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(twirl in twilight--<33)

[18 Jul 2010|05:54pm]
Been crying a lot. Too much. Can't stop. I had a moment of hope last night, when lying in bed, at the very edge (literally, couldn't have moved further or else my body would have been off the bed), I was just dozing off when Bobby rolled over so half his body was on mine and his arm was over my face. My moment of hope was that he was looking for me in bed in his subconcious/sleeping state. That probably isn't what happened sadly.
At this point...I'm really thinking its just a long goodbye. I think it's possible he is still in love with me, but with everything going on he's either subconciously making himself not be or he is just too stressed to feel that. More likely though he still loves me, but isn't in love with me anymore. It kills. I shouldn't be typing this because I'm tearing up again...so I'm just going to leave it at that. Oh and one more comment... I can't decide if it would be better to know that for fact or not. I also can't decide if it makes it better that he is still here or a million times worse. I think it's a million times worse because seeing him and knowing I can't have him or don't hold his heart anymore...I don't know. I'm trying to be strong but I don't know that I am strong enough to live with this broken heart and the source...

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[17 Jul 2010|12:00am]
The day he said he needed space, and I agreed to give it to him I also asked him for something. I asked him to promise me to say something nice about me to me every day or say i love you to me once a day. Either or. His response was "you don't smell too bad today." I understand his need for space, and I respect his wishes in that. I have been doing really good about it...with only minor break downs at night (except for tonight where I keep crying...) I will continue to do so. But why can't he respect my need to know that I am still someone he cares about? Just telling me that I look pretty or thank you for the space or some form of appreciation...just once a day...is that that hard for him? if it is maybe he really doesn't love me anymore.

Right now, we are roommates. I have trouble even saying that we are friends at some points this past week. We sleep in the same bed, but his preference is for us to be under different blankets. We don't touch, we don't kiss, we don't have sex (even when we are both naked in bed), we don't say i love you because it makes him uncomfortable. We talk, and we are talking more than we were in the days preceding the "i need space" conversation. But tell me, what about this relationship makes us more than just friends at best? Our facebook relationship statuses? My complete commitment and devotion to him? That isn't enough. He doesn't have to cuddle with me all the time, or really at all since it is so hot. But is it so hard to give me a kiss or respond with I love you too without seeming upset about it? If so...I don't know...maybe it is over... I am trying to be strong and have faith, but its getting really hard. He's worth it, if this will actually help. He's worth any hardship I have to go through...I'm just losing faith that this is actually something that will help. It's feeling more like a long goodbye, an easier way to end it for him, though this is so much harder on me.

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[13 Jul 2010|07:54pm]
Realized something just now. I get upset when we hang out with Rachel, then come home and suddenly Bobby's mood and energy drops. My thought process there is that its because he's sad that he's with me and not her, or that he misses her, or that when he is with her he his just that much more happy. But I realized that it could be, and more likely is something different. Coming home means you can just relax. You don't have to try to entertain someone else or be fun to be with. Being home means comfort, not effort. And so him dropping down may be less of a sadness or whatever brought about not being with Rachel, but a drop in energy because he is able to do that. Me not giving him space at home or expecting him to continue being happy and social means that he never got to just relax. He's stressed out to begin with because of all that is going on in his life, and then I prevent him from being able to unwind just making him more stressed.
Yesterday I said that the space thing would be good for both him and I for a couple of reasons. This one was not one I thought of, but I am incredibly grateful for that epiphany.

PS: I probably shouldn't tell him about this epiphany right? I mean, that might be what is happening in his subconscious mind, and if he doesn't realize it than he may be attributing things to something else and get argumentative that I am making assumptions or something. On the other hand, maybe me coming to this conclusion will give him more hope in me. Maybe he'll realize that I am not just giving space because he asked for it, but because I realize that it is something that we really need-making it more likely I won't fall back into clingy mode.
Maybe I'll wait a couple days to tell him... or maybe I won't tell him it at all. If he feels more relaxed when he comes home, regardless of if I have an idea of the reason, it will help our relationship.

