Ashley's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2004-05-29 13:37
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: chipper

Well things with chris have been great. I'm so happy that we fixed things and have gotten back together. I love him. 0= ) Other than that, everything else has been good too. Work sucks, but thats normal. I can't wait till we go to florida. That's gonna be great!

last nite he had a show, but Jay quit like a dick, and so only him and matt played an accoustic set. they sounded awsome tho. www.ahorrorstory.com <-- that's their website 0= ) hehe (just a little plug for them) well i've gotta go to work soon 0=*(

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Date:2004-04-11 01:13
Subject:whoa
Security:Public
Mood: optimistic

okay, well.. umm.. yeah hahaha. What to say? Well everything is starting to feel oddly familure. Comforting, strange, alittle akward, but still familure. You know what i mean?

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Date:2004-04-09 11:38
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: nostalgic
Music:norah jones- lonestar

I feel sick to my stomach with nerves. I've had this feeling for about 2 or 3 weeks now. It just won't fuckin go away. I guess it won't for a while. I know what it is, I know what it has to do with, but i still don't want to accept it. It's my own fault. I wish i wasn't so stupid sometimes, but i guess that's what being 16 gets you. My birthday is in 17 days, I'll be 17. Last year was a lot better.. i know that much. Alot has changed in the past year, some for the good, but a lot more for the bad.

My dad's cancer is back. The chromosome that causes his type of leukimia has been found in his bloodstream again. He was in re-mission because of a drug that he was taking, and he's the only one on that drug that's had the cancer come back. THE ONLY ONE! like, why the fuck is it my dad? It's just fucking ridiculous.

Then the whole thing on why i've got those nerves and shit. I guess I'll have to wait for a respondse back before i can talk about that, because i don't even kno whats going on. I just hope he doesn't spit it back in my face. He has no idea what it took for me to actually send him that letter. All those emotions were dug up. Shame, guilt, anger, happyness, love, loss. All at once. But i guess we'll see if it was worthless or not. we had a connection, he can't deny that, we had something most people never find, and it wasn't just love or shit.. it was like we understood each other. And i don't really think that can be lost, not even by time. I wasn't going to send him the letter, but i had advice from some good people that told me " you can either send it, and find out what he thinks and move on from this place ur in, or not send it, and spend the rest of ur life wondering what could have been. If you just give it to him, he can rip it up or read it, who cares, but that's he decision, you'd have done ur part."

And now my part is done.. he just has to read it and write back i guess. And if he doesn't, then it's over. I guess the connection was only felt by me then, all in my head. I just couldn't sit here and do nothing, he was my best friend, my sole companion. so, that's that.

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Date:2004-03-09 18:53
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: peaceful
Music:fiona apple

another great day at school.. having to deal with the same simple minded, immature people day after day. It gets to a person after a while.

Recently i've been making some new friends, yes, friends. Well, there's jess.. who of course i've known for a while.. she's, well let's just say the memory of her is beaten into my head with a field hockey stick. then there's brett.. of course.. jess' boy-toy, and then brett's roommate tom. I've gotten to kno Tom and Brett pretty well, since this last weekend i spent all my time at their apartment, while jess was in virginia, doin her field hockey thing. They all make me laugh.. a lot. Whether they mean to or not, they're hilarrious.

Then last nite, i spoke to someone i haven't really had any contact with in about over a year. It was nice, really nice actually. We got to catch up on each other's lives, re-live some really funny memories. And i got to apologize, for some shit i shouldn't have done.

Now in my life, i genuinely feel good about myself. I don't really have any worries, no dilemas, no guys to make me feel bad about myself. of course i still have school and everything, but, i'm doing pretty well.. the only thing i have to worrie about is gettin my portfolio together.. but that's not really a worrie because i enjoy my art. it's a stress reliever.

the only thing i'm slightly worried about is my friends.. all of them seem to be in one mishap or another. But i have faith in all of them.. and i love them all! YOU GUYS ARE MY LIFE!!! 0= )

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Date:2004-01-29 20:17
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: horny
Music:Hendrix- American Woman

god, my life couldn't get any more meaningless. Boring shit all the time.. well actually no.. that's a lie. I've been hangin out with old friends a lot lately. Been spending much time with my best friend Kaleigh, who has also recently departed from her boyfriend, so we are too young, horning girls on the prowl!!! YEAH!!! hahaha.... then we've been hanging out with jess as well, who is also one of us single girls. it's great!

