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jeSSiE

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[13 May 2004|04:49pm]
alright. i got a new journal. . .www.ujournal.org/users/let_me_breathe. yea. blurty sucks hah so i'm going there. it's not done though yet but it will be soon because megan h is helping me out with it and she's such a sweetie! kk well i'll be writing there.
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[12 May 2004|03:18pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | "make over"-christina aguilera ]

okay. before i start, i just want to say one thing. ever since i got this journal, i've had certain people telling me what my problems are. how i need help. blah. blah. blah. no. i understand people care about me and worry, but i mean it..i can take care of myself. do you not understand that when you talk about my problems to other people or even to my face it only makes it hurt even worse? apparently not because all i'm hearing lately is jess is depressed this, jess is sad that. i don't want to hear it. if you don't like what i'm writing about, DON'T READ IT. this isn't a place for you to judge me. worry about your own problems and focus less on mine.

school was fucked up today. apparently there's some shit talking going on about me. oh yea. and someone i thought i could trust (wow silly me) went and repeated something even when i told them not to. don't you just LOVE it when people do that to you? no. me either. i cannot tell you how many times i've been fucking hurt by these people that are supposed to be my friends (don't worry that's over now). my trust has been betrayed at least...um. maybe 6 or 7 times this year? by different people. i hate it. i hate crying, i hate being judged, i hate you WHAT AM I DOING WRONG!?! i didn't even do anything. it's all just a big mess. but you know what. i don't care anymore because i don't give a shit about you. keep talking. you'll regret it eventually.

i'm so sick of some of my so-called friends. well it's over. time to say goodbye. i have real people that care about me now. (i just hope they don't leave me too..) so this is the end. the end of all those memories, all the years we've grown and shared together, all the laughs and the secrets. done. it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. and neither do you.

go ahead. judge me. it's what you're good at.


oh yea. fuck you
-later
me.

you only want to bring me down

3 comments|post comment

[11 May 2004|03:32pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

ugh. sucky day. i got a hug from zach though and he made me feel a little better. =) thanks babe. anyway. apparently, someone (aka the bitch who shall remain nameless) said she hopes i die and i should go to hell. haha. i didn't even do anything and she's saying all this shit about me. giving me dirty looks, trying to get her little friends to give me dirty looks. it's not gonna work. i don't CARE what she, or anyone, thinks of me. it still hurts hearing all these lies and spreading of gossip about you, but i don't care. and it especially pisses me off when i didn't even do anything! what the fuck. it's all about her, no one listens to my side of the story. well i got news for you hun, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about so you can just stop talking shit because it's not getting you anywhere.

i had such a bad day. i just want to get away. if i could, i'd run away forever. i wouldn't miss this shit hole. there's people i love and i'd miss them so much, but at the same time i just want to be alone. i'm so sick of this junior high shit. it's not worth it. i mean, seriously, who cares who's going out with who or ooo omg her thong is sticking out! GROW UP! it makes me fucking sick. why do other people waste so much time caring about what other people do and can't even see how imperfect they are too?

i just hate it. everything. ugh i can't even look at some people anymore they just fucking piss me off.

and now here i am crying my eyes out over worthless crap. ugh. i'm only one person. i only have one heart. how many times can my heart be broken? i'm sick of crying. i'm just sick of it all. i can't take it anymore.

now you people reading this, don't go thinking i'm gonna commit suicide now or blah blah blah. this is my journal. my place to vent. i don't need doctorly advice from you.

whatever.

love
me.

