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xunashamedx

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It has been a long ass time........... [23 Feb 2005|05:11pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I have been so darn busy for the past 3 weeks....I got my income taxes...so I am now caught up on all of my bills and I have got my lil girl most of her b-day shoppin done...still got more to do...........I have court this comin monday and work is so stressin me out....well not much more to say really other than my life kind of sucks right now....:( oh well I will pull through it ........I ALWAYS do.

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[31 Jan 2005|01:28am]
[ mood | restless ]
[ music | Eminem....."Mocking Bird" ]

I can't sleep....nothing new though...my neighbors are doing a really good job of keeping me up tonight....I thought that they had kids that go to school? hmmm....anyways...I have alot on my mind..I was wondering if anyone believed in Karma? I know I do.....what goes around comes back around..I have so much on my mind about my ex...he just had a baby boy the 15th of this month with the "mistress" which is his live-in "girlfriend" now(he moved in with her)....this girl...(I will call her Miss Piggy) was my firend and she knew that we was married and wouldnot leave us alone and he is just as much to blame as she is b/c he wouldnot put a stop to it.....but she helped brake our marriage up...I can't stand the thought of my baby having a brother by this woman..and it is not the babys fault... I actually feel sorry for it..it was born premature....it was in the hospital, but he is home now.....what I am trying to say is that sometimes I sit and I think that should be me having his baby and that should be us raising our family togther.....not like this....my daughter came back home this evening from her dads....she cries b/c she sees him with that family....not me and her dad..it kills me....I hate to see my baby hurt like that and for her to wonder why her dad is not here with her and me....this is why I am on Prozac again....I know that I could never be with her dad again, but there is part of me living in my past and I am tryin my hardest to move on with myself....but I can't help but to sit and think about all of the times we had togther..knowing that Miss Piggy can never take all that away from me....I have been in love with my ex since I was 13 and I am now 23...thats a long ass time.....I was in love with my ex all through jr. high and high school...but never told him how I felt about him until he graduated in 98..thats when we got together....but back to what I was talkin about....I was so good to him..like no other...and he left me for the town whore who has been with every guy in town, his cousins, and his brother.....and she has slept with everyone of my guy cousins...wtf?...u know ..how could he have any respect for her?...or himself?...he had a great wife at home...he always came home to supper,breakfast,clean house,clean clothes,to a loving family,and I gave him good love....I just don't understand what I did wrong...but this is where the karma comes in guess....I wonder if they will be happy ..I wonder if they will stay together...I just wonder what happened to me will happen to them...will someone come along and tear them visciously apart? god I sure hope so...lol....just to let them see what pain I have went through...Miss Piggy think thats he has changed...lol...wtf ever...she has caught him 3 times with 3 diff girls...she caught him with one in the bed...eww god....he left her for me after we got divorced....so I don't think that he has changed one bit....Miss Piggy thinks that he will never do her wrong or leave her like he did me...she braggs about it....she laughs about it....they are engaged and are supposed to get married this May....whatever...lol...it may happen and the same thing might happen to her what happened to me.....she might be in my shoes in another 5 yrs. down the road....who knows....god bless I am so sorry to ramble on and to bore the hell out of u ppl but I have to vent....but I don't see God lettin them be happy...you just don't do that to ppl and get by with it and live happily ever after....I just don't see God allowing that.......Who else believes in Karma?

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Ohhh here I go again........... [28 Jan 2005|12:54am]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | The Game ft. Eminem....."We Ain't" ]

Well I went to the doc today,and yes I was soo right he put me on Prozac....Yes, I am a "Prozac Bitch" now..lol...I knew he would do it..oh well..he said that everytime around this time of year I get really depressed..I have noticed this goin on with me for the last 2 months now..it is some pattern that I go through..he also had some blood work on me done...he is having my thyriod checked......I talked to Em some today on the phone...I guess that we are just keepin it as friends for now...fine with me....I filed my income taxes today whoo hoo I am gettin $2,400 back..and I have only been workin since the 1st of Sept...so thats pretty darn good for me...well I am definately goin to bed...I HAVE to go to work tomm....goodnite...

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[27 Jan 2005|10:20am]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | 50 Cent ft. Olivia ...."Candy Shop" ]

I am sooo tired I didn't get any sleep last night..ohh maybe 2 hours or so of sleep.....I feel so drained all the time anymore....I feel like I never get enough sleep....I can sleep for 6,8,12,or even 18 hours straight and still feel like crap......I had every intentions in goin in to work today but I am soo sick at my stomach.. I have threw up all night long...I am so depressed...I don't want to get out of bed....I have been like this for 2 months now...I am goin to my family doctor today at 1pm....he will more than likely put me back on Prozac or Zoloft...I was on it before when I went through my divorce....I know that I really don't need that stuff but I have no energy and Stacker 2's or 3's are not helping me anymore...I think that I am immune to them now... I have took them so damn much.... I have lost 10pds with in the last 2 weeks.... I have went from 135pds to 125pds....I just have alot goin on with me right now.....I really don't have the gas money to make it to work....the doctor's office is just 1 min. away from my house and my job is like 25 min. away...so I am missin work so I will have enough money to take my lil angel to gymnastics today...she has not got to go in 2 weeks....I feel so bad... ....sooo...I am gonna go shower and get ready to go to the doc...later

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[26 Jan 2005|10:35pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | Chevelle..."The Clincher" ]

