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[02 Jul 2004|12:16am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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stay together for the kids by blink 182 |
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i went to see THE NOTEBOOK and i had to go by myself b/c no one i know wanted to see it and i didnt want to ask AINA or anyone like dat b/c i knew they wouldnt like the movie n i was all sad b/c i know angelica would have wanted to see this movie b/c shes all girly and into the gurlie sweet love story type movies and alen promised me he would go see it with me but of course he didnt go... even though the other day he told luke he was gonna go with me even though he wasnt interested in seeing the movie b/c it was something i wanted and he was willing to do something for me.... uhhh yeah... im not even gonna say anything about that b/c its just gonna upset me....
but w/e... any way i had to walk all the way home from CROWN b/c the stupid ass peterson bus stopped running and i didnt want to call my parents b/c i dunt want any favors from anyone right now...
im so tired...
n ive been thinking about how im gonna be so alone this summer and its crazy b/c this summer wasnt supposed to be like this... iono wat i was expecting but i feel so alone and i dunt really know why... it just feels like part of me is missing...
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[30 Jun 2004|07:46pm] |
like i said b4...
when i tell u that something is fine or that im fine it means im not really fine... it means that everything is fucked up and getting to me but i just dunt want to talk about it or that i want to avoid something...
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[30 Jun 2004|03:09pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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blink 182 stay together for the kids |
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stay together for the kids by blink 182
its hard to wake up when the shades have been pulled shut this house is haunted its so pathetic it makes no sense at all im ripe with things to say the words rot and falll away if a stupid poem could fix this home i'd read it everyday so heres ur holiday hope u enjoy it this time gave it all away it was mine so when ur dead and gone will u remember this night 20 years now lost its not right their anger hurts my ears been running strong for 7 years rather then fix the problem they never solved them it makes no sense at all i see them every day we get along so why cant they if this is wat he wants and its wat she wants then why is there so much pain so heres ur holiday hope u enjoy it this time gave it all away it was mine so when ur dead and gone will u remember this night 20 years now lost its not right
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[30 Jun 2004|01:46pm] |
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why do i even fuckin try??
i know i cant be fuckin perfect and i know nothing in my life can ever be good but yet stupid ass me keeps trying to fix it all and make everything go my way... why the fuck am i even trying anymore?? i know all i'll ever have is pain and anger and depression... why the fuck do i even bother!?!?
god all i fucking want is to be happy... all i want is one fucking day where everything goes my way and i get wat i fucking want... but no thats too fuckin much to ask...
wat the fuck!! am i that much of a horrable bad person so that i dunt fuckin deserve one day thats all perfectly planned out and fun and just perfect??
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[30 Jun 2004|01:29pm] |
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mood |
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numb |
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music |
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blink 182 stay together for the kids |
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my mom just saw my wrist and she fliped out...
she saw it and asked wat happened and i told her nothing im fine and shes like wtf lemme see and i didnt let her and finally she just came and took my hand and looked at it and shes like r u trying to kill urself? and i started laughing and told her no and she didnt believe me and she said do u know wat cutters are? if ur cutting urself u'll go to a mental hospital... and i couldnt think of any lies to tell her and i just kept saying it was nothing and she tryed to get me to tell her the truth but i wouldnt....
god i need to be waaay more careful rite now... ive gotten to the point where almost everyone around me knows about it so i dunt really have to hide it but since my family dunt know i cant let them find out
although a week ago i was acctually hoping someone would find out so i could go somewhere... but then again i was in a really vunerable state so i dunt know...
okayz so im outs im about to go see spiderman 2 YAAAAAY lol ive been waiting forever to see this movie...
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[30 Jun 2004|01:45am] |
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okay so i need to do something wit my life... NoOoOo im not talking about some big life changing shit im just saying i need something to do to keep myself busy GOD im so fucking bored i dunt know wat to do.... its like i have no damn life
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[29 Jun 2004|07:21pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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music |
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jojo- leave |
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my "true friends":
aina- she has never fucked me over or did anything to hurt me
alen- no matter how bad i fuck him over or he fucks me over hes always still here for me
luke- he mite have kept somethings from me but hes still a good guy
shanny- dats my gurl... she da best n im always gonna stick up for her
mikaiala- shes a sweetie n a sexii gurli n since we started chillin shes never fucked me over
umm i cant think of anyone else rite now but im gonna try to think of more...