1 comment|post comment

[10 May 2004|03:09pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

school was alright. i had a cup of raisins for lunch. still felt like too much. tomorrow i won't give in to the hunger. anyway. my friend asked me if i was mad at her, and i told her truthfully, yes. i hate it when people think i'm a bitch, a backstabber, a worthless piece of shit. i am not like that, and for whatever reason all my old "friends" tend to think that. i changed...big deal. everyone changes. i'm not going to stay stuck in one group for the rest of my life. i hate cliques. i'm starting to become friends with people that i never thought i'd be friends with, but they are really good people despite what other people might think of them. who cares what they think. like katie s, i've known her all my life and we've hardly ever had a conversation. now we're talking online all the time, seeing each other in school more and stuff and i think it's so awesome because she's so easy to talk to. i have a hard time relating to anyone and it's nice to start having people i can relate to. zach too, he's such an amazing person and i love him to death. i hardly knew him last year. and so many other people. i think as time goes by, you just learn to realize who's meant to be in your life. and of course, who's not.

aight i'm such a preacher haha. my point is, i don't want to feel tied down anymore. i don't want people judging me, making me feel like i'm the outsider and i don't belong. i've felt like that pretty much all my life. i don't care how they see, it's how it feels for me. i want a change. and if that means having new people in my life, then so be it. everyone is fighting their own battles, but i don't think some people realize how hard it is for me. somedays i don't want to wake up in the morning because i'm so frustrated with the life i live. i don't want to feel that way anymore. unfortunately, it won't go away.

at least not until i get some help.

i'm not talking about the oh im here for you shit. i mean professional help. i don't even know when or if that's even gonna happen though. my mom still hasn't spoken a word of it to my dad. um. problem. my dad is the "king" and i am the "princess"...the princess can't do anything wrong, she is perfect. no weaknesses.

yea. right.

he's going to ask me why and i don't want to get into the food. and other things i'm not even going to write about because they're too secret and too personal. yea. so don't even ask.

well. better go do homework. dance tonight. food for dinner. woo hoo.

note my sarcasm.


kisses
me.

3 comments|post comment

[09 May 2004|09:04pm]
[ mood | grumpy ]

long day. i went to the mall today and got a skirt and a pair of kapris, then went into victoria's secret and got some undies. hehe. next weekend i might go to the mall again and buy a formal dress and something for graduation. then my momma is gonna take me out to lunch. =) how fun. i hope i can hang out with deanna, katie s, and christina though because i didn't get to this past weekend. anywho. tomorrow is school. how fun. i have spanish for ua this week. erg. i hate him. but oh well. um. what else. tonight i had dance. ballet sucked but jazz was okay. i would maybe go back if kristin was my teacher next year because maria is a pain in the ass. kristin is so awesome. but, i don't think she's going to so screw that. besides i've had enough of this bull shit. i want to have fun and not have to worry about being at the studio every weekend or memorizing steps. i love being on stage, but i'm ready to move on to bigger and better things.

yea.

i can't wait until next year. this school sucks. my friends suck. haha. oh wait. they're not my friends. they're bitches. yea i said it.

hmm. i'm tired. i still have to straighten my hair and finish up science. more later.

love
me.

i hate everything about you
why do i
love you

sometimes i just want to run away.

2 comments|post comment

FUCKING BORED! [08 May 2004|08:39pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Name: jessica
Do you like it?: no. i hate it.
Nicknames: jess, jessie, jessa leigh, jessie ju loo
Birthday: april 3
sign: aries
Location: massachusetts
School: SMS
Job: n/a
Status: single
Crush: if you wanna call it that.
Virgin?: yea
Natural hair color: brown
Current hair color: blondish/brownish/reddish. heh.
Eye color: blue
Height: 5'2"
Shoe size: 7
Bra size: if you really wanna know see me in private. ;) hehe.

