Jamie Elizabeth's Journal

Monday, December 15, 2003

10:10PM - WELL I'M DOING DANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear if I didnt have nieces and nephews I wouldnt be living right now. my life is nothing but shit, it will always be shit too. I want to go with danny more than life itself, I love him and my mom and everyone else has the idea that I am too young to fall in love... well let me ask you something, Who says you have to be at a certain age to fall in love??? I don't see it written down anywhere that you have to be so and so age. I am in love and I have been for a long time now. Along with my lonely love that I admire by myself I have exams, yep, they are hard as hell and I don't think I am ready to take them.. Quite frankly, I think I'm going to fail them, big time, and that will just bring my grade down. I am also dealing with my friend lauren's mom and her mom's boyfriend. Lauren told me that her mom went back and told her boyfriend travis that I was disrespecting her, which I wasn't, and he said that If I ever do that to him, her, or her mom that he will come over here and straighten me out... Now doesn't that sound like a threat??? straighten me out....... yes I think it is... well I'll tell you one thing I am not going to take his shit any longer. All the stupid cock sucker knows how to do is hit lauren and they are always keeping her inside of the house. They yell at her, she gets in trouble for even buying a necklace from hot topic.. that is stupid as hell, her parents need to seek help on how to raise children because that is not how you treat them. There are so many thing this week that are stressing me out to where I am going blank on everything I study.. I am so scared that I fail the exams and my grades go down even more.. That is a fear right now that I am trying to deal with but I cant do it with all this other shit in my mind. WHY dont I just die then I have no exams and no parents hating on me because of fucked up reasons and I wouldnt have to worry all the time about love and life... I just really want to die, life is not important to me anymore and I wish so badly that I was liked by more people.... and to add to it lauren's mom's boyfriend was asking lauren if I was having sex... how fucking stupid is he, That is my personal business that he just questioned and really its none of that motherfuckers business and I feel really humilated that a grown up would think that I am having sex at such a young age, knowing Im not ready for that commitement... I dont even want the thought of him thinking I am having sex, who is it for him to say I can or cant anyways.. hes not my father thank god for that.. he's a stupid low life that apparently doesnt know how to raise kids. and I am 15 and I know thats not a way to treat a kid, its cruel and unususal punishment everyday for lauren... she doesnt even want to go to her own home. thats bad if you ask me cause he is the one living with them, its not his house and he doesn pay the bills... If I were lauren I would knock the shit out of him and I know its an adult but he would deserve every bit of it and I wish I had the guts to speak my mind to him but I know his cry baby ass will tell my mom and I'll get into trouble and thats just what he wants. I'll tell you, I told my dad about all this and told my dad that my mom wouldnt do anything about it, and he said if he travis keeps up then he'll come here from georgia and he will straighten travis out. I love my dad for that, my mom is just a bitch and she didnt say anything when I told er, she is basically on his side. O well his day will come................

