the vagabond princess' Journal

4:48PM

hey guys!

yes i know it has been a while since i have posted, and well, thats because i am in peru! yeah you may think woooowwww how cooooooooollll!!!!!!

well no. it's actually quite boring. *pulls out her hair* ARGGGG! well its really because everyone here is busy with exams even tho theyll be finishing this week i know it wont be so great a stay. why do you say that? you ask. well my friends, its very simple.

people who i thought could be my friends really arent! they are my ex boyfriend's friends and will take his side every time. with good reason! they were his friends first! so its all good, i retreat, but with honor :) anyway i knew they never were or could be my friends no matter what people told me. they still have that highschool 'gotta side with my other more well known friend even tho he's wrong' kinda mentality. so yes, so all of you know, i am leaving peru earlier than expected, and very soon! but.. i get to go to cancun! ooooh yeaaaahhhh.. sunny days, warm sand, kickass beaches... not to mention the hotties! lol

so anyway i have been informed that gonzalo is still mad at me because of this 'diary' thing. well i have the right to post all my thoughts as long as i dont go too far right? i havent mentioned anything extremely embarrassing, SO STOP WHINING!

and i know gonzalo still looks at this, because otherwise he wouldnt be angry. so what i have to say to you, gonzalo, is, STOP READING MY FRIGGIN JOURNAL THEN!

i know why he still reads it. and its because he isnt over being pissed off at me. but he wont get over his anger if he keeps reading my shit. so delete my page and get on with your own life if you hate me so much!

i really had no problem with him before, but now... if he can be so childish (and, folks, it really is childish and immature too!) to be angry at me over one fuck up (and why the hell was he reading my journal with all his friends anyway??? hmm????) then hell, he deserves all he got. he will learn the hard way - even tho i wish it werent so, he'll learn.

goes to show what 'love' really is, doesnt it? hah, you love me? prove it. i'm sick of being the first to try to patch things up. obviously you dont care enough. or youre scared.

why am i saying this here he is probably wondering - well, thats simple too. i'll never get to speak to him and then many things will be left unsaid. supposedly he isnt very fond of me. but he's gotta know, one way or another. and since he keeps snooping... and he probably hasnt realised he is still trying to selfishly keep me in his life by reading all my shit, i have a right to tell him here. right, gonza? he wont even answer my email.. a simple mail asking if he was all right because i was worried. hah, he probably deleted it. love you too!


*blows kisses and gives you all the bird*

later! :)

8:41PM

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

im so bored i would even find humor to watch myself bleed! peru sucks. especially when everyone is in exams! finish already!

poo on you!

10:35PM - republican retreat

ehhhh.. it was fun.. met senators, assemblymembers... etc etc.

got drunk with the high rollers - oh yeah.

more on that later - i didn't get very much sleep. gonna crash.

kisses my darlings.

11:11PM

i'm so stoked!

i'm looking for internships, i'm excited, very excited. some even offer compensations. keen!

i finally finally discovered my major: mass communications! AND a minor in linguistics - that always comes in handy when you want to travel :)

8:09AM - w00t! i made a fanpage!

in case anyone cares :P

no one agrees with me, but i think richard wilson is a hottie! not to mention talented! anyway - he is living proof that i can get over major obstacles and take on new goals :) you all must think i'm crazy, but i don't care. :)

The Richard Wilson Fansite

1:28AM - I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dude....

i'm finally over him! i'm finally over gonz!!! a couple of days ago milagros asked me about him and i didn't feel like retreating to my little hole to cry about him. nope i didn't! i could care less about it! i mean like.. i think of him, and i feel... NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so stoked. (i owe some of this to richard wilson! i love you richard!)

God, if you hear me, I LOVE YOU.

*does a little dance*

2:10AM - heh heh.. hunam.

You are 27% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

1:36AM - SUPERMODEL!

nope, i'm not one.

but you know, i'm sick of looking in the mirror and instead of seeing a shapely hourglass, i see a 3 o'clock shadow.

so i have taken an oath to lose at least 20 pounds. i've lost... 5 already. progress! healthy diet, exercise. everyday!! i hope i can do it.

i hate society. it makes me feel ugly.

9:11PM

http://www.karma-kazi.com


GO THERE NOW!@#$&^@

3:55AM

RANDOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

i want to go to australia and marry richard wilson.

i'd love to leave america and find a new life with new people

i want to develop an accent - anything but fucking american accent

BEAVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

toasty.