[ FAMILY ]

Siblings: 3 brothers, 2 half brothers
Favorite relative: my cousin Jo! =)
Pets: dog, cat

[ FAVORITES ]

Number: 1
Color: baby blue
Day: Friday and Saturday
Month: December
Movie: Grease
Food: pizza, fruit
Band: Yellowcard
Season: summer and winter
Sport: football
Class: English
Teacher: Ms Bazinet
Drink: water, kahlua
Veggie: i have no clue.
TV Show: american dreams, the oc
adio Station: 107.9
Store: rave, weathervane, jc penney
Word: confuzzled
Animal: dogs
Flower: white roses
State: ma and new york

[ THIS OR THAT ]

Me/You: depends on who the you is.
Coke/pepsi: neither
Aol/aim: aol
Cd/cassette: cd
Dvd/vhs: dvd
Jeans/khakis: jeans
Car/truck: car
Tall/short: tall
Lunch/dinner: dinner
NSYNC/BSB: Nsync
Britney/Christina: Christina
Gap/Old Navy: neither
Lipstick/Lipgloss: lipgloss
Alcohol/Weed: alcohol



[ THE PAST ]

What is the one thing you would change about your past?: me caring about friends that i thought cared about me. what a joke.
What is the biggest mistake you've made in your life?: thinking that my friends were actually friends.
Last thing you heard: music downstairs
Last thing you saw: parts of The Little Mermaid hah best movie.
Last thing you said: i'm so fat.
Who is the last person you saw?: my parents
Who is the last person you hugged?: my mom
Who is the last person you fought with?: my dad
Who is the last person you were on the phone with?: deanna
What is the last TV show you saw?: punk'd
What is the last song you heard?: foolish games by jewel

[ THE PRESENT ]

What are you wearing?: pj's. t-shirt and shorts.
What are you doing?: sitting on my fat ass with a headache, filling out this pointless thing because i'm fucking bored.
Who are you talking to?: no one
What song are you listening to?: nothing
Where are you?: my room
Who are you with?: i'm alone. =(
Are you online?: no
How are you feeling?: tired, pmsy, lazy
Are you in a chatroom?: no

[ THE FUTURE ]

What day is it tomorrow?: Sunday
What are you going to do after this?: hmm. i don't know. sleep. listen to music. whatever.
Who are you going to talk to?: whoever is online.
Where are you going to go?: no where
What do you wanna be?: psycologist
Where will you be in 25 years?: i'll tell you when i get there.

[ HAVE YOU EVER ]

Drank?: yes
Smoked?: no
Stolen?: no
Lied?: yep
Done anything illegal?: no, i don't think so.
Wanted to die?: mhmm.
Hit someone?: yes
Ate sushi?: nah
Broken a bone?: nope
Made someone cry?: probably. oh well.
Won a contest?: no
Been in a fist fight?: no
Loved someone?: yes
Been in a car accident?: no

[ OTHER STUFF ]

Do you write in cursive or print?: both
Are you a lefty or a righty?: righty
What piercings do you have?: 2 in each ear
Do you drive?: not yet.
Do you have glasses or braces?: nope
How many pillows on your bed?: 4
Do you have your wisdom teeth?: yup
Do you collect anything?: um. not really.
Do you like this survey? no

[ PHYSICAL APPEARANCE ]

What do you most like about your body?: nothing. i'm so fucking fat. makes me wanna puke
And least?: hah don't get me started.
How many fillings do you have?: none
Do you think you're good looking?: no
Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking?: yea, too much. for whatever reason.
Do you look like any celebrities?: i've been told i look a bit like Kelly Clarkson. i don't see it.

[ FASHION ]

Do you wear a watch?: no
How many coats and jackets do you own?: um, 3?
Favorite pants/skirt color?: jeans
Most expensive item of clothing?: shoes
Most treasured?: my jewelry
What kind of shoes do you wear?: vans, flip flops since it's just about that time! <3
Describe your style in one word: me


10 THINGS YOU'RE LOOKING FORWARD TO
01. summer
02. graduation
03. high school
04. driving
05. leaving this town
06. no more dance class.
07. seeing my friends on monday.
08. going to college
09. going shopping
10. counseling.

