutshell.
i was just happy to spend some quality time with christian.
i miss that. i miss a lot of things in my life but i shall not complain.
i feel like watching a movie. high fedelity perhaps? cusack rocks.
done deal.
[ XOXO ]
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