02:30pm 26/11/2003
  I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.
I hate you.I hate you.


because I love you. and you fucking lie to me and her both.
to keep us here. and we both fucking wait for you.
why the fuck do you keep her so much closer?
when supposively I'm "the one you want to be with"?

fuck you.
and fuck this heart.
 
     1 Pair of Curious Eyes  - Look into the Display Case
 
i hate the fact that..   
02:35pm 14/11/2003
  i don't do things because i am worried about how they'll effect certain people.

i mean.. fuck.. i could have had something that could've been amazing.
with the most beautiful man i've ever met.

but i didn't.
and now i wish i had.
 
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Elaine--   
10:14pm 21/03/2003
  i miss you.. i need to see you...

{{soon}}
 
     3 Pairs of Curious Eyes  - Look into the Display Case
 
   
05:56pm 23/01/2003
 
mood: tired
music: Calla - Tijerina
I'm being really unfair to myself..

what did I do last night??

{{{{{{{{damn me for not being able to say no.. }}}}}}}}

i'm so scared of him. of love. of myself.
i hate myself.
 
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01:27am 22/01/2003
  I think this has been found..

-- you BETTER tell me if you are reading this..
 
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01:37pm 30/12/2002
  I just got home from Texas...

and I miss Laine...

I must call her.. soon..

 
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where is my heart....????   
06:08pm 13/12/2002
 
mood: confused
music: 30 Seconds To Mars - Capricorn



oh.. right there...


 
     1 Pair of Curious Eyes  - Look into the Display Case
 
...so.he.says...   
03:28pm 11/12/2002
  XUnderXGlassX (3:17:56 PM): i will kick your ass
XsXeBirdyX (3:19:03 PM): i dare you
XUnderXGlassX (3:19:41 PM): ok.. then it's set
XsXeBirdyX (3:22:09 PM): alright let's do it then.... whenever your parents will let you
XUnderXGlassX (3:22:34 PM): shut up.. don't act like i'm a baby
XsXeBirdyX (3:22:59 PM): ha ha
XUnderXGlassX (3:23:44 PM): whatever
XUnderXGlassX (3:25:02 PM): i'm not a baby
XsXeBirdyX (3:25:14 PM): you can be my baby


...
 
     2 Pairs of Curious Eyes  - Look into the Display Case
 
   
07:53am 09/12/2002
 
mood: morose
music: Codeseven - Steady State
god..

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.. I think i've been living in this insane self destructive haze.. I'm breaking myself down from the inside.. it's not too long until i'll be dead {{at least internally}}

.. why am i doing this? i really am not under the impression tht he gives two fucks about me.. i promise.. I wouldn't let myself believe a lie like that... he doesn't seem to care about anything..

{i suppose thats okay.. I'm used to people not caring at all}

I'm not going to school today.. i can't handle it anymore.. I don't care when I graduate... or if i do at all.. fuck it.. my future is fucked anyways..

***..god.. I am fucking emo..***

...someone save me from myself...
 
     2 Pairs of Curious Eyes  - Look into the Display Case
 
Colorgenics shit   
05:32pm 08/12/2002
 
mood: discontent
Mood Analysis Test:

Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won't work - you have to face reality.

You need an atmosphere of peace and quiet and you would like to share a bond of understanding with the 'right person' - you have the belief that with the right person, your stress and anxiety could be minimised.

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have un-admitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliché 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being. So you are prepared to try everything to prove to yourself that whatever you do or try will go wrong. This destructive attitude could come under the heading of 'a self fulfilling prophecy'. This belittling yourself is your method of disguising how hopeless and what a waste of time you feel that everything is. So now turn it about. As you 'think', so you are... So 'imagine' yourself successful. 'Pretend', 'act it out' and you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.





Colorgenics Psychological Profile:
Your Mood: At the moment your sensual and emotional needs are not being met. Perhaps you are finding life more than a little harsh at present. Being unable to relax is making you tired and taking the edge off your enthusiasm. Focus and determined describes your present mood. You are out to achieve your goal and you concentrate on that. Unwavering you want to stick to the target of your ambitions, not completely to the exclusion of everything else, but almost! . . .


Your Present Situation: Your present situation is overwhelming you and your response is to become increasingly stubborn and idealistic. Because you feel unable to handle everything that is going on, it’s easier to break down and ignore the issues.Your current situation is causing you a great deal of angst. Somehow you have become over-involved in something that is leading to feelings of stress and doubt. You are at risk of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. . . .


Your Conflicts:

You have a tendency to feel very vulnerable and are scared that you will be taken advantage of. You get very frustrated inside when you emotional needs are not met. This makes you so upset that you want to break away but you lack confidence in your own abilities to take the necessary steps. . . .




Shape Analysis Test Results

The Whirlwind - Change
Position 1: You greatly admire people that are flexible and easily handle change. This is a quality you would like to have more of in your life. You may be looking for new angles to tackle problems with or new ways of moving forward.


Matching Triangles - Relationship
Position 2: Your greatest strength is in your people skills. You have many friends and meet new ones easily. Finding balance in your life is easy for you. You are likely to have great intimate relationships as well.


The Circle - Connectedness
Position 3: This indicates that the process of seeking oneness is fundamental to your very being. The struggle for independence and completeness is absorbing the whole of your being. Your natural drive and creativity will arise out of finding yourself.


The Triangle - Goals
Position 4: You have made major discoveries in the past by following your dreams. Realizing what goal-setting has added to your life has given you the ability to pursue the issue indicated by the shape chosen in position three.


The Square - Foundation
Position 5: You have, for the time being, chosen to deny congruency as a focus for your life. You are either not interested in this process, or are in the process of a great deal of change where solid foundations are not an option.
 
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02:00pm 08/12/2002
 
mood: nauseated
music: none.
... i got in a car accident today...

i hate my life..

{and myself}
 
     Look into the Display Case
 
   
10:34pm 07/12/2002
 
mood: depressed
music: Deftones - Digital Bath
First off..

Laine my darling,
I'm sorry for not calling you today.. it has just been.. one of those days.. where you wake up and regret doing so.. I stayed in bed forever.. it sucked..


..Life is so confusing right now.. as always..


..my..heart..hurts..


...and then Britton.. fuck fuck fuck.
suffocate me. it doesn't make sense.
i'm so fucking scared. and it's all i say.
all the time.
it just started.
 
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10:17pm 04/12/2002
 
mood: chipper
music: Bjork- I miss you
..Lainey is my girlfriend now..

{{ lol }}

woo hoo!!
 
     Look into the Display Case
 
   
06:18pm 03/12/2002
 
mood: okay
music: Saves the Day - Freakish
Which Sylvia Plath Poem Am I?

by scintilla
 
     2 Pairs of Curious Eyes  - Look into the Display Case
 
   
08:40pm 02/12/2002
 
mood: happy
music: Coheed and Cambria - Neverender
I got a new tattoo today..

it's fucking .G.O.R.G.E.O.U.S.

a lotus flower.. on my upper right arm..

..I'm in love with it..
and with him.
and i'm biting my tongue.
i can't love.
 
     2 Pairs of Curious Eyes  - Look into the Display Case
 
   
01:32pm 02/12/2002
  this is new..

i needed something that wouldn't be read and dissected by my everyday friends..

 
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