*runs away screaming*

i'm crazy because i'm insane because i'm tired because i'm awake because i have nothing better to do because i have no life because my friends have no life because i have no friends because i'm sick of love

12:44AM - *busts out the alcohol*

finally.. finals almost finished. just got two more to go. ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh... i should be studying.

1:59AM - errrrrrrrrrrrr

well yeah i haven't updated in a while. it's just that i really don't have anything to say. life is... well, life. it goes on, it hurts, it sucks, it's unfair - i could go on. however it seems pointless to do so doesn't it? yes, it does.

belly dancing goes well - damn i'm a good self-teacher. soon i'll be signing up for lessons though. that way i can get the full experience from a veteran dancer.. or something.

i'll be heading to peru early june.. about two weeks from now. i'm really excited (no, really, i am). i hope to see my old friends and make some new ones insh'Allah.

you know, life seems to take some interesting turns. and it's for the better.. takes a longass time to realize it tho. you think it all goes to hell (whatever "it" may be to you) and you find yourself stronger, more confident, goal-oriented, and maybe even more outgoing. is it because you've become bitter and decide to rely on no one but yourself? or is it really because you've evolved emotionally? who knows - all i know is.. fuck, i love to dance. no matter where i am, what time it is. everyday from school i come home and find myself in the kitchen either doing the dishes or cooking. all the while dancing. i say that's a good feeling.

you may be confused about "mimi's journal". well, here's what i have discovered, and it applies to most people - not all. my name, mary, means bitter. and it is said that one takes on the meaning of their name. and i can say that i was extremely bitter... yeah extremely. i am still, somewhat, but isn't everyone? nothing is ever encased in perfection anyway - especially human beings. heh. well yeah so i've adopted a new nickname. no i haven't changed my name. i just have a different nickname for my friends to address me by. it's mimi, and the meaning is by far the best i've found. it means faithful guardian, and i can truly say i posess that "quality." since my whole name is mary lou michelle, 2 m's, i figure this mimi is suitable.

well i guess SOME things HAVE been happening - so maybe i do have something to talk about.

i find myself desperately looking to fill that gap with.. you-know-who. it's utterly ridiculous, i look at every passing man, even the guy in the next lane as i'm driving. it's become quite a hazard. worrying about how i look and the such, who cares... i never cared about that stuff. and i've had no success with this "looking", but it's not like i seek that success anyway, i think.

i wrote him today, first time in a long time. i don't call him because i lost his number - all for the best. insh'Allah it happened. well i was genuinely worried what with this stupid lawyer shit. damn capitalism and its need for theivery - OF COLLEGE STUDENTS! anyway i shouldn't get so worked up - not like he cares if i care or not.

i can say i don't think of him as much anymore. and if i do, i am no longer weakened. weakness is evil, dontcha know. no, i'm no longer weak. and as much as my instincts are telling me not to even make it known to anyone - not even to admit it to myself, i still love him. and maybe he should know that. we only live for so long and who knows when i will die, or anyone else i care about for that matter? even if it isn't mutual at least they knew. ah hell i think it's normal, after all he was my first and only love, right? whatever. i've been doing that a lot lately. telling people i love them. i think it's fine as long as i don't leave that door opened so i can get hurt. i left that door open for laurie way too fuckin long. now, she can no longer penetrate me with sadness. just the occassional piss off feeling. and hey it's all good she makes a good verbal punching bag. it's all for her motivation though - she lives in a farce and takes everything for granted. you know, it's really sad when you let yourself get hurt over and over but can still forgive over and over - no matter what. it's a family curse. god i'm a sap..not to be boastful or anything but i let this happen to me. bleh! anyway! . . .

well i suppose i'll end this on a good note:

"open the eyes of my heart, Lord, open the eyes of my heart. i want to see you."

if you need love so much, why not ask God? after all, he makes it possible within a person to love.

you may wonder, why the hell mary is talking so much about God now. well screw you. no just kidding. well let me explain it to you. i've lost everything, i went down to the very rock bottom of my current life. i lost love, i lost faith in people, and i lost all sense of self. i attempted suicide for real, and let me tell you it's not an easy obstacle to get past in the aftermath. you feel really stupid when you fail.

so why even look to people when they are the slayers of your spirit in the first place? my personal spirit slayers - my parents, laurie, gonzalo... and yet i still love them.

why? because forgiveness is one thing i've always had a mighty abundance of. now, i'm not trying to be boastful about it. i have God to thank.

thanks to God i met janet, friendly, sweet, concientious and a very devoted woman to God. and though we have different views on some things, she has helped me find my path back to God - one i lost 3 years ago. i think that's a success. no, i KNOW that's a success. God is the reason we're all here, why my parents had me, why i went to peru, why i met and lost gonz, everything.

if i can't get love from people - i get it from the Lord. he's supposed to come 1st because then you develop idols. and i had my share of them - i was completely blind.

my prayers as of late consist of gratefulness and help, for me, and for my loved ones, whatever endeavor they take on. i need love more than everything now. cause when i don't feel loved, i don't want to live. i don't ever want to feel that way again.