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[12 Jul 2010|09:05am]
Giving him space is the hardest thing I have ever done. It feels like the worst idea, like we are now broken up but he's just still here. God I hope this helps...I hope this works. But I can't help but feel like by doing this all we are really doing is ending it slowly. I'm not ready to give up. I'm still fighting for him...but I think it's too late. Why couldn't I have talked to him about all of this earlier? Why couldn't he or I have brought up his distance when it first started?
Not touching him, kissing him, cuddling with him, being able to smell him because he is so close, telling him I love you, saying cute things to him... giving these things up is harder than when I gave up cutting or starving...I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to do this without his affection and support...without his love.

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[11 Jul 2010|09:32am]
Tonight he'll come home. And I'll say "Bobby, we need to talk" no scratch that...I'll wait for a while. See if he is loving at all...or if he just sits down at his computer, responds with vague answers, hardly looks at me...
Yes, it's partially jealousy. But it's not unfounded, overdramatic, or me being trying to start drama. He's distant from me. But when Rachel is around he is full of things to say. He doesn't say I love you to me unless I say it first. And yes, I do need to hear compliments from him from time to time and not just about the house looking nice or for cooking. I want him to flirt with me again...like he used to do. I miss the days when he lived in Kansas and all of those stupid text messages. I miss when he would grab my hand in the car or while we were walking, and when he would put his arm around me randomly while we were out. He made me feel like he was proud of me, now I feel like he is just embarrassed of me. I still love him, with all of my heart...but I don't know that I can keep doing this at my expense. I feel like shit about myself, and he once had taught me how to love myself. I'm losing that ability now, and I really don't want to. I do need to talk to him, because things aren't going to change if I don't. And I'm terrified about talking to him because I'm worried about how things may change if i do...

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[01 May 2010|02:03am]
God...it's been forever since I wrote in here. I just don't know where else to talk about this. Rachel already knows everything. But I'm still nervous. God, I love that boy so incredibly much.
I am nervous about work, and life past graduation. But I have faith that things will work out for the best. My aunt and mom have told me that I have the best view on life....that I understand that the job market sucks right now but I am not delving into a sea of depression because of it. Am I just being delusional?
I don't think so. I think that I am being faithful. I think that I have faith, that things will work out. I choose to see the good. For example, I just finished my last full semester at CU! I made it through! And I am healthy for once! My weight is at a normal level, and has been sustained. And yeah I keep fighting that every single day, but I'm maintaining. God it hurts to maintain this weight though. I feel huge. Everyday that I actually look in the mirror I miss my control...I miss my old self...
How could I let myself get so fat? I am out of shape, more fat then bone, and in general huge. I know, I weigh average for my height. I fluctuate between 115 and 120. My scales are both out of batteries. I wish it didn't matter, but it does.
When I was back in Kansas, I weighed myself. 119. God. In the past, that would have marked obesity for me. In the past, I only surpassed 117 if I had weighed myself right after a binge. And yet this is supposed to be normal for me?
I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure I can live at a weight that is higher than my post-binge weight.

And then there is the fact that my two best friends, Rachel out here and Kelly from home, are nothing but skin and bones. Yes its a cliche. But its the truth in their cases. Rachel is about 5 foot 10 and looks like 100 pounds tops. Kelly....oh god....I couldn't even begin to describe. She is everything I have always wanted to be-- gorgeous, itsy-bitsy, fit, endurant of everything, and smart. She is perfect. AND she has a gorgeous daughter. I know that it is screwed up, but I wish I had a kid. At this point in my life, I couldn't possiibly support one. But I don't know, I guess my maternal instincts have kicked in...

And God, Bobby would be such a good father. Not only does he have good genes, smarter than most people I have met outside my own family, strong in both will and physical abilities, attractive as anyone ever should be, he's just all around perfect. I only hope that he sees in me someone worth marrying and being with forever.
I've been incredibly insecure lately on that front... I'm not good enough for him. I dont know how I got so lucky to draw him in, but ill do anything to keep him. Today (well technically yesterday now), he told me I smell because of the cigarettes. I told him I'm not qutting smoking. To be honest, for him, I would give up smoking.