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[28 Jun 2004|12:57am] |
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im so fuckin angry and its not just something about today... its all the shit ive bottled up inside for the last few days... its all the pain i feel thats just now escaping
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[26 Jun 2004|02:03pm] |
okay so ive forgiven alen and luke...
alen did fuck me over really badly and hurt me to the point where the pain will always be there but i guess i hurt him too so fuck it u know... i can deal with it...
and as for luke... iono i guess i just dunt want to be mad at him
i miss angelica so much...
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[26 Jun 2004|12:59am] |
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I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!
i hate da way u look at me like im da only one u see in a crowded room
i hate da way u hug me like u cant let go
i hate da way u kiss me and make me want u more then anything in the world
i hate da way u make me feel when u touch me
i hate da way u make me wanna do thingz i would never do without u
i hate da way i know deep down inside that i love u no matter how much u piss me off
i hate the way i dunt and never will hate u
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[24 Jun 2004|06:39pm] |
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everything happends for a reason... sometimes the reason doesnt have to be a good reason or even a nice reason... but still everything happends for a reason
earlier i called adisa and i said sorry for all the shit that happend between me n her... im not sure wat made me have this really nice mood but i just felt that i needed to tell her i didnt hate her just to make myself feel better... im not saying i want to be friends with her but i am saying i dunt want to be pissed off anymore...
i dunt have the fuckin strength to fight with anyone anymore
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[24 Jun 2004|04:34am] |
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out of everyone in the whole fuckin world...
LUKE...
how could u fuckin do that to me?!?!? HOW?? ur supposed to be one of the last few people who really care about me and one of the people who r there for me.. and wat do u do to me?? u fuckin sit there like everything is okay... while u know the fuckin truth!! how could u?? out of everyone... u hurt me the most... i didnt deserve that shit!! and u know it.... why... thats all i want to know... i would never do that to u...
im so fuckin alone... i dunt have any fuckin body anymore... everyone who i thought was there for me isnt... i cant believe out of all those fuckin people... there is no one left to fuckin be here for me... i just need to rewind time and go back to may 1 2004... i had my best friend in the whole fuckin world rite by me... i had so much fun... i had the stupidest problems...and my life was horrable.. but atleast i had more happiness back then....
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[24 Jun 2004|04:27am] |
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angry |
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music |
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hold on by good charlotte |
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i wish i were fuckin dead... all i want is to die right now... i think i deserve atleast that much... i should at least be able to fuckin end this horrable god awful life....
my head hurts so badly... mostly b/c ive been crying so much but maybe b/c earlier i hit it against the wall so fuckin hard i started crying... n ive been puking and my stomache feels like its just gonna disappear... i would give anything to just be a million miles away from here... everything just hurts so badly...
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| bored |
[23 Jun 2004|01:40pm] |
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mood |
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envious |
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music |
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bowling for soup... where to begin |
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i need to just be away from this place... god theres nothing keeping me here anymore... i dunt even get why i dunt run away...
wat sucks the most is that i dunt want to be alone and when i have the chances to have someone to chill with me i just dunt want those pplz... and if i do it just hurts even more to be so close to them but yet so far away... n the pplz i really want i cant have with me... it sucks so badly... why r things so complicated... why couldnt i have enjoyed it while i could...