"what the world needs now is love, sweet love."

~*mimi*~

12:36AM - knock yourself out

"What's in YOUR name?"

First Name:
Male Female


Please use standard keyboard characters and hyphens instead of spaces.

Report a problem. | Learn how to install this code on your site.

9:33PM - Enneagram test

2:37AM - new poem..

stupid kid

stupid, stupid kid.
you can't play
can't play dodgeball
can't play kickball
can't play hockey
you can't play
can't play anything

stupid, stupid kid.
you get bad grades
you got an F in math
you got a C in science!
you're stupid, kid
are you happy now?

stupid stupid kid.
what the heck is this?
what is this box
this box you gave me?
a present? stupid.
i can't tell what it is!

stupid, stupid kid.
you interrupted me
can't you see?
see that i'm talking?
stupid kid, you interrupted
to give me roses
stupid kid, go away

stupid, stupid kid.
your family laughs
they laugh at you
look, stupid kid
they're making fun
laughing at you.

stupid, stupid kid.
even your parents laugh
your parents hate you
hate you cause you're weird
you're weird, not normal
even they hate you
stupid, weird kid.

stupid, stupid kid.
you can see it can't you?
you're a stupid kid.
your peers hate you
cause you suck
you suck at sports
your teachers hate you
you get bad grades
even though you're special
even though you do learn
learn the most from all
even though you're unique
even though your mind
is an open mind
even though you're curious
curious to learn
but you're weird
you're stupid
and you get bad grades
so you see, you suck
you're stupid, kid.


c. 2003 Mary Lou Michelle "illadi" Barrios

12:46AM - wee

i can't wait to see the X2 movie... it looks super neato. man i wish i was a mutant - well i am, in a way. well no, that's more like a freak. but man i wish i had some kinda altering power.. then i'd show them.. all of them who laughed at me... i'd show them who's boss! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA..........

9:14PM - a poem i wrote - March 27, 2003

"Secrets for Nancy"

an art of suffering mastered over a few years
the complexity of a girl like a spider's web
she tumbles beneath the waves of failure and anxiety
and glides through the mist of beauty and grace

she sees nothing but the broken pieces of a heart
from the frail, wounded universe surrounding her
she dreams in hues to suit her moods and torments
silken images of her current, mysterious reality

the waves of her hair entwined with rose blossoms
her fair skin eminating their dreamy, flowery scent
she feels out of place and doesn't belong here
on this terrestrial parallel known as planet earth

she is discouraged, yet has a bright light within
but she is meek and seeking other-worldly guidance
she knows which way to go, but lacks the compass
to advance down the rigteous path she knows is near

a helen of troy of the twenty-first century, fair lady
going mad for fear of madness, is she - deteriorating
she slowly melts into her own darkness of confusion
dying of love lost - murdered by secondary expectation


::to be continued::

4:21PM - so mad i have no words for it.

you're "a perfect sonnet". you are still
searching for someone that's perfect for you,
and until you find that person you wish
horrible, horrible things would happen to
everyone that's in love.


which bright eyes' song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

3:53PM - yup.

so it was my computer charger. yay, now i can be online whenever i want again. wee.

7:08PM - see a penny, pick it up...

well i'm screwed. my laptop's charger thingie stopped working, so it won't charge my computer. i have already run out of battery life so tomorrow i have to take my computer to where i bought it and see if it can be fixed. i'm going crazy without my computer, it's my source of release when i'm bored. gah!

anyway it was my birthday on friday and we drove down to mexico and went clubbing. it was a whole lot of fun.. my cousin vanessa came down from thousand oaks with her friend cynthia and my other two cousins that i like never see came with us too. we got nice and shitfaced, danced until about 3 AM. soooo fun. afterwards we went to grab some tacos at the local stand, mmm.. got our fill of that. then off to the hotel where we passed out until about 11. yeah, it was fun

it was also a frustrating weekend though - i didn't have any patience at all. ppl were bugging me all day, yelling, screaming, telling me what to do, complaining. like, hi.. it's MY birthday. heh.. but mexico fixed all of that. yay for beer and vodka.