I love him more than I thought was possible...especially for me. I am thankful for every day that I get to spend with him. I cannot imagine my life without Bobby. I hope that I get to spend the rest of my life with him by my side.

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[11 Jul 2009|08:12pm]
Wanna know something pretty damn freaky that happened today? Completely Sober, at work, I was collecting data for the preference testing (weighing the animal and the 2 bottles). Next thing I know I am calmy placing an animal on the scale...an animal that was 5 further down the line than where I was as far as I knew. I went and double checked all the data I had written in during that time period, all correct.

I blacked out while sober, and remained functional.
I haven't slept since I woke up tuesday morning at 7am. I won't lie, I've dosed off a time or two, but the longest period I was asleep for was 4 minutes (well one of the times is debatable because I didn't look at the clock any time close to before i dozed off, but I'm confident it was at the very longest 10 min) Anyway, I don't count that really as sleeping, because it is not even enough time for your brain to go into stage 1 sleep (unless you were already in it or at least partially in it while you were still awake)
I think what may have happened is that I fell asleep. That my brain didn't shut down the brain stem as it normally does when you fall asleep, and therefore I still was moving, and I've done so much preference testing it requires no thought anymore, it's probably a spinal reflex at this point, so it's totally possible that I could do it in my sleep (lol, wow and I always thought that was just a saying...)

And to think, today before going in I was complaining that it is so boring and repetitive, I'm sick of it, etc. Apparently the boring and repetitive nature of it was a good thing (besides just for research purposes)...



Oh PS, after that happened I was thinking back, and I think it happened several times last night but I was already disoriented so I just attributed it to that. Since the sun rose on Friday I've been randomly completely losing the context of where I am, disoriented, colors of the world notably brighter or dimmer,n and had to think about where I was. Most of the times I was in my apartment.

(now to state the obvious...) Sleep deprivation is not very good for the brain... Though pretty dang intriguing to me...

(1 empty promise|.|twirl in twilight--<33)

[20 Jun 2009|02:24am]
I've started it. I've started doing things to chase him away. I thought it would be different, that I could stop myself with him. No one has ever made me happier, made me feel so whole. Maybe that's why...in fact, I think it probably is. It's not me pushing him off, it's my disease. I'm no longer letting it control me, I'm being healthy for him...or trying to.

I think I do need to talk to him about it. I think this has made my decision for me. I need him. I can give up modeling, and this, if I can keep him...

(1 empty promise|.|twirl in twilight--<33)

[27 May 2009|10:32pm]
AHHHH
He loves me!!!
I knew he did, but still, he admitted it tonight!!!!
He said he didn't want to tell me except face to face, but he just couldn't hold it in anymore, and yeah HE FRIGGIN LOVES ME!
AHHHH

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[29 Mar 2009|07:24pm]
On my way home I stop and pick up Scotch and Marlboro 27s. I swear I'm a girl hahaha

(2 empty promises|.|twirl in twilight--<33)

[28 Jan 2009|11:29pm]
Okay, so, last night.
I duno what happened still fully.
But at around 1:30am I called Rachel, and asked her to come let me into my apartment cause I locked myself out. I was on the hill/pearl I duno why the fuck I would have said that.
Then I called her a bit later and said I was guna just go to sleep outside. A few minutes later she got a call from 2 guys (who turned out to be a paramedic and a cop) saying I was unresponsive in an alley way. Earlier she had called the cops to report me missing, and so really those two were looking for me, but they didn't know they were looking for me when they found me. They called the ambulance from my phone, and I was sent to the hospital.

The only reason I was't admitted was because Rich and Rachel showed up at the hospital and so I was released into their care.

I apparently, upon seeing Rich, said "NO Not him! I don't want him to take me home!!!" It really hurt him...I feel really bad about it. I don't know why I would have said that...

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[28 Jan 2009|08:56pm]
Well, Stefania has no clue what happened last night either hahaha. She apparently got carried home by Nate, a housemate of hers, and has a black eye and is missing a very expensive earring. We are amazing at life...or something.