I've also recently spent time with an old friend who i haven't seen in about 3 years.. I love you Mike! 0= ) We used to be really close, practically new everything about each other.. then lost touch... and now it's great to have him back in my life.

A few of my other friends have left for college and will be missed... especially Andrew... who i think is mad at me at the moment. 0=*(

In other news... i started mid-terms today.. which royally suck balls.. but whatever.. it's a half day.. so i can't complain. and tomorrow nite me and kaleigh are going out and having some FUNNNNNNN!!!!! hahahaha yeah applebottom!!!!

But for now i can dream about my lover boy TG!!!!! 0= )

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Date:2003-12-03 19:53
Subject:Been a While
Security:Public

So it's been a long time since i've written anything.. and there are many reasons for that..

the main one being that i was scared to write down wut's really been on my mind afraid that who ever may have read it will become extremely upset with me.. Because the truth is that i fell out of love with my boyfriend, and last nite i broke current ties with him ((temporarily)) because i didn't think it was fair for him to be in love with someone, when he doesn't get the same feelings back. And knew i was hurting him more by staying with him, and pretending that things were fine when they really weren't... at all.

I mean last friday we had our first real right, when we've been together for 8 months, and he basically told me (( for about two hours straight)) how badly i've treated him, how i've changed since we've been together, and wut a bitch i've been recently. (( I said about two words in that conversation... "HI" and "BYE")) Since that conversation i've been thinking about what i've really been doing, and this break thing is the best that i could come up with, "Honestly is the key" according to someone i took a lot of advice from, Andrew.

Now Andrew is, well, i would consider him one of my closest friends, considering i can tell him anything, and i would pretty much trust him with my life. I met him through Mikey P. who was Victoria's ex. and me and mikey kept in contact after him and victoria spilt up. Mikey is also a close friend, but i haven't seen him or andrew in a very long time ((andrew longer than mikey)) I see mike every few months, he stops by to play pool, but andrew has been away at college so i haven't seen him in a very very long time... Up until last saturday night. Origianlly i was supposed to go to a concert with andrew because he has an extra ticket, but when that flopped we ended up hangin out with mikey and his g/f maria. So catching up with them was like the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.. i realized how much i missed them and how great they both are.

So after me and Chris talked about the break last nite, Andrew was the first person i called. 0= ) And he probably was annoyed with me because i kept bothering him with my emotional crap, but he was there for me even so.

Now my focuses are on what to get everyone for christmas!! eh! I hate shopping 0=*)

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Date:2003-09-23 14:55
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: cranky

The whole problem can be stated quite simply by asking,'Is there a meaning to music?' My answer would be, 'Yes.' And 'Can you state in so many words what the meaning is?' My answer to that would be, 'No.-Aaron Copland (1900 - 1990

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Date:2003-09-22 09:30
Subject:sorrow
Security:Public
Mood: guilty

Lately, i'm not sure why.. but i've been really bitchy.. I kno I have. But the thing is i've been horrible to my boyfriend. And he's done absolutely nothing wrong. It's accually the opposite.. he's been great about it ((so far)) I haven't been all lovely like i usually am, and i think i gave him a black eye. I hate myself for it. But somethign must be wrong with me because i don't want to do all this shit, but i can't help it. I love him. And i don't want to do anythign to hurt him, but it seems that, that's all i've been doing lately

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Date:2003-09-19 10:37
Subject:In School
Security:Public
Mood: hungry
Music:the rap someone is playing in class

I'm having the biggest craving for chocolate. The chocolate Chris brought me on Wed. from Godiva.. o0o it's so good hahaha.. I miss him.. we don't get to see each other much since i started going back to school. It's not fair. I hate this..

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Date:2003-09-09 19:55
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: pessimistic
Music:Coldplay

School started last week, what a joy as always ((i'm being so sarcastic)) My teachers all seem aight so far, no complaints as of yet. My Dad is in China again. Nina is back home. I'm gettin another tattoo tomorrow because i just annoyed my mom so much that she just gave in to shut me up.

