| sadly enough... |
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| 07:24pm 09/02/2006 |
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mood:  gloomy
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.....your phone call brought me down. I left high school realtionships behind for a reason and I don't intend on going back. |
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Post |
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| ...hah ha.... |
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| 11:56pm 04/02/2006 |
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mood:  peaceful
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too much to say...doubt my fingers can keep up with what's playing in my head. I work, I go home, I have some fun in between but now it's time for me to create. I want to stay a float as long as possible, without the possibility of being brought back down. Strangely enough, I'm excited and I'm not sure why. I witnessed true love on the big screen and it made me feel warm. I happily trudged home in the snow storm. |
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| ..... |
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| 11:58pm 28/01/2006 |
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mood: Distracted music: some weird Euro-dance
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And what are you searching for these days? I'm not positive that I can answer that but I do know that I don't want this. (looking at pictures of you and her makes me feel complete and like one day I might have that, I read my tarot cards and they said "a chance meeting" I sit and twirl my thumbs patiently) I worked all day today and fucked up on the register. I walked around feeling stupid in my clothes. I got lost downtown last night and wound up walking in circles. Everything was quiet and still at the wee hour of 3am. My head was filled with sex and aggression and gross things. I tried to distract my mind but the thoughts followed me right into my sleep. I woke up sick with a half swollen face and an empty tummy. I think I had a nightmare. (I am jealous of her, her estate and quite distinguishable style. I'm still planning my leap from minimum wage to comfort and luxury. A part of me desires to be a princess in a cut off castle.).....Can barely type, seeing as how my fingers feel like lead and I have yet to satisfy this strange craving. (I suppose I've grown accustomed to receiving your calls.) Naturally I'll move on to something else. |
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| Ha ha this is me... |
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| 08:34pm 26/01/2006 |
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| On a rainy monday.... |
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| 12:01am 25/01/2006 |
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mood:  distressed
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I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I don't feel somewhat empty, because I do (You lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself.) Cuz I feel lost and desperate to stay snug in my dream world that involves long hours on a computer. But strangley enough I have hope, though it's hard for me to tell my real life from text or cartoon. I miss you. I do ,chicken lady, but I'm having a hard time typing because my brain's going through a time lapse. They cancelled my U-pass and I'm scared of travel. My mother's already putting up the burden act and I haven't seen my therapist in a bit. I am searching maybe for someone, for myself. Something that will not make me feel like I am spinning out of space, or like I have to justify every goddamn thing all the time. AND WHY AM I STILL LIVING HERE!!?? Why!!? And it's better to just stay dreaming because reality is my nightmare. |
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| Very distressed still... |
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| 06:19pm 23/01/2006 |
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mood: crappy
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with the feeling of not belonging here and the other feeling of impending lonliness. I don't feel my euphoria anymore. What was it I wanted? Ahh yes, freedom, a decent job and the life portayed on Boy Meets World. I want to not feel so lonely by myself. I guess that's what it comes down to, right? Me. Then why do I feel so afraid? I have to do it, break free and explore or I'll be miserable and kicking myself in the ass when I'm 80. How do I go from my life of minimum wage to a multi-million dollar empire? And why is it taking so long?
(I want you to do what you want, even if that means finding someone new. Maybe I'm not the one for you) I want some happines. |
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| ...uncomfortable.... |
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| 09:49pm 18/01/2006 |
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mood: distressed
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"I don't feel right here", I should have listened to those words she spoke last night, but instead I begged her to stay. And I am the one uncomfortable now. My stomach is empty and my head hurts, I have a tooth rotting out of my twisted mouth and I'm overwhelmed. I've just come to the realization that my quest for a home continues (one that is complete and honest) Nobody wants me here...do they? Perhaps I should have been more perceptive...god, I can be so ignorant. "I don't like Jesse..." these words ring in my head and the fact that I embarass my mother. (I didn't do it to be maliscious, it was an accident) I make everyone uncomfortable. Why is this house so qiuet!!!!?????? Why is no one talking!!!!??? I'm left here to talk to myself. I need hugs, a lot of them. And some friends and a new home. I want to get out of here, I can't stand this hightened feeling of claustophobia. I feel like some black sheep or somehing that everyone expects the worse from. I'll be celebate. I'll swear celebacy and cross my legs and throw my hands over them, I don't understand how all of this came to be....I have to get out of here. (But she makes me feel warm. ) I don't know what else to say....my sexuality is my business, I don't do anything innapropriate while she's here. We were just sleeping. Everyone's uncomfortable. |
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| Rogue! |
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| 10:00pm 15/01/2006 |
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mood:  amused
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You are Rogue!
You are sexy and strong willed, and able to take on
just about anyone. You long for a serious
relationship, but whenever you begin to get
close to someone things always seem to take
turns for the worse. But you have dealt with
this lack of closeness with an almost constant
flirtacious behavior.
Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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Post |
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| pissed |
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| 09:09pm 15/01/2006 |
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mood: crappy
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Pissed again. Pissed that I hadn't heard from her pretty much all day and when I do, it's a shoddy 2 minute call. Perfect timing, right? This whole day has been shot. I did however, manage to come to the realization that I cannot stay here, no matter how much the confines of my mother's house may seem safe, it's not where I ultimatley belong. I have no room here, no real privacy and my mother is till under the notion that I'm a twelve year old girl. I still think of that bastard sometimes and I think of ruin. I don't ,however, think that I'll be hearing from her anytime soon. ( I'm glad you're day was so restful, while over here, I was tearing out my hair wanting to see you) I need more than this. Much more and the idea of picking up and taking off is sounding better and better. (Let's see how you'd like it, hours and hours of not hearing from me, maybe days and when you do, I'll be someone completly new.) I'd bet that'd bother you. |
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| .... |
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| 06:46pm 10/01/2006 |
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mood:  annoyed
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6:45, nearly 7. And still no returned phone call from Jesse. |
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| ...... |
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| 12:25am 10/01/2006 |
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mood: pissed off
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And thus...you have left my house again and left me in a rage, though I cannot distinctly say what it is that you did that set me off so. Maybe you were right about things, too right and now I am upset with myself. And now I will travel back to that house by myself. Too mordified to speak. (I don't know if thats.....) Yes, yes, I know I am dramatic. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those kids who are all fun and games. I rushed home for some privacy, quickly grabbed my coat and bolted toward the studio door, only to be ambushed by the cold. Nothing compared to what just went on. Perhaps you're beter off without me. |
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Post |
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| I.... |
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| 12:19pm 08/01/2006 |
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mood:  blank
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...can't wait for this weather to break. I walk down the street and have trouble breathing... |
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Post |
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| She |
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| 12:06pm 08/01/2006 |
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mood: discontent
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She sits up straight and fingers her dirty hair. She makes a face at it's greasy feel and wipes her hand on her skirt. She feels dirty. She hunches in her single mattress as she lights a cigarette and thinks.
"Fucking Bastard" she mutters under her breath and chuckles that she feels wickedly split. She's supprised that she has made it out alive and with all of her long hair still intact. "I still have my journals", she thinks, "And my cigarettes." Slowly she takes a long drag and watches as grey steam escapes her mouth. She's been going back and forth for days and is tired of it. She doesn't feel like there is any magick anymore. She huffs and puts out her nearly burned filter and touches her face. Last night she dreamt a man kissed her and then her face started melting. She watched it make a puddle on the floor.
Tired....all of a sudden, though she's just woken up she decides to have another round of sleeping. "Dirty girl, Dirty girl", she mutters to herslef as she pulls the blankets over her head and roughly rolls over. |
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Post |
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| Bored :( |
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| 02:50pm 06/01/2006 |
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mood: Tension Headache music: nothing.....
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I had a ream about Daniel last night, and I kept drinking this very sweet wine. I woke up thinking I would see him for some reason. I guess it's been a while. Things seem dead in this house or maybe the fact that I've been here for so long is finally taking a tole on me. I miss Amber. And I have one hell of a story to tell her about my winter vacation. For some reason, I keep wishing that I was alone. |
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Post |
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| Reallllly loooooong...... |
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| 04:57am 05/01/2006 |
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mood:  sleepy music: Les Jours Tristes by Yann Tiersen
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A lot has happened, much that I don't particulalrly care to recap. I miss my Tarot cards and I'm scared of going back to somewhere that's supposed to qualify as my home. I guess it's not really a home if I'm tresspassing, is it? I haven't been to a therapy session in a while, infact I was supposed to go today but didn't. My therapist is funny and warm, though there's still something peculiar about him. (Last night as I packed, you threatened to call the police on me.) A part of me wishes that you did so I wouldn't have to go back. (You're the emotionally abusive mother I never had.) Poor me and Jesse. I need a release, a new one. Maybe books and stories will help me escape, because I crave something magical. An adventure that doesn't end with the police and a bitter boy with a cell phone. An adventure that ends with two girls, decorating their magical house with flowers in glass bottles. |
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| no real subject matter... |
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| 08:41pm 30/08/2005 |
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mood: ambivalent music: L'echec by Yann Tiersen
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I had a dream that hurricane Katrina came for us and when I awoke I saw a tortured lady laying on my mattress. I think this house has ghosts. |
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Post |
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| ... |
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| 11:04am 10/05/2005 |
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mood: irritated
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I feel like snow white after she has bitten into the apple.....
something is rotting away in my stomach and all I can do is watch. |
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Post |
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| a head and neckache |
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| 11:17am 19/04/2005 |
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I do not want to be here right now, I am stuck to this chair. It is such a beautiful day outside but I am spending it within the confines of a local prison. Blah. I cannot wait to get out. Yesterday I couldn't handle the idea of spending the whole day in this building so I called my girlfriend and said "come get me" I didn't stay passed secound period. We spent the day strolling around chinatown like two tourist and for once no one stared at the two girls holding hands. After we ate, we lounged around her house and I let loose and cried, eventually I fell asleep to the spice girls and woke up with a tummy ache. It was a nice day, hot but nice. I cried when I had to go back home. |
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Post |
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| random... |
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| 01:47pm 21/03/2005 |
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mood: annoyed music: district sleeps alone tonight byThe Postal Service
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I am so fed up with myspace and such. I feel like it is an excuse to be pretentious and boastful. I'm sick of seeing pics of people with hair in their face, it's like everyone's the same. |
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