09 THINGS YOU WEAR EVERYDAY
01. makeup
02. pants/skirt
03. tops/sweatshirts
04. jewelry
05. thongs
06. socks
07. shoes
08. bra
09. nail polish


08 THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU
01. when my so called friends talk behind my back. haha. i got news for you. you're not my friends.
02. labeling other people
03. being ignored
04. sitting at home, alone.
05. dance class
06. pms! haha
07. people that are just annoying.
08. drama


07 THINGS YOU TOUCH DAILY
01. my hair
02. my face
03. computer
04. phone
05. unfortunately, food.
06. clothes
07. water


06 ARTISTS YOU'VE SEEN LIVE
01. nsync
02. justin timberlake
03. christina aguilera
04. black eyed peas
05. bbmak
06.




05 FAVORITE SONGS OF THE MOMENT
01. only one-yellowcard
02. dangerously in love-destiny's child
03. foolish games-jewel
04. until the day i die-story of the year
05. burn-usher

04 PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH
01. meggie
02. rachel
03. my mom
04. kelly



03 MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH AGAIN AND AGAIN
01. grease
02. life as a house
03. pirates of the caribbean


02 THINGS YOU DO EVERYDAY
01. bitch
02. laugh


01 PERSON YOU COULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH
01. yea right. i can only wish.


alright. well. that was stupid. bye.

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[08 May 2004|03:39pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

the talent show was fun last night. meggie and rachel were awesome! i was so proud of them. liv did really good too. anyway. after the talent show me and rachel went over meggie's. we got some ice cream and had it when we got to her house and we had some more for breakfast. good stufff. then we watched a johnny depp movie and listened to the lion king soundtrack. lot's of fun. i love my girls!

so. now i'm home. deanna wanted me to go over and i wanted to go too but my mom said no because i just got home from meghan's and we might be going shopping soon. i really wanted to hang out with her, katie s and christina but oh well. we'll have to soon you guys!

ugh. i feel gross so i'm gonna take a shower and see what the rest of my boring day is going to be like. write later.

2 comments|post comment

[07 May 2004|03:09pm]
[ mood | dorky ]
[ music | "The Hero Dies in this One"-The Ataris ]

today was better. i'm so glad it's friday though. an end to this week of hell! woo hoo. and it was also my last gym week. yess. we got progress reports today. ms sonntag put on mine "extra help is available if needed." i'm such a failure. i beat myself up over nothing but i don't care because it made me feel so bad. i've been going through so much emotional shit this term. errg. i hope my school work isn't suffering. but anywho. my test scores are in the ranges of 70-92 which means they're incosistent, but my homework grades are all high. so whatever. mr cap said i'm missing 2 homework assignments. i don't know what the fuck he's talking about but oh well. yea. i hate school. most of my friends (some of them i wouldn't even call them that...more like associates without my control.) all get good grades and basically shove them in my face half the time. i'm smart, but i don't care about school the way they do.

that was a waste of time writing about. fuck it. i better get my emotional act together though or Daddy will be getting mad. and we don't want that now do we.

tonight i'm sleeping over meggie's. i don't know what else is planned for this weekend. i have dance class on sunday. oh yay.

hope you guys have a good weekend.

i love you.

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[06 May 2004|05:37pm]
[ mood | angry ]

oh yay now i have more people mad at me. i'm so fucking sick of people. leave me the hell alone!. i don't want anything to do with you.

1 comment|post comment

[06 May 2004|04:50pm]
[ mood | pmsing ]
[ music | "my immortal"- evanesence ]

sucky day. it hasn't been a good week overall but oh well. tomorrow is friday. finally. i want the weekend to be here so badly. this week has just been dragging along, same old boring shit in school, same old drama. ugh. anywho. i stayed after and made up a math quiz. fuck math. i hate it. i always get a B and it sucks because all i hear from my dad is "well it could be an A." i'm so sick of being perfect for him. he basically told me he owns me until i'm 18. haha yea okay. maybe i'm just a bitch, but i'll do whatever the hell i want.

with that said. tomorrow night is the talent show. fun fun. i don't know if i'm sleeping over meghan's afterwards. we'll have to work something out but i hope so. i had a salad at lunch. mmm. only not. it felt like too much for whatever reason. everything i eat feels like too much. someone asked me if i was bulimic today. i'm always asked if i have an eating disorder. i don't even really know if i have one. i don't make myself throw up, but i'd be lying to you if i said i eat all the time.

whatever. i'm fucked up.

so. well. i'm pmsing and in a bad mood. haha. i'm talking to zach and katie s online. they're both the coolest! better get going on some homework. woo hoo. adios.

