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Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in
XxlonligirlxX's Blurty:
| Wednesday, August 27th, 2003 | |
| 11:47 am | not so much... Its a really good thing that I am hangin with Katrina today...cuz I just cant take the shit anymore... I need to shut myself off from all these pain causing females in my life... blow after blow...and I keep coming back for more... I need to practice otherwise I'll end up with nothing but 0's for my ensemble ratings... how many friends will I make then? I wonder if Autumn Leaves is too slow or if I should play something more challenging...right now I am completely undreprepared for this...I am relying on the fact that these are Berklee people and hopefully they can base my ratings on my tone quality and placement of accents rather than on how fast I can play a string of notes...at least I'm not going back to high school though...i mean, one thing i can guarantee is that I wont have to copy math problems out of an oversized textbook and attempt to solve them... although that would be slightly less nerveracking than this audition... my mouth hurts...being done with braces should mean no more pain...this is not fun...and these retainers are too tight...sara said her's were lose but mine are definately tight...they squeeze my gums, which then proceed to bleed profusely causing my retainers fill up with blood...actually it looks kind of cool..I should take a picture... yea....practicing needs to happen... Current Mood:  blankCurrent Music: The Price is Right theme song.. |
| Tuesday, August 26th, 2003 | |
| 4:39 pm | NO braces...rock on y'all.. (I am feeling rather southern at that moment) guess what guess what? I saw Andrea and I didnt even have to stalk her...really... oh man..I am walking on air... I love that woman..and I have no fucking idea why... spoooooooooooooooffffffffff! Current Mood:  ecstaticCurrent Music: AFI -Dancing thru Sunday |
| Saturday, August 23rd, 2003 | |
| 12:51 pm | Who live in a pineapple under the sea? I slept in my spongebob tee shirt last night... Today and yesterday have involved lots of seeing people...having to be sociable and such...My stepdad's parents are here...I'm not sure whether I can call them my stepgrandparents or what...but I guess they're just yia-yia and papou...(greek) and ya..I have been pretty social I guess..considering the fact that my mind is screaming and i havent smoked in wayyy too long...cigarettes have started to make me sick again, and I've been watching what I eat rather excessively... Tracy is home! She flew back from Fla. yesterday and I cant wait to see her...we taled on the phone this morning..she is so funny...I forgot how much fun her and I have together...I'm so excited that she's back for the week..me and her and our moms are gonna go out to eat monday night... gotta get through the weekend first... Shan is in RI.. I think Michelle is back from Boston...she still hasnt called...I'm not exactly sure what to do...I dont know if she wants me to talk to her or not...I dont want to be intrusive, as I often tend to be..particularly when I'm as intrigued by a person as I am her... hmm.. tomorrow I think I'm going to Dad's and going shopping for school shit...laundry detergent and such... another day without smoking... I'm not sure I can handle this :-/ Current Mood:  discontentCurrent Music: Spongebob theme song...grr |
| Friday, August 22nd, 2003 | |
| 12:58 pm | try to prescribe...a remedy... I am lonely... why doesnt anyone want to hang out with me? I guess thats something I need to work on...only I don't exactly know what to do... I wish people would be more up front with me..like, tell me that they dont want to see me and why instead of just avoiding me... that would make things a lot easier... Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: Melissa Ferrick |
| Thursday, August 21st, 2003 | |
| 12:06 pm | Mars... (htis is what I wrote last night) You can still see Mars tonight...just like when Sara and I were at the beach two nights ago... Its hard to believe that was two nights ago..time is moving fast... under most circumstances that would be a good thing, but I feel like I just dont have enough time for everything...like some sort of metaphorical walls are closing in... Today was somewhat empty...it was ridiculously hot and we had eight frogs in our pond, which is more than I have ever seen.. Sara and I went to get icecream and visit Kate because she was working...JC's actually has this new flavor, chocolate raspberry, and it has frozen raspberries in it..real ones! So that kind of made my night...and then Sara invited me over to watch Harold and Maude...which is such an excellent movie, everyone should see it....but with an open mind... although it kind of opens your mind just seeing it...annnyway... Its night...I think I'll be up late tonight..I feel it...I'm not tired..and its too hot to sleep yet...unless my room cools off a real lot I am NOT going up there.. man..I miss the city so much..I miss everyone I met there...I have decided to take a summer class there so I can live in the dorms all next summer as well as all year...Boston fucking owns.. (sidenote..still nothing from Michelle...I guess there must have been something missing between us..either that or she's afraid...but I dont want her to call me if she doesnt want to...I dunno..I miss her, but maybe someday I will see her again...things will be different...) man I fucking hate Jill...what a loaded weapon she is..she pretends to be all peaceful and kind and then all u have to do is push one of her buttons just a little bit and she explodes... man...what a loose cannon...and other such expressions that fit.. I have come to the conclusion that I need new medication...I think I'm bipolar...ask anyone who is close to me..my range of emotions is insanely large, and I plunge into depression as fiercely as I ascend upon unbridled happiness...like I'm the fucking queen of the universe... I dont think that shit is good...and I bet smoking pot makes it worse...I dont fucking care tho..I mean...soemtimes, my thoughts are just too much and I need to dissolve them to the point where all I care about are the patterns in the wallpaper or the motion of the leaves on the trees.. pot is bad...dont ever do it.. hm...well I gotta go call linds..she will make me smile..in that sort of "I feel all special because someone actually looks up to me" sort of way... Current Mood: hotCurrent Music: Coldplay... |
| Tuesday, August 19th, 2003 | |
