I've felt so weird lately. My moods keep changing and I don't like it. Just in the past couple of days espically tonight, I feel like I've done nothing in my life. Which is true. What have I done? Nothing comes to mind. I feel out of place, and lonely. I just want someone in my life so bad. Someone to share everything with, someone to always be there, someone who understands me. I kind of hate myself right now, I don't know. I feel like I'm just wasting my life away worrying about stupid bullshit like getting grounded if I come home late, or if I don't clean the bathroom cause I don't feel like it. I want to do something more, see more, do more. But I can't. I feel so locked in, so trapped, I just can't. I wish for just one day I can fucking go and just do what I want to do without worrying, without responsibilities, without having to be a mother to everyone. I'm only fucking 16 years old, and believe me I have more responsibilities in this family then my mother does. I won't sit here and explain it cause I know. I just don't like having to always be the mature young adult of the house. I don't always have to play that role. I shouldn't have to play that role. There are two real adults present, that is their job. They had their teen years, they got married, they had kids, they need to step up and fulfill that role. My dad has, and I love him for it. He works his ass off, and I respect him. But my mother doesn't. My mom has mental issues, and it is obvious to me, my dad, and even her. She's admitted to it. But she isn't mentally retarded, and she definately knows wrong from right. I really don't understand the way she thinks most of the time. When I say I'm going bowling, that means I'm going fucking bowling. Bowling doesn't stand for an orgy, does it? Cause that's what she thinks. When I say I'm going to a friend's house, it doesn't mean I'm going to Atlanta to go fuck a random 40 year old man for 20 bucks. There is no fucking trust and I hate it. NONE. When she doesn't believe me, she makes me drag along my little sister when I go out. What the fuck, when I want to go out by myself sometimes with people she knows, I only want to be responsible for myself, not my little sister as well. I don't have a door knob on my bedroom door. But she has one on her closet. Why? Cause she doesn't trust me, or herself. She locks all her secrets away in her closet, and wants mine to be exposed for her own pleasure. To keep bitching at me for something. My mom always acts like she loves us in public, and is always hugging us and kissing us as long as someone is watching. But behind closed doors, that's when the real monster comes out. She's fucking crazy. She didn't do anything to me tonight or last night or the night before. But this was always how I felt about her. I have journals that I've kept since I was 10, and every page was about how much I hated her, or how much she hurt me. Since I was 10. I remember screaming at her telling her I hated her when she beat me, in like second grade. And I remember her saying, "If you hate me now, I wonder how you feel when you're 16, or 25." Well here's how I feel about you mom, have you made any progress? Fuck no. You only get worse as you get older. She has pushed everyone away from her life. Everyone who has only tried to love her and help her. She keeps crawling back to the ones that reject her, and I just keep losing more and more respect for her. I don't even know how I feel. I don't know if I'm angry, or if I feel sorry for her, or if I feel sorry for myself. I know I don't have it that bad. I have a house, clothes, food, and a family that is still together for the time being. But there is supposed to be something more in a fucking family that makes it a good, happy, healthy one. I know we all have our problems, but usually they try to work it out. My mom doesn't want to change for the good of the family. She wants us to change for her own benefit. She wants the fucking kids to be better for her own sake. Well first off, I don't drink, smoke, fornicate, or make bad grades in school. I'm always here when they need me, I'm not a bad kid. So how much better does she want me to be? She just wants me to treat her with respect, slave around the house for her, do this and that for her, and she still wants to mistreat me just because she feels like it. When I ask her why she's yelling at me for nothing, she says, "Because I feel like it." Okay, well I don't feel like respecting your ass anymore. You have lost all respect. All my respect. All of it. You treat me and the whole family like shit, you are having an affair and think it doesn't effect me one bit that I know. And she knows that I know, I confronted her. She just acts like normal. Like nothing happened. And she doesn't give a shit and she's not even willing to talk about it. She doesn't bring it up. How the fuck can she think this is right? She's a fucking Muslim woman for goodness sake, keep your fucking name clean. This is like the worse thing she could do. She could atleast have a little fucking respect for my dad who has given her everything, and divorce him before she starts a relationship with a white, Christian man. What the fuck is wrong with her. God I wish I could just go into her fucking mind and just read her. See how the hell this woman thinks.
Akhh, I'm so leaving for good. My mom has lost me. I don't think she'll ever be able to get me back after all I know, and how I feel about her. I don't even think she'll even try to get me back. I guess I'm like the brick wall between her and her lover, and she'll be glad to get rid of me to have him. She likes our distant relationship so I don't dig in and find more about her. Fuck, I don't want to know more believe me. Does she even think about anyone else in her life but this fucking man? Is he everything to her now? He must show her a lot of fucking love for her to mistreat her own family the way she does. I really don't get it. I just really really fucking hope I learn from her mistakes. I hope I don't do this to my own family one day when I have one. I don't even think about the future cause I don't feel like I have one. I kind of feel like I am stuck in this phase forever. That I'm going to always feel like this, cause this is all I know, and ever will know. I know it's not true, but I will never know till the future comes, and I hate not being ready for it. It's going to be hard. But I am a very strong person. So bring it on. Goodnight everyone<3
*I'm sorry for not commenting or reading anyone's journals lately. I will catch up soon. Goodnight.*