Me and chris are fine as usual. The only thing i can complain about is solely on my part. Solely on me being a jealous teenaged girl. His bestfriend, Michelle, is a sweet girl. I've hung out with her a few times, we've even gone to her new appartment to help paint it and everything. I have no problem with her personally at all. But have you ever had a deam that felt so real, that when you woke up you just had a feeling that it'll come true? Well.. because of that fucking dream, i just know ((because he does mean so much to me)) that one day Chris will wake up on day and not want to be with me anymore.

I hate that feeling.

And i kno Chris, you're gonna read this and end up calling me and reassure me and everything, but the thought will still be in the back of my mind, haunting me. It's inevitable, you're too good for me, hence, you won't stay mine.

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Date:2003-08-08 07:40
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: distressed

well the past few days at home have been interesting. Being that my sister has moved back... she always around. She's 21, yet she has the personality of a 4 year-old. I can't stand her sometimes. Like last nite, i was on the computer listening to music, so she comes in the room screeching. When i asked her to be quiet nicely, she does nothing, so i yell at her to shut up , and she yells back, "why do you have to be so mean?"... WELL if you weren't so fucking immature, and acted your own age, maybe i could tolerate you being in the same room! But all she did was turn on the TV... which then echos thru the room, and i can't hear my music.. so once again we're yelling at each other that i was there first and she can turn it off or get out... but i finally agreed to her turning it down. But I don't understand how she doesn't understand that what she does is annoying.. like poking me, or constantly tapping on something, or just rabbling on about the stupidist shit that no one wants to hear! And why does she think she can keep doing these things after someone has asked to to stop (nicely).. then it comes to yelling, and she then wonders "why does everyone hate me?!" NO ONE FUCKING HATES YOU, WE JUST CAN'T STAND YOU! there's a difference.

Isn't the older sister supposed to be the roll modle?

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Date:2003-08-04 02:34
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: drained

I leave for Florida in 10 days. Not too happie about that considering that i'm going alone with my parents.. woo hoo.. fun... ((so sarcastic, i kno)) I'm gonna miss chris alot when i go.. but there's really nothing i can do about that. Last nite we went to starbucks with johnathon, he's a cool kid haha.. Other then that i've just been at work.. where i am now.. doing this instead of what i'm supposed to be doing. )

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Date:2003-07-17 04:17
Subject:At Work
Security:Public
Mood: tired

It's towards the end of my work day, thank god! Tomorrow everyone in my department will be gone, so i'll be having fun sitting here on my own, NOT! But tonite sux because i can't see Chris. But tomorrow is good because Frank is still going to be down the shore, and i get to spend the whole night with Chris, and that is a very good thing!! Everything else in my life is going pretty well. Nina was home yesterday and the day before, but she left last nite to go to Vancover ((god knows why)) My cousin is still around. He's been here for 2 weeks so far because he's trying to clean up his life, and not be exposed to temptation. So he called my mom and she picked him up,, and he's been helping around the house, and stuff ever since. No complaints about that.. he's a good guy.

I leave for Florida in a month, for ten days. And when we get back, my dad wants to go looking for another dog, while my mom is totally against it. She says it's not fair to Peppermint b/c he's so old. But I want my dog back, peppermint doens't play or anything.. he's just annoying as hell.. Coconut ran around, barked, played, and now he's gone, me and my dad want that back. TWO AGAINST ONE MOM!!!

Yesterday I went to the MET with Chris, Kelly, their mom and Val. We were supposed to go to the zoo, but it rained, but as soon as we arrived at the museaum the sun came out. I went to the Impressionist Gallery ((of course)) Sp next week we'll prolly go to the zoo, or Chris said he wanted to see a matenee show. We'll see what happenss

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Date:2003-07-01 20:49
Subject:at work
Security:Public
Mood: cranky
Music:Paris ((Aka: District Six))

it's early, i'm tierd... My dog died last friday ((very unexpectedly)) Chris got a new dog. My cousin has been staying at my house ((dunno why)) and i have no clue about what's really going on anymore.. things are weird.. all i kno is that my boyfriend's band District Six didn't sign with the lable and are changing their name to Paris.. funfunr

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Date:2003-06-13 09:29
Subject:yesterday
Security:Public
Mood: thirsty