Current mood: angry
Current music: WHO GIVES A FUCK!!!!!!!!!!
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10:10PM - WELL I'M DOING DANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear if I didnt have nieces and nephews I wouldnt be living right now. my life is nothing but shit, it will always be shit too. I want to go with danny more than life itself, I love him and my mom and everyone else has the idea that I am too young to fall in love... well let me ask you something, Who says you have to be at a certain age to fall in love??? I don't see it written down anywhere that you have to be so and so age. I am in love and I have been for a long time now. Along with my lonely love that I admire by myself I have exams, yep, they are hard as hell and I don't think I am ready to take them.. Quite frankly, I think I'm going to fail them, big time, and that will just bring my grade down. I am also dealing with my friend lauren's mom and her mom's boyfriend. Lauren told me that her mom went back and told her boyfriend travis that I was disrespecting her, which I wasn't, and he said that If I ever do that to him, her, or her mom that he will come over here and straighten me out... Now doesn't that sound like a threat??? straighten me out....... yes I think it is... well I'll tell you one thing I am not going to take his shit any longer. All the stupid cock sucker knows how to do is hit lauren and they are always keeping her inside of the house. They yell at her, she gets in trouble for even buying a necklace from hot topic.. that is stupid as hell, her parents need to seek help on how to raise children because that is not how you treat them. There are so many thing this week that are stressing me out to where I am going blank on everything I study.. I am so scared that I fail the exams and my grades go down even more.. That is a fear right now that I am trying to deal with but I cant do it with all this other shit in my mind. WHY dont I just die then I have no exams and no parents hating on me because of fucked up reasons and I wouldnt have to worry all the time about love and life... I just really want to die, life is not important to me anymore and I wish so badly that I was liked by more people.... and to add to it lauren's mom's boyfriend was asking lauren if I was having sex... how fucking stupid is he, That is my personal business that he just questioned and really its none of that motherfuckers business and I feel really humilated that a grown up would think that I am having sex at such a young age, knowing Im not ready for that commitement... I dont even want the thought of him thinking I am having sex, who is it for him to say I can or cant anyways.. hes not my father thank god for that.. he's a stupid low life that apparently doesnt know how to raise kids. and I am 15 and I know thats not a way to treat a kid, its cruel and unususal punishment everyday for lauren... she doesnt even want to go to her own home. thats bad if you ask me cause he is the one living with them, its not his house and he doesn pay the bills... If I were lauren I would knock the shit out of him and I know its an adult but he would deserve every bit of it and I wish I had the guts to speak my mind to him but I know his cry baby ass will tell my mom and I'll get into trouble and thats just what he wants. I'll tell you, I told my dad about all this and told my dad that my mom wouldnt do anything about it, and he said if he travis keeps up then he'll come here from georgia and he will straighten travis out. I love my dad for that, my mom is just a bitch and she didnt say anything when I told er, she is basically on his side. O well his day will come................

Current mood: angry
Current music: WHO GIVES A FUCK!!!!!!!!!!
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Saturday, December 13, 2003

12:10AM - I LOVE REECE!!!

I can't help it. I love two guys in my life, danny and reece. Its hard to choose which one I love the most but I know I will never be able to choose. At the moment reece has been there for me but danny really hasnt. I hope to see reece alot more as I get older in person. I want him to come and live with me but Its impossible. We would have so much fun together. I can't live without him and I don't understand why and the hell all those girls did him wrong. I wouldn't even think about it, he's too caring, sweet, funny, honest, and hot as hell. I would fuckin kill those bitches who hurt him if I knew who their names and where they lived. I promise to that. I love him, he has just made my bad days better than they usually are. I hope he feels the same way cause I really dont want to get hurt again. Its so damn pathetic on the number of times I am dumped or cheated on. anyways Im tired and I dont feel good...... goodnight all........ love you reece

Current mood: loved
Current music: simple plan-- " I'd do anything" TO REECE MY BABY
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Wednesday, December 10, 2003

11:01PM - This is some stuff about me....