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| i dont see the diffrence between candy and tylenol right now... |
[22 Jun 2004|04:46pm] |
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mood |
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suicidal |
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music |
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my immortal by evanescence |
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if tylenol makes the physical pain go away... why wont it make the mental pain go away?
the pain will go away... i promise... b/c i will make it go away... or i can always just run away from it... i can run to all the other things instead of this horrable repeating pain that takes place over and over again in my head
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[19 Jun 2004|11:20pm] |
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i havent updated in forever.... but i havent really had a chance b/c i havent been on the computer much...
okayz so my life is like whoooaaa.... everything is so crazy and i dont know wat to do anymore. im so glad skewl is out... the last day i have to go is tuesday and thats not gonna be 4 long... so yaaaay. im passing all my classes. even physics n algebra whooaa go cassie... hehehe
so yeah im going into total lil book worm type thing... which is great. right now im reading jane eyre by charlotte bronte. ms. baxter gave it to me. and suprisingly enough i like it lol
so yeah this last week has been really weird exciting heartbreaking and horrable
i found out something about someone... and wat hes doing now...
n all i have to say is if ur reading this::
plez stop... plez dont do this to me or ur family or to urself... now i know how u felt when i did it but its not the same... i wasnt going to do wat im afraid u will... plez im begging u!! i love you but i cant be with you and i cant just sit here and let u do this... god dammit if u knew wat this was doing to me inside you wouldnt... you dont even like it!!! for gods sake... just plez dont.. you have no idea wat is going thru my mind and this is ALL MY FAULT!! WTF DONT DO THIS TO ME...
okay now im crying so im gonna just go to bed...
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[10 Jun 2004|11:19pm] |
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mood |
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angry |
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music |
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i cant help myself by nobodys angels |
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hmmm a 3 day weekend ahead... wat should i do??
lets see::
i wanna go to the miniture golf place w/ the batting cages... so i can release some anger
i wanna think out things and get my life fixed... uhhh i think that might take more then just a 3 day weekend
i wanna find a job... lol
i wanna write a lotta poems and stories
i need to study for finals
and i wanna just take some time to relax all by myself
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[10 Jun 2004|09:42pm] |
okay here is everything that happend today::
alen went to skewl for the whole day for the first time in like forever and after 6th period he got into a fight with the LIL WHORE FROM HELL and he slapped her and she got made and started saying some shit about "DUNT GET UR GURLFRIENDS ASS BEAT" meaning that since she cant fight alen she gonna take her anger out on me then when security came and seperated them and then she comes at me like she wanna fight me so of course i got pissed and i went after her and she started saying shit to me so i said shit back and then security and alen and all these people had to hold us apart and then they sent us to 128 and the cops and security and everyone were talking all kinds of shit about me which pissed me off and then when the cops came to talk to me i started yelling and shit and then i got a 3 days suspention for "VERBALLY ASSULTING" that lil bitch and they didnt even fuckin suspend her or anything!! thats fuckin bull shit!! she tried to fuckin attack me and they gonna just let her go?? thats not fuckin right...
all i gotta say is shes gonna need to watch her back now... b/c im pissed off and im gonna get revenge no matter wat...
then the fuckin PIG is gonna sit there and show adisas mom my grades and shit and give her my address... which is a violation of the skewls privacy policy... the PIG even told adisas mom that she wasnt supposed to show her my shit... but watch tomorrow imma bring my grandma to the skewl and im gonna fuckin get her on that shit...
n today i learned who my real friends are
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| pissed off craziness |
[08 Jun 2004|11:22pm] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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music |
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some song my train |
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Im so pissed off. N ive been mad since yesterday. I cant help it. I try to be in a good mood but i just cant be happy. All i want to do is snap.
one day ur gonna see the pain u put everyone else through
one day ur gonna get hurt so bad
ur gonna hurt the same way u've made everyone else hurt
ur gonna regret so much stuff u've said and done
u'll even regret wat u didnt say n do
n when that day comes im gonna just stand there
and do to u wat u've done to me
im gonna treat u like u dunt mean anything
im gonna let u hurt and cry and wish to just die
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[07 Jun 2004|01:52am] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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music |
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the sound of aina and chanice talking on the phone |
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its gonna be one hell of a long night....
OmG im so tired n aina wont let me fuckin sleep. Shes so fuckin mean!! lol but i love her. N when i fall asleep in class tomorrow im gonna blame the whole thing on her. Im so sleepy.... ZzZzZzZzZzZ
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