| 5:08 pm | more hate to consume... Michelle hasnt called...I dont think she's going to... I dont know why I cant hold on to people...I think there's something wrong with me... I wish the people who didnt like me would tell me why they didnt like me so that I could fix it....I hate dwelling in this pain... I hate knowing how happy everyone else is with someone else, like shan..I miss her so much..I am happy she has sara..but I'm fuckign jealous...I will never have anyone like that..I will never have anyone...I cant be happy for anyone anymore...as much as I try..would someone please tell me what the fuck is so unlovable about me? last night I went to the beach with Sara..we saw shooting stars..I think I was happy for about 10 minutes..then I got sick because I hadnt eaten all day and I had two cigarettes...then Sara and I cuddled and I was happy again for about five minutes...and then I felt dumb...and Michelle still hadnt called... I cant wait to leave this place...not that it will be better anywhere else...there'll still be women to swoon over and stupid obsessions that I dont deserve to have...poetry .. I fucking hate girls...which I guess is good, cuz they hate me too... I have to go fucking clean my room and vacuum and do shitloads of laundry because my mom has deicded that it all needs to be done before I go to school...I have to clean shit and then I hae to drive my fucking mother to go pick up her car...I want to die...I'm in the worst mood I've been in in a long time...something drastic must occur otherwise I fear I'll never snap out of this... what's worse is that I write all this shit...pour my heart out to an empty screen..and I never even get any comments on this god forsaken journal..which means, quite frankly that no one cares to console me... that adds to everything wonderfully... fucking life...it needs to end... Current Mood:  pissed offCurrent Music: deafening silence... |
| Monday, August 18th, 2003 | |
| 12:39 pm | hate... I think my intensity is going to get the best of me one of these days... I returned from the songwriting workshop yesterday, to those of you who actually knew I was gone... I had the most AMAZING time there...everyone was so beautiful, so talented, so...accepting... I cant wait to go to school there, I hope its the same. Ofcourse there is the possibility that it wont be, at which point the suicidal thoughts will return... My roommates were rockin, extremely talented...Alicia and Alex..I clicked with them pretty quickly...we hung out a lot..and we also met these dudes from Canada that were really cool...really entertaining people...no one was boring at all...everyone had a story...something to bring to the group... and the first night, I ended up jammin with this guy Chris from tennessee...he played one of his original pieces and I improved with him...Alicia took a video of it with her digital camera... I met this girl while I was in the city...Michelle...she is amazing (I will probably overuse this word but it just fits so well when describing the past four days). She writes like a dream, I connected with her almost instantly...its like, technically i barely know her, but I feel like she has been my friend for years...she's beautiful...though I think she is somewhat afraid of the fact that I think that about her...ofcourse all the most amazing girls are the ones you have to withstand ripping your heart out in order to love them...she runs from me, actually I wouldnt even say that her and i had any kind of a happy ending...it was like, we got really fucked up at this party on thursday night, hung all over each other, ended up making out (man was THAT a powerful experience!) And then the next day, it withered away to just talking, and i was torn to pieces...so much that I tried to kiss her friday night..which I regret, because we had just been out at the Christian Science center sitting my the illuminated fountains for hours and talking about everything and nothing...sharing cigarettes...having mindsex...as michelle would say...anyways, I feel that trying to kiss her that night was really inapropriate because we had developed such an intense relationship just by talking...I dunno...I like her a lot... The last day I lost her...literally...when it was time to leave I couldnt find her anywhere...and I still havent talked to her since saturday night before i went up to my room to get some rolling papers for a couple of guys...(damn potheads)...I hate that I kind of chose drugs over her...I mean, not that I intentionally did that, but when I came back down from chillin with those guys (we didnt even smoke) she was gone, and I ran all over the place looking for her...it sucked so much... I miss her like hell now and I dont know what to do with myself... I gave her my cell # and I am waiting for her to call..but I dont think she will... I hate girls... I cant believe myself either, I swore I wouldnt fall in love again...and here I am, feeling the same way...its fucking inevitable... but I'm just so desperate...fuck..I hate it.. I guess that whole experience both brightened and put a damper on my time at the workshop...not that I regret meeting Michelle..I just regret the way I am with people... sigh... today I am supposed to chill w/sara...she's with molly...I wont go into it...I just dont enjoy molly's company...but only because it is oh so obvious that she doesnt enjoy mine... man...so many shitty things are goin down...I just read shan's journal...she is all happy with other ppl...I mean, dont get me wrong, I am happy for her, but I miss her...she thinks I've moved on just because of this michelle stuff...I havent... not at all... Linzi is online now, I am talking to her, though she is grounded for being the crazy lil bitch that she is...(to anyone who doenst know, linzi is the girl I met in the Dominican Republic..mad cool kid if u ask me...) Anyways, I would love so much to see her...I'm gonna kidnap her and keep her in my dorm room closet... I got to see the mass ave dorms where I'm gonna live next year b/c I helped Michelle move there for the second session that she's gonna be at till the 22nd (if she calls me I am goin in to see her..) but yes, the dorms are sweeet...and I kno exactly where I could stash Linzi...hehe... damnit..I fucking hate this shit... I want a cigarette...I smoked so much in the city...everyone did...I hate being home...its so fucking depressing...lonely... I am reminded of my lack of friends when I'm here... I need to go back to Boston NOW!!! ok, this is long enough... Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Still Remedy Sessions... |
| 11:56 am | why start a blurty? I'm not sure if I should put all of my old entries from deadjournal.com here, or if I should just start fresh... I did this because I want to be able to access friends from this site in addition to my friends from deadjournal... and plus, here you dont need one of those code thingys... I guess if you want you can start by reading my deadjournal, or whatever... www.deadjournal.com/users/xxremediexx copying and pasting will occur so usually if u read my deadjournal u dont have to read this and vice versa... hmm..yes, I belive that takes care of the business end of things... Current Mood:  creativeCurrent Music: The Remedy Sessions... |