Full Name: Jamie Elizabeth Bonk
Birthdate: October 1st 1988
Birthplace:Royal Oak, Michigan
Hair color: Blonde(but won't be for long)
eye color: green
favorite movie:" The nightmare before Christmas" or " The Crow"
favorite store: Hot topic
favorite Drink: Mountain Dew
favorite Band: Dope
favorite Past Time: When me and danny were the bestest friends on the bus..... :(
favorite animal: Cat
Do you have any animals? Yes, I have a cat named Junior, and my mom has a dog named smokey
Do you have siblings? yes I have two brothers and two sisters
Do you have any nieces or nephews? yes I have four nieces and two nephews
favorite things to do: Sleep, write poetry and stories, Try and practice guitar, watch Tv, read books, chat with friends, hang out with danny, go to movies and mall, Go shopping, talk on phone...
Blood Type: positive A
Cd that was bought recently: limp bizkit "results may vary"
favorite foods: chinese, any kind of cooked potatoes, pizza, almost any kind of soup, dad's cooking, mom's cooking, pickles with either salt-garlic-or cheese, olives, and melted ham cheese sandwich.
favorite perfume: Love spell
favorite color: black( which isnt a color its a shade) and red
favorite subject: History
best friends: Lori, lauren, ashley hale, ashley slaughter, danny, kenneth, alonzo, joseph, la sean, chris,
favorite song: snap from slipknot
favorite books: looking for home, the witch of blackbird pond, summer of my german soldier, dicey's song,
tattoos: none yet
peircings: two in each ear and im not through getting percings
drink: occasionally
drugs: HELL NO
cigarettes: HELL NO
favorite skateboarder: bam margera
favorite nascar driver: dale jr.
favortie holiday: Halloween
fears: losing danny forever, "the ring" movie, being out on my own, having a parent die or a friend,
likes: danny, reece, walking, sleeping, other scary movies, haunted houses, blood,
favorite tv shows: anything on fuse, 7th heaven, disney channel, mtv,
dislikes: PREPS, rich people, school, cheaters and liers, wiggers, back stabbers, life, RAP, God and Jesus, church except the church of satan,
favorite vacation spot: Michigan at my brothers house
Have you ever been on a plane? yes twice I think
Are you a virgin? yes,and I plan on staying one until I fall in love with someone that will love me back
favorite day of week: Monday, cause I feel energetic from the weekend
favorite wrestler: The Rock
The first person I fell in love with: Danny
About how many people have you gone out with total: Over 15 people that I knwo of
How many Kids do I want: right now none, but if so maybe two one day
Who do you want to marry? Danny or reece possibly
The person that treated you as sweet as can be: Danny

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9:57PM - ........ MY life may be a waste of time as we speak...

Why should people like me live?? I am nothing to the world, I am not good at anything and I dont make a difference. I am a complete dumbass and Danny, cory, and others would agree with me. I can't sleep, I barely eat, and I can't concentrate at school. I just dont know what to do anymore, I used to think my life made sense but now I have lost danny and my friends in lewisburg. It hurts to know that the ones I tried to be helpful to don't care about me anymore. Why is it me, why do I have to have a shity life? I didnt do anything wrong like most people have. I made some mistakes in the past but who hasnt? I have changed alot and I really want to be with danny. I need him to be serious about the two of us. I LOVE HIM SOOOOOO MUCH.... I dont know what to do. I am lost and I dont know what Im supposed to do to get danny back in my life. :(

Current mood: lonely
Current music: avril lavigne-- " unwanted"
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Monday, December 8, 2003

8:51PM - I feel like cutting my wrists!!!!!

I have a thing called depression. I have it so bad that I don't even feel like living anymore. It hurts, and man does it. No pain could be as bad and hurtful as the pain called love. I went through alot of guys when I was alittle younger and There was this particular dude named danny. I wasn't interested in him alot and I chose his friend cory instead but the thing is that I thought I loved cory. I don't think I did because cory had hurt me and yes it hurt but It wasnt like the pain danny put me through, Danny's feels like my heart was taken out and tortured. Cory's was like someone punched me and It was hard to get over. Nothing has happened recently though, I tried tellin danny how I felt and of course it doesnt matter to him. I am struggling in school because of this stupid shit and I'm tired of it. I am always tired and exhausted and I dont even do anything but cry or sleep. If I could have one wish, I would wish for me and danny to one day get married and have children and have the best life ever. No one would fight and we would be a loving and caring close family. We would laugh together and talk through hard times. Thats a wish I would only want. Maybe Im just not good enough, I have been told that but I didn't want to believe it... Now I am starting to believe everything danny has said I am.

Current mood: depressed
Current music: Dope-- " die motherfucker die"
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Saturday, December 6, 2003

2:49PM - What a boring Saturday.... O well Life can't always be fun..

