Tara's Journal
19 most recent posts

Date:2004-09-16 10:32
Mood: melancholy
Music:Candle In The Wind - Elton John ;)

so i say goodbye
to memories
of people
of best friends
(nice asses)
great teachers

goodbye to carter
goodbye to rachel
goodbye to him

i leave them all in this building.
and i may have hated it.
but i leave a lil me here, too.

karen and i are gonna walk the halls one last time...and then meet greg at "college"
say a big goodbye to carter

i got new things going

thanks for the parties rachel, the late nights and being the "rock," sorry that it all changed, but we are who we are

tony davis, i have loved you since...well, i remember the day
i have loved you since i realized all the little things about you made me happier than anything in the world


onto better things


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Date:2004-04-07 16:40
Subject:Huck Finn and Jim...hehehe
Mood: happy
Music:Don't Worry Baby - The Beach Boys

i want to go fishing because it is so beautiful out and because fishing is fun!
i have been so good for so long, like, i've been well, like it's all getting back to good, like the song and i'm getting better, and hope IS ALIVE like a southern baptist preacher
i have so much "greenery" and so does R, but not using it till friday, till we have a bar-b-que with our new friends ryan and elyse...

i want to plant a real garden tho, and call it "tara's oasis" with a little sign and all 'cuz i saw it on like a lowe's commercial and i was like, "stealing that idea."

oh god before i forget - baseball season has begun! rachel and i went to the first red sox game of the year (thank god it was in our area.) we "lost." but we were SO CLOSE to johnny damon! and MANNY! ahhh! i could have jumped on the field and within a minute been hugging MANNY RAMIREZ. so damn sexy. anyway, we won yesterday, so it's red sox - 1, orioles - 1. and we can just win the next 2 games. i know we will.

i gotta phone call, so im out

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Date:2004-04-02 00:19
Subject:hardcore friendsss
Mood: accomplished
Music:All I Have - J Lo ft. L L Cool J

the title is some pop-up i just got

in response to karen and anyone else
there is no reason for sadness...like it can go away...you just can't let things slip, you know
it's like cavities
or something (ill elaborate later)
i love my friends
and life is worth it
shit gets better
go for people who make you smile
that's what's good

and kare bear - sometimes just thinking about faces u make makes me smile, girlie

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Date:2004-03-25 13:45

i just lost the entry i was writing
i wrote a lot
about why it shouldn't be bad
about my fun weekend
about the hookah bar with the ladies on friday and the interesting guys who wanted to take us to DC
about how i got my hair done before i went out on saturday and how zed is so damn hot and he makes me feel a million times hotter.
and the "persian party" on saturday when i got to see my cousins parisa and ashkan and their friend na-na who is 6'7'' and pretty damn cute. and they all know jamaal. so we laughed because he is parisa's ex.
and then how i left the party to go to rachel's and brian was there and richard and karen, too. and we rolled. and it didn't work until we broke out the liquor. and then rachel and i started taking off clothes. haha. and brian started macking on karen.
and then sunday i went home and my 14 year-old brother came home in a cop car. and it was really funny more than anything else.
and my weekend was so fun and so...good. it was with people i like and i care about and i enjoy. and i wasn't sad.

but now here i am.
i think i should go back to the hospital. wow. do i really?

who am i kidding? the weekend was a diversion. if i have enough energy, i create diversions. i try. i avoid. i'm good.

i will divert my attention from this one i love. i love him. he is going away to college in the fall.
i'm not.
it is pathetic that instead of trying to develop a friendship or a semblance of a relationship with this boy, i have given up. i have begun to miss him, when i see him everyday. i have never even told him how i feel. but i guess that's because part of me knows i don't have to.

i love my friends. i was thinking today that it's important to have good friends while you're alive so people will remember you when you die. or at least care when they find out.

what a morbid bitch i am.

i guess

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Date:2004-03-17 18:56
Subject:guinness...or harp?
Music:Irish Drinking Song - Dropkick Murphys

just a quick happy st. patrick's.
i'm soooo burnt. like crashing down. carter knew i was like, smacked today and i'm like, naw dude, i'm tired.
bad news. ugh.
karen and rachel and i chilled, but i thought i had an appt. so i couldn't go out with anyone tonite and party. so now my appt.s cancelled and im at home! and im burnt and pissed as shit. so ill celebrate this weekend. but this is my day, man. what a waste. no partying on st. patricks? what's all that about? damn. anyway, it was an ok day, though. it's cold as all hell. i'm tired.
well, like i said, this would be a short one.

and by the way, if you didn't wear green today, that's f/ucked up. f/ucker.