-me.

you're giving me no room to breathe

2 comments|post comment

[05 May 2004|06:08pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | tipsy ]

same old shit today. nothing exciting or out of the ordinary happened to me. the talent show is on friday. i'm going. ugh. and my whole family is going too. i'm not sitting with them haha. anywho. then on friday night i'm hopefully sleeping over meggie's. that'll be fuun. hmm what else. i need to go shopping and buy a new bathing suit and some more summer clothes. all my clothes from last year are too big. it's so friggin hard to buy pants though because i have a big ass and these muscular thighs but a really small waist. lol it sucks, man. but oh well. once i lose some more weight i'll be all set. just a few more pounds.

then i'll be okay.

so. may 18 i'm going to the doctor's for a therapist recommendation. hopefully. my mom still needs to tell my dad about it, and he's not going to like it. at all. he's going to be bull shit. i'm sure there will be lot's of screaming and yelling involved. tears. yea. you know the deal. but i don't care. this is for me, not for him. it's time to be fucking selfish!

we got our dance costumes. i hate all four of them. they all fit wrong, they're too big. errrg. nothing ever fits me right! whatever. this is my last year anyways so i'll just have to deal.

that's all i ever do. i just learn how to deal.


well. i'm out. later skaters. <3

-hugs,
me.

6 comments|post comment

[04 May 2004|03:38pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | "come on" Ben Jelen <3 ]

school was okay. i was in another bitchy mood. i don't really know why, but it happens. i'm so hungry right now but i'm not going to eat until dinner. uh yea. anywho. i don't have much to say so maybe i'll write later.

love.
-me.

come on
without you i'll never feel the love inside of me
you know that we
belong

4 comments|post comment

[03 May 2004|03:25pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | "we're in heaven"-dj sammy ]

ugh. i am in such a pissed off mood. i don't know why. i'm just in a fuck you mood. but what else is new? heh. anyway. recited my taming of the shrew lines today. i think i did pretty well. someone made me kind of nervous, but it happens. ran the mile. errrg. i've been jogging and working out all winter and spring and i couldn't even get my fat ass to get a good score. sometimes i really hate myself!

whatever. i better not post too much about my "depressing" day or all my friends will have a fucking panic attack. i can't even speak my mind without being judged. i'm so sick of it. i want to be left alone!

people are so hard to deal with

and i'm not saying i can't deal with people. i'm a big girl, i don't try to stay locked in the house for days at a time. it's just that i hate it when everyone thinks they need to protect me, oh we all need to save poor little suffering jess she needs love. no, i don't need your love. because it's not love, it's not concern. it's fucking pity. go take your bull shit somewhere else.

all i want is him

yea. bye.

-me.



get out of my head . . then i'll be fine

4 comments|post comment

[02 May 2004|04:37pm]
[ mood | confused ]

got back from liv's party a little while ago. lot's of fun. =) started to rain but it was all good. my hair got curly and i didn't even care. hehe. i have dance class in about 20 minutes. i'm not looking forward to that, but you gotta do what you gotta do. we're getting our costumes so i guess it won't be that bad. i'm hoping they're pretty. but they probably won't be because her costumes usually suck. um. so. i'm really confused. =( i won't go into it. hmmm. i'll just mope a little. yea. that's always fun.

until the day i die
i'll spill my heart for you


ugh. whatever. this is driving me crazy!

-hugs
me.