Well I think I have had an alright day so far, I woke up about 20 minutes ago and I had a nice dream( which I won't discuss). I am fixing to go and get ready for the day because my friend ashley hale might be going over to my other friend lauren's house and we might hang out. Its a good chance we will even go to the mall and hang out, maybe go in hot topic and browse. Hell we will be looking at guys alot too :)..... anyways, I don't think I'll be seeing danny any time soon, until the next time my dad comes up..... Its pretty pathetic that the only one that doesn't give a shit If I go to see him is my dad, and usually the dad is the one who is unsure about it... My dad likes danny and he respects him dearly for what I have told him what danny has done for me throughout the years. I am glad about that, my mom doesn't have a problem with danny anymore, she just won't let me hang out with him alone, thats all she is not wanting. The only one who isn't lazy and doesn't have an attitude when I ask him to drive me to see danny is my dad also. I would live with my dad if he lived in TN but if I go to georgia whats the point of seeing my friends anymore... It would be like every couple of months that I could come back to visit, and by that time everyone would forget about me, and I don't like georgia. I was home sick when I lived there before, cause I have lived in Tn since I was like 3 or 4 years old and I am now 15. When I was down there I didn't fit in with the people, I couldn't eat, I cried alot, the schoolwork was a whole lot different from what I am used to, and my dad sent me home cause he didn't like seeing me like that. Well Im gonna go get ready and I might write later but we'll have to see..... peace p.s. I love danny 4-ever and always

Current mood: mellow
Current music: Korn-- "Blind"
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Friday, December 5, 2003

3:12PM - This was one of the best Friday afternoons ever!!!

Well of course school was stupid and boring. There wasn't much action going on at school either, but on the bus was where the fun and messy stuff happened. well I had brought some snacks to school for one of the sudent teachers going away party. I had some left overs and I of course brought them home. On the way down the road everyone was asking for a cookie so I gave them to people I knew and liked. well I also had two things of Dr.pepper with me. I threw one in the middle and a couple of guys charged for it and fell all over each other. One guy named joseph had his nuts grabbed because I threw it near him and la sean didn't mean to but he was the one who grabbed joseph. La sean had gottne the drink and joseph looked all helpless and he was thirsty so I let him only get a drink of the other bottle I had. While he was opening it he wasnt paying any attention and actually no one was, it squirted everywhere, I never seen a drink fuse that high before. Joseph's pants and jacket were wet and the floor was also. everyone stood up on the bus to see what happened and some other people had gotten wet. well after that everyone was laughing hard, I about cried and so did my friend lauren. There had been some still in the bottle and la sean drank the rest of it, he and alec and chris all jugged it. Alec had his own and so did chris and la sean. La sean drank so much and ate too many cookies that he felt like he was going to throw up and he had to piss.It was crazy as hell and anyone who would have been there would have pissed themselves like I almost did.LMAO

Current mood: giggly
Current music: Mudvayne-- "Silenced"
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3:12PM - I love danny!!!!!!

I LOVE DANNY....... I LOVE DANNY....... I LOVE DANNY..... I LOVE DANNY..... I LOVE DANNY... I LOVE DANNY.... I LOVE DANNY... I LOVE DANNY.... I LOVE DANNY... I LOVE DANNY.... I LOVE DANNY.. I LOVE DANNY.... I LOVE DANNY... I LOVE DANNY.... I LOVE DANNY.... I LOVE DANNY....... I LOVE DANNY..... I LOVE DANNY...... I LOVE DANNY...... I LOVE DANNY...... I LOVE DANNY..... I LOVE DANNY..... I LOVE DANNY.... I LOVE DANNY... I LOVE DANNY.....

Current mood: hopeful
Current music: 3 Doors Down-- " here without you"
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Thursday, December 4, 2003

7:55PM - I want to Fuckin Die!!!!!!