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Date:2004-03-15 20:31
Subject:green beer and goldfish
Mood: exhausted

st. patrick's day will soon be upon us! and then the persian new year. what a wild week, kids. drinks and money for this girl.
rachel and i are good. yes. good.
that deserved caps. im gonna ask her to go thrift store shopping. how about that? i need some green clothes.
what i really need is sleep. sleeeeeep. my psych. teacher says not to nap. and i'm like christ it ain't easy. cuz i depend on naps. i wake up so damn early.

anyway. "he" (no name dude,) what an ass! completely. he is capable - so f/ucking capable- of being a awesome person, and he's DAMN FINE. like so gorgeous. but he's a dick. for stupid, insecure teenage guy reasons that are so transparent. and it's so dumb. and then i try to make him leave my mind. because, like i said, i made up some stupid emotions. my mind screwed me over and got me in too deep with things that weren't there, and then, he just won't go away. it's like he's psychic. or maybe i'm psycho.
i am psycho!


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Date:2004-03-14 14:05
Mood: aggravated
Music:Kick Me When I'm High - SR71

i wanna go to boston
i felt like being somewhere else today. i feel like having a cigarette.
it's once again sunday.
my least favorite day. i can't, like, hide from things on sundays. i mean, myself. my thoughts. you know...
i am all alone in my head. i'll never be truly alone. there are people in my life who really won't allow it. but i will feel it, you know. especially on sundays. well, maybe i will be. because, it's in my head. my alone-ness. or whatever it is. a lot of people are good to me. and i guess, we all meet those who aren't. just aren't.

i took his name out of all my entries. haha. it was a lie. it was made up. how could i possibly love him? it's an obsession! christ. what kind of...i don't even know. that's just not attractive. it's not kool. who wants all that? i'm such a girl, though. i just take it too far. i'm not saying it's over. i'm just saying no more of this obsession bullshit. let's start slow: i really wanna hit that.

rachel really doesn't like me. haha. she'd get so pissed if she read that. i'm sorry. that's the only conclusion i can come to, tho. she say's "we just both treat each other like crap." f/uck that! i've put rachel before everyone, even me sometimes. she refuses to see that, tho. and that's jacked up. i mean, and i just realized this, she's given me 2 or 3 examples of how i hurt her, and they were completely unintentional.
completely. whereas, she fully means it when she hurts me, and admits that! so i mean, i really find it hard to believe that she'll be dandy without me. i know i'll have a lot of shit to go through if we stop being friends. she says she needs "attention." what, like a fan club? 'cuz fans aren't exactly friends. and that's pretty egotistical. but she never said she needed a fan club, i'm just asking. see, i care so much for rachel. u know? like don't f/uck with my best friend, esse. she really, really doesn't believe that. and im a "fan" in some sense of the word, i guess; i think she's super-kool and lot of other positive adjectives as well, but i mean, she's really f/ucking mean to me these days, and i'm kinda like, what the hell am i doing? i could have just really made a mistake. that's what it could have been. i could have read her all wrong. but i told her this one nite, i know she is inherently a good person, so why does she have to stray away from it and hurt people? and get herself hurt? WHY? it's ok if she just doesn't like me. but the rest isn't ok. that's all.

ugh. when's spring break? i want an alcoholic beverage, dammit.