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[28 Jan 2009|04:20am]
Well..i ended up in the hosptial ataain tongight... risj amd rachel piscked me up...i wish i had been admietted

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[24 Jan 2009|08:22pm]
Let me tell you a bit about this guy.
His name is Jake. He was in my neuroscience class (and lab) last year, and I thought he was cute. This semester he is in my Psychopathology class (and lab).
He is my age, and a psychology and studio arts major. AKA he's into the brain and behavoir and art, just like me. He grew up on a ranch, breaking horses, so he knows how to ride too. He likes to cook, just like me. Basically we have a lot in common.
I am so comfortable around him, he makes me feel comfortable speaking in class even. Our conversations have give and take and are actually intelligent, and there aren't any uncomfortable silences or anything. The other night, for example. The night I posted that we were having an intelligent convo wasted. We were chatting on facebook for hours upon hours, and finally ended up going to bed around 3 after many attempts of leaving for bed.
During class, he flirts with me, I flirt with him. One time in the first week he and I were sitting across the room from each other. Every time that I'd look at him, he would already be looking at me haha.

The issue? On facebook it says that he is "In A Relationship" No name. No nothing. But, that relationship started in may of last year, if true. I certainly don't have the guts to say anything to ask him.
I'm hoping that he doesn't really have a girlfriend, or that they are close to breaking up. He wouldn't be the first guy I've stolen from a girl... in fact he would be 5th. Or wait no, maybe 6th. But ahhh, he's just so perfect!

Plus, he's the first guy I've had a crush on since Ryan. The first guy that makes me able to stop thinking about Ryan.

(3 empty promises|.|twirl in twilight--<33)

[23 Jan 2009|12:32am]
omg i like him so much....this isnt fair....we are having a fully intellectual convo wasted... ahhhh

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[31 Dec 2008|08:36am]
My sense of time, like how much time has passed or on what day we are now or when I did whatever, is sooo fucked when I don't sleep.
It's 8:30am. Last time I looked at the clock it was 4am. And I was going to go to bed after "just a bit more cleaning" Which was supposed to meant after unpacking the wine glasses.
I could see it being around 6 or Maybe 7 now...but 4.5 hours past and it would feel like minutes if it wasn't for the sun haha.

Anyway, I think I'm guna try to get some rest now. I don't want to be the one that passes out or just falls asleep before midnight (..again) hahah.
Love you guys! Happy New Years Eve!

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[23 Dec 2008|09:35pm]
i fucking hate her. she has plumb on her myspace profile. im the only person i know that listens to plumb. FUCK HER

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[15 Dec 2008|03:44pm]
well...so much for having my neuroscience class count towards my degree...
At least i had fun in the class. and i did learn a lot. just not the stuff he tested on. i hope my financial aid doesnt get pulled for this...

(twirl in twilight--<33)

[15 Dec 2008|11:42am]
even colder today.
I didn't think that was possible.
Yesterday it was negative 3, real feel negative 15.
Today when I woke up it was negative 13. Real feel negative 30.
This sucks.


Neuroscience exam today. I pray and hope and am desperate for higher than an 85. Because that's what I need to get a C-, aka have it count towards my degree.
I've been studying like crazy... but I'm so friggin' worried about it anyway. There's always something on the test that I didn't even think to study. BLAH back to studying.

(2 empty promises|.|twirl in twilight--<33)

[14 Dec 2008|09:36am]
I'm wearing 3 layers on bottom (warm tights, winter riding pants, and jeans) right now, for walking I am going to add sweatpants over it...I claim it's so that my pants don't drag snow around the lab, which is true, but it's also just for warmth.
As for shirts, I'm wearing 8 layers (2 tank tops, a long sleeve shirt, a long sleeve turtleneck sweater, 2 fitted t-shirts, my dark red sweater hoodie, & a 3 quarter inch sleeve cardigan). I'll step outside before I leave to see if I'll be warm enough, so I may add a hoodie as well.
Plus then there is the winter coat I'll be wearing, the scarf, the hat, and the fingerless gloves under real gloves.

All so that I can walk to work.
Bitches can't tell me I'm not dedicated to my job...

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