I swear I think my life is a piece of shit. Let me tell you all about it... here we go.....My ex-friend ashley slaughter that I have known for about 4 or 5 years now is a back stabbing little two faced bitch who thinks everyone likes her. She lied to me about alot of things and has kept things from me. It was her fault why me and danny always broke up, she would change me when I hung out with her and I would act like a bitch towards him or she would put things in my head about him and made me think less of him. She has spread rumors about me and my family and friends. That girl has the biggest fuckin mouth ever, she can't keep a secret no matter what, even if its a really serious topic. She is a jesus loving little prep who needs to die. Another fucked up thing about my life is that I wish my parents were still together cause I live with my mom and she is never around, she is always at work. She doesn't have any time to spend with me and to tell you the truth she never even wanted to have me. My father made her have me and I am nothing, I am not talented, I dont have a clue on what I want to be when I grown up and I am failing with bad grades. I am going through depression and I'm not good enough for anyone. Danny had cheated on me with this girl named sara and it hurt me more than knowing I am an unwanted child. I didn't know what to do when I found out... I cried alot and couldn't sleep and I barely ate anything. My brothers live in michigan along with the rest of my family and they never call me alot to even say hi. My mom tries to turn me into something that I'm not, I want to be goth and she wants me to be her sweet little Jamie like I used to be. well I have changed and I am not gonna let her to this to me. I have had people tell me that I wasn't nothing compared to the person that they loved. That I couldnt ever be as good as the one they cared about. It hurts to know that my soul is a waste of energy and time. No one loves me and I can't be with danny because of the distance between us. Alonzo is out of my life and it hurts cause he made me love myself and he would always make my tears go away. Cory is doing god knows what, I never even talk to him anymore which he wouldnt want to anyways from what I hear. I cant go to rocket town this weekend because my mom says I will be unsupervised, I cant go to the mall by myself or the movies. My dad would let me if I lived with him but I dont want to leave my friends and go to georgia. I am so damaged by my x-boyfriends that I am afraid of falling in love again. well thats not half of what I have lived by but its just a book full of stories and I dont have time to explain all the shit I have been through.

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3:11PM - A tired rainy boring day!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was very boring like any other day. Did some work at school, the usual. I have two tests to study for by tomorrow and I really am feeling lazy and don't want to. I am rather happy that I have no other homework to do and thats amazing because we usually get a ton load. This weekend I am wanting to go to danny's friend shanes concert at rocket town. It sounds like alot of fun but I don't know if it will work out. I don't have a ride and my mom really has a problem with me riding in other peoples cars that are teenagers. My dad would be perfectly fine with it but he's in georgia so that sucks. I want to see danny so bad, I love to be around him. If going to rocket town doesn't work out then I will go to lewisburg most likely and maybe go christmas shopping with my sisters....well I think thats about it

Current mood: lazy
Current music: linkin park-- "Don't Stay"
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Wednesday, December 3, 2003

10:34PM - Life Sucks!!!!!!!

I don't know whats worse, Living or Dying. I would think that living is probably worse because this world is a lump of crap. Everyone hates each other and no one takes life seriously. Our world has too many wars and too much of hate. If I could choose I would want to die, at least then I wouldn't have to go through depression because my ex-boyfriend danny doesn't want to make our relationship work. He is too busy thinking about sara, which I hate her and I wish she would just have never showed up in his life. He was my first love and my first real guy friend. He has always been there for me and helped me if I needed it. He once told me that If he could be anything in the world he would be the tears that ran down my face and died on my lips. I thought that was the sweetest thing ever. There is only one other reason why he doesn't want to be with me, that is because I live in Franklin and he lives in lewisburg, which I might add isn't too far away. I would move back there if I could but I think if I do then I will be ruining my life. especially if we do get back together but then he finds someone else, then what am I supposed to do. anyways, I guess I am feeling sorry for myself.

Current mood: depressed
Current music: simple plan--" I'd do anything"
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