08:26pm 27/04/2003
  I hate men. They're such damn confusing shits. Even though I know it's always my fault. I'm the one who always starts these situations. I'm the one who makes myself nothing more than a sex object, if even that much. It's strange how experiences can influence you. *sigh* I'd really just like to have a stable relationship. I know that sounds corny and old as hell but it's true. I'm tired of always playing a role and I'm sick of opening myself up to someone and having them hate me for it. Either way I can't win.
The story behind all of this is a guy.... I got this little crush on a 23 year old. Now, normally that wouldn't mean anything but he has a girlfriend that he's been with for 3 years. When the whole thing started, I didn't know their relationship was serious. I was willing to look past it. Of course, nothing ever happened between us though we were both (and still are, ...I think...) on a mutual understanding of wanting to sleep with one another. Flirting was an obvious thing and friends teased a couple times about us getting a little sex thing going in a few years. At first, I was just attracted to him but now I can feel myself falling for him and the ground is already too far from my feet for me to stop. I hate the human heart and emotions. I hate the way that I always choose the worst time to get emotions for someone. Only now do I learn how much his girlfriend really means to him and unwilling he is to give her up. And here I am in (mostly) silent envy of the girl who shares his bed and his heart. I hate myself for being so stupid.

"Uncertain, often unaware, we stumble and fall through life. We try so hard to climb out of our holes..... find others... but the truth of life and death is this. our journey is the destination. Everything is simply the climb and fall and in the end we will all die alone in the dark and so shall we be reborn from it. Everything between is just a dream. A delusion to continue our destination- our journey."

Almartha dethynyn an simil Yni ashvarta
"May the wind guide your wings to fly free again"