Yesterday was Chris' birthday. He came to my house after school, and i gave him my gift.. it was an elvish love ring, it kinda looks like the ring from LOTR, but it says something different. He says he loved it.. I hope he does, i was so worried that it wouldn't fit, but now i'm like, Maybe he doesn't wanna wear, or something (( i kno you're gonna read this chris, but i'm still paranoid)) Then we went back to his house and his parents and sister gave him their gifts.. and at like 4:00 we went to eat at Jose Tejas.. the best mexican food ever. After completely stuffing ourselves, we went to the mall, to exchange the watch his parents gave him, and i visited Ant and Howie at work. When we went back to his house, Michelle and Johnathan's family came over and we had cake. Frosting is good, especially when i smear it on Chris' face. 0= ) Most of the nite we just sat around the table and talked, but it was funny as hell. At 10 i had to go home because i had school the next day. I asked him if he had a good birthday, he said he did, and i really truely hope that all his wished come true. I love you baby 0= )

My permit was delivered yesterday too hehehehe

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Date:2003-06-13 09:21
Subject:yesterday
Security:Public
Mood: surprised

Yesterday was Chris' birthday. He came to my house after school, and i gave him my gift.. it was an elvish love ring, it kinda looks like the ring from LOTR, but it says something different. He says he loved it.. I hope he does, i was so worried that it wouldn't fit, but now i'm like, Maybe he doesn't wanna wear, or something (( i kno you're gonna read this chris, but i'm still paranoid)) Then we went back to his house and his parents and sister gave him their gifts.. and at like 4:00 we went to eat at Jose Tejas.. the best mexican food ever. After completely stuffing ourselves, we went to the mall, to exchange the watch his parents gave him, and i visited Ant and Howie at work. When we went back to his house, Michelle and Johnathan's family came over and we had cake. Frosting is good, especially when i smear it on Chris' face. 0= ) Most of the nite we just sat around the table and talked, but it was funny as hell. At 10 i had to go home because i had school the next day. I asked him if he had a good birthday, he said he did, and i really truely hope that all his wished come true. I love you baby 0= )

My permit was delivered yesterday too hehehehe

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Date:2003-06-11 09:52
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: loved

Tomorrow is Chris' birthday. He'll be 19, and I would talk about what i got him, but knowing him, He'll read this, and the surprize will be ruined, so i'll talk about it in a few days. But otherwise, Everything is going well, my sis should be coming home today, i also have my 2nd driving lesson today. My and Chris are better then ever, and so is the band. They need to decide on a new name though, otherwise they would've signed the contract already. Other then that, not much to talk about.. nothing exciting ever happen to me LoL

School is almost over!!!!

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Date:2003-05-21 22:05
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: lonely
Music:sara mclachlan

Haven't seen Chris since monday, this is very sad, i miss him so much. 0=*( and i prolly won't see him until friday nite. I think this is the longest we've ever gone with out seeing each other. And i don't like it! hehe I just love him so much, i don't kno wut to do with myself sometimes.

I talked to Victoria today, for the first time in a few months. This is a good thing, we got to catch up on each other's news. Other then that, not too much is going on. Just good stuff. Nina should be comin home sometime next week, and since she doesn't want to go to florida in august, Chris will probably come, which is very exciting!!! YAY! 0= )

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Date:2003-05-09 09:22
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: sleepy
Music:None b/c school fuckin blocked all the music sites!!!

Not too much going on. The boys are still recording, not tonite tho, so i get to spend time with chris, which is always good... and a lot of time tonite too!! i'm excited. Gotta get mother's day cards tho.. so to the mall we go! blah.. other then that, everything is pretty normal.

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Date:2003-05-04 11:32
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: loved

I don't think i've ever been so happie in my life. But now that i have someone that cares about me, i'm so afraid that he's going to be torn away from me. His band is getting free recording time from Colombia Records, which mean that if that goes well, and the EP comes out good, then they'll probably go on tour.

Now this is all VERY VERY good!! And they say i'd go with them b/c i'm the "merch girl" but i recently had a dream that all this happened, and i went to call Frank, and his answering machine said he was gone on tour; they had left with out me, and forgotten me completely.

Not only would i be out a few friends, but the guy i'm so in love with would be gone as well.

I don't kno if i should just be happy for them ((it is a chance of a lifetime)) or be completely scared...

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