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[02 May 2004|10:36am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

good morning. =) i woke up a few minutes ago because i need to start getting ready for liv's party soon. the mall was fun yesterday. me and my momma always have such a good time! i bought a cute top from weathervane and a pair of undies. hehe. the rest of the night i didn't do anything. spent another saturday alone. =( brittney and me were supposed to go to the movies but she never called me. i don't know why but i'll be asking her tomorrow in school. i called nina last night around 8 and we got off the phone by 12:30 because my phone started dying. fun stuuuff.

so. today after liv's party i have dance class. we're getting our costumes. the dances are going to look like shit. half the people in my dance classes can't even dance so i don't know why they're doing it. heh aren't i nice? but seriously, it drives me crazy because i work my ass off and she just works me even more. ugh i'm just sick of everyone!

okay. well. i have nothing else to say. someone's mad at me which i don't give a shit about. yay another person who thinks i'm a bitch. there must be some kind of record going. =)

you made me hope for something better

what you taught me only your love could ever teach me
you got through when no one could reach me before

you taught me to run
you taught me to fly


see ya kids.

me.

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[01 May 2004|11:01am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | "dangerously in love" destiny's child <3 ]

i just woke up about 30 minutes ago. =( damn i would have loved to sleep in longer! anywho. today i'm going to the mall and tonight hopefully the movies. (brittney you need to call me!) mhmm. like i said yesterday, tomorrow is liv's party. it would have been a thousand million times better if meggie could go...but she can't! oh well. i'm sure you won't be missing anything spectacular anyways. KICK ASS AT YOUR SOCCER GAME! =)

worked out last night. did 150 sit ups instead of the usual 100. yep. well. i'm bored. and tired. but overall in a good mood. i've been listening to love songs since i woke up. hah. i'm such a sap like that though. ugh i have to memorize lines. i'll do that later. don't feel like it right now. tomorrow i also have dance class. oh fucking yay. if i could, i would quit. but since the recital is only like two months away, i can't...i made a commitment and i don't give up like that. but next year, no. it sucks. it's not even fun anymore and i spend half my time complaining about it. can't you tell how much i love it? hehe. she's a bitch and i hate the way she teaches. the end.

i am in love with you
you set me free
i can't do this thing called life
without you here with me
because i'm dangerously in love with you
i'll never leave


i loove that song. puts knots in my stomach. alright well i'm a loser. gotta go get pretty. bye bye. =)

-kisses,
me.

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[30 Apr 2004|03:17pm]
[ mood | silly ]
[ music | "you were meant for me"-jewel ]

i'm in an awesome mood! i haven't been this way for weeks! feels good. =) anyways. went to UMass today. it was okay, we went to workshops and got to meet some pretty cool people. and plus we got free t-shirts!! haha. that's always a bonus. dammmn.

tomorrow i'm hopefully going to see Mean Girls with brittney. we're going to learn some stuff from the movie so we can get some triicks. fun fun. then sunday is liv's party. that'll be pretty fun i guess. except for the fact that her mom doesn't approve of how i dress. haha. whatever.

so. i'm hyper. and happy. for once. it kind of sucks though because i don't have moods like this often. yea. it's always depressed or lonely. errg sucks to be me i guess! =\ welll i'm gonna go because i have nothing to say, nothing to do. don't miss me too much!

you're the only one that makes my heart beat faster
and slower . at the same time


-i love you
me.

5 comments|post comment

[29 Apr 2004|03:25pm]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | "baby i love you"-jennifer lopezzzz ]

thought i'd update before i left. school was pretty good. no complaints. i'm going to the baseball and softball game in about 30 minutes or so. that'll be fun! i can't wait to see all my girls! and who could forget those boys. =) tomorrow i'm going to UMass in Lowell so i won't be in school. alll day. yay. <3 fucking school. i hate it. i am going to miss everyone though once we all leave. it'll be hard considering most the people that actually matter to me are going to different high schools. =( oh well. we'll keep in touch. hopefully.

did my 100 sit ups last night and my leg excercises. i feel so fat right now though. errg. i'll probably have to do extra tonight. you know, just to be sure. i'm actually hungry...oh well. i'll probably have to eat all this shit at the game because all my friends are around and they "worry" about me. yea. it doesn't feel like that. it feels like you won't mind your own business.

yea. i'm feeling kind of bitchy. but what else is new? heh. we finished Ten Things I Hate About You today. mm i love heath, man. we need to memorize lines from The Taming of the Shrew. oh boy. i'm working alone. i'll probably get nervous and fuck up. or. i'll do a wonderful job. =) see i am improving!

well i gotta go get ready. not that anyone will be there or anything. hehe. have a good weekend!

come on and use me . . .
i've always wanted you. . .


