| i hate michal |
[21 Sep 2004|11:19pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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music |
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soad - psycho [haha thats funny] |
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die michal, die with iddo and pavel!!!!!
she told me im psycho! and crazy! and people who cut themselves dont deserve to live! >
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| psychiatrists and psychologists... |
[20 Sep 2004|09:54pm] |
yes i told my parents that i think about suicide. i cant tell them i cut myself. cant. so now im gonna see the psychologist next week. what joy... and i may need in 90% to take meds. well ....
OMFG!!!!!!!! Iddo just sent me a message that he wants to know whats up and i told him...and he told me good luck with everything! WTTTTFFFFFFFF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! and again everybody with me WTF????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who does he think he is? he laughed at me, called me a freak, why is he like this? why now?
anywayz, im gonna see the psychologist next week and....im gonna go to the psychiatris coz...i need to know if i need meds or what meds should i take. lifes not fair. im getting someone to go with me everywhere and to keep sharp objects far away from me. so now i have someone to talk when i pee or what?! i need help but not like this...
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| im gonna tell my mom about it all. |
[19 Sep 2004|02:45pm] |
im going to tell her. yes i am. i am i am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhh i have to do so much things today. i know she wont be mad. im not depressed anymore. i dont feel like it anymore. i have tons of energy just waiting to be wasted!!! finally im happy[er] yeah. lifes getting better but not so much. ah but thats better i guess. yes yes. yes.
what? i dont cry!!! i never cry!! yes i do...i cried once last year about iddo because he started to cut himself for me. but thats iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! im gonna stay like this forever nowi can really cry...
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| God |
[17 Sep 2004|10:15pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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i cant stop moving, i cant stop just cant. i need to calm down somehow but i cant. i dont understand how it all even got into me. its not the first time it happens. it happened to me a few months ago but i tried to deny everything. but now i cant. people say that i have this mania-depression and i just cantbelieve. i cant fucking cant. what if i have it what now? how can i handle it? i prefer to live and not know about it at all. i dont even know what mania-depression is, i mean im not sure. i cant stp moving, some one please you gotta help me stop. everything is racing and i have to run with it i have. i dont know. its out of my control. im not crazy i am not. i am normal. i hate it when people tell me that this behavior is wierd and so unusual. i hate hate hate hate it. i dont wanna cut myself now i dunno. actually i feel good so good that it makes me feel bad. i feel like everything is under my control except for those feelings why cant they dissapear? i tried to pin myself but i dont wanna pin myself and i tried to do something slowly but i cant it makes me mad. its not the first time this happens but i never thought about it as a disorder or i dunno. ok im trying to calm down...breathing deeply but i feel like blood is rushing is moving i need to move! i fucking need to move!! scratching myself wont help anymore. i need something i need something...i need something! i dunno something to do something! i fucking dont what. something for something! i used to lock myself when this happened but they told me to stop doing it. so i stopped! but i cant stop! why cant i stop?!it helps so much to write coz it is something. and then i guess that means i am doing something. yes i am. hmm i feel like going out but i have some guests right now. i dunno. i wanna have some fun. i wanna go out. yeah. i have to go out right nownownownownownow. 12345678909876533221123456789009876323 finally it makes me peace 222345678i0988y7t6r5r432gftr,ku34bvgy38569 i7258956 3pv5830 aejst;pc,0rp3583905b35nm90p;bk50389bhq3p;ckl059vhj503b5h;0w.vikrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrektuw4io3y59w3875vfwh79b67690347bn974957 997 God. i went to the bathroom, i dunno. i wanted to throw up but if i start i wont stop so i guess i wont do it.
i saw the Jews live today yeah they really rocked! my friend told me i was dancing like crazy like im lost in a trance or something. i love being lost in something. it makes you high [makes you hide makes you really wanna go - STOP] i dunno. i have this song in my mind. i have so much to tell right now and i need to do it but not like this. i wanna talk to someone coz it helps. it really helps but my friends to the support group arent there right now. fucking God. please someone talk to me i need it. i really do. i dunno what to do now i have to talk. i have to. my icq is 258084155 please please i need it. i need God i fucking need it. i feel like im losing my mind i just...
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