Well it has been a few days since I have posted...I just came back from training yesterday...it was so boring....I stayed home from work today and slept all day long...I was so tired of sittin from 8am-9pm for 2 days straight...god it about killed me...I finally talked to Em sunday night from 10pm-5am....it felt so good...but I found out that he has been talkin to his ex and I dunno what to do...I am kind of hurt.....he says that that they can never be together but I don't believe him..I never trust any guy..never..this is what he sent to me...see what u can make out of it...weird... :

"Really it hurt me to hear your voice again. I missed you so much but I just figure after everything clears out I will be just your friend. Yeah I had company, but in the past few weeks I have been nice to her. I came up her house one night and visited and everyone was happy to see me once again, her family all teary eyed. I'm just being nice to her, but she knows we can't be together, however I'm sorry for not answering the phone. I know I dont make sense at all. I never expected you to be sweet and sincere to me like you were the other night, it almost made me want to get back to the way I felt for you, but I can't fall back head over heels for you. I came so close to falling in love with you it's not even funny. I felt like I was constantly lied to by you, but no I'm not lying to you, I want everything to go back to normal. I will be honest with you, I grew so cold toward you, no one even wanted to mention your name around me. Everything is so fucked up right now, my feelings are all tore up and I'm fucked up. I hate myself, I hate everything, I have been depressed as fucking hell, I hate my life, I hate everyone in it.. Everything is shit. Everything is wrong, and I do not have the answer for anything anymore. I do know that I missed you. You can call me an asshole, you can compare me to other ppl that you have been with, I guess I wish that you would have claimed me a little bit, if you need me I will try my best to be here for you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, ever. It wasn't what I wanted, and you could see that in my eyes from the first time you met me. If you even paid attention. I could see in your eyes something was different. Maybe I was blind, but I don't think that I was."

OMG how do I respond to that????? I do LOVE him..and I told him that but I dunno wtf to do....he confuses the crap out of me.....I missed him so much when I was gone on my training....

The place that I stayed at had no phone or tv's...kind of like a nunnery or a home for priests..well actually it was..it was a pastorial center....weird.. I know...my job is not even based on religion and I don't belong to church...so I felt weird stayin there...lol..but my boss saved $700 by havin us to stay there so that was good enough for me...so our end of the year retreat shall be wonderfull then....but back to work for me tom...teaching is really gettin the best of me...I love my hours..but god bless....I need a break....I wished that it would snow 3ft....lol...shew I can't wait til i get my income taxes back...whoo hoo... I am goin on the biggest shoppin spree ever for me and my lil angel....lol...I have to take my lil sis to look for a prom dress this weekend...I miss high school....oh well....but I would not go back and go through it all again...lord no...lol.. but I am out.... later....

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[23 Jan 2005|01:16am]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | 112 ft. Ciara "If I Hit" Remix ]

Well I can't sleep...I really don't want to ..I keep waitin for Em to get online...he hasnot been on for days...and I dunno whats up with him...I feel like he is ignoring me for some odd reason...we had quit talkin but we had remained friends...but I miss him so damn much I dunno what to do...I have tried callin him, but I can never get through. I quit talkin to him b/c I was fallin in love with him. I am not ready for that...I just got divorced a year ago, but I do get lonely... I am still in love with my ex-husband..... my life is so shitty right now....has been for the past 5 yrs.( mom and dad divorced..I got pregnant ..married...got cheated on....divorced..all alone now)but I find myself so confused over Em....he is so diff from me,but he is a good guy...matter of fact a great guy...but it seems like us girls always wants the crappy guys and the good guys mean nothing.I am so cold hearted anymore. I do use guys....not for money..I never ask them to buy me anything...but I do play around with thier feelings..but I am tired of bein shit on....so I guess that I am shittin on every guy that comes along my way and not meanin to. I just can't stand someone clinging to me or followin me everywhere I go.....but sometimes I find myself thinkin that I love him...it all is crazy....I want to talk to him so bad...I need him :(

But anyways.... I have made 1 friend on here so far...lol...but thats good..hopefully she can help me out with this thing..I figured some stuff out ...this lil thing can be so confusing if u have no idea wtf u are doin...like me....lol...I done laundry all day today at my moms and chilled a lil bit with my sis. I have got to get my babys b-day party planned out. It is gettin closer and closer...she is growin up so damn fast....she will be 5 in a month and a half...ahh work is goin ok..I guess....I just hate those damn trainings that they make us go on....ugh......I have to stay away from home 2 days this comin week...I will die...no phones...no tv...nothin but a damn bathroom and bed in our rooms. I hope it gets cancelled b/c of the snow. YAY I LOVE the SNOW....b/c it gets me out of work....lol...I started to go clubbin tonight with my best friend but the roads where way to bad, and besides I am broke.....my bills are eatin me up alive. I love the quotes that everyone puts on "hella_quotes" they are so awesome and everyone does a really great job by making some up. I get tired of goin to these quote sites where every damn thing is the same. Well not at that place. It rocks. Well I am out later!!!!!!!!!!!

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Hmmmmm [22 Jan 2005|08:36pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | Mario-"Let me love you" ]

I have no idea how to use this thing....lol....I hope that I can meet some new friends on here to help me out. It is pouring the snow outside. It took me an hour to get home from my moms. It usually takes me 20 min. at the most. I miss my guy.....I dunno where he is...:(...I will post a lil bit later I am gonna try to figure this thing out.....

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