-toodlez,
me.

1 comment|post comment

[28 Apr 2004|04:19pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

today was better. i know from some of my entries you all seem to be worrying about me. don't. i know you care and you can't help but worry, but i don't want people feeling sorry for me. and yes, i am a stubborn bitch but i can take care of myself. whether or not you realize that, well, i can't do anything about. i do appreciate the concern though. but please don't make me the victim of pity. i don't need that. and you may think that's not what you're doing, but that's how it feels. if you want to do anything for me, just be my friend. that's all i need.

anywho. school was okay. social studies quiz tomorrow. yay. um not. we're watching Ten Things I Hate About You in english class. one of my favorite movies. <3 heath ledger stars in it. oh my. so fucking great. libby and me are in love with him, haha so it's a lot of fun to watch.

hmm. i'm bored. i should be doing my math homework, but you know me. =) felt like updating. i can't wait until this year ends. i'm going to miss so many people, but i really want something new. i don't know what i'm looking for, but when i find it i'll know. maybe it's someone who will really love me, the way that i love them. or maybe it's just to be accepted for who i am. i'm not willing to change for anyone. and i don't take shit. i guess that's what people don't like about me, which i guess i can understand. but i think everyone should be like that. no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. period.




I hate the way you're always right
I hate the way you lie
I hate the way you make me laugh
and even more when you make me
cry

I hate it when you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call
but mostly I hate it that I don't hate you

not even close, not a little bit, not even at all ...

math is calling my name. see ya.

-love,
me

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[27 Apr 2004|03:39pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i'm going to vent in this entry. you don't like it, don't read. thank you very much.

i fucking hate my life. nothing ever works out for me. i'm always getting hurt. i have so much pain that i don't even know what to do with it. i walk around with this big weight on my shoulders and it hurts so bad! can i EVER be happy for once? i haven't felt that overwhelming happiness for so long. i hide everything. i make it seem like i'm happy, but i'm not. my heart has been bruised and torn apart so many times, and so many tears have been cried, i'm just sick of it. i'm sick of feeling this way. i'm sick of putting other people before me. sometimes i just feel like saying i don't give a shit about you. but i don't, because i care about other people. yea. you'd think it'd be mutual. but no. nothing ever is for me. i'm the bitch. i'm the pretty conceited girl. i'm the slut. they've said it all. i try not to let other people's judgements of me bother me, and usually they don't...but they still hurt. it doesn't leave you.

you know, i hate games. he seems to be playing games. yea well i'm fucking sick of you. you can do whatever the hell you want, choose your own friggin lifestyle, but you're making stupid choices and it's only hurting the ones that love you. whatever. sometimes you make me wish i didn't care about you that much.

i just want to be free. from everyone. my bad friends, myself...i want a change. if i could, i'd leave this town. start new. fresh. next year will be different. the people who didn't give a fuck about me, i won't give a fuck about them. how many times can someone's heart be wounded? it only takes so long before they leave.

and i'm telling you. i am ready to leave.

i walk around with this smile on my face. fake smile that is. sometimes it's real. other times, no. i'm the "happy girl", the one who has it all.

where'd you hear that lie

i'm not trying to make you all feel sorry for me. don't feel sorry for me. i can take care of myself. all i'm saying is i'm sick of the shit. the drama. i'm only one person. i can only handle so much.

i'm not a perfect person
there's many things i wish i didn't do . . .


hope i didn't waste your time. later.

-me.

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