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Date:2004-03-10 21:04
Subject:nice nice nice
Mood: tired
Music:Trouble - Coldplay

great day :)
diana and karen and i had adventures and it was just an amazing day overall.
we went to on the public transportation ... we were scared off by crazy-eyed sally who turned to me and said, out of nowhere, "don't f/uck with me; im dangerous." it was f/ucking hilarious. and ... slightly alarming.

then we went to ihop, and of course f/ucking he just had to be there. but also a lotta kool people were there, and some other sexy ass people whom i wouldn't mind tapping (mmm-kay...) wait wait wait - no, it's only him. but nah, i'm hoping to just move on from all that bullshit. i suspect he's really mean about me. (maybe im paranoid, but in the class we have together, im pretty sure he talks shit.) and when im not in the room, im certain ive never even crossed his mind. and that's so incredibly sad. i think, if i could wish something, i would wish that he would know and care that i think about him so often.

this has to stop dictating my life. you know? like, it has to be like before. if it was like before, seeing him out somewhere would have been terrific. i see him all the time. all the time. and im being so goddamn negative about it.

school was nice. had some good laughs with some good people. colin is back! my sweet colin. *sigh* jose was upset. we prayed for him. thats my boy, tho.
anyway, after la escuela was nice. there was highness and greg! and chainsmoking and just terrific conversation between the people. we went to bed, bath and beyond and sat in what we deemed, the "orgasm chair." so yeah...uhhh fun stuff.

nick marrone. haha. i wrote about him in an online journal i used to have. i had it so damn bad for that boy. it was like a "celebrity crush." but i talked to him. and he talked to me...we talked to each other. and he noticed me when i wasn't around. and he was fiiiiiinnnnnneeee. and smart. and funny. and popular. and in a f/ucking emo-punk band. oh god. he was gorgeous tho. and he talked to ME! and his friends talked to me! christ, that's not something to be forgotten easily. a self-esteem boost, u know. but then i left his high school to go to another, and he graduated the next year. who knows where he is. i could find him, if i really wanted. i don't. haha i know his screen name.

haha nick marrone. the past is nice. yay.

diana. i feel so tight with her. she and i are like connecting in such a way that is really f/ucking ... nice. she was always so damn kool, and i really need a friend like her. im saying, like if rachel and i ... i dunno. we're so damn different. maybe not. im not sure. i just question things with her. and i do often doubt whether or not she cares. i have a tendency to force shit that just isn't there. i need friends who know about the "connection" thing. diana knows all about that. kelley and i have touched on it a few times, but have yet to really spend the time, but we will, im sure, just cuz she's so f/ucking kool. man, i need my ladies so much. and i do need rachel, so incredibly much, but if this is headed somewhere that i didn't want/plan ... it's gonna be so damn hard. i totally love her, tho. best friends are supposed to be forever. and i love d and karen and kellster. my homegirls. u know. ;)

i love all of you. seriously... and him. i love you. ur hot. and ... yeah, just everyone. i mean u know if you're included.


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Date:2004-03-06 17:16
Mood: lonely
Music:Without You - Dixie Chicks

this is the summer that'll never come/
it's like someone's holding on to the tail of the sun/
i wanna waste time and walk the line/
from my big routine to where im feeling alright/
i can't hold out, i don't care about offending/
the world's descending

i know it's way too short/
it rarely lasts too long/
i'm just finding the floor/
but when i look down it's gone

this is the way it should always be/
i've never had the propensity/
to work, breed and die/
well i prefer to spend mine on the fly/
the be-ers got to be/
and the flee-ers got to flee/
but as for me, well/
don't worry about me

that song is stroke 9's "tail of the sun"
it's terrific, melancholy...it's good for like, days with breezes
i have no one today
no one has called, i have called no one, this song is like my ... "alone song," and i guess life is like, being alone is important, things that are hard for you are important, and being alone - i can't figure it out, i can't do it, so, i have to do it

i had a dream last nite
about this guy
ha - if rachel or karen knew this they would hit me
anyway, i have this really weird attraction to him, because it stems from extreme dislike. everyone knows that i can't really stand him. but the dream was really beautiful, because we went for a walk and it was a gorgeous day. and we were like, the way we usually are, but kinder. because he is so so mean, in real life, but we were sweeter to each other. it was really pretty. i am so amused and like, appreciative of my attraction to him. it's so like, unexpected. i love things that are unexpected. you know, as long as they aren't bad. just, not what anyone could have imagined.

the sky is mauve now. kyle is afraid it is going to rain in maryland, where he is. i wouldn't mind rain. i miss him desperately. the only one who knew me. who cared to know. i guess, although meghan pined for the position, although i wanted rachel to be the one, although it seemed others had it for a while, although i moved, although we lost sight of what we needed and who we were and what was important, he is my best friend.

i love "him." i can't wait till he graduates. i can't wait till i graduate. this isn't really something im sure i have the energy for. especially without rachel. is that weird? i needed her guidance, you know? support. i don't have it anymore. i can't have it anymore. it's just not the same. we've done all this hurt to one another. my thing is, she's hurt me, so obviously i care. but i think she's indifferent to me. she just wants me out.

as far as him: i can't wait to not have to scan the hallways for him. i can't wait to not have to dread the thought of him ignoring me, or worse yet, acknowledging me. i just want to stop analyzing what he does and says, because the fact is, he's 17. he's only 17. and it's me. and he most likely doesn't want ME. me and my damn emotions. shoot. not that he wouldn't get a lotta sex, as well, but that's another story...damn i really do wanna have sex with him, tho. he is sooooo incredibly f/ucking fine. ok sorry, tangent.
yeah. i just want to ease my way out of this, the way i "eased" my way in. haha. i don't want to hurt. the reason that made him awesome, that made liking him awesome, was that it was so different. i could laugh with him and talk to him. i was "with" jay or in love with jay (on and off) and i couldn't talk to him. like. i would f/ucking clam up. anyway. it was BAD. he was GOOD. i want to keep it good.

there' s so much f/ucking pain in the world.
it's making me physically ill. i hate it.



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Date:2004-03-05 18:21
Subject:revelations from the holy spirit ... wtf?
Mood: crushed
Music:Tail Of The Sun - Stroke 9

karen f/ucking rules
haha she tells me that she knew i liked this dude, and she pinpointed the exact moment - like when it all was going down...it's crazy! argh, and plus she is cheering me up and telling me i am not a horrible friend, even tho i think often i am not...i mean, like, i think im a good friend, usually, but sometimes im convinced i just suck, and she's just like, "no."

so she kicks ass. so maybe we'll get plastered tomorrow night! score!

but tonite it's just talking. and like, more talking. and karen is maybe clairvoyant (sp?.) i think so! and she f/ucking cares about me. and it rocks. cuz im lonely tonite.

i was thinking about "him," you know, there was a nice breeze, and there was just like a gorgeous sky, and i was like..."damn, he's fine."
and he is.
no, haha, i was thinking a little deeper than that. just like, "i wish he was here. cuz it's such a f/ucking gorgeous day," and it was like, butterflies and balloons and love and all that pretty early spring shit. and when you love someone, it's like, even if you are content, you know, which i was, and i can be, very often, i just wanted, you know, him. whatever. what the hell am i trying to say?
i dont know, it was really, really pretty and all of a sudden a warm breeze came up and i was like, "i wish he was here."
what the f/uck? i am so weird.

so. i think it's just like...rachel and i are like, in a shithole. we are like, i don't know. i guess she needs to learn and grow. discover what she wants, you know? the fact that she does not want me or is questioning her trust in me or whatever, makes me very sad. so whatever.

i must seek buddha.
i must seek ... sex?


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Date:2004-03-04 19:04
Subject:bad day again
Mood: sad
Music:Creep - Radiohead

this bitch is tired
i think im entering psychosis
and sadness


i think he and i are over, or never going to begin or whatever
oh but he's lovely
so yes - i cried in the parking lot (thank you, boricua!)
i just don't want to have to give up on this, on him-
why do i always have to give up?
why do i always have to let go?
god he's f/ucking lovely.
i love him.
i don't want to let go.


she is not...caring. like. she doesn't care. it's not her fault. i mean, i am not saying this in anger. she does not love me. she does not care. and if she does, she does not know how. and i am sad for it. and i am not saying we are over. i know that i loved rachel more than her other friends (i would never say this to her) that she had falling-outs with. i know this because it is true - because i take the time to look at her, to really give enough of a f/uck to look at her as a person, and as my friend, and i look at myself - so yes, i know i care.
i care.

maybe i am wrong. because "he and i" do not exist, and because rachel and i do not seem to be working, but then others say they care, and others respond so well to me.
is it me? is it them? is it both?

i am so pleased with myself. at this very moment, when interacting with others, i am literally insane, but typing all this i am perfectly coherent. it's weird. i need to get stable. going off the meds was a badddd idea. i need to get stable.
im sad today.

thank god for radiohead.


PS- love and luck to all my pals out there - you know who u are

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Date:2004-03-03 09:35
Subject:again at the school
Mood: irate
Music:I Hope You Die - Bloodhound Gang

here we are
carter's being an ass
unusual for him
i don't want to work
i don't ever want to work
i don't ever want to do things that are hard for me
i want to be high
oh wow
i never write in caps
i must be angry
i am angry
im soooooo angry
i hate everything
i want a cigarette
i want some drugs
i want something
i want a release
i want a release
i fucking hate her i have no fucking reason to hate her and i hate her so much DIE
i need to stop typing before i freak out it's freaking me out
and im mad at all my friends
not all of them
rachel keeps treating me like shit
ill never have a 'fro to call my own
fuck fuck fuck


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Date:2004-03-01 15:28
Subject:la la la
Mood: bitchy
Music:Seventy Times 7 - Brand New

im talking to my "first love"
i want to tell him things and ask him things, in hopes of some sort of like, learning about myself bullshit.
i highly doubt that he would. he's a deep person. a smart person. he's joining the f/ucking peace corps! but he wouldn't talk to me.
i don't love him anymore.
it's just that ... it matters. i loved him once. just like ... ugh, i loved jay once. :/
and just like i love "him" now.
it matters because that's who i was, or who i am, or something, and maybe there is stuff there i never figured out because i was younger and emotions got the better of me, and i never fully got to finish.

it pisses me off how much i have to figure out. i just never believed that donnie darko..."we're all alone" shit. i mean. i tried not to.
"he's" hot. he missed me today.
i love jesussssss


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Date:2004-02-28 18:26
Mood: annoyed
Music:Bitch - Meredith Brooks

there are a lotta people i can't stand
but mainly just people who are mean or people who are ... fake i guess
that's about it
or people who have hurt me
there's no reason to hurt people unless you know, we feel threatened or whatever
i was thinking a lotta people i know (or know of) could read these entries and potentially be assholes to me about things ive said, especially about tony or whatever... i say really personal shit in here
but whatever
the whole point im trying to get across is i care about certain things, certain people, and im just not planning on wasting my time on petty shit
that's all
im with my best friend tonite and we're gonna do some very bad things and have a f/ucking great time
and i met a f/ucking gorgeous guy
he was hot, named jamaal - haha just like carter! aww carter, he's fine, too...
well goodnite to all, have hope, reach out, MAKE LOVE


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Date:2004-02-27 16:59
Subject:at my bitch's
Mood: excited
Music:All You Need Is Love - The Beatles

i was kind of high all day today, so bear with me as i am sort of down now, but im not really sure
i feel good
i was SO off-the-walls today and i talked to some great people ... this terrific (and sexy) "superior" of mine told me we could get drunk together, and we just laughed a lot and had fun. and i just adore having a good laugh with a kool dude. and he's older than me, and i have a lotta issues with the guys my age, so it made me feel like there's hope! argh, and as you can see hope is one of my ... "interests." hahaha. there are so many things to feel shitty about, and it's like, "why?"
i am reluctant to write about this, but i get so low sometimes that i think, 'i could end all of this now. tonite. i could make this all go away, and the things i find difficult i would never have to feel, ever, ever again.' but that's so not worth it. and kyle and i talked about that. but i was the one to remind him that the good - when it's good - is so much f/ucking better. it feels so f/ucking amazing sometimes. and of course - it's so hard to see that. especially when you're bipolar. especially when you're young. especially when life is shit.
but it gets better.
it's in your hands.

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Date:2004-02-26 22:34
Subject:Just Read It
Mood: calm
Music:Hey Love! - Jason Mraz

i worry, or i used to worry, that i'm really different than everybody else
like not as smart or determined or attractive or with-it or just anything ... than everybody else, and see, it's all making sense now
'cuz that's perfectly normal, you know, to feel that way
but i kick ass
im just my own person
and i realized, im kool with it, because when i wanna be someone else, or when i want it all to be over, i just think of the people i have loved, or the people i do love
and i think, i would not trade knowing them

i think of kyle, especially ... he has made me who i am, and i love him more than i thought capable, our relationship is indescribable and i adore him and would be nothing without him, and if i were anyone else, ANYONE, i would not know him in the way we know each other ... and so i am so f/ucking fortunate


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Date:2004-02-26 09:58
Subject:@ la escuela
Mood: bouncy
Music:Must Get Out - Maroon 5

hey im at school now
having a royally delightful time (no)
just had a conversation with my teacher about being drunk and such, and she's like im not sure i want to hear this...
weisse said i look like twiggy and im thinking "ha! twiggy and tara in the same sentence, ESP. when comparing us? NO!" '
>> i need a cigarette desperately <<
a sweet, SWEET, soothing, carcinogen-filled, dependable, cylinder of tobacco. how i CRAVE you. i think the more one craves something, the more it should be resisted, yes? it makes it more desirable, and maybe it makes us like better people or something...more conviction. and then if we actually get it, it's infuckingcredible.
i guess that's how i imagine "him." i see him and literally want him like a f/ucking heroin addict wants a fix. i seriously crave him. i look at his body, and imagine myself touching it. and these are pent up sexual feelings - i want him and i am watching and waiting. his physical amazes me. does that make sense? his body - it consumes me. i want every inch. i guess i figure the longer i can't have him the better it will be when i do.
IF i do.
but if i don't, won't it be devastating?
yeah, it will be devastating.
i can't have anyone else. NO ONE ELSE WILL DO.
there are a lotta fish in the sea. i'm a really f/ucking picky eater.


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Date:2004-02-25 18:17
Subject:By The Way
Mood: hopeful
Music:"I'll Be There" - Jackson 5

i'm not completely depressing, honestly
i mean, i just had a lot to say at...what did it say, 3:44 PM (?) and ive been home all day alone...anyway, i wanna go buy a cute polka dot skirt tonite or something equally fun and think good thoughts, feel better, etc.

i believe i owe a few people some phone calls to say "thinkin' of ya" (you know how it goes) esp. kelley and kyle - always insightful and thoughtful things to say

rachel says it's mind over matter, so i put on my jay-z and listen to "change clothes" and he'd probably laugh at me, but maybe it's symbolic...like change moods, you know? feel better, like what R says, gotta feel better
or as andre (3000) said keep on keepin' on.
and i shall
so ...

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Date:2004-02-25 15:44
Subject:it starts ~~~>

i was wasted, and he was there.
and i wasn't composed.
and i wasn't beautiful - but i never am.
i lost whatever control i thought i had. although, they say, control is an illusion, anyway. my point is i couldn't continue my game. i couldn't continue my f/ucking game. because alcohol won't allow it. no, i didn't say anything, or do anything. and no, i didn't "profess my love," or kiss him, or tell him exactly everything i've wanted to say for all this time, but i couldn't calculate my moves. i couldn't plan it out. i couldn't try to be perfect.

in my past when i "loved" someone, they knew within the first, like...10 minutes. i would pour my heart out, and thus the road of pain and rejection would begin. he has been driving me insane for 10 months, and i haven't said a word. although, being that im in high school and i am young and people are foolish, they decide to repeat things i say (whether or not i am serious,) and then he thinks he knows how i feel, and so he smiles politely sometimes. like the other nite as i sat in a dark room with my sweet, sweet friends and he walked in, and just smiled - maybe apologetically. maybe i'm insane.

if i honestly thought he was my future - if this were "in the cards" as they say, would i really be sitting here telling the internet about it? that's what i hate. if this were real, i doubt i'd be doing this. you think?

more thoughts?
i need to give more. i've been so down and out lately. i have been on the brink of tears constantly. and i feel so f/ucked over. like i was on the right track, and then it's gone. but now i'm just kinda like, you know - i need to get off myself. i need to give. i'm so f/ucking selfish. and you know, if i feel screwed over, maybe it's because i haven't given anything to the world, you know?
that's